Don’t cry to me if all you’re going to do is pull away.
Don’t tell me you love me just to leave me the next day.
Don’t treat me like my feelings don’t matter.
Don’t insult my intelligence by making promises you couldn’t adhere to if you tried. Don’t pretend to give me your heart if it’s empty.....
Just leave me alone....
Wait, don’t go....
Perfect Imperfection
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I don’t know what people see when they look at me, but I remember even as a child always wondering what I look like to them. I don’t know what they hear when they listen to me, but I’ve often wished I could hear their thoughts. I’ve wondered what someone felt when they touched me, but I suppose in that department all you can really do is hope for the best.
I’m not sure whether it’s ironically funny or simply tragic that the times in which I have actually glimpsed into these thoughts, images and feelings that I typically end up wishing I could go back to being clueless. Suffice to say it adds to the already mounting evidence at least with respect to my life, indicating that ignorance truly is bliss.
So what does it mean when the people you perceive to know you the best disappoint you, hurt you or worse, leave you? You could argue their faults and the cracks you’ve seen in their souls but simple, pure logic and practicality would point to the one true possibility. That the true flaw lies in you.
I’m not sure whether it’s ironically funny or simply tragic that the times in which I have actually glimpsed into these thoughts, images and feelings that I typically end up wishing I could go back to being clueless. Suffice to say it adds to the already mounting evidence at least with respect to my life, indicating that ignorance truly is bliss.
So what does it mean when the people you perceive to know you the best disappoint you, hurt you or worse, leave you? You could argue their faults and the cracks you’ve seen in their souls but simple, pure logic and practicality would point to the one true possibility. That the true flaw lies in you.
When the fury takes reign...
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Everybody thinks they know what’s best for me all the fucking time.
I should be grateful so many people actually care about me. Supposedly.
I should be happy that I’m not with some one who argues with me and tells me I’m wrong. Apparently.
But the truth is my chest hurts so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. Despite what you may think, for better or for worse, separating or attempting to do so from someone you loved deeply for a long time is incredibly difficult.
I’ve made terrible decisions in my life, I know, but I’ve seen a lot more and a lot worse than most of the people who claim to be giving me advice. So spare me the lectures and be prepared to respect what ever the hell I choose to do, whether you like it or not, whether it benefits you or not, if you care about me as much as you claim to.
Granted what people say to me often has the grain of truth but most are blind to the big picture.
People have so much prejudice and so many preconceived notions about life and other people they have trouble even beginning to understand why I make the decisions I do.
First I thought it was simply me being stupid, me being a victim and being lost but the truth is, although I needed the break and space the reasons for my doubt is not any of the above.
Dammit, I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am stubborn, hard assed and unforgiving. I’m a bitch and I’m sensitive. I’m so far from perfect, have contradicting aspects to my personality but for the most part I know who I am and what I want from my life. I certainly know what I don’t want.
People think that I make mistakes because I’m weak and stupid, sometimes they say that I simply follow someone else’s opinion but that’s not always the case. I’ve never had much use for certain sentimentalities and I’ve associated with people for my benefits for example I have spent time around people who do not intimidate me because I needed not to be challenged. Sometimes I’ve been around people who I see as my equals because I needed insight. It’s actually not as evil or unusual as it seems, we all do it though we don’t admit it.
Coming back to my point, I made a decision recently and I am sick of people either offering sympathy or congratulations. I don’t need or want any ones pity especially for a task I undertook for my own sake.
I find congratulations downright insulting. How dare you say it’s for the best? How dare you say he wasn’t worth it? I was with someone for two years – that is incredibly insulting to my judgement and principles. He was worth it. Just because I need time off is not for any one else to judge who he is… he is and was a wonderful guy. He is intelligent and capable – to everyone who is comparing him and making judgements - fuck off.
Only he and I know what happened in our relationship. Only we are allowed to make judgements. We had ups and downs – screw everyone who says they are “so happy” … if you are happy all the time you stepford fuckers, you are clearly not in a relationship. Granted we had a lot of downs, but we are very, very different people. Reaching a breaking point is not unimaginable or for that matter, unexpected.
