Life. Life. MORE LIFE.

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Everytime I think things go well, they go wrong. Everything I believe in just seems to turn on me... yeah, I know it's just the hurt in me talking but... at the moment I just feel so lost, so empty...
There are lots of things in life I regret... but there are some chances I took that I don't look back and cringe about, even though they ended up a bit messier than originally predicted. You are the choices you make after all...
I've sacrificed stuff and changed things around just to accomodate certain things into my life, and I don't regret it... I did so because I really wanted to ... and I treasure the memories you know? But whats meant to happen will, and of course, you can't have everything you want, so some things are bound to go very very wrong. Atleast I tried... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger na?
I hate letting family and friends down in the process though... hate myself for letting everything go out of control... God help me. Damn...
I just need to find that remote control button and start flipping the right buttons I guess... got stuff to switch, change and adjust... but I need to find the right remotes too... Here's me wishing me LUCK! LLLLUUUCCKK!
Oh where oh where can my remote be???
:'(

Masterpiece written in 2003 (and what a idiotic year that was :P !)

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Dear Apple of my retina,
My eyes are saturated with aqueous NaCl now that you have successfully managed to deterioraye my cardiac muscles. Your love oxidised me and rid my heart and soul of all negativity. Like a gamma ray, you penetrated my entire being... undeflected and unabsorbed...
You are my soul mate, a being just like me. Our bases are so similar, our powers ought to multiply. Be present, you're perfect (and don't be tense...)
I love you as long and as much as there are great balls of hydrogen undergoing fission to form/release helium in the sky. You make my hypothalamas and thyroid glands go wacko... my senses grow weak...
Your hair is reflected in the crow my brother just ran over. Your lips as red as the blood that flows from its dead and deceased - not to mention mutilated, carcass...
Whatever you heard about me babe, I swear it's like Manube said 'simply not true'... like that rapper-wannabe kid said 'masheh nun'. My promises liken Tony Blair, and George Bushes interviews... honest and sincere.
Oh it's obvious... like US got Saddam... you have captured me. You're like a drug; like a chemical compound that alters how my body usually functions - addictive with strong withdrawal symptoms. Like a cigarette your fumes, (specially when you economise on deo) empower and envelope me - I can hardly stay concious.
Zis adorrration zis iz le everrr-lastee-eeng! It shall fade when pigs evolve to fly... when NSS does something worthwhile, when Maldivians treat each other with respect/humanity and offer basic general privacy, when the sun and moon collide, when MDP finally does come to power, when Democracy brings peace!
Please realise...

- Your forsaken lover -
(do not try to locate me, it's like Osama... you know where to find me, but its better for all if you don't... bigger profits too!)

Do not ask me what possessed me to write such utter bullshit. This is just me years ago, so I've featured the shit. Goes to show I had way too much free time (or too less, depending on how you look at it). I promise you it was funny BACK THEN. Well now, SUFFER!!

Mirror, on the wall...

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Everyday, I learn something new about myself.

The more time I spend observing other people, their lives and the changes constantly happening around me, the more I learn about what I want in life, my priorities... my responsibilities and how I view them.

It's continous learning process... which will possibly, if I'm lucky, go on as long as I breathe... so I will be living every day till I die.

When I stand outside my house, or on my terrace, all alone... just listening and watching... or riding on a bike in the middle of the night or the middle of the day just drinking the sights and sounds around me... I see life happening, I feel the present, and I focus on today with a vision of tomorrow.

Just strumming on my guitar, blocking out every one else, and every other thought wafting around in my mind, clearing all the bull shit out - reminds me what I live for, who I am and brings sharp into focus what I'm capable of. Brings me that much closer to really achieving contentment, and being a hundred percent comfortable with me.

It's not about what I'm doing at the moment, it's just a sort of meditative state - and the stringed wooden box is just a medium, for me specifically, to get there. One of many I suppose... painting's another, other forms of playing music as well as listening counts too, writing's there as well... for instance.

Yeah, me myself and Thom... but 'I' need space and time to grow, don't I? Self improvement and self motivation is necessary for personal success, and if that is what will lead me to happiness, I believe I have the right to step forward and get a grip on it. Happiness is my birth right, just as it is yours.

*munch munch on Van Houten Milk Chocolate bar, sluuuurrrp choco milk*

FOCUS CHANGE - How viable is that theory ?

Well the birth right being so... I still believe that everyone should believe in humanity, well atleast I do... thus making life a little complicated. Because no one is obligated to help out any one I think everything anyone does insignificant or deserved (eg. you think that some one should do some thing because you deserve it as you did something for that some one)should be fully acknowledged and/or appreciated...

And so one's pursuit for happiness (under the above dictated belief system) should not overlap with some one else's happiness... However accordingly, answers to the questions such as 'who is that fair to?', 'why me?/why not me?' and 'says who?' have to be drawn from stereotypical, screwed up society... which again, makes the whole chase for happiness pointless, because you start to compromise everything based on assumptions drawn from popular belief.

Square one, here I come!

Anyway... I conclude that one should just try and treat everyone human.. I have feelings, you have feelings... like for example; when you get involved with some one elses life, be fully aware that it is infact some one's 'life' , which goes beyond a game or a joke. Just based on that, I guess the kind of judgement you would end up making is simply reliant on who you are as a person...

But I... would think twice before stepping on foreign territory, for sure... Afterall, achieving happiness doesn't have to involve stepping on someone else right, nor poking my nose into their bees wax!

Mirror, on the wall...

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Everyday, I learn something new about myself.

The more time I spend observing other people, their lives and the changes constantly happening around me, the more I learn about what I want in life, my priorities... my responsibilities and how I view them.

It's continous learning process... which will possibly, if I'm lucky, go on as long as I breathe... so I will be living every day till I die.

When I stand outside my house, or on my terrace, all alone... just listening and watching... or riding on a bike in the middle of the night or the middle of the day just drinking the sights and sounds around me... I see life happening, I feel the present, and I focus on today with a vision of tomorrow.

Just strumming on my guitar, blocking out every one else, and every other thought wafting around in my mind, clearing all the bull shit out - reminds me what I live for, who I am and brings sharp into focus what I'm capable of. Brings me that much closer to really achieving contentment, and being a hundred percent comfortable with me.

It's not about what I'm doing at the moment, it's just a sort of meditative state - and the stringed wooden box is just a medium, for me specifically, to get there. One of many I suppose... painting's another, other forms of playing music as well as listening counts too, writing's there as well... for instance.

Yeah, me myself and Thom... but 'I' need space and time to grow, don't I? Self improvement and self motivation is necessary for personal success, and if that is what will lead me to happiness, I believe I have the right to step forward and get a grip on it. Happiness is my birth right, just as it is yours.

*munch munch on Van Houten Milk Chocolate bar, sluuuurrrp choco milk*

FOCUS CHANGE - How viable is that theory ?

Well the birth right being so... I still believe that everyone should believe in humanity, well atleast I do... thus making life a little complicated. Because no one is obligated to help out any one I think everything anyone does insignificant or deserved (eg. you think that some one should do some thing because you deserve it as you did something for that some one)should be fully acknowledged and/or appreciated...

And so one's pursuit for happiness (under the above dictated belief system) should not overlap with some one else's happiness... However accordingly, answers to the questions such as 'who is that fair to?', 'why me?/why not me?' and 'says who?' have to be drawn from stereotypical, screwed up society... which again, makes the whole chase for happiness pointless, because you start to compromise everything based on assumptions drawn from popular belief.

Square one, here I come!

Anyway... I conclude that one should just try and treat everyone human.. I have feelings, you have feelings... like for example; when you get involved with some one elses life, be fully aware that it is infact some one's 'life' , which goes beyond a game or a joke. Just based on that, I guess the kind of judgement you would end up making is simply reliant on who you are as a person...

But I... would think twice before stepping on foreign territory, for sure... Afterall, achieving happiness doesn't have to involve stepping on someone else right, nor poking my nose into their bees wax!

