I can't believe half the things happening around me. Yeah, so my friends chided me for being so damned paranoid about everything feeling so good. Enjoy life when you can, they said. Learn to just be happy! But I'm glad I didn't. I have good instincts. Or maybe I'm just unlucky and used to it. Whatever it is... I'm glad I responded to the hunch.
Life's a strange thing, riles you up..builds you so high you can barely see where you came from and is even faster to bring you down, falling - bruising - hurting - cover you under the mess. Until you suffocate. Or if you're lucky... you'll crawl back out.
Oh how could I be so stupid? Again and again and again?? I knew what I was walking into and I stayed there fully aware of the consequences! FULLY AWARE! I have only myself to blame and that is probably what hurts the most because anger can have a anesthetic effect... and I can't exactly be angry with myself. No with me, I'll simply be humiliated - and stay that way. The truth is that you can't hate yourself; not really... even suicide is to make you feel better which you wouldnt't do if you simply hated you eh? Humiliation is more of a torture though - when you are ashamed to be yourself.
"Mikamaa hedhi nun hey mihen vee" - not a philosophy I really believe. Sure I say that too, but honestly I know it's me. No one forces anyone to do anything, say anything, be with anyone... you do it yourself. Because the truth is that it's what you wanted for yourself. At the time at least.
I just knew things wouldn't last very long. I hate being right though. I wish life would just go to being okay. I wish I could find the strength to move on from everything that is pulling me down. Being distant isn't enough... if you've let something bother you, it will until you really draw the closure. Open to a peek isn't really effective, least not for me.
Studious People...
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Knowledge is a funny thing isn't it. Some people learn for the sake of earning... and some do it because they want to achieve fame and success... very few actually learn for the sake of learning, because they enjoy what they learn every day. Or maybe, we don't actually ever end up studying what truly motivates us. See, I'm headed towards an LLB that I don't even want to do. Whereas, whenever I sit in a literature or journalism class, I'm there because I absolutely want to be there.
Yeah, it's pretty nerdy, but I have always loved reading, writing, learning languages. I don't mind a bit of history, a bit of psychology, hell - writers/journalists are a bit of a jack of all trades. In the sense; they need to understand the jargon and really get the gist of well, everything! I have fun dissecting Shakespeare and applying language symbolism into say, a marketing/advertisement campaign. I know it's utterly ridiculous to many people but I love everything to do with language - learning, teaching and application.
I honestly believe that few people respect knowledge in its purest form. Walk into a social setting; say a bar for instance. People interact, meet and build relationships in places like this, all over the world. When you first meet someone, it is very likely you would end up on a semi-personal topic like work, studies and interests. People are not always inclined to be honest, I myself have been from stay at home Mom to Company Lawyer - it's a interesting kick to fit into a new role for just a night. Playing pretend perhaps? The adult way.
In any case you would at least have observed such interactions and what words are exchanged. Have you notice how different the reactions can be when someone is introduced to a lawyer as opposed to an actress? It's social stereotyping I guess. How bizzare does I have a MD in classic Greek literature actually sound? People do study it though, but you are most inclined to chuckle - what are you going to do with THAT on your CV right? Yet the institution of education is as old has humanity itself. For all these many centuries knowledge has been recognized and respected for what it is, a collection of information and skills in an area of expertise or many areas of expertise. Where on earth is this way of thinking, how come we don't practise it anymore? Education is the right of every living human and one must learn to respect the virtues and the talents of others.
Yeah, it's pretty nerdy, but I have always loved reading, writing, learning languages. I don't mind a bit of history, a bit of psychology, hell - writers/journalists are a bit of a jack of all trades. In the sense; they need to understand the jargon and really get the gist of well, everything! I have fun dissecting Shakespeare and applying language symbolism into say, a marketing/advertisement campaign. I know it's utterly ridiculous to many people but I love everything to do with language - learning, teaching and application.
I honestly believe that few people respect knowledge in its purest form. Walk into a social setting; say a bar for instance. People interact, meet and build relationships in places like this, all over the world. When you first meet someone, it is very likely you would end up on a semi-personal topic like work, studies and interests. People are not always inclined to be honest, I myself have been from stay at home Mom to Company Lawyer - it's a interesting kick to fit into a new role for just a night. Playing pretend perhaps? The adult way.
In any case you would at least have observed such interactions and what words are exchanged. Have you notice how different the reactions can be when someone is introduced to a lawyer as opposed to an actress? It's social stereotyping I guess. How bizzare does I have a MD in classic Greek literature actually sound? People do study it though, but you are most inclined to chuckle - what are you going to do with THAT on your CV right? Yet the institution of education is as old has humanity itself. For all these many centuries knowledge has been recognized and respected for what it is, a collection of information and skills in an area of expertise or many areas of expertise. Where on earth is this way of thinking, how come we don't practise it anymore? Education is the right of every living human and one must learn to respect the virtues and the talents of others.