Someone once told me I chose men as projects to fix… perhaps… perhaps they are often very flawed to the outside world. Usually they don’t have expensive cars, or unblemished pasts… I’ve never dated anyone from an aristocratic (for lack of a better word) family. I’ve been judged because of the people I’ve been with. Frankly I don’t care… I really don’t. It’s having a good heart, and caring about me that I was looking for.
I refuse to be judged for dating a certain number of people or a certain “type”. I have cared for and been cared about and if it doesn’t work in the long run then that’s fine. I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m sure – and I naturally gravitate to people who are as defined or independent or individualistic. And those are not necessarily the same trait. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that situations like these aren’t the easiest to follow through…
I will make my own decisions and as they say unless you have something nice to say, keep your trap shut. I do appreciate that some people have held the worst of their opinions to themselves and have just reassured me that they would be behind me whatever I did and offered advice to whatever scenario I was considering at the time. You are entitled to your opinions; you are not required to express them.
And please be as respectful to the other party as you are trying (apparently) to be to me. Whether or not the other party insults me or disagrees with me, or contacts me is my problem, and I expect any one claiming to be on my side (what the fuck is a “side” anyway?) to appreciate my philosophy on these matters.
My relationship, my breakup, my ex or whatever… my decision… whether it is to remain so or reinstate matters… Pressure is all on me, that’s fine.
Nevertheless… I have no yearning to be married… I’m young and have a lifetime (Insha Allah) ahead and thus I do not think that waiting, watching, searching, uniting, and reuniting are in any way a bad thing. If certain people do not approve of my decisions… then fine, screw you.
This is my life I’m leading and I sure as hell aint stopping to please you.
I should be grateful so many people actually care about me. Supposedly.
I should be happy that I’m not with some one who argues with me and tells me I’m wrong. Apparently.
But the truth is my chest hurts so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. Despite what you may think, for better or for worse, separating or attempting to do so from someone you loved deeply for a long time is incredibly difficult.
I’ve made terrible decisions in my life, I know, but I’ve seen a lot more and a lot worse than most of the people who claim to be giving me advice. So spare me the lectures and be prepared to respect what ever the hell I choose to do, whether you like it or not, whether it benefits you or not, if you care about me as much as you claim to.
Granted what people say to me often has the grain of truth but most are blind to the big picture.
People have so much prejudice and so many preconceived notions about life and other people they have trouble even beginning to understand why I make the decisions I do.
First I thought it was simply me being stupid, me being a victim and being lost but the truth is, although I needed the break and space the reasons for my doubt is not any of the above.
Dammit, I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am stubborn, hard assed and unforgiving. I’m a bitch and I’m sensitive. I’m so far from perfect, have contradicting aspects to my personality but for the most part I know who I am and what I want from my life. I certainly know what I don’t want.
People think that I make mistakes because I’m weak and stupid, sometimes they say that I simply follow someone else’s opinion but that’s not always the case. I’ve never had much use for certain sentimentalities and I’ve associated with people for my benefits for example I have spent time around people who do not intimidate me because I needed not to be challenged. Sometimes I’ve been around people who I see as my equals because I needed insight. It’s actually not as evil or unusual as it seems, we all do it though we don’t admit it.
Coming back to my point, I made a decision recently and I am sick of people either offering sympathy or congratulations. I don’t need or want any ones pity especially for a task I undertook for my own sake.
I find congratulations downright insulting. How dare you say it’s for the best? How dare you say he wasn’t worth it? I was with someone for two years – that is incredibly insulting to my judgement and principles. He was worth it. Just because I need time off is not for any one else to judge who he is… he is and was a wonderful guy. He is intelligent and capable – to everyone who is comparing him and making judgements - fuck off.