Trin trin... phoneh! :P

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Ahh...I've noticed. I don't get phone calls much anymore... you know, it's such a relief.
'Hi, hama magumathin fenigen gulhaalee - reethi vegen'
'Hi, nubai numbereh. Fahun gulhaanan'
Chi. Maldivian idiot men... Either they've realised that there are better things... or am ossifa (about time :P but that theory makes me feel ooooooooooold - so scratch that :P) or well, who cares... its over! Or is it :P ... *reminds herself to live in the present without fear* :P
^_^
I've been on a creative kick the past few days... yeah I know, I know, it doesn't really reflect in my writing skils much lately (did it ever really?)...
I've so far redesigned my room and painted a bit (no not my toe nails fool!)... scribbled all over a couple of hundred pages... and... - DON'T LAFF - I made a lil melody (amilla raageko! dhen visnanee exposure ah araa heyren, *snickers*!) only it sounds like some desperate, dying, suicidal sucker came up with it. And I feel rather cheerful (or I think I do). How wierd.
I've been seeing some absolutely absurd dreams lately... from recounting the enitre day with minor changes (gosh how bloody pointless can life get???!!!) to eating a 6 feet lon hot dog while *ahem* enjoying *ahem* the *ahem* company *ahem ahem* of some one ... and the *ahem* pleasures of life *ROFL* I swear.. don't think anything's specially strange with me and think (keyword : THINK) am acting fairly normal (up to the world to decide :P and yeah normal's a perspective thing obviously, but hey) ... but by god... my subconcious alone is enough to peg me down with the major league psycho's ... maldivian psycho. Or it would seem :P
(damn I really cannot seem to be able to conclude anything anymore... !!!! or maybe I can... :P )

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OOOOOOOOoooooooooooooh... what does this button dooooooooooo?

Diagnosis

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Lately I've been meeting too much of one brand of people. They know wat they want, they are confident...or appear to be..., good people... wonderful when they want to be in fact...anyway but they can't seem to be able to get where they wanna....

Introducing you to the - stubborn ass.

I don't buy people who just do things that clearly hurt other people and say they can't help it, it comes natural to them, its who they are. I used to be like that a long time ago, I grew up, why can't you?

People like that often say that they can't have steady relationships etc because people can't accept who they are so it's not their fault blah blah blah... well all I have to say to that is, - BULLSHIT. It's either result of direct and utter stupidity or, seriously not wanting to be happy and enjoying the feeling of wallowing in self pity.

Self pity will get you no where, it won't protect you forever and it sure as hell won't help you find happiness. Seems simple enough but then why do so many people seem to be oblivious to this obvious knowledge??????

Oh wait, you can't do anything about it coz you can't change who you are, but I have to adapt my own beliefs to suit you... ho ho! Hypocrite!! The people who are your friends, being in such a situation, probably love you very very much, how can anyone with a clear consience put them through pain? I would change my attitude, what almost anything, to not hurt people who care about me like that. Not everyone in your life would turn a blind eye to everything you want... maybe not everyone can afford to?

Just like it's not the people who are bad it's what they do adage goes... it's your attitude people want to change... not who you are. Maybe you dont know who you are... I think a tad bit of applied patience (hearing out is good not only as rest of vocal chords and for reducing Repetitive Strain Injury), sharp reduction in the intake of assumption (jumping is good exercise, just make sure you aren't heading towads a conclusion), open heart surgery to prove that everyone has a heart of their own (therefore feelings that get hurt; not anger necessarily but pain maybe? yes yes?) should be a good start.

Now go wait in the waiting room to hear the other person's story like other sane people.

Human desires are insatiable.

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Response to the title should be 'duh', yeah I know. Been suffering a heavy bout of writers block combined with way too much travelling to the land of 'lah's' (s'pore to me) , complications in my normal simple daily routine way of life ... topped off with general work-aholic seasoning.. life's been a bit.. err.. you know... shitty.
At the same time it's been fine, sure I get my glitches... but I have everything I want, need essentially... I don't know why I'm not happy... But I am nevertheless... I guess you can't really see it on my face (well, either that or absolutely no one gives a shit :P ) but I keep feeling this empty empty hollowness inside... it's more than emptiness... it's almost a fear... like... I sense there's a faulty switch... and it's all just gonna blow... but I dcan't pinpoint anything... because nothing is stable... so the 'accident' could happen in any way... any where... any time...
:P
Flammable. Yeah....
I'm HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT (hotey hotey mibune :P )
I guess thats just life. Expect the unexpected. And don't expect that either. Dont expect to expect. Etc.
Hee hee... will attempt further revelations later. Lol. Writers block - severe.