Recent Events - The Maldivian Dream

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So, it's not like I've been too busy or distracted to blog, I'm just having massive writers block... or, well, I don't know, I do get this far occasionally (this being to the 'create posts' page, but I never get around to writing anything substantial let alone posting! But, I feel bad for ignoring my dear blog, so here goes nothing.
And it may actually not be anymore more than that.

So, anyways, the political frenzy, and I say the word frenzy with caution because it is a great understatement, is FINALLY over. I mean elections and the madness, and the campaigning, and the apparent "dawn of democracy" and the Gayyoom moving out of Theemuge *awwww* and Pres. Nasheed/Anni giving a 10 year old's acceptance speech and the disappointing cabinet (you know, the one that makes you go, huh??? I thought Anni's, not Gasim's victory???)... I have to say, I felt a little wary, what with all the hysteria of the campaigns, and I had another candidate in mind,but well, anyhow I did get super excited when I actually began to believe there was going to be a change even if it wasn't ideal so to speak. Now though, I am sooo out of it. All of it. *Yawn*

At least we can now flip off Americans and say we got our own Maldivian Dream happening... Although in this case its more like erm, middle class to pauper to friggin' KING (Note: King as in metaphorically the highest rankings, no political connotations there)... The product of suffering, and perseverance and activism - here's to standing up for what you believe in President Nasheed! Congrats!! You are now officially living the Maldivian Dream!

Seriously though, if you missed the first morning when the results were confirmed, you missed the most amazing time ever! The beautiful sunshine, people hugging and crying and just the general euphoric atmosphere. It was like everyone was on a natural high and you just had to get a whiff of it and it got you hooked there, singing Wathan Edhey Gothah and all of that... They actually played techno for a lil while too and it was like being in this mini rave when the dawn breaks and every one's still buzzed? Yeah. Awesome! Smiles everywhere, a few thousand people, and no official gathering, just like everyone got drawn to the energy! There are a couple of pics floating around in the blogosphere, and flickr as well.. you should absolutely check it out and you'll know what I mean. I had this warm fuzzy feeling in me, when they played redemption song, I really felt like it was a new beginning, and I'm really looking forward to see how all of it plays out.
Moving on.

Obviously, there's a very positive mood radiating from this town now... I just hope the promises of Aneh Dhivehiraaje live up to it... or atleast meets us (the hopeful community) somewhere in the middle! God knows this place needs a good kick in the nuts ...and someone to get the machinery going ;)

Who moved my FaceBook???!!!!

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The majority of the human population is absolutely mortified of venturing out their respective comfort zones. Not surprising, but when you place into consideration the amount of of venting, complaining and moaning about not getting ahead in their lives - you can't help but roll your eyes.
And the perfect example of how stuck in their own little worlds people are, is the tiny masses that have hate groups against the new Facebook popping up virtually everywhere. Soon they’ll be lining up on highways and burning laptops. (Kekeke. Blll)
Okay, so maybe I’m being a little dramatic here. But HONESTLY. What is with people being soooo pissed over a little change up of Oh, I donno… where there frikking FB Wall goes??? Just part of the entire Facebook phenomenon, or as I prefer to say, psycho mania. Does Facebook comprise of SUCH a huge part of their lives that they care about a little web link shift here and there?
Reading an article that likened the new layout to someone ransacking their home and changing their furniture I couldn't help but wonder would happen to these same people if something truly monumental struck their lives. Like someone close to them having cancer… Or when they lose their job or perhaps their home. I wonder if they’d feel that passionately about life kicking them in the ass? Do they really have nothing meaningful in their lives that they feel the need to actively campaign against the new face of, well, Facebook?
Just goes to show how very sad and disconnected the new generation happens to be. Things don’t look very promising for the cyber kids… After all when you’re calling a web page the equivalent of your personal room… well, that just says it all dunnit?
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Oh yeah... Eid Mubarik guys! And I wonder, was the blogger coffee so traumatic that everyone seems to be refusing to even mention it ;)?

Bodu Vaahaka

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We have had two lovely days of sunshine, and it was really the sunny side of life... of course, I knew it couldn't last. And now, in the wee hours of the morning, it rains. I wonder what the forecast is regarding tonight's show...
So I'm extremely bored but I can't sleep... I feel like blogging.. and the only thing worth talking about these few days has been the great debate. Y'all in Maldives know what I'm talking about. I think the whole thing is a little silly though, as they haven't even officially become candidates yet. Counting eggies much?
So firstly... I've found this blog that I now love... this is first sight, folks. Lol.. seriously, you must check this out. The siyaasee map of the year!

I'm not massively into politics but I couldn't miss this, and I'm not a fan of apathy either, firm believer that years of people fighting for the right to vote should not be treated with disrespect... thus I gave in and joined the lot!
Anyway so my verdict is... hoping not to get too long and boring;

Anni - Someone needs to tell him that when you sit down on a chair, you do not have to keep your coat buttoned. It was tight all over your shoulders and you reminded me very much of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I'm sorry about the pope-ish indications there, but I suppose it's all very fitting. His facial expressions have become noticeably less clownish (which I feel everyone should appreciate and congratulate, even), however it does not make you less of a clown. He is right however, we do need a 'siyaasath' however, I feel that he is more of an activist than a political leader. Figurehead maybe, but a head of a nation? Lets not get too 'ahead' of ourselves now, shall we?

Umar - He was excellent, very passionate and very excited too (which in retrospect is a little creepy) ... Nonetheless he had my full attention, and proved that if nothing else, he is obviously a talented orator. However, when you started talking about 'effas kurun' and all that nonsense, the pettiness showed through. Reality, and common sense - seemed lacking.

Ibra - The most interesting thing about this man, was his tie. I understand that by comparing him to Roosevelt, I may be making a seriously politically incorrect statement, however I cannot help but do so. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I understand he kept his disability a secret, and the image of him as a cripple was generally not accepted in USA even after his death. Also, the reasoning behind the secrecy seems to be that, generally anyway, at the time, US was a very vulnerable, weakened nation which was in need of a fearless leader and the image of a strong man, was essential for the nation's morale. Maldives might still be above sea level in physical terms, but we are now sinking with the weight of our troubles. Our leader may not have a physically strong presence I don't have ANY issues with that but I do think, that what is lacking in those terms needs to be met with a strong presence, passion and confidence. I think that failed to show through. Personally, I agree with a lot of his statements but I don't think he convinced me he had the spirit in him to leader our nation up that winding road.

Gasim - I expected a lot better. His arguments were sound, but they seemed to come from elsewhere. He was nervous, and intimidated. I don't blame him for being so, it would all seem foreign to him I expect... However, this was an important appearance for him to make and I think he could have done a far better job of it than he did. When he spoke from his heart it seemed genuine, once he started reading points, it all fell apart. Also dude, loose the pencil next time.

Hasan Saeed - Is the reason that a man like Anni can never make it to the top. This is the difference between an educated, intelligent man... and a man controlled by impulse. That being said... there's a lot of shadiness behind this fella... I think his whole rise to fame thing reeks of disrespect and manipulation and a lack of professionalism. Did you see Hasanu turning Golhaa away whilst he was attempting to do his 'Ima Big Man' thing and see everyone off as if he had been the host or something? Like firumaali as if Golhaa was some pathetic Granpa type of beggar dude, which was sooo PAKAAAAAAAAS!

Golhaa (Gayyoom)- Don't you just love this guy? First he picked out the No.1 with the guruathulun and was all LOL vefa... Kekekeke *abadhahves hama evvana!* And then *GIGGLE* for possibly the first time (publicly anyway!) in THIRTY YEARS, we got to see him all sulky and pissy and seriously fuckfaced!...On a stronger note though, we understand that you must mention all you've achieved but it would be refreshing to hear you say something meaningful. I think everybody understands that big changes take time, but 30 years is beyond excusable. Lol, and then Golhaa tried to be all big man seeing off every one afterwards, that is, until Hasanthakuru did his lil thaaaang! Funn-eee!