Only he and I know what happened in our relationship. Only we are allowed to make judgements. We had ups and downs – screw everyone who says they are “so happy” … if you are happy all the time you stepford fuckers, you are clearly not in a relationship. Granted we had a lot of downs, but we are very, very different people. Reaching a breaking point is not unimaginable or for that matter, unexpected.
Someone once told me I chose men as projects to fix… perhaps… perhaps they are often very flawed to the outside world. Usually they don’t have expensive cars, or unblemished pasts… I’ve never dated anyone from an aristocratic (for lack of a better word) family. I’ve been judged because of the people I’ve been with. Frankly I don’t care… I really don’t. It’s having a good heart, and caring about me that I was looking for.
I refuse to be judged for dating a certain number of people or a certain “type”. I have cared for and been cared about and if it doesn’t work in the long run then that’s fine. I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m sure – and I naturally gravitate to people who are as defined or independent or individualistic. And those are not necessarily the same trait. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that situations like these aren’t the easiest to follow through…
I will make my own decisions and as they say unless you have something nice to say, keep your trap shut. I do appreciate that some people have held the worst of their opinions to themselves and have just reassured me that they would be behind me whatever I did and offered advice to whatever scenario I was considering at the time. You are entitled to your opinions; you are not required to express them.
And please be as respectful to the other party as you are trying (apparently) to be to me. Whether or not the other party insults me or disagrees with me, or contacts me is my problem, and I expect any one claiming to be on my side (what the fuck is a “side” anyway?) to appreciate my philosophy on these matters.
My relationship, my breakup, my ex or whatever… my decision… whether it is to remain so or reinstate matters… Pressure is all on me, that’s fine.
Nevertheless… I have no yearning to be married… I’m young and have a lifetime (Insha Allah) ahead and thus I do not think that waiting, watching, searching, uniting, and reuniting are in any way a bad thing. If certain people do not approve of my decisions… then fine, screw you.
This is my life I’m leading and I sure as hell aint stopping to please you.
Its been a long, long time... and I've missed you...
|
Ola, by-now-non existent-readers... como estas?
It's been a long time since I've indulged in a little blogging... truth be told I havent missed the blogosphere much... when I was last here, it was getting polluted with all sorts of new energies... mostly negative sorts that were so pissy with each other and I don't know... it wasn't such a great vibe...
And, I have been busy.. with real life... LOL ... I'm not big on social networking of any sort on cyberspace anymore... It used to be fun to share and read up on cool people... now its congested with a lot of lame things that I don't have the patience for.
Maybe I've out grown teenage agnst.. no more tantrums... no more passion.. no more heart wrenching pain over life in general... life's not improved by much if you ask me... the worlds still an evil place... I just dont give that much of a shit... nor am I (ever) suprised.
So why the fuck am I back here? Well, I have only two university classes per week now.. (yes yes, the miniscule but wonderous upgrades that come with age)... so I have a lot more free time... and I'm living alone now so... that adds to my boredom...
Any hoo... shout outs to my new addictions (yeah, you dont outgrow certain things) my lovely large HD flatscreen TV --- I LOVE YOU!! and watching TrueBlood is so awesome cause of it...
Si, *blush* I also am a sorry ass victim to the rising vampire rage (although honestly I've always had a big thing for vamps and supernatural shit in general) ... I think Rob Patterson is so hot, I have a strange desire for Robsten to happen (ie. for RobPatz and Kristin Stewart to admit they are dating) but I think Twilight is somewhat lame... (DONT KILL ME - you gotta admit... virgin for 200 years and sparkling vampires with no fangs is a little silly...but the author is mormon so no big shock there)
Musically 'Kings Of Leon' is dominating my playlist.. yes, I have been living under a rock and just discovered 'em...
And well... I'll probably post more often now... Adios!
It's been a long time since I've indulged in a little blogging... truth be told I havent missed the blogosphere much... when I was last here, it was getting polluted with all sorts of new energies... mostly negative sorts that were so pissy with each other and I don't know... it wasn't such a great vibe...
