The mask

"Smokin..."
[twists and turns in maniac manner]
Thom had her very first bass lesson today and is feeling so hyped she is talking in third person oa! Aai aai, <: It was quite nice, and I hate to admit it (well... coz it is so frigging cliche) but nothing and absolutely nothing can compare to the hype, drive and resultant high that comes with music. Not even sex (YESSSS I SAID IT :P) Masks dho... She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
Masks can merge with your body, exposed to enough heat, will weld into your skin... part of you, you must bleed to seperate... that can delve further into you, so you no longer remenber where the artificial you ends and your soul begins... crushes you, buries you... till you finally die... and all thats left is an empty, hollow shell...
I'm so very lost...
[slams fist onto table again and again and again]
This happens every time. Everytime life takes a turn for the better, everything comes crashing down. Yeah? Everything happens for a reason? Life is as it is because its meant to be so? Fuck it yeah? People suck, the world sucks. I should be more into this revenge and blackmail bullshit, thats what this whole revolves around anyway.
You think you know someone and they betray you, they fucking betray you. Over crap. CRAP!Oh atleast find a good reason.

Man: I love you I love you (repeat 100 times or so) *within a week*
Woman: Don't say what you don't mean.
[various childish events occur, woman gets fed up of man acting like an arse]
Man: [my ex is so great bla bla bla]
Woman: Um... this isn't working for me
Man: Ok... I will always love you. You can have me anytime etc.
Woman: So sorry.
[man guilt trips woman. woman feels guilty as well. woman makes amends, does everything he asks]
Man: Oh yeah. I'm back with ex
Woman: [genuinely happy] that's great
Man: I can't drop you home from my studio where you come and play professional music while I stare at your arse and I invited you to come to in the first place saying I wanted us to all be friends and act like adults. Ekam ok dho after all you are in love with your guy and I am in love with my girl, I shifted true love from you to her within 2 days, wow!
Woman: Hey it's alright
[few days later]
Man: Stop coming to my house. My ex doesnt like it, even though you now are part of our band and play music seriously as well as give coffees etc from time to time... and my ex is in a row with my family so she is not allowed into my house either and I am never alone in my house due to band members being around.
Woman: But.. but.. but...

Silly Things...

My blog is worth $564.54.
http://www.business-opportunities.biz/projects/how-much-is-your-blog-worth/">How much is your blog worth?

Reasons and excuses... fine fine lines...

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new....and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new....and the reason is You

I really am sorry... to everyone I've managed to hurt. It so seems that everytime I fall for some one I end up in a guitappu... but when it doesn't happen for me... obviously... you're getting into the same situation... I'm sorry... The world's unfair to all of us innit?

The Dream

Dreams is defined in Webster's Dictionary as a "sequence of sensations, images, thoughts, etc., passing through a sleeping person's mind"

Sometimes, dreams can be understood in the the context of repressed thoughts. Dreaming serves as an outlet for those thoughts and impulses we repress during the day. When we go to sleep at night and slip into our dream state, we feel liberated and behave and act in a manner that we do not allow ourselves in our waking life.

To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of
yourself or a particular relationship. Dreams about various rooms often
relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your
personality.

To see a dark, eerie or confining room, denotes that that you feel
trapped or repressed in a situation.

To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something
that is part of you.

Reference : http://www.dreammoods.com

My current little disturbing dream... lasted from 5:45 to 6:01

I saw my room in real time, as it was ... down to thebackground sounds, are verified as what was being heard at the time. I was on my bed, thinking about my friends who were not in Male' and what they were doing... I felt something cold against my back, I thought it was the pillow and me sweating... I moved forward... so did this 'thing' whatever that was causing the cold touch... I turned around... I saw a beautiful baby... I stared... then I realised it was dead. I couldn't move, got rooted to the spot... heard this tapping noise...

Then woke up... the tapping noise was coming from outside... and soon stopped... I wasn't totally asleep and was hearing it maybe... I don't know. Really freaked me out... Still is.

I'm not very supersitious but that whole thing is a bad vision I can't forget and is really creeping me out. Hehe... silly little girl can't handle sleeping alone in a big big room... :/

Girl Talk

~Thom's Lil Boy Band ~

Lead singer ... Puckish

Lead guitarist is... *DT*
(also possible Mureed/HP/Japanmas/"Familytime")

Rhythm guitarist is...Rukey

Bassist is... Buppatu

Drummer is... Nikkoh/Baraboa

~Finihaka's Lil Boy Band~

Lead singer is... Muranga tholhu

Lead guitarist is.. Harry Potter (what a coincidence! :P)

Rhythm guitarist is... 'dhon jowke'

Bassist is... [SEARCHING, POSITION AVAILABLE]

Drummer is.. Toh toh, of COURSE!

~Summary of our love life~
Watch one tree hill.. one of us is Brook, and that's all I gotta say :P LOL

The many sides of Me...

Thom... as Sir (or Lady rather...) Jean Bob... neyngey, size olhigen ulheythee kanneinge... (blll)



Thom... as a gumball... a mere blip on the surface of earth... an existence which is more or less un-necessary... among millions possibly a nuisance to the rest... getting stuck in every messy situation that can possibly be.



Thom... as Kermit... one of those annoying little voices you want to SHUDDAWP. Because they talk too much, and nothing of value ever comes out.



Thom... as a Chocolate Geri... because I exist for your amusement, no?

~ROFLMAO~

No more promises...

I know, just as well you do, that you should never expect anything in life...
Don't trust anyone... don't hope for anything... but it can never be my mantra... because I believe in you, and I believe in life, I believe in us... and I believe that tomorrow can be better than today.
No matter how much I want to I don't hate you. That's exactly what bothers me. That I can't hate you.
Maybe it's because I've been through the same shit, maybe it's because I can see life through your eyes (or I fool myself into thinking I do) or maybe I just have too much empathy flowing through me (yeah, right)...
So why don't you make life easier for me and stop making promises... stop giving me dreams... stop painting those pictures of how life could be... because, I'm foolish... I'm naive... I'm a hopeless case... and I believe you... I want to...
Everyone in my life lets me down... maybe I let them down, and I'm just getting my just desserts... I don't know... Yes, I keep beating myself up about it. What else can I do? I can't blame you, now you've proven that you're no part of my life, and can never be...
I'm so sorry... I'm sorry for whatever it is I've done... please God.. if there is one... I can't keep up pretences... the way everyone else does...
Everytime the curtains open, I see the drama for what is... oscar worthy acting, and not a hint of genuine emotion... you didn't love me, they didn't either... you don't care... and you don't respect me... so don't waste any more empty words and phrases on me... because I don't want to hear what you don't mean.
It takes a crisis for me to realise that it's only me that I have. You will never see me crying, and you won't hear me begging... I will never ask. It's not pride either, it's just that I would rather have the people who claim to know me so well, to see the tears behind my laughter, and notice that my eyes don't sparkle anymore.
If you can't see a mask... you don't know me... if you don't know me... then we are strangers... and strangers need not give each other the time of day...
Stop promising what you can't deliver. Don't torture me with dreams that will never come true. Mentally, physically, metaphorically...whatever... I know now I meant nothing to you, and I probably never will. To any one of you. To any one.
Doesn't really come as a suprise... just a minor disappointment... am 'heartless' after all.. void of feeling... numb even... stabbed so many times, I don't notice the pouring blood anymore, and the wound doesn't even sting... it's just ... there...

* disclaimer : not meant for a particular person, more like many people... and it's not about just one thing either... like I said, you probably won't realise who you are...if infact you read my blog... and it's not meant as an attack either *

Ill

There are several ways of being Ill.

Ill... as in throwing up/shivering/shaking/frequent visits to loo/blood pouring around etc other various physically visible thingies... *barf barf*
Ill... as in sick of you :P *giggle. OK, lame attempt at jow-king *
Ill... as in inability to breathe normally/pulse fluctuations/dizziness/fatigu etc other not so visible symptoms *boa is going round and round clockwise... right in leftah... oops... is that clockwise?*
Ill... as in fucked up mentally/hyperactive/totally inactive/delirious *high 0_O*/depressed *sigh*

What if I am all of the above ----> ?

Dheno?
Kobaa diagnosis?
Fatal?????!!!!
*me stops to think, then resumes feeling 'Ill'*

Kokie dudnt laikie being shickie

Outburst!

Sorry! I had to say it! I don't mean to be rude or abrupt...
But...
I think Joe Satriani is a genius.
:)
I don't care what you think either.
*giggles*
Ooooh. SUCH a rebel. [lmao]

And, AND AND!!! AND, I think he is cool.
Adios.
[puts on RayBan aviators and sucks on a cigar, looking seriously rock-chick cool/tuff, then picks out cigar, blows out the smoke... cocks and eye brow, scowls... you don't wanna know wat's cookin :P style .... and then, at the climax, sticks out her tongue!!!!]
[rofl]

Thoughtu purocessu

I did a little self evalutating YET AGAIN... I watched 3 fucking movies man... I was so brain dead I had to do some shit to make sure it was still functioning... however... I still cannot be sure it is doing so properly...or for that matter if it ever did *chuckles*

'Flashback to warm nights... almost left behind... suitcase... of memories... time after some times... you picture me and I'm walking too far ahead...you're calling to me... and I can't hear what you said... and you said go slow...'

I know, I'm being repetitive now. Same song twice... theme song these days you know. I'm looking back and feeling okay about things... you know what that means don't you? Naaah no you don't you dumb ass!! (yeah I know I know, look who's retarded...I'm talking to an imaginary being. Talking...writing... whatever...) Well, in any fucking case... it means, that I think life is better now... and that my ghostly friend... is a bad thing.
A very bad thing. Because everytime life seems worth it, the journey seems to have proved its worth... is when it tips over. Friday the 13th was when I was born baby... after around 2 decades... it makes me an expert on bad luck. So :P [blll] if you were about to attempt to re-fucking-assure me.
I feel optimistic and that itself scares the crap outta me...

'I don't want to let go... I just need you to know...I don't wanna run away, baby... you're the one I need tonight. No promises. Now I need to hold you tonight. I just wanna die in your arms...here tonight. ' --> I have not turned into an unrecognisable brand of sappiness... :P it's a nice song owkaaaiy? Gerroffff my case :>

I look back at what I've done and all I can do is take a deep breath and wish it was different. Tonight I don't feel like giving shit about how it doesn't matter and I don't regret it because it made me a better person... I do regret what I've done...
It's like going through and album of good memories, tinged with bad endings... things I brought on myself, hurting other people, and I was too self involved to realise that what I did had consequences... Or maybe I did and I didn't care... I don't know really...
So all the times that I've trusted, let my guard down, been used and shattered to pieces? It's all okay... It's all justified. I deserved it. And I accept it. Thank you, actually... for making me realise what I have done wrong. Thanks for showing me that although you can live with cheating on your girlfriend, and making me love you beyond whatever I saw...coz I could never do that... and I will never ever let that happen to me again either. (I know, that attack was uncalled for. :P See if I care)
You know, whether I am in a relationship or not... whether I have a boyfriend or not... my life is really very okay now :) so people should stop *HINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!* questionin/quering/pressuring/invading into the topic. Subject area is not under discussion, thanks very much. Move along. 0:>
Oooh oooh...saw a cool pm just now ... 'the severity of the itch is intensly proportional to the ability to scratch it'.... how smart izzat? [very!]... nothing else particularly amusing though... one is very pretty 'silver horses...ran down moonbeams... in your dark eyes' cute la? [very very]
You know.... I go to parties and stuff and I notice I know a lot of people... because of my notorious EX-habits... (I am not talking abt criminal activity so CALM down puleeez) ... but at such a young age yet... I feel like the party girl in me is dying... strange dho? I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing...or even a permenant thing... but ... :)
One of my friends did the sweetest thing yesterday... said something... made me feel good... like life has some good to it...
So before I go back to cynicism (god forbid! :P) I'm gonna gloat a little, feel good, and fly high in the sky... :)