So thats that. My thoughts on the matter... The debate was fun to watch with family I must say, everyone had their own different view and all... very different theme to family gathering I must say. I did have an interesting argument with my cousin however. She argues that one candidate mistreats his wife and no self respecting woman would vote for him. I say, well not that any of that is our business but from that particular perspective, I don't think polygamy is a great example either (this would be regarding her choice of candidate) ... not that I put abuse and polygamy in the same category but, neither are an indication of where I want the women of Maldives to stand. My aunt also made a point out of the fact that she didn't want the first lady to be a foreigner! Ridiculous!

But really, WHO WOULD THE INDEPENDANT, EDUCATED and EMPOWERED WOMAN vote for? There are a fair amount of women who can be described in those terms today, certainly, however the majority of women this country churns out are not fashioned as the next leaders of our country, rather, the closest possible ambition seems to be the first lady! This idea is to say the least, extremely disturbing! What does it matter whether she is a foreigner or not! Sonia Gandhi is an excellent example for women in India to follow by; although she isn't Indian, she manages to incorporate the best of their values and the way I see it, is a great political figurehead for their country. My point is, less focus on the first lady and more on, perhaps the women chosen to stand by the candidates, if at all. The idea is a woman in a leading position, not as a useless post like Gender Ministry which is an unheard of title where the rest of the world is concerned and is basically an poor excuse to have a female cabinet member. More women in roles we havent seen before, women to be respected, not for men to ridicule at their market hotaa coffees and such. I don't think there is a candidate with any indication of this quality, a quality that I am greatly concerned with, not because I am a die-hard feminist, because I'm a woman with ambitions that extend further than a cutting board!

Now I have nothing against housewives and stay-at-home mothers, being a child of two working parents I have great admiration (and fondness!) for those who devote their time to the proper upbringing of their children and management of their respect households. I am just saying that should not be the only thing in life we aspire to do. I think it is still all that is expected of women and many feel obligated to do so, foregoing their own hopes and dreams and that is, truly tragic. Being a fulltime wife and mom is a difficult, taxing job that is often little appreciated and hardly ever rewarding. It would be wonderful, if all the 'under twenty five years old' women used their god given ability to reason and perhaps consider the invaluable input they could make towards this country and themselves as individuals by realising their dreams and making that much of a change, by giving their all for as long as they can, before they start the infamous struggle to balance and 'have it all'. It would be even better if we had the proper systems in place to better amplify the importance of our options.

It is a turning point in this nation, and we need a leader who above all, truly embodies the potential of our country, who is brimming with passion and smarts, and simultaneosly has his feet firmly on the ground, knowing that what matters above all is not the grandeur of flamboyant promises, successfully using of these essential qualities as best suits the women, just as much as the men and the children of our nation.

*breathes out - whoooosh!*
Safe to say I dissed the whole long and boring mid way eh? Oh well..

Fairy Fucking Tales

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So we've all heard it... damsels in distress, prince charmings and frikkin' magic castles. The fairytale... since I was a kid... in typical girl fashion, I have to admit, I've had the dream.
Weirdly enough I've never been bothered to figure out who the villain in my story is. Now though, that I've been faced with slaying the fire breathing dragon... I have face the wicked witch with her steaming cauldron and destroy the curses and spells...
For further clarification, I enquired with the enchanted mirror (naturally)...

Me: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: The hell if I know. Check people.com? Sorry but it sure ain't you sugar!
Me: Dude, don't you have anything nice to say?
Mirror: Uh... you're no Snow White bitch.
Me: So you wanna talk about skin colour now? Issat it?
Mirror: Charcoal Black. Whatever. You were saying?
Me: Yeah exactly… umm....Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the villain destroying it all?
Mirror: I’m a fucking mirror; do you not see the reflection? What am I, your personal psychiatrist? You’re the ass fuck who’s eating shit, and you want me to name people? Thomangel, why kind of a lame ass pussy name is that? You’re the cause of your own problems.
Me: ?????
(I always hated that story)
Could it be? Am I the villain of my own fairytale?
Certainly seems like it. Man, I'm so sick of myself. I've tried to clean my act up and be the proper daughter, sister, girlfriend... I've gotten pretty far too, or so I thought. But villains must always remain villains right? There is no redemption. They get like, destroyed and shit.
Case point: Dorothy melts the wicked witch of the west, Ariel turns Ursula into a shrimp and Aladdin actually locks up Jafar in a lamp… etcetera
So does that mean I need to try and vaporize myself in order for me to live happily ever after? Seems kind of pointless… So I’ve tried the Prince Charming will solve my problems and let me say, Prince Charming brought about most of ‘em, he ain’t so charming either. Not after you’ve lived together and had to go through the toilet seat should be down not up, and smelly socks go in the laundry, household chores aren’t just the chick’s responsibility (get with the times, we’ve been liberated idiot!) blah blah blah… It is can’t live ‘with or without you’ kind of situation though (thanks for going ahead and singing it Bono *rolls eyes*).
And, FYI in the situation of the wicked step mother, the wicked birth parents can be more of an issue. Ditto for step sisters/brothers. In fact, they could turn out to be much nicer than your blood relatives. MUCH. You may even want to adopt their families and denounce your own.
And the castle… man you grow up and you realize your castle doesn’t quite want you to be in it… and you need to built your own… which of course, more often ends up resembling a broken down shack. And you eat canned tuna for the rest of your life. Hurray! Yippee!
Thank God this shitholes gonna sink.
Screams and screams and pulls out all the frikkin goldy locks (or not) – FUCK happily ever after! Morons.