My Perfect Man
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I found the strangest document lying around in my photo album today... Something I wrote somewhere in Grade 8, describing one of my then favorite day dreams - my perfect prince charming who would of course ride in and save me from my otherwise disastrous fate! It is so absolutely ridiculous and hilarious that I had to publish it here.
This is what it says:
Looks: Tall, fair and handsome with straight hair and brown eyes and a really nice smile preferably with dimples and a hot bod to follow that up with good abs like a six pack or something.
Personality: He should be a proper man, someone who isn't afraid to admit emotions and is really manly at the same time, should have enough money to live properly and should have a respectable reputation. Love bad boys who turn good, but got to have limits with that too. He should be 100% honest always, and should be kind and generous and love kids too. Should be considerate about my feelings. Should be educated and very intellectual and have a great sense of humor as well, coming from a good background and family is a extra good point too. Have to be able to get along with my family and friends as well, social and got lots of class and charm.
OMG!!! Such a man does not exist. Talk about the vanity here, man ... as if I am that perfect to command such attributes from my partner.
Anyway, here is the current version of that:
1. Make me laugh
2. Be willing to laugh with me
3. Give me a little alone time with him, of his own will :)
This is what it says:
Looks: Tall, fair and handsome with straight hair and brown eyes and a really nice smile preferably with dimples and a hot bod to follow that up with good abs like a six pack or something.
Personality: He should be a proper man, someone who isn't afraid to admit emotions and is really manly at the same time, should have enough money to live properly and should have a respectable reputation. Love bad boys who turn good, but got to have limits with that too. He should be 100% honest always, and should be kind and generous and love kids too. Should be considerate about my feelings. Should be educated and very intellectual and have a great sense of humor as well, coming from a good background and family is a extra good point too. Have to be able to get along with my family and friends as well, social and got lots of class and charm.
OMG!!! Such a man does not exist. Talk about the vanity here, man ... as if I am that perfect to command such attributes from my partner.
Anyway, here is the current version of that:
1. Make me laugh
2. Be willing to laugh with me
3. Give me a little alone time with him, of his own will :)
We all thought love, lasts forever...
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For every woman who is in a relationship with a guy afraid of commitment or someone who is totally insecure about you, my advice is to stop bitching to your girl friends on how shitty men are it is totally not going to get you anywhere. In fact, the reason you are in so much shit is because of women in the first place.
Not that I'm much of a Freud supporter, I do think he is a spoilt, ungrateful brat who blamed his mother for all the shit he went through and did nothing about it - HOWEVER I also think that its probably very true that mistrust and suspicion comes from incidents witness from the home environment, if it is not that some chick came and broke his heart when he was naive, sixteen and totally 'twitterpated'. Chances are pretty high that he mended his broken pieces and swore on his dead body that he would NEVER be that stupid again.
You've been there too? Well, men are not as forgiving especially of themselves as you may be. And there is always ego and pride to overcome. If you do darling, don't throw it away, thats a pretty big deal sacrifice wise from a man, do me a favor and be respectful even when you have to let him go, at least for the sake of the next poor girl who falls head over heels for him and gets maltreated simply because YOU were so fucking rude.
Back to the bitching thing, anyways... chicks are gonna be totally biased on your side, and though that can feel really good and liberating, the fact of the matter is that a relationship takes two to make or break it... thus, please don't rely on a 'girl you rule' to simply throw away something meaningful, nor is it plausible cause to plan out elaborate ball-chopping revenge plans either! Harmless bitching is one thing, and you using it as an excuse to give him and undeserved hard time is a totally different scenario!
Your friends can tell you what they feel, but the decision should be yours. Too much (and this applies to younger generations of both sexes... ) reliance on a high powered, hormone charged scream fest as motivation can very likely ruin some of the best things that have happened to you.
>>>>
I feel like a old hag, but my little cousins talking about love and lovers is just wierd to my ears and I can't believe I'm talking to my older sis about these things and this little brat feels that she knows everything already when she butts in... so wierd. :P Okay, I know, I was her not so long ago, but still!!! Hehehe, the cycle of life... MAAAAAN... I was just discussing this with PurpleFalho... we just can't get over how fast kids are growing up these days.. I mean 13... Wow... I wasn't thinking about anything sexual those days!!
Maybe we just supressed it all... Maybe it's all related to the psychological theory - stages of life and everybody is over exposed to the oral sensory and anal sensory part(0-2 is oral, when kids put everything in their mouth and anal is 2-3 when kids spend lotsa time in the bathroom and toilet training begins. The psycho dudes say its due to a membrane in the anal region that induces feelings of intense pleasure and thats when our body discovers this)... back to what I was saying. It's all rather strange.
They fall in love at 16 and want to be married by 18 and you try to tell them its always love at 16 but they simply WILL NOT believe you... and then you predict what will happen as they change and evolve and their personalitites usually take opposite and radical turns... and then they come and cry on your lap... and you tell them it's okay been their done thta. Come 18 they think it really is love this time and you hear lots of 'well Thitha what the hell do you know??' (which is when you feel really ancient).... and then the cycle just goes on. LOL, you want to teach them but the simply won't listen just like you didn't either simply coz life requires we do our own individual fucking up before we come full circle :)
LOL... we lose faith in everything and spend the rest of our life trying to find it and keep it strong... wow, we start out planning life to our retirement, go back to living a day at a time, and somehow try intergrate both together. Ya... humans are complex arrite!!!