I don't know how a lil 2 min quiz can tell me about my life.. but hell, I gave it a shot ;)

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Never Date a Cancer

Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches. And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return. Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

LMAO

Bad days. I have made an even bigger muck up trying to upgrade to bloggerbeta. Sigh!! :)~

Wish You A Better Day

Why do I blog when I'm upset? I don't know. Maybe anger inspires me.
It inspires a lot of people. Painters, writers... revolutionaries... heck, why not me?
I don't understand though...

How someone I love so much can just take all her frustrations out on me, when I know her, I understand her... and I love her so much. How every time something upsets her she can drag out the last 30 years into the conversation, not to mention distant long lost relations and... of course... 'her rival family'. After 4 years you'd think everyone would get over it. But no...
Maybe I am doing things wrong, yes she is the only one alive who can make me loose my temper like that... but she is also one person I would do anything for. How can she forget everything... I don't think she knows howq much it hurts me when she just concludes another of her tirades with ' I know you don't care about me' ... after all I've been through because of her (yes! because of her!) how can she say that to me... I'm not perfrect...neither is she.. all I want is for her to listen to me like she does everyone else.. .be that understanding with me too...
I guess I deserve it...for letting her down... to do what I feel is right for me... I don't regret it though I do wish everything happened differently...
Ironically, SHE always said that her 'female rival' would be responsible for cutting me away from family... but it seems that that destructive force is coming from where she is... I feel like an intruder on some happy home...

Oh I don't know...

Have you had one perfect thing but everything else went just horribly wrong? Yeah... you give a lot up to have this thing..but it feels like it slipping away... infront of you... and you don't know how stop it from disappearing for always...

Ever had the past haunting you? Something you think you were over... coming back to remind you.. how incredibly naive and stupid you were? Rubbing into your heart like salt on wonds... how you were used... how you were played... I don't know if he wants me to hate him... because thats not whats happening.. I just end up hating myself. Hating the world... hating feeling anything... because I can't trust anyone... not even myself... and I can't control anything... even my own emotions...

Will people stop making bloody assumptions and accusations about me? I am not rich. Hello the last person who said that to me had a studio in his house, and in his room--> a full equipped pc, fridge, large size tv, drumkit and guitars and amps by the dozen. Forgive me if I think it's all very unfair. I don't even have a PC. His justification is that I travel. So could he if he sold his damn fridge. And the fact that I am not a dumb blone does NOT, NOT, NOT root from my educational apportunities. If you don't believe me fucking go to UK and see how many idiots you find. Maldivians ones even, THERE ARE PLENTY. I hate these attacks.. I haet it, I hate it... I hate my life! If I could change just my last fucking name life would be so easy. You know I hated it to see my Dad lose his dream... but at the same time it was what I desperately wished for. Coz I have had enough of being judged by his name. I am my own person. Bitch or not.

[CENSORED] says:
dont say such things to urself you may have been a bitch but you are all changed now

Thank you very much for the kind words. :/ Fuck you.

'You said go slow, I fall behind... the second hand unwinds... if your lost and you look, you'll find me...time after time... if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting... time after time'

I'm falling... and I end up crashing... I'm waiting, and all I find is... wasted time...

I haven't blogged coz I been cuntry hopping again.. back and forth from Malay and Thailand... I now am starting to hate, hate aeroplanes.

Only happy thing I've seen all day ->
http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/8572800.swf

Hope it makes you smile... cheerios.