Last Kiss

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So there I was, standing on the little platform, feeling utterly and totally dejected, rejected and the like. It had been a total waste of a perfectly good holiday, bombarded with catastrophe after catastrophe. You know, the kind of holiday it takes massive amounts of alcohol to recover from. Ironically, departing was turning out to be far more painful than the enormous relief I had been expecting, albeit preparing, to feel.
I watched my friends discussing something animatedly with my mother, and tugged the ends of my mouth into what I hoped would turn out to be a smile, hoping to feel twist what I was feeling into a different emotion but it was just tugging at my heart all the more. I turned to gaze at the ferry and the deep blue that stretched ahead. Suddenly I couldn't breathe.
The trip that lay ahead was one that I had been making an average of four times an year, for the past four years so clearly, I should have been more than used to it. It wasn't like I wasn't coming back or anything... I was used to it. The thing about this particular situation... the thing is... I don't even know what the thing is actually! Well... the significance I suppose. Each journey is different of course, and depending on how you look at it, you're always saying a real goodbye to someone or something, sometimes a part of who you are, and you will, usually, find yourself welcoming something else instead.
I'm not even sure I'm telling this story right anymore!
I remember a shiver running from the back of my neck, right down to the very bottom of my spine, the kind of chill that makes you shudder and hug your shoulders, because you know it isn't the cold. I didn't know what this 'separation' would mean, as such but it filled me with longing... and the most desperate kind of pain. In retrospect, I think what terrified me the most was the need to recognise a reality that I already understood, but wasn't quite ready to admit.
As I hugged all of my friends goodbye, I knew they could feel all the built up tension inside of me. They were used to me making dumb comments and getting all teary eyed, but I know they knew things were different this time around, they did bear witness after all, to the medley of disasters that had taken place. So in true best friend fashion, they all tried cracking some seriously lame jokes, which were met with a few pitiful chuckles, and they all made sure each hug lasted just a little longer to try and make up for it. But they knew it and I knew it, and there was no real use to avoid it anymore so, after wasting as many seconds as I could manage , I finally turned to him, half hopeful, and mostly really freaking out. Le confrontation.
This last memory. Our last memory. The words seem morbid, like I was talking about someone dying. You could call it a death, I suppose, but not in the usual sense, not of a living soul. The death of a passion, the death of many memories spanning many years, the death of a feeling that kept me warm, cliche as it may be... many cold lonely nights.
His eyes, dammit... his eyes that never changed since he was that tiny little toddler on a yellow tricycle like in the picture I had... Big, brown eyes I stared into, searching for some kind of an answer. It was all eyes though, just eyes and I didn't even know what I was looking for? Some sparkle? A text page of instructions on what to do? Big ass red hearts popping out like in some deranged Tom and Jerry episode? Disturbing.
I had so many things to say, but none of it seemed remotely right. The carefully prepared speech I'd practised looking into the bathroom mirror - flushed down the toilet. I had so many things I wanted to explain, I had a couple of apologies I wanted to make... but how do you apologise about feelings? I'm sorry I acted like a total lunatic with the calls, but I didn't mean to? Yeah? See? Totally insane. I didn't just want to say sorry either. A part of me wanted to slap him until he was red in the face and scream at him till he was blue. Tell him exactly how much I hated him for allowing to make this mistake. Tell him I never even wanted anything to happen. But that wasn't true either. So how does something that was totally sweet and simple end up being so ugly and complicated? How exactly do two people go from being the best of friends, to never wanted to see each other again?
Then there was this awkward laugh. I'm not evens sure who laughed. It didn't really matter anyway. At that moment we were two strangers trapped in this tiny little space, locked away from every one and every thing else, suffocating, unable to move and unable to speak. I opened my arms, thinking all I had to do was get it over with, and there would be a pat on the back and I'd just walk away. But hugging him and feeling his warmth, the familiar scent and texture of his skin, I can't explain how I felt next... it was kind of like blowing a balloon and flinging it into the air, as it makes this weird noise and spins as it deflates.... I felt a release of something, this funny sweet feeling, whizzing into the air.
It wasn't that I was never going to see him again. it's just that I knew I couldn't see him again, that when I came back whenever that would be, he wouldn't be around, and I wouldn't be looking for him. The years couldn't matter anymore, there was nothing more to be said, everything that could go wrong had and we no longer even had a beginning to go back to.
I couldn't deal with the moment. This guy I used to talk about everything under the sun to, was going to become this msn contact that I never spoke to. If something hilarious happened, he was the person I would look to laugh with. When everything sucked, he was the person I wanted to talk to. It wasn't so much about what had happened, it was more about how much I knew I would miss us, and miss him. Every time we tried to connect after, there would be so much fucked up history that I'd be worrying about when I said this he'd think that and ..ugh... I so wish everything had never gotten this messed up. He was looking for fun, and I thought I was too, but then life changed and I suddenly ended up needing more than he could give. I was prepared for this meaningless fling, but how do you do meaningless with someone that means so much to you? It was a recipe for disaster, and we really burned down the house. I needed to say something or do something, but I was absolutely clueless.

My eyes felt wet and heavy and I knew I was going to have a major breakdown any moment, so I couldn't just hug him, I had to feel him on my lips and so I learn to kiss his cheek, my heart was beating so hard it seemed like everyone else could hear it too, and then, totally unexpected, his hand came up against my chin and pulled my face up, then abruptly, an adamant, almost assaulting kiss interrupted all my thoughts.
I forgot my parents were there, I forgot my friends were there, and I found myself quite literally, lost in the moment. Another, cliche, I know but it was so real... and it lasted just a few seconds, like I had a plug that had been pulled out of it's socked, for a few moments of freedom and beautiful darkness, before everything went back to how it should be.

New Look!!

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Finally, no more green. Aren't I brave? I took the plunge myself.. and decided to try and do it. Verdict - (deep breath, it's a big one)... it actually , wasn't that hard!!!! Revelation.. I'm gonna do this all the time! Yay..
Well not really. Due to me coming out of the closet about hating green.. and having a green blog thing becoming that much of a controversy (I'm a girl, I get to be a drama queen, aaight???) - It just got to the point that I just had to try. I'm tired of conning sweet boys to do my dirty work. Anyway.. Whew. So proud of myself for not fucking it up. Although I did almost delete my blogger account in the process (Don't ask.)
Anyway. Yay yay yay!
I'm going to watch Sex And The City. I have been looking forward to this for ages... but I had to wait to watch it....
*holds up imaginary mike and yodels 'girls just wanna have fun'!

Random Shait.

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Some one here who I shall not blame or name... is playing Sultan's song rulhi naadhey and it is just 'rulhi aruvaning' me. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lol, it's this song I hate it reminds me of the annoying guys on Male' roads who have to do lame ass cat calls and whistles and never seem to fucking grow up and mind their own business. Am I the only person who thinks this is wrong?
Well, I know boys will just be boys but its so irritating.
Like I could be having a massively bad day, and it would be scorching hot... and I have to pass like.. artificial beach maybe. And I don't wanna waste a whole 25 bucks on a cab... so I'll walk. And then I'd have to face --- THE LEGION.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Rulhi naadhey rulhi naadhey? Oh gimme a break. Why am I targeting this song? Coz I was unfortunate enough to cross a few dudes who decided to make a remark 'bout me ...this was long ago... And then I was dumb enough to retort.. and I had to go through massive musical performance. It was very cringe worthy. I was wishing I kept my big mouth shut.
So it's not a critical issue. And no I'm not the feminist type to try and preach here. But I have to say it sometimes makes me wanna break things. Kekeke...
Oh well.. moving away from the thought.
Another sleepless night. Man...Does any one have a cure for insomnia?
Please?
C'mon..
:(
Btw... have you heard the supposedly famous song Get Low... FloRider Ft Tpain I believe. Is it just me or is 'apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur' just too lame to be lyrics?
I do not have a problem with rap or hiphop... if you're talking about say, Tupac yeah.. but that is just, I'm sorry, very lame. This is rivalled by Timberland Ft J.Timberlake, Missy Elliot - Bounce... it goes like this yeah...
Bounce (like yo' ass had the hiccups)
Bounce (like we was ridin' in my pick-up)
Bounce (why you lookin' so sad? baby girl you need to cheer up)
Bounce (I got the remedy, it's you on me and me on you
And you on me and me on you and you on her
Then her on me and her on you and y'all on me
Then me on y'all and y'all on me
Menage a trois, menage a tr-uh-uh)
Please. Like your ass had the hiccups? Oh gimme a break. Yuck.
Sigh. I need breakfast now. Adios amigoz.

A bit of a pointless post...

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We all have questions we need answered.
And I know no one really has the answers we are looking for...
But don't you just wish sometimes that they were all 'google-able?'
Lots of people manage to look really pulled together... and seem virtually flawless... living the American or Maldivian or whatever-it-is dream...
But I wonder, does any one get to really feel that satisfied?
Or do we just convince ourselves it's unattainable to save ourselves from making the effort?
Basically, are we just too fucking lazy to fulfil our potential (that is assuming we have much of it)?
I know, all I'm doing is coming up with another question that begs answering...
But hey it's 4.00.00 a.m. ... I can't be being very productive anyway :p
So here I sit by my laptop, munching up calories I know I'll be regretting when I look at the mirror in the morning (People will be up soon... jeez)...
Wondering if anyone really gets to be happy?
I mean, if happiness is simply a state of mind.. why is it so hard to achieve?
Do we get to a point and press pause?? Is that how the whole thing works?
If we all work to satisfy a need that is unattainable.. doesn't make it useless? Doesn't it make us useless? So how do we, as logically operated beings manage to survive so many centuries being so utterly useless?

Things I hate... really hate...

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So... Am inspired by Iya Ze Great... but I just realised I've done this a few times before... So anyway.. Friggin' bored so here's the updated version!

