Last Kiss

So there I was, standing on the little platform, feeling utterly and totally dejected, rejected and the like. It had been a total waste of a perfectly good holiday, bombarded with catastrophe after catastrophe. You know, the kind of holiday it takes massive amounts of alcohol to recover from. Ironically, departing was turning out to be far more painful than the enormous relief I had been expecting, albeit preparing, to feel.
I watched my friends discussing something animatedly with my mother, and tugged the ends of my mouth into what I hoped would turn out to be a smile, hoping to feel twist what I was feeling into a different emotion but it was just tugging at my heart all the more. I turned to gaze at the ferry and the deep blue that stretched ahead. Suddenly I couldn't breathe.
The trip that lay ahead was one that I had been making an average of four times an year, for the past four years so clearly, I should have been more than used to it. It wasn't like I wasn't coming back or anything... I was used to it. The thing about this particular situation... the thing is... I don't even know what the thing is actually! Well... the significance I suppose. Each journey is different of course, and depending on how you look at it, you're always saying a real goodbye to someone or something, sometimes a part of who you are, and you will, usually, find yourself welcoming something else instead.
I'm not even sure I'm telling this story right anymore!
I remember a shiver running from the back of my neck, right down to the very bottom of my spine, the kind of chill that makes you shudder and hug your shoulders, because you know it isn't the cold. I didn't know what this 'separation' would mean, as such but it filled me with longing... and the most desperate kind of pain. In retrospect, I think what terrified me the most was the need to recognise a reality that I already understood, but wasn't quite ready to admit.
As I hugged all of my friends goodbye, I knew they could feel all the built up tension inside of me. They were used to me making dumb comments and getting all teary eyed, but I know they knew things were different this time around, they did bear witness after all, to the medley of disasters that had taken place. So in true best friend fashion, they all tried cracking some seriously lame jokes, which were met with a few pitiful chuckles, and they all made sure each hug lasted just a little longer to try and make up for it. But they knew it and I knew it, and there was no real use to avoid it anymore so, after wasting as many seconds as I could manage , I finally turned to him, half hopeful, and mostly really freaking out. Le confrontation.
This last memory. Our last memory. The words seem morbid, like I was talking about someone dying. You could call it a death, I suppose, but not in the usual sense, not of a living soul. The death of a passion, the death of many memories spanning many years, the death of a feeling that kept me warm, cliche as it may be... many cold lonely nights.
His eyes, dammit... his eyes that never changed since he was that tiny little toddler on a yellow tricycle like in the picture I had... Big, brown eyes I stared into, searching for some kind of an answer. It was all eyes though, just eyes and I didn't even know what I was looking for? Some sparkle? A text page of instructions on what to do? Big ass red hearts popping out like in some deranged Tom and Jerry episode? Disturbing.
I had so many things to say, but none of it seemed remotely right. The carefully prepared speech I'd practised looking into the bathroom mirror - flushed down the toilet. I had so many things I wanted to explain, I had a couple of apologies I wanted to make... but how do you apologise about feelings? I'm sorry I acted like a total lunatic with the calls, but I didn't mean to? Yeah? See? Totally insane. I didn't just want to say sorry either. A part of me wanted to slap him until he was red in the face and scream at him till he was blue. Tell him exactly how much I hated him for allowing to make this mistake. Tell him I never even wanted anything to happen. But that wasn't true either. So how does something that was totally sweet and simple end up being so ugly and complicated? How exactly do two people go from being the best of friends, to never wanted to see each other again?
Then there was this awkward laugh. I'm not evens sure who laughed. It didn't really matter anyway. At that moment we were two strangers trapped in this tiny little space, locked away from every one and every thing else, suffocating, unable to move and unable to speak. I opened my arms, thinking all I had to do was get it over with, and there would be a pat on the back and I'd just walk away. But hugging him and feeling his warmth, the familiar scent and texture of his skin, I can't explain how I felt next... it was kind of like blowing a balloon and flinging it into the air, as it makes this weird noise and spins as it deflates.... I felt a release of something, this funny sweet feeling, whizzing into the air.
It wasn't that I was never going to see him again. it's just that I knew I couldn't see him again, that when I came back whenever that would be, he wouldn't be around, and I wouldn't be looking for him. The years couldn't matter anymore, there was nothing more to be said, everything that could go wrong had and we no longer even had a beginning to go back to.
I couldn't deal with the moment. This guy I used to talk about everything under the sun to, was going to become this msn contact that I never spoke to. If something hilarious happened, he was the person I would look to laugh with. When everything sucked, he was the person I wanted to talk to. It wasn't so much about what had happened, it was more about how much I knew I would miss us, and miss him. Every time we tried to connect after, there would be so much fucked up history that I'd be worrying about when I said this he'd think that and ..ugh... I so wish everything had never gotten this messed up. He was looking for fun, and I thought I was too, but then life changed and I suddenly ended up needing more than he could give. I was prepared for this meaningless fling, but how do you do meaningless with someone that means so much to you? It was a recipe for disaster, and we really burned down the house. I needed to say something or do something, but I was absolutely clueless.
My eyes felt wet and heavy and I knew I was going to have a major breakdown any moment, so I couldn't just hug him, I had to feel him on my lips and so I learn to kiss his cheek, my heart was beating so hard it seemed like everyone else could hear it too, and then, totally unexpected, his hand came up against my chin and pulled my face up, then abruptly, an adamant, almost assaulting kiss interrupted all my thoughts.
I forgot my parents were there, I forgot my friends were there, and I found myself quite literally, lost in the moment. Another, cliche, I know but it was so real... and it lasted just a few seconds, like I had a plug that had been pulled out of it's socked, for a few moments of freedom and beautiful darkness, before everything went back to how it should be.