And, I have been busy.. with real life... LOL ... I'm not big on social networking of any sort on cyberspace anymore... It used to be fun to share and read up on cool people... now its congested with a lot of lame things that I don't have the patience for.
Maybe I've out grown teenage agnst.. no more tantrums... no more passion.. no more heart wrenching pain over life in general... life's not improved by much if you ask me... the worlds still an evil place... I just dont give that much of a shit... nor am I (ever) suprised.
So why the fuck am I back here? Well, I have only two university classes per week now.. (yes yes, the miniscule but wonderous upgrades that come with age)... so I have a lot more free time... and I'm living alone now so... that adds to my boredom...
Any hoo... shout outs to my new addictions (yeah, you dont outgrow certain things) my lovely large HD flatscreen TV --- I LOVE YOU!! and watching TrueBlood is so awesome cause of it...
Si, *blush* I also am a sorry ass victim to the rising vampire rage (although honestly I've always had a big thing for vamps and supernatural shit in general) ... I think Rob Patterson is so hot, I have a strange desire for Robsten to happen (ie. for RobPatz and Kristin Stewart to admit they are dating) but I think Twilight is somewhat lame... (DONT KILL ME - you gotta admit... virgin for 200 years and sparkling vampires with no fangs is a little silly...but the author is mormon so no big shock there)
Musically 'Kings Of Leon' is dominating my playlist.. yes, I have been living under a rock and just discovered 'em...
And well... I'll probably post more often now... Adios!
At Gunpoint...
|
So, all thanks to my zany cousin and her finger gun poking into the side of my head - combined with the powers of incredible boredom.... I just got to thinking, if some freaky dude held a 10mm pistol to my head and asked me to blog... (lol, assuming there was someone who wanted to read my blog that bad - HEY!, my imagination here!)
Sigh... so what the fuck would I write. LOL... the feeling of cold metal against my forehead... despite the coolness, I felt heat gathering up to the round empty space, like all the warmth in my body had generated to that very spot, through which a sentence to death could be delivered...
I wonder if I would continue to write, or if I would succumb to the temptation of ending my life... ending all my problems, ending the complications I've caused to anyone else...
Maybe my last words would be apology, and asking for forgiveness, from everyone I've hurt... intentionally or not... would I be granted that forgiveness, or would they resent me, for not earning the right to be forgiven... for not living through the pain... or would they feel sorry for me for not having a choice? But I had one, didnt I?
Maybe I'd tell the people I loved, how much I cared about them... but if I truly loved them, would I have given in? Maybe I'd just write a whole load of crap, and get killed anyway... wouldn't that be a shame... I'd want my last words to be prolific in some way... or you know, atleast reflective of my views in life... some sort of depth...
What if your last words were a curse, or a pathetic plea for help... I'd kill myself if I wasnt dead already! Man.. :P ... seriously not the way you'd like to be remembered eh?
Then there's the other thing, say you end up being killed, yeah? Who will remember you? Did you affect anyones life so deeply that they rememeber you long after you are gone? Everyone feels an amount of pain and overwhelming sadness when someone close passes away, but we move on.. we learn to move on.. and we forget most of it ... how their laugh sounds... what made them scared...
Who'd come to your funeral... not out of obligation, or as a show to make a spectacle of themselves, but out of pure love, who would come to say goodbye... does a friend who holds a grudge come to touch your hand and let all the pain disappear... or do they simply treat it as they would any other day?
All we do know for sure is that we come into this world alone, and we leave this life as we came - alone... no lovers, no family, no friends, no posessions, no degrees or achievements... just our memories, who we've shaped to be, not physically, but internally, our souls...
But I wonder, is that all there is to it? To life, and death? Seems pointless to keep living if there is nothing to it... right?
I think if the last words I'd ever write or atleast under the threat of them being the last words I ever write would be... well clearly I cant completely emulate the situation, but they'd have to be something about living life to the fullest, living every moment to the maximum of what it could be, to love and keep loving boundlessly, to forgive and forget and move past because if my life, comes to the point where the last thing someone forces me to do is to write and publish a blog - clearly, I need to get a life. A real one.
As I here blog...
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Happy late new year peeps!
And, happy belated birthday to me...
Not that birthdays matter after you hit the two's...
:P
I'm not under some false presumption that there is any one out there actually anticipating this posting, but what the hell.... I've gone from over zealous plastic doll to anti social, UV deprived geek in the matter of a few years... and yes, this is what I'm contemplating on this fine day.
Just finished watching Veronica Mars - the marathon :P , season one, two to three... which is fantastic but honestly, listen to the message boards when they all bitch aboout the crappy ending of the finale (3rd season), I wasn't prepared for the weight of the disappointment. Still, I hear there are rumors about a movie this 2009, so hopefully my obsession can be peacefully laid to rest by then. But seriously, its witty ( I know all the box sets have this particular word outside but, honestly from someone who considers literature her primary passion in life - its great dialogue, smart and sharp - worth watching the whole thing although it does sort of disintegrate to the end...(by end I mean mid way third season) BAH! I need to learn how to deliver a concise message (NEW YEAR RESOLUTION - DONT BORE EVERYONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS CRAP!!!) - so in a nutshell, it's fab and catch it (Veronica Mars 1,2,3) if you can!
I'm about to begin Dexter, which is recommended by my childhood bestie, with whom flew to KL - by sheer twist of fate, after years of having no contact... and I'm hoping it (the series)wont disappoint...
In less interesting news... My new apartment is almost finished, I reconciled with a beloved aunt, and erm... my second chance at a Uni education (have ditched legal edu woes in pursuit of the more promising media career)... Am enjoying to no end annoying my cousin and aunt... but am secretly homesick for mummy... (what??? I have grown accustomed to her presence in my homeless period)
Am also seriously missing the charms of my chatterbox (yes, she does follow in the footsteps of, none other than, yours truly *cue for bow*)
[[ OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK FOR TODAY - I CAN HEAR THE BELLS / MIKE DOUGHT : Also one background to one of my fav scenes on Vmars series...]]
And, happy belated birthday to me...
Not that birthdays matter after you hit the two's...
:P
I'm not under some false presumption that there is any one out there actually anticipating this posting, but what the hell.... I've gone from over zealous plastic doll to anti social, UV deprived geek in the matter of a few years... and yes, this is what I'm contemplating on this fine day.
Just finished watching Veronica Mars - the marathon :P , season one, two to three... which is fantastic but honestly, listen to the message boards when they all bitch aboout the crappy ending of the finale (3rd season), I wasn't prepared for the weight of the disappointment. Still, I hear there are rumors about a movie this 2009, so hopefully my obsession can be peacefully laid to rest by then. But seriously, its witty ( I know all the box sets have this particular word outside but, honestly from someone who considers literature her primary passion in life - its great dialogue, smart and sharp - worth watching the whole thing although it does sort of disintegrate to the end...(by end I mean mid way third season) BAH! I need to learn how to deliver a concise message (NEW YEAR RESOLUTION - DONT BORE EVERYONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS CRAP!!!) - so in a nutshell, it's fab and catch it (Veronica Mars 1,2,3) if you can!
I'm about to begin Dexter, which is recommended by my childhood bestie, with whom flew to KL - by sheer twist of fate, after years of having no contact... and I'm hoping it (the series)wont disappoint...
In less interesting news... My new apartment is almost finished, I reconciled with a beloved aunt, and erm... my second chance at a Uni education (have ditched legal edu woes in pursuit of the more promising media career)... Am enjoying to no end annoying my cousin and aunt... but am secretly homesick for mummy... (what??? I have grown accustomed to her presence in my homeless period)
Am also seriously missing the charms of my chatterbox (yes, she does follow in the footsteps of, none other than, yours truly *cue for bow*)
[[ OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK FOR TODAY - I CAN HEAR THE BELLS / MIKE DOUGHT : Also one background to one of my fav scenes on Vmars series...]]
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