Waiting in queues and people take their own fucking time moving along...

People who don't fucking queue

Kiss and Tell

Religious Fanatics

Soaps

People who diss anything but Metal

Plastic Flowers

Empty Tissue Boxes

People who think Vodka and a laptop makes a party :P

Green Tea

Dim Sum

Anime Freaks (I know I'm going to get murdered for that but sorry, its pathetic)

Homophobes (what's your problem? let 'em exist, it doesn't make you less of a man)

Feminists

Chauvinists

Lazy bums who play PS/Xbox all the fucking time

Weed-a-holics (Get a life)

Friggin dhivehi version of haruvaalhu hedhun

Penguins... (ie. jubba/ bodu burugaa)

People with degrees/masters/phd's who think less of everyone else

People who have no education and lump around depending on other people's incomes

The word Badi/Slut/Whore

The word Gadda/Player/Stud

Maldivians/Indians...Basically asians who think they're white

Chicks who create too much drama

Chicks who talk constantly about shit they know shit about

Chicks who play dumb

Liars

Hypocrites

Politics

Lindsey Lohan

Miley Cyrus

So called Maldivian frikking gangs (pussies... all of 'em)

Chicks who can only talk about their boyfriends

Dicks who can only talk about their girlfriends

People who have cheesy pms

People who copy paste nicks from various lame websites

People who have supermodels and celebs as their dp's

Men who beg chicks to love 'em

Men who try to buy chicks with gifts and shit

Middle aged people who haven't truly lived think they know better (different era now, you don't know shit)

Crowds of people

Winter in England

MSN Live Messenger

Green Colour (Unless its a traffic light)

Durians

B.O.

People who can't cry/think it's lame (it shows ur human u freak)

Kaalhu voices...


Yeah.. so I'm gonna stop now...I could so frikkin go on though.. Woah... very angry night... perfect for tantrums ;)

Fanatic about Fanatics

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Maldivians come up with a lot of bullshit on a daily basis… have a conversation with anyone… look up the history (if you can call it that)… you could be talking about Rannamaari, it could be the excuse the dude is giving to his girlfriend, the speech at Friday prayers… the last DRP meeting… the latest Anni speech.. Bottom line - whatever it is, you can be sure that it’s at least 99% pure BULLSHIT. In a country where the closest thing to a cow you can get is beef from ‘Fantasy’ (that sounds so fucked up …) that’s really saying something…: P

Lately though, of all the nonsense we’ve been fed since we were poor hapless young ‘uns in primary school….what really got me huffin’ and puffin’ has to be the ever miraculous – JUDGEMENT DAY… Yeah I get how this can be a sensitive topic but hello… this has to be the only country on the planet that can find a connection between the end of the world and white walls! How friggin’ absurd is that? I mean I get the justification behind hell and heaven and rules of society and sin and all that… may not all compute, but anyone can see why this sort of philosophy has to exist… but seriously... Do we really need the idiotic details like people having to fuck all over the roads and buildings having to be tall?

I mean really… how sad is that… do we really have nothing better to do but fabricate a load of cock to make ourselves better about the fact that we have no idea where our lives are going and let’s face it… no one in the world would even notice if we disappeared? Think about it… Should we be wasting our money draping curtains all over us or should we be thinking about the fact that we’re probably going to be under water in the next ten years…? Aha! See?

Its ridiculous… our country is so completely fucked up in economics, education, population control, infrastructure, the ruling party, justice system… you name it baby, we’ve screwed it up!!! So what do we do?? We make our selves feel better by diving into deeper into fanaticism?? I totally get how religion makes us feel more secure and gives us reason for living, motivates us... blah blah blah... Fine... But hey… let me just give you an example…

I know someone who has recently migrated over to the side of *ahem* no return... if you know what I mean, ... But they are expecting a little one again... So they asked for some stuff to be sewn... and get this... Apparently there should be no living organisms depicted on the cloth, no human faces or animals or butterflies... Or flowers…no stars even! I mean, hey I can understand (although I will laugh at you anyway) why you might not want dolls and teddies... (Under the whole Buddha alhukan kurun idiotic rationalization) but please… you’re talking about a baby!!! And I know too many people who wont even let a three year old or two year old wear anything above their ankles!!! They're just toddlers????!!!! 'Aura' hasn't even happened yet??????? And try finding anything for a baby without a flower or a star or a teddy bear... Please, buying her a Barbie will not make her Buddhist or Hindu, I ASSURE YOU!!!! Guess who’s off the gift list eh?

What kind of pathetic idiotic rationalisations do people like this come up with??? I know, I know, I’ve migrated from blogging to ranting… but it’s fucking frustrating… shouldn’t people be pushing for a better education system and at least safe streets for their kids rather than become Al Qaeda wanna-bes?
Another thing... if Adam and Eve were educated about the world and animals and everything... Please explain to me why in so many millions of years... it is only now that we have electricity and plumbing and political institutions?? Do not start telling me that it was primitive before because between Parliamentary Members fingering the press and having entire channels dedicated to observing the lives of rich folks and pigging out at Mc D’s …

Please… you would’ve thought that they’d come up with condoms at least a hundred thousand years ago. Then, maybe we’d have a better situation today? Yes? I fail to see much of a progress.

The fuck? And I’ll probably get called some Satanic shit for saying so… but excuse me for wishing my country was less than a shit hole!
Religion is a whole friggin’ industry nowadays… hey hey, who would listen to the Islamic Democratic Party if they didn’t feel some sort of guilt … they associate with themselves with Islam… every Maldivian finds it mandatory to be a Muslim (I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong… it’s one thing to be born into a muslim family… but it’s an entirely different thing to be thrown in jail for merely contemplating the thought of a different lifestyle!).. anyway.. the point is that since they are directly associated with the religion itself, just about everyone finds themselves guilty as hell (giggle) for not paying attention to them.. see? Very smart of them… nothing to do with respecting faith whatsoever though. Even Barack Obama is scared shitless of being called a muslim see???? Religion whatever it may be… is very little to do with faith… and everything to do with perception and propaganda … at least in these times… Imagine the amount of money people make out of religious books, and campaigns… and selling certain things…. *whew*… its about principles and beliefs? Uh uh… the Dalai Lama for example.. is so friggin’ profiting off it’s celebrity spokespeople and what not… shit just isn’t shit in this world… it’s got a lot of other things to it… Btw.. have you heard about the Pope wearing Oscar de la Renta?? Shit’s even getting fashionable these days ;)

Wow… I should unload more often…. See?? This nonsense is what happens when I don’t blog enough! Anyway… it remains to be seen whether white walls make much of a difference… perhaps the world remains in the hands of the architects then? Heck maybe the Rannamaari will be back from the dead? I have to say, wouldn’t surprise me ;) maybe we’ll have to offer adolescent boys this time… Interesting thought hm?

Before I sign off... thanks people (you know who you are!!!!) for wanting me to blog ;)

Really dumb.

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Another bloody boring day I've been sitting at home dreaming of doing something remotely exciting. I guess stuff just doesn't stimulate me no more.
Sigh.
Baaarghhh.. I've been logging into blogger like everyday or so like some damn looser and thinking of blogging. Mind you, on good days I can make it up to pressing create a new post too. Sadly, I have to now face the pressure of living up to the likes of some really amazing blogs like Bulhaa or damn witty like Iya or Shaf (although it's inaccessible nowadays *cry*) and Simon and all these massively talented folk.
My rather bland blog that lacks an oh so cool layout and damn articulate intellectual bullshit everywhere.. is kinda depressing.
So today I sat infront of my new acer laptop *YAYYYY SO PRETTYYYYY* (Ya. Serious. You should see what nonsense I had before :P) that is like nice enough to take to Starbucks with me and be so cool blogging there :P lol.. and I thought about what to write...
And I kept thinking..
And thinking...
Until...
WHAT THE FUCK I'VE BEEN BLOGGING SINCE LIKE 2005!!! I am an GRANNY blogger!!!! Maldivian oldie anyway. :P I shall continue to blog! I am gonna BLOG. :P
If it's all pure unadulterated boring shit on a really lame layout IT SHALL BE SO! Coz I'm special and thats how my blog becomes special. LMAO.
Bah!
I honestly think that unless I'm depressed or pissed I have nothing amazing to blog about.
And these days I'm happy.
Thus the blog suffers.
LOL
Thousand apologies.
I shall continue sometime, somehow.
Please don't all go pray I become miserable though. Even if you do want me to blog. Or you just have the kinda perverse personality that you like people to be unhappy.
That would be mean. And you're a nice person.
XD

Visionz

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The sun was shining through the stained glass, painting a delicate reflection on the marble floors of the temple.
Her shadow passed over it, dimming the shimmering colors and cloaking it in her darkness.
“Is this the key?”
“Yes"
“Leave.”
She slid off her silken slippers. Each foot delicately stepped unto the stone floor. The cold shock sent shivers down her spine. She pulled the ribbon out of her hair and waves cascaded down her shoulders.
Slowly she moved towards the wooden door. She reached for the knob, and then hesitantly looked around. She was alone in the empty corridor and the silence was suddenly deafening. Glancing back at the knob, she bit her lips. One finger teased the tip of the shiny gold knob. She had come this far.
She closed her eyes and pushed the door open and felt herself tripping, and falling.

With a soft thud she landed on her bum. Balancing upright with her hands, she felt something unexpected. She opened her eyes. The sunlight was blinding. She drew in her breath sharply. In front of her, stretching out miles and miles, shimmering in all its glory, deep and blue… the ocean… she stood on a beach.
Turning around the door she entered through seemed to have disappeared. She dug her toes into the sand… it was wet, but warm…

“Finally”
She hadn’t noticed him beside her.
“What took you so long?”
She just stared… he seemed, so real.
“I am real”
She gaped.
“I… I came here looking for you”
“Yes”
“And, but, how…I…”
He laughed. His whole face filled with a brightness that was divine, his face seemed ethereal. The sound of his laugh although familiar, had taken a whole new dimension. It was almost as though his voice had acquired a new quality although it still sounded the same.
“I’ve known you a lifetime. And you have never been at a loss before”
She reached out to touch him. He felt solid… and as her fingers passed over his skin, a wave of heat passed through her. As when he was inside her… after all those years, she felt complete in that moment… looking into his eyes. They were like the ocean that lay in front… deep, strong, calm, and beautiful.
“I missed you…”
“I know.”
He pulled her close, she felt his breath, it smelled so sweet… she could almost taste him… taste the sweetness that is him….intoxicating…
Tears poured down her cheeks, leaving glistening trails…. Her breath was caught in throat, the pain spread from somewhere deep within until soon she was shaking, her vision blurred… the colors faded…
His hand stretched out, touched her chin…softly caressed her cheek… and as he wiped away her tears, she closed her eyes in quiet ecstasy. And as she stood in his arms… there was no telling where she ended, and he began…

Suddenly the warm wetness under her feet felt icy cold. A gust of wind felt like a hundred knives on her naked skin. She was suddenly alone. A cold hand grabbed her shoulder.
She opened her eyes in shock.
The hand pushed her, and she felt herself falling violently. Crashing onto the ground, she felt a sharp pain as body hit the stone floor. She turned around.
But there was no one.
She stood quickly and stood searching. She felt panic rising inside her, and a strong fear washed over her… only she didn’t know what she was afraid of.
“Laara”
She looked above. There was no sky. Just empty darkness. But the voice was coming from above. It was raspy… full of anger…hate… her eyes searched for a face….
“Laara”
She kept turning, facing the sky…following the chanting… faster… faster…
“Laara”
She was spinning now.
“Laara”
Everything was blurred… then there was a flash, she felt herself falling again
Her blood tasted bitter in her mouth. It dribbled out the corner of her lips… he raised her eyes and looked back into the sky. The sky was blazing … a ceiling of fire above her…
“Laara”
The voice sounded closer now, she tried to move, but her body felt too heavy, she turned to face her right.

She opened her mouth and screamed. And screamed. And screamed. Not a sound.
She couldn’t even close her eyes.
“You see me now?”
She felt dizzy. The blood. The oozing pus.
“Do you see me now?”
Her mouth gaped open but she couldn’t make a sound.
“I said, do you see me now!”
His skin was burnt, the wounds were bleeding, pus covered most of his skin… the pink flesh visible in the gashes…
“I hate you. I hate you. I should be alive. You should have died”
She felt something poured over her… felt like water… slippery… wet… smelt like danger… gasoline…
“No!”

She felt so light… she was floating. But she could still see herself lying on the ground as he towered over her. She was watching herself. She watched him light the match. She watched herself plead and beg. She watched him light the fire. She watched it spread. She watched her self scream, in pain and agony. She watched her porcelain skin burn, and melt… She watched him watching her.
Expressionless….
Except for the hatred in his eyes…

Too much to bear, the pain, the memories… the weight. She didn’t feel so light now… heavier and heavier… falling… faster… crashing… hard…
And she woke up… drenched in sweat… lifted her head from the pillow, her head felt so heavy… she was sweating but she felt so, so cold. She tried to breathe, she told herself to breathe, but it hurt… her whole body ached. On her elbows she balanced herself… nausea filled her senses… she slumped and fell back…
Her eyes could hardly open, she turned to her saw. And it was there… so inviting. She couldn’t do it. She had to… She couldn’t… But she needed…

It was like the fumes revived her. Like the smoke traveled into her… and spread through her… brought her alive… electric…
Cross legged, she sat… on the mattress… when did she last see sunlight, she didn’t even know. But she didn’t need to. All she wanted was what she held in her palms… she stared at it… feeling it, seeing it, holding it... excited her...
Her gaze lifted and she searched the wall. Searched for the picture… a perfect picture it is… she should frame it some day. It hung crooked on the wall… she tilted her head…
She kept staring… and the colors grew brighter… and the picture grew bigger… until it seemed to be right in front of her… and then it surrounded her…

And the sun was shining on her face again… the stained glass sparkled on the windows…
A little monk stood in front of her, his arm stretched out… he slowly opened his fist.
And in his palm, a golden key glistened.
She smiled as she gently picked it up. For a moment she looked at it dangling from its chain, illuminated in the light…
“Is this the key?”
“Yes.”

Giggle

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Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

In response to a silent SOS sent by some 'Single Gals'

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Warning. May get a little cheesy. For atleast five girls I know. Because I love ya. And I need to get this off me chest.

Too many women throw themselves into romance because they're afraid of being single, then start making compromises and losing their identity. I won't do that.
Julie Delpy


I think that is absolutely totally true. I think a lot of girls grow up making a lot of schedules and plans... and end up with a lot of disappointment and regret. It's not really their fault, they are practically groomed to do so. Honestly, from the age of 5, she's dressing up a Barbie doll and taking it on dates with Ken - it's just a matter of time before she starts whining to Mom about repeating games, with her own real life version.

Follow up to having to marry at a certain age. She meets the a fun guy and he's adorable but shows no signs of settling down and she's worrying about what is to happen so she weds what I like to call the next best thing. A boy that Mummy will like, Daddy won't chase out - steady job, looks alright. The night of her wedding or equivelant) she has a minor panic attack - along the lines of 'wtf am I doinggggg???' , but she decides she's put in too much effort, it's too late to change her mind, she has an obligation and hence forth she ventures into what will blossom into (usually) totally not what she expected.

There comes a stage in her life when she and her husband are sleeping in different beds, possibly with different people... and they are wondering how the hell they ended up this pathetic. They are staying together for their kid who probably hates the fact that his parents are so fucking fucked up. Sigh...
And anyway... the pattern is familiar. Especially in Maldives...

I protest against this. It's one thing to be responsible and ready for it, but you absolutely do not have to fall into this trap either.

Dedicated to my single girl friends...
I talk to you guys all the time, I've no problems with offering my shoulder to cry on or a ear for your issues... but I just wanna say. You're beautiful people. Don't think the whole world is over because one guy is being an asshole. As my loabivaa Ree once said to me - sometimes we just gotta meet some jerks so we can appreciate the prince when he comes along! But having said that...(hehe) there are no real princes... everyone comes with their own quirks... and people make mistakes... and everyone comes from different backgrounds.. so in a relationship, you cant always expect things to go your way.

But most importantly, enjoy being single if you are. The best things happen when you aren't looking for it. I was single for ages before stepping into my current relationship, and it was good you can enjoy your freedom and independance, which is really what you should be doing as young, dynamic women.

There's nothing wrong with being alone(eh, 6 billion on the planet, you can never really be alone :P), you do have friends and you should have other interests (other than guys) or you can always take this time to find such interests. Invest in some quality 'me' time, chances are that the older you get, the less of that you'll have! I know I sound like a bad self-help book... and it's not sympathy here... it's kinda like been there, seen that... and wish you'd sooner realize what I took a long time to. You do NOT need a man to validate you by any means.
Of course being in a relationship by no means involves total submission (thats just sad) but you'll end up having another thing to consider - that's unavoidable and you'll do it unconciously anyway.

And another thing is... you don't have to settle for being the third wheel. You do not have to be pulled into the 'bermuda triangle of love'. You deserve a whole relationship, someone who focuses on you and cares about you enough to know that you ain't some mistress. Some chicks genuinely believe that there are two categories - mistresses and wives. I seriously oppose that, and I hate that people push girls into these stereotypes. Being outgoing and fun is a personality trait and it is no basis to judge on her ability to be a good partner in general. People always blame the other girl, but it's the guy who has to consider the fact that he is already in a relationship with someone else, why does the 'other person' have to be blamed for the deliberate ignorance on the involved persons part.

Point is... get out of your hurtful situations, stand up for yourself, enjoy being you... being I rather than an US. Before my current relationship.. I was more or less single .. for ages! And it hurt, and there were times that I hated it and I hated my self for being in that situation and for being like that. I've been tempted to go out with the nice guys I met but it's just not fair to play on anyone's emotions simply to run away from my own insecurities. Life's just not fair sometimes, I know. But hello... you gotta use that time to make yourself stronger, and it eventually feels a lot better... and then it feels plain ol' gooooood... the key is to get to a place where it doesn't matter whether you're with someone or not... you need to be able to live with yourself first, where you're independent and you know you'll survive. And then, a lover's simply a wonderful bonus...

No such thing as 'everything'. Delete 'what if I had never let you go'. Remove the likes of 'nothings gonna change my love for you'. I will personally throttle you if you play 'lonely'. I hate Akon for coming up with that disaster of a song.
Ditch that bullshit for whatever you like and makes you feel good. Don't be as lame as 'I will survive' though :P. Cuz that's a given, that's gotta happen. Try Natasha Bedingfield's Single.

A BIG BIG BIG MMMWAH.
Girls rock ;)


Edgar Guest...
"Myself"
I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of a man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself up in sham.

I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself -- and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

Spirituality

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I was just chatting to this guy I know via MSN… and he was asking me about going to a temple. Now I know the only reason he spoke to ‘me’ of all people about it is because apparently I have some how joined the band wagon of poster girls for Maldivian controversy… but what really annoyed me was how he spoke of it as if it was a very extreme, shocking, creepy, outrageous thing he was about to do. It absolutely baffled me.
What on earth was the big deal?
Oh yeah yeah, we saw allegedly saw pictures of a certain politicians daughter kneeling down in front of Buddha in a temple and all that jazz… Honestly, truly I see nothing wrong. The whole experience is complete by experiencing their ceremonies, there is no point of going to watch from 20 yards away, in that case TV should suffice… after all these religions are not some little cults; they have history, culture… It took me a while to figure out what the buzz was about!
I would love to go to a Buddhist or a Hindu temple;, especially the old gorgeous ones. I have been to countless Mosques (which is also supposedly touchy, me being a woman) and beautiful gothic, Victorian churches. And I fail to see the wrong in that.
It is so annoying because this guy keeps talking as if he's doing something so BBAAAAADDDD... (Knowing Maldivian male philosophy he thinks it subsequently makes him cool – please lah, get a reality check) and I feel like injecting the motherfucker with a good dose of heroin or something. If he so fucking wants to be doing something 'wrong'… ya know?
Hinduism and Buddhism are both widely misunderstood by Muslim communities. I mean you can go on hating but do you even know what Om means?? The chant itself has a very, very complex association with the religion but in any case, what it defines has basically the same meanings we associate with Allah. Om is the Hindhu symbol of the absolute (correct me if I’m wrong please) – isn’t that the very word we are also using? And I am not doing anything wrong by linking the two religions. All the major religions of the world have many similarities. It is wrong for us to divide ourselves so vehemently.
This disassociation with each other has caused eons of hatred and violence. All religions are based on a divine existence, finding peace within one self, being good human beings, loving one another. So it does not matter whether I walk into a temple or a mosque or a church, it does not matter whether young Maldivian kids watch movies and chant along to Om Jai Jagdish because all they are saying is that they believe in their God, it does not specify any God... in fact once you observe the translation you should be noticing that it is totally synonymous with Muslim beliefs.
It really irks me. I hate the word Kafir. At least the way it is used by Maldivians. It is more than a word, it is even worse that a characterisation or stereotype – it is a judgement. And it is wrong.
There are many good people I have met and whom I love who, simply put, do not recite the same prayers that I do. All prayer is about self reflection, humbleness, hope, faith and forgiveness. For betterment of our lives, to better ourselves… for harmony, for peace, for love… does it matter what words we say or which direction we face? I say true religion comes from the heart, and it is only the heart that matters.
I have met many a fellow Muslim who has caused me nothing but pain. In fact everyday in Malaysia I face discrimination that because I have Indian looks I have no right to be Muslim. I thought Islam was about the Ummath coming together. Apparently some people don’t think so.
One must seek knowledge. Seriously, experience all sorts of rituals. Read about different beliefs. All you will discover is that we are all not much different. Something’s may seem strange, but then consider their reasoning’s, the culture of the environment and other factors and do not ridicule them. If you are so narrow minded that you must confer and confide about a simple visit to a religious area, then you are already a lost cause. Step off your high and mighty pedestal and join us humble folk. Whatever you wear, a cross or a crescent or a star… the symbol itself does not make you better than anybody else. Again, it’s what is inside you that counts. Yeah man, its’ down to our soul man… Hehe…
(On that note, you might seriously want to meditate readers, its so good for the soul, you could try it via Hindu or Buddhist methods, or any other forms of doing it… or even the simple Namaadh is really a meditation too)
The fact is that even Islam has many deviations. Shock. Horror. How many centuries has it been? Of course there are deviations. We are only human, and we carry the legacy. While maintaining our own moral values and beliefs is vital, it is far more important to stop judging other people, and to start judging ourselves.

(But please, don't just light up a joint and claim to be a rastafarian because you have dreads okay? Thats so lame. That aint experiencing another culture. That's loosing your identity. There is a difference. If you are curious, wikipedia it.)

Tagged. So here goes Nuffink!

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Shaari tagged me.. and I'm INSANELY bored... so I shall graciously accept his 'taggation' :P... I hate holidays man, I have nothing to do.

A - Available?: Not really, wouldn't say so.

B-Best friend: I have family. Don't really believe in best friends...

C-Cake or Pie: Cupcake. It's a full fledged addiction.

D-Drink of choice: Mmm... Tea

E-Essential thing used everyday: Toilet. :P Ha ha.

F-Favourite colour: Fuschia, Black, White

G-Gummi bears or worms: Gummi bears.. RED ONES :D choo cute...

H-Hometown: I would say Male', but KL really feels like home to me...

I-Indulgence: Ooohhhh.. Chocolate souffle, chocolate flan... chocolate fudge cake... chocolate icecream... chocolate indulgence cake... mmm... *licks lips*

J-January or February: January - the beggining of better days, starting over, I was born... just a great month indeed :P

K-Kids and names: Ooh, a whole foot ball team! I shall name them as they pop out. No need for such worries now.

L-Life: Live and let live...

M-Marriage date: Since I was a kid I used to be sure it would be 11.11.11, now it's way too close for comfort. (Btw, my rationalization for this was that every anniversary would be a public holiday so we could stay at home and SLEEP! LOL)

N-No of siblings: One immediate, one more on the way, Four steps...

O-oranges or apples: Oranges

P-Phobias: I have not been able to yet fully explore this aspect of my life. Crocodiles I suppose.

Q-Quote: We were both in love with him. I fell out of love with him, but he didn't.
(Zsa Zsa Gabor ). Note: The above is not my favourite quote of all time, just my latest discovery... Zsa Zsa is one heck of a lady :P, so I shall honor her this time.

R-Reason to smile: I've already blogged about this very many times... But my main motivation is my Sis.

S-Season: Summer!

T-Tag three people: Argh... I'm left with tagging the technically untaggable. So, Subbe, Shaf and Iya. Although I'm absolutely positive the latter two won't respond. Bt that's fine. Heck, the reason I'm doing this is because I am bored out of my mind.

U-Unknown fact about me: I'm a lingerie addict.

V-Vegetable you do not like: Beans and Peas

W-Worst habit: Paranoia. Actually that may just be a personality disorder rather than a habit. Oh what the hell...

X-x-rays you have had: Just about everything.

Y-Your favorite food: Italian. I should marry an Italian Chef. Sigh....

Z-Zodiac: Capricorn...and a somewhat typical one.

Remembering Yesterday

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All my posts are derived from personal experiences of my own, and of my friends... they stem from feelings that I have or have had... by memories... by dreams... by hopes... by emotions of all kinds, some that aren't too nice either. I've had people give me support... I've had people who thought that they brightened up their day (which are always the best things to hear) and I've had problems... In fact, I've had a lot of hate mail. What do I do with it? Sometimes I stare, I always read... and then usually I delete. Simply because, yes, I'm not really strong enough to deal with that shit. The worst is when I've lost friends over rash things I've said or opinions I've expressed. Maybe they weren't really friends, I don't know, I'll never know. But it hurt... anyway...
A friend of mine has this on his pm 'never regret anything that made you smile'. For some reason today I noticed it, as in really noticed it. This is not about that person or anything to do with him. Just that today, that pm really caught me. And I've seen it before, even spoken about it with him. But today it just... irritated me. No actually it simply pissed me off.
I don't believe in that. I think sometimes we simply smile and enjoy ourselves and forget about the people around us. People who love us, people who have sacrificed their time and energy to make us smile. And we simply enjoy the smile and forget the moment. I've made this mistake a fair share of times, and honestly... not realising this was what made me unhappy. I was too self involved to care about the people who took their time to try and keep me satisfied. Sometimes I said society wanted me to perform a particular way, sometimes I said I couldn't trust no one. I came up with excuses, I said I had problems. And we all do... we all suffer, that is the nature of humanity. Yet there are people who take time out of their worlds to ensure we get our share of smiles. And we forget that.
I think having regrets help balance the scale. If you don't regret your mistakes, you will never be able to correct them. Because, clearly, they don't matter to you. I regret spending huge amounts of time crying over someone(s) who was(were) too self involved to see me standing there. I regret that I wasted all that time when I should have been there for my mom. I regret it had me so confused that I wasn't able to concentrate on my own damned career, that my father invested so much time into. When my other Mom (who'd probably read this - btw congrats again!) kept reminding me to... I regret not being myself simply because other people had changed. I regret ending up being one of those typical stupid chicks (that I love making fun of) who trailed around in mistake after mistake, after all the wrong guys... and all the wrong habits. I make it sound ugly...but every single time, what I was really doing was chasing a smile. A smile which was al that remained of a memory that had faded away and revealed a mistake. Something I should have learned to regret.
Thank god I stopped smiling. I also stopped crying. I think I've learnt to regret and keep myself grounded. Now I'm smiling again. Really smiling again. And I really think that this time it isn't a clouded smile... It's a smile of someone that remembers those who matter, things who matter ... remembers her mistakes, regrets them, has paid and in some ways is still paying for them - but no matter what, is grateful that she's been rewarded with the ability to 'smile nevertheless'...



(And she's got a new reason to smile, and giggle too.. and he, oops I mean.. everythings just great ;) - I'm so darned corny... anyways wish me luck with the smiling and all! )

The wonderful world of PMS

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I am a snob
I am bad tempered and what's worse, short tempered
I am selfish
And usually I tried to cover up these less than attractive attributes of mine, (much like everybody else - Eh, if you wanna go ahead and claim to be some sickly sweet, unselfish, un-judgemental person, you need to be treated by a psychologist for being dillusional, in denial and being, basically dumb) today I am so utterly and totally FED UP that I shall just rampage ahead and display them in full, blatant GLORY.
No I refuse to wash the fucking dishes today, I refuse to lift a finger
I may or may not spend this month's rent money on a spa package - eviction, what's eviction, big words for big boys.. I don't wanna think about it, so THERE
I feel like complaining about all the fucking pretty young little sluts roaming around the streets and messing up my game. HMPH...
I will NOT answer the phone if I don't like your name
And I shall throttle you, murder you, hang you from my balcony, beat you up with a rolling pin, steal your rubber ducky... exactly if I wish to (goodbye good manners, any trace of morality and ethics and sayonara to my inhibitions) - just be glad it's through super poke. :P
I will pig out on all sorts of sweet things in hope of a sugar rush making me smile (Because I'm worth it - and FUCK YOU Lo'real, y'all are fucking liars that promise blond and dish out green), and I will ignore the fact that my little pouch is now a significant bulge.
If you want to remind me about my roundeity, I will kill you. Make no mistake. I will mother fucking CASTRATE you.
Infact, if you are a man and you value your balls, I suggest for the next seven days you stay away from me. Far, far away from me.
I am celebrating being a woman - yeah baby don't you fucking feel happy for me?
Can I get a woohoo?
Ah, I'm a fucking star bitch, when you see me - make a wish!

Observations and irritations...

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Meet the fockers, meet the parents, meet the spartans, ... do your lips wish to meet my ass? Jeez I hate these commercial flicks, I mean, I like a laugh too but what the fuck happened to visual art? Since when did movie making become synonymous with pure, unadulterated CRAP??? What happened to visions, art, poetry, ideology, philosophy and all that great shit ha? Why do dumb fucks sell?
Anyway, I'll just get off my high horse for a moment and indulge you with a little insight into my present life. I'm happy! (Hurray, yes we haven't heard that in a while have we? But don't get excited, you know how life and irony work...) Thus I have had less time to blog... (yes, that's sad, I know, but I've finally got some free time away from the jollyness that is my present life so don't worry I shall weave you some words to delight you :p... or not... )
Why is everyone in the world obsessed with making drug movies about heroin? I thought the new generation was all about educating the leftover hippies of the last era and prevent reoccurence of full blown stupidity but INSTEAD, have managed have created a mass of youth obsessed about sex, drugs and violence. I'm exaggerating?? The year 2008 had its little inaugration with American Gangster and every teenage boy has begun to memorise its lines.
I have no faith in people? Absolutely, but let me argue my case a little... how many stupid gang walls and pm messages did the words 'this is sparta', '[insert some hisaabugandu or gang name]'s spartans', 'brothers in arms' etc appear???? They write it, spray it, draw it, type it, chant it, and basically it becomes some sort of psychological/physiological mantra. Idiots got fucking too much of an imagination and have been spoilt from head to toe by naive (read: desperate) parents basically.
I can appreciate the creativity in the productions but I think flooding the media with images of people shooting smack or sniffing coke (by the by, why can't it be based on say... e? meth? k??? why must they specifically market sugar and coke??) especially when the largest consumers are aged between 13 and 20 (impressionable ages) is just like asking for them to screw up. They happen to be adolescents and its their natural DNA to snoop, experiment and know no bounds.
Ah well... In Male' atleast poor things got nothing better to do... it's like weed's kicked the Maldivians favourite err... toys like hmm monopoly... or basketball.. or well anything harmless anyway. Sigh they have sex and drugs... and they watch Hollywood movies.. honestly, it's like programming a computer... it's fucking meant to operate that way!!!
By the way... music recommendation of the week - Black Heart by David Usher
*Sigh, I'll resume bitching randomly, I'm just gonna chomp on my new drug (CUPCAKES from MARMALADE in Bangsar Village II... to DIE for...) and sip some of my herbal tea
(we cultured folk, you see)
Whats with everyone in Male' generally, hmmm???? You ask them how they are doing and they reply with some lame line like 'everything sucks, I don't know who I am'...I mean honestly... Do I look like I want to sit there and listen to your emo crap? Get a life... It's not that I lack empathy, it's that over and over again these fuckers repeat the same pathetic procedure and complain about the consequences which from what I see, is practically as if they're ordering from a fucking catalogue for it to be brought to them!!!! Is no one capable for standing up and saying 'yeah I fucked up but I won't get fucked over' and taking charge of their lives?
Everyone in that tiny little crap hole is living with their parents, off their parents, abusing some one or some substance, and moaning over some chick/dude (or both)and wailing about how life is unfair. Which is why I cannot live their over a month, and thank GOD I have the means not to... *bows down*
Take a trip to China, or Japan or any of these up and coming business hubs of the world... see if they've got any time for your BULLSHIT. Thats why they happen to have cash, and they are successful... see Singapore??? It's a fucking dictatorship too, but the people look out for themselves and don't just sit infront of Al Jazeera and ruin all chances of Tourism flourishing. Why is everyone so bent on being a brat and wasting fucking time???Time is MONEY.... If people would just get a grip... we could all do so much better as a country, as an economy... Maldives should be fucking communist. What do we have to loose anyway?
No matter how much you think Golhabo is a loser, he's laughing his way to the bank... and you are simply making a million excuses to justify your failures. Seems to me... MDP sucks as much as DRP does and there is no one, absolutely no one who can save our country, our society and our community except ourselves. But hold on, we are too busy doing nothing... and teaching our kids the values of life (via 'Blow', 'Requiem For A Dream', 'Trainspotting', 'American Gangster', 'Gangs of New York')...*ahem* and instilling in them also... the art of doing nothing... and achieving even less.

On my mind...

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Lovely already this Too-Oh-Oh-Ate is...
:)
And happy bday to me... another wrinkle, another year, more responsibilities... more troubles... *sigh*...
Two more years to find the guy, five more years to get married, seven more years till kids... God :(... That is if I follow my life plan (which has already been severely disrupted so I guess it doesn't quite matter anymore... but I still kind of consider it :P)
I just keep thinking of how ironic everything so far in Jan'z been... like everything which I thought of as signed, sealed, delivered... went totally berserk... I mean things happened lah, way too late or completely off mark.
The whole of last year I prayed for somethings to happen... and they did... after it all become useless and IRRELEVANT!!! And I should be frustrated but all I can manage is to be somewhat amused.
Anyways I can't wait to see what else is in store.. actually scratch that... It sort of scares me...

Two Zero Zero Eight

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I deleted the 'Fucked Up' post coz I really didn't want the year to begin like that, because you know, it really did not begin that bad. The year ending was lovely, and the year began with a whole lot more hope.
Sure I had to come to terms with a hell lot of loss, in terms of relationships of all sorts and times and lots of other things. 2007 was hard, and even if it's just a blog - it's symbolic of a lot of me... and I refuse to begin a fresh new year in such a depressing, negative, childish manner...
But... Thanks everyone who added the nice, sweet comments. And for the negative ones.. yeah you're right. I was being a brat... I ought to know a whole lot better.

So my NY resolutions... is ;

1. To be a better friend, a better support to my mother and the people in my family who do give a damn about me (like Kootha, Faraa ... and all...) - basically surround myself with positive people and get rid of everyone else... and make a clear distinction between coffee mates, party mates (who I shall not mention) and REAL FRIENDS (like Sharu...).. yeah...

2. To maybe go for a serious relationship, seriously... I have like joked around enough I mean... I can't keep running away from all kinds of commitment dho? I wanna stop being scared to care... and start going for stable guys instead of hiding by going for ones that just wanna have fun!

3.To start writing again, and earning etc... I should start again where I left off!!! WORK!!!!

4. To find more time for the things I used to love like diving, reading and MUSIC, and spend less time on the things that used to occupy all my time (and my cash!!!)! ---> HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE!!!

5. To smile more :D

Second Chances

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People are exactly what they are. People. Ie - they are human.
Which means they make mistakes.
Which is fine.
It also means that they are simply who they are.
They don't really change.
What I'm trying to say is that.. some one who is mean tempered will always really be mean tempered. They can try not to be but when worst comes to worst... you'll see their true colours - so to speak.
Some one who lies... will always lie. Maybe they'll stop once you scream at them enough, but when they have the chance to avoid a bad situation they'll just up lying - it is only natural, in fact.
That's why I don't really believe in giving people second chances, atleast not most of the time.
On the other hand I do believe that the mistakes people make do not always reflect who they are... I am just saying that if you are, for example, possesive and jealous by nature... you will probably always be so and it's not really even your fault - you should be with someone who appreciates those characteristics. Not someone who judges or worse - resents such.
Observing another example... a violent person has always been and will forever be a violent person. If you think you can prove a point by hitting, slapping or stabbing someone... it's probably too deeply embedded in you to really fade away especially by something I say. Perhaps some one (anyone) could try to threaten you and stop you, but if thats what you always end up resorting to (as in physical methods), in a serious emotional event who is to say you won't do the same thing again? And if I don't believe in such values... I should probably avoid you rather than continue to fight to maintain what is essentially an on and off love-hate relationship with you. Perhaps we would be happier living seperate lives. Perhaps I am the only one who provokes this in you. Then maybe it is better for both of us ... perhaps you could find a better suited scapegoat for your issues.
So... if there so happens to be a situation wherein you break my trust, go against my will, disappoint me... or you know, basically infuriate me... I'm saying I would probably 'move on' .. sooner or later. I just don't have the patience to wait for this sort of change, I just don't see it happening.
Don't get me wrong though it's not because it's unforgivable, after all I am human and just as far from perfect as you are, if not more so. I've been given my fair share of second chances with friends and all that I basically begged for, but I've to say... in the end, 'I' regretted it more than the person who gave me the chance. Would've been better off just to fuck off. Just about every time. So it's not really a matter of selfishness, I mean - compromise is there but a lot of the time, it so isnt worth it. Or it will prove to be.
It's a question of compatibility... it's like we are better off not knowing each other.

Be it friends... lovers... or even family.