The Problem With My Blog

I know why I haven't really been blogging. Lots of people who matter to me know that this is my blog now... they can access my feelings and thoughts... I suppose in 2005, when I started blogging, and when I was much younger and such – well then, it didn't seem like too much of a big deal. My blog served as my space to justify my actions, explain myself... try to discover more, but exploring depths...

I'm older, not that much wiser, but life has changed nevertheless. Now I write and I feel myself withdrawing from my own writing... I don't want to express my innermost thoughts... so I scrape at the surfaces, with silly thoughts and problems... I feel no need to justify or express myself... my thoughts are more private, and my hopes and dreams... feels like I'm almost jinxing them if I talk about them here...

To me my blog has always been a very personal thing, close to my heart ...somehow it's become something I just maintain for the sake of it... a contradiction of sorts.

Maybe it's high time I stopped blogging. I don't know. I'm seriously thinking about it. I'm not the type of person who can simply write about an Iphone or storybook... I like to talk about thoughts and experiences and if I no longer feel comfortable doing that, perhaps my blog has outlived its usefulness... I'm going to try just sticking to stories... or something...

And I’ve been thinking...

First off, I apologise to no one and every one in general on the succession of sappy, cheesy, love sick blogs I've been posting lately.. and well... mostly..

I'm sorry, but I got to write what's been buzzing in my head right?

Anyway, I got to thinking, after an intense convo with one of my most beloved girlfriends... (yeah, that does serve as a warning about the content to follow.. press the X button while you can:P)

I got to thinking... about what a sucker I am for epic love stories... and I've said this before.. and I don't mean like a pathetic mills and boons novel..

(How does one call that garbage of literature a novel I don't know, it breaks my heart every single time)

Not like a tween flick (think Twilight : Yeah, NOT that)... Or any sappy, cheesy nonsense movie on sale... in theatres...

But classic, epic love stories, especially those that are true and told by one or two of the main protagonists... I'm a complete sucker for those...

I beg happy couples for their stories: how did they meet, how did they fall in love, what happened next...

Anyway, mid convo discussing an old story, you know what strikes me?

That I've never been part of one, not even a high school one....

It's like everyone I know (practically) has had that epic off and on romance where even afterwards people refer to them as 'Oh you mean A's B?' Or like 'Sure I know him, you mean B's A, right?'

Get me? On and off, with a shitload of drama and serious FEELINGS and major heartbreak.... passionate... and kinda crazy...

Even if they eventually end up marrying someone else... everyone has one of these stories... where there is a tragic (or not) huge romance...

And it occurs to me... I'm THAT girl... I'm the one everyone has before or after they meet this person... the transition girl...

How sad is that yea? Ironic in a sort of awful way too... I have enough and more tiny tragedies.... but romance? Not so much.

But hey, I guess at some level I ask for it... I have this thing for damaged goods :P I've been told my strength in writing lies in stories that follow this vein too...

There is no real point to this post... just a little obsession I'm having... crazy couples, and crazy stories, crazy feelings and awesome memories... they say you need to really live life to write about it... ;)

I guess I've sort of been trying that out... I guess we'll see where it ends... If I don't fall back into the pressures of a normal life;)

Welcome To My Pity Party. VIP’s Only!

I'm a bitch, I know .

I can't help it.

I know it was atleast 90% my own doing and my choice and all that, and I do realise we had some very real issues that were never going away and that in the long run it was the right thing to do.

I know that.

I don't regret it, I really don't and I would do it again.

BUT…

I really hate that it took him less than three months to forget about around 2 years of memories.

I hate that it was so easy to move on.

I hate that he does it so well.

More than that, I hate that he's happy.

Nah, I want him to be happy. Really I do. I just… wish it wasn't so fast and so simple for him.

Or I wish it was easier and simpler for me.

Meanwhile I'm stuck here, somewhere between the end, and stepping forward to a beginning.

I'm stuck in a rut… and I really wish I weren't.

Add to the beginning: I'm pathetic, I know.

*crumples up imaginary piece of paper with this written and chucks it into the dustbin*

Nah, life's not all bad. In fact its better than its been in weeks. I'm content, I have time for family which is great, I have the best friends in the world and I have mended ties with a lot of them.

I'm taking a holiday this week to a place I haven't been to yet, and it's by myself and I'm meeting some friends I adore.

So yeah. All's well… I just have my moments, you know? When just for a second, you stumble on to the facebook page that you dread. And for a second .. or as long as it took to write this piece of garbage…

I indulge in feeling a little sorry for myself. And wishing life was just lacking in emotions in general.

It's also a sorry attempt to return to blogging A-gain! :P But anyway.. for those of you who haven't heard about it yet, I thought Clash of Titans wasn't great but far more entertaining than Alice In Wonderland which somehow saw the sorrier points of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton's careers… and Date Night is the funniest movie thus far this year. And that's my two cents.

Adieu ;)