So, I made a few boo boo's. I'm paying for it in huge amounts... Me got hurt, me ge freedom athulaifi. Me is... in quite a bad position really.
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!
Easier Said Than Done
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At first I thought that 18th was the worst night I’ve had in a long, long time.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
Ironies. Follies. And Stupidity.
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Kinda all goes hand in hand...
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
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Back in Male’… ‘sin city’… where the worst crime is trusting someone…
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
The Confessions Of A *B*I*T*C*H*
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Of all the guys I dated... or had flings with....
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
Just A Depressing...
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Ever felt like you've run out of tears?
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
In response
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Big brother ga national TV ga handaathan broad cast kuraa aathun kithanmehaa ves sicku... ekamu eyah vuren maa sad e alhuvaigen gavaaidhun balaa ulhey lhain...
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
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