Is everyone just fooling me, and shit?
Is this life or am I in a MATRIX?
Hathahaaves - SUVAALU
My mirror...it broke...
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Reflect you say? Fuck it, it just messes me up man, big time...
If only I could turn back time... say what I still hide...
What good would it do really, the more I think about it - our fate is final, more or less what would have happened anyway.
'What if' is an infection that grows within you and the more you question, the more vulnerable you are, the easier you break down.
So let the past lie...
And history repeat itself?
Contradictions exist in every part of our lives...
I am in a relationship with someone I barely know, for reasons I cannot comprehend and it is clear to me that the emotions I project to him exist merely on the surface, none of this is real... it is not a relationship and it is pointless, and there is absolutely no future in it. I guess even in pretense it's the idea of being loved and thought of that I cannot seem to let go of. Why am I fooling myself?
What in this life IS real?
Are the friendships I maintain, and new ones I develop, worth any effort? Have bitter experiences soured my judgement? Is any thing forever?
Why do all these questions still haunt me...will I ever find contentment?
Is anything I do in life ever going to be worth anything? Is all the love I feel for all the people in my life (I'm not into roses and shit, I'm not into flowery phrases and blank verses of compliments but I try to show in other less poetic ways) appreciated?
Is there a reason to live every new day? When I'm just a speck in 6 billion? Then again, do I need to be significant?
If only I could turn back time... say what I still hide...
What good would it do really, the more I think about it - our fate is final, more or less what would have happened anyway.
'What if' is an infection that grows within you and the more you question, the more vulnerable you are, the easier you break down.
So let the past lie...
And history repeat itself?
Contradictions exist in every part of our lives...
I am in a relationship with someone I barely know, for reasons I cannot comprehend and it is clear to me that the emotions I project to him exist merely on the surface, none of this is real... it is not a relationship and it is pointless, and there is absolutely no future in it. I guess even in pretense it's the idea of being loved and thought of that I cannot seem to let go of. Why am I fooling myself?
What in this life IS real?
Are the friendships I maintain, and new ones I develop, worth any effort? Have bitter experiences soured my judgement? Is any thing forever?
Why do all these questions still haunt me...will I ever find contentment?
Is anything I do in life ever going to be worth anything? Is all the love I feel for all the people in my life (I'm not into roses and shit, I'm not into flowery phrases and blank verses of compliments but I try to show in other less poetic ways) appreciated?
Is there a reason to live every new day? When I'm just a speck in 6 billion? Then again, do I need to be significant?
Off the top of my head, right before I doze off.
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Arey, mein India nehi hoon! GRRRRRR…
I was *ahem* approached by this bohote hot guy who’s half Indian half Brit yeah, and he happens to ask the one question I hate most!
‘Indian or Pakistani?’
‘NEHI. Maldivian hoon!’
Balaa eh sahaadheh mi bunee…
It’s nice to be settling down in Bristol, meeting Bristolians and socialising… getting to know the place and where to go and what not. Still, I long to be on home ground, on the islands I grew up in and despite the screwed up life, I had learned to love so tenderly. Corny (by god!) and melodramatic too but yeah if you’ve lived away from your family abroad in a foreign land you know what I’m talking about.
What you cannot have, you desire even more – you know? You realise what you have, once you’ve lost it. Snow’s pretty but doesn’t take you very long to get sick of it and I have never and will never get enough of the sand and the sun.
Besides partying to celebrate Arl becoming ‘legal’ and an ‘adult’…and though I got to miss half my classes with one meeting and another (watched Chaucer in Stratford’s mightily posh theatre – magnificently hilarious, I was pissing myself!), the weeks been not too great. This will sound rather shallow and shit but the thing is the guy in my life just became more important kulli akah neyngi hutta…I’m falling or have fallen, not too sure…
He chooses to ignore me, and I have a challenge fetish so it draws me closer and tighter. Pretty smart tactic if you think about it, but I have a feeling long distance is wearing him out (poor lad) and the ignoring me bit is somewhat intentional. Anehhen we haven’t had the time to bond and love before separation to two continents so…it’s hard. It’s hard anyways but this complicates matters further. Back to the point, I’m in this godforsaken country freezing my arse off dreaming of days when we’ll meet; planning romantic escapades to deserted islands (quite possible if you have cool parents and live in Maldives), just a coffee and chill, candle light dinners at home, introducing him to my wacko family and their slightly eccentric ways, just spending quality time together basically.
I had doubts from the beginning; after all it seemed too good to be true. So I played cool and fun, no expectations – nothing. Thing is I actually want this now but hithu therey ingey that I was right then and I am right at present too. HALP.
‘Mera ek sapna hain
Ki dheko thuje sapno main
Thumaane naamaanai
Hai thuhi mere apno main
Ho dhadkan sa chalta hain
Ye kaisa rishta hain’
(My OLD favie by : Kumar Sanu – And before anyone starts prattling about how crappy Hindi music is and how katu it is to listen to it, there is nothing wrong with listening to Indian music, it’s music and an art! Ehenya, ehen kiyaa ulhey aalaathun listen to Rasta, Spanish or German e.g. Rammstein, so I would like to put forward an argument about how this becomes inferior because Indian culture is surely far richer and more long lived!)
S.O.W. (the abbreviation is - speaking of which, not the cow my dears) I found two other classics I used to boogie my ass off to when I was around say, 2 – Achy Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus), Informer (Snow) and Lambada (Samba)! Sudden thought : magey dharieh eh bodu vaanee Eheelun kahai etchehi adu ahamun dho :D
Shake Banana
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The biggest complaint on campus definitely is having to wake up and drag ourselves across the greens to the Dining Hall in the freezing cold. We barely if ever manage to make it there before 8:05 for registration and almost always end up having to register at 7:30 as punishment. This leaves us with less than 20 minutes for brekkie in any case and to avoid our tums interrupting class with embarassing rumbling noises and to avoid utter starvation we have developed the art of banana thieving from the cafeteria so ravage back in our rooms as we rummage around for our books, files etc in preparation to class.
The three most common methods of stealing fruit (banana being the favourite by far) are for one, slipping into the sleeve of your jumper/jacket/coat (might end up having a slightly disfigured elbow…ahem….) or into your hoodie or pocket. The other way to go about it is to let it hook over your shoulder/neck and cover up with a mane of hair. Last but not least is what I call the ‘Jordan’ technique and involves hooking a banana under your boobs or if apples and oranges, well you can guess where. I’m serious. People actually do this when very hungry. I know, how hungry could you be to be so desperate dho? I prefer waking up early – personally I cannot walk around with fruits clonking away in my clothes or worse, undies (I cannot begin to comprehend how absolutely unhygienic that is, simply ewwwww)!
Pleasantries aside, I’m quite sick of Coll now, and I can’t wait for ½ term, seems like it’s going to be pretty eventful ingey, but lets not count my chickies before they ‘wah wah’ or rather, ‘cluck cluck’ in this situation… (Random I know, but you ought to be used to this shit by now)
I decided another short (SHORT) list of what I want in a guy and boils down to; intelligent, witty, attractive, assertive, tough, ambitious... understanding, patient, honest, caring and somewhat protective.
Oh dear… I fear it still lacketh the essence of reality by a crumb or two. Fuck who cares, he’s MY dream man (mine, mine and only mine - muahahahahahahaaaa)! And we all have the right to dream, haina?
Went to watch Canterbury Tales today, hee hee halaaku vi sahaadheh mi bunee, I was PISSING myself. A touch too crude maybe but hell, it was funny. So different from the last play I saw, which was a one man production called Private Peaceful. Me got to miss a day of school so that totally rocked. I’ll miss next Wednesday vess for a business project thing so it looks like a good week, this weekend we got a cool bday bash to look forward to as well. Hurray!
Ah…9 more days of nicking food and I can go home and eat in peace. *Whewww* Home is such a relative term ainnit? 6 months ago there’s no bloody way UK could be home.
The three most common methods of stealing fruit (banana being the favourite by far) are for one, slipping into the sleeve of your jumper/jacket/coat (might end up having a slightly disfigured elbow…ahem….) or into your hoodie or pocket. The other way to go about it is to let it hook over your shoulder/neck and cover up with a mane of hair. Last but not least is what I call the ‘Jordan’ technique and involves hooking a banana under your boobs or if apples and oranges, well you can guess where. I’m serious. People actually do this when very hungry. I know, how hungry could you be to be so desperate dho? I prefer waking up early – personally I cannot walk around with fruits clonking away in my clothes or worse, undies (I cannot begin to comprehend how absolutely unhygienic that is, simply ewwwww)!
Pleasantries aside, I’m quite sick of Coll now, and I can’t wait for ½ term, seems like it’s going to be pretty eventful ingey, but lets not count my chickies before they ‘wah wah’ or rather, ‘cluck cluck’ in this situation… (Random I know, but you ought to be used to this shit by now)
I decided another short (SHORT) list of what I want in a guy and boils down to; intelligent, witty, attractive, assertive, tough, ambitious... understanding, patient, honest, caring and somewhat protective.
Oh dear… I fear it still lacketh the essence of reality by a crumb or two. Fuck who cares, he’s MY dream man (mine, mine and only mine - muahahahahahahaaaa)! And we all have the right to dream, haina?
Went to watch Canterbury Tales today, hee hee halaaku vi sahaadheh mi bunee, I was PISSING myself. A touch too crude maybe but hell, it was funny. So different from the last play I saw, which was a one man production called Private Peaceful. Me got to miss a day of school so that totally rocked. I’ll miss next Wednesday vess for a business project thing so it looks like a good week, this weekend we got a cool bday bash to look forward to as well. Hurray!
Ah…9 more days of nicking food and I can go home and eat in peace. *Whewww* Home is such a relative term ainnit? 6 months ago there’s no bloody way UK could be home.
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