Anyway... check out this sweet video from a little boy (loabi kan!!!) who was dissed by his cheating girlfriend... (awwwww...)
Not that I'm much of a Freud supporter, I do think he is a spoilt, ungrateful brat who blamed his mother for all the shit he went through and did nothing about it - HOWEVER I also think that its probably very true that mistrust and suspicion comes from incidents witness from the home environment, if it is not that some chick came and broke his heart when he was naive, sixteen and totally 'twitterpated'. Chances are pretty high that he mended his broken pieces and swore on his dead body that he would NEVER be that stupid again.
You've been there too? Well, men are not as forgiving especially of themselves as you may be. And there is always ego and pride to overcome. If you do darling, don't throw it away, thats a pretty big deal sacrifice wise from a man, do me a favor and be respectful even when you have to let him go, at least for the sake of the next poor girl who falls head over heels for him and gets maltreated simply because YOU were so fucking rude.
Back to the bitching thing, anyways... chicks are gonna be totally biased on your side, and though that can feel really good and liberating, the fact of the matter is that a relationship takes two to make or break it... thus, please don't rely on a 'girl you rule' to simply throw away something meaningful, nor is it plausible cause to plan out elaborate ball-chopping revenge plans either! Harmless bitching is one thing, and you using it as an excuse to give him and undeserved hard time is a totally different scenario!
Your friends can tell you what they feel, but the decision should be yours. Too much (and this applies to younger generations of both sexes... ) reliance on a high powered, hormone charged scream fest as motivation can very likely ruin some of the best things that have happened to you.
>>>>
I feel like a old hag, but my little cousins talking about love and lovers is just wierd to my ears and I can't believe I'm talking to my older sis about these things and this little brat feels that she knows everything already when she butts in... so wierd. :P Okay, I know, I was her not so long ago, but still!!! Hehehe, the cycle of life... MAAAAAN... I was just discussing this with PurpleFalho... we just can't get over how fast kids are growing up these days.. I mean 13... Wow... I wasn't thinking about anything sexual those days!!
Maybe we just supressed it all... Maybe it's all related to the psychological theory - stages of life and everybody is over exposed to the oral sensory and anal sensory part(0-2 is oral, when kids put everything in their mouth and anal is 2-3 when kids spend lotsa time in the bathroom and toilet training begins. The psycho dudes say its due to a membrane in the anal region that induces feelings of intense pleasure and thats when our body discovers this)... back to what I was saying. It's all rather strange.
They fall in love at 16 and want to be married by 18 and you try to tell them its always love at 16 but they simply WILL NOT believe you... and then you predict what will happen as they change and evolve and their personalitites usually take opposite and radical turns... and then they come and cry on your lap... and you tell them it's okay been their done thta. Come 18 they think it really is love this time and you hear lots of 'well Thitha what the hell do you know??' (which is when you feel really ancient).... and then the cycle just goes on. LOL, you want to teach them but the simply won't listen just like you didn't either simply coz life requires we do our own individual fucking up before we come full circle :)
LOL... we lose faith in everything and spend the rest of our life trying to find it and keep it strong... wow, we start out planning life to our retirement, go back to living a day at a time, and somehow try intergrate both together. Ya... humans are complex arrite!!!
Anyway... check out this sweet video from a little boy (loabi kan!!!) who was dissed by his cheating girlfriend... (awwwww...)
Lurve, Lurve me do!
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So I feel like continuing the oh-so-damned tagging :P and finishing up with the 3 things I love as directed by foniboki...
3 things I totally love...
1.My baby sister (Ok, not a 'thing' but you know)
2.My best friends
3.My guitar
To regular blogging again;
I don't like secrecy or suprises. I feel like I'm being conned in some sorta wierd conspiracy whenever something like that is going on. Maybe I'm just extra ordinarily inquisitive a.k.a insecure... :P Whatever it is, it is just not something I like at all.
My old friend is crashing with me this weekend while my sis is busy tanning her lil butt in Penang... It's fun, we get to catch up on really old times and sort out lotsa lil confusions. Last night we went to watch the movie Transformers and it was wicked... I swear, that yellow Camaron is such a turn on!!!
The shots are beautiful, effects are damn cool and the plot is totally shit - it IS based on a cartoon after all, but you know the whole thing is so fantastic you just don't care either... AAAH, it was a good movie. And I was making fun of the whole thing all this time, saying it was for all the lil boys who just won't grow up... There is this HOT military guy in it too...and the heroine is hot too... infact the hero is the only real GEEK :P in the whole thing...
I swear though, the whole thing centrals around an ad in Ebday?? Gimme a break. And the world is under seige but America is the first place they wanna play around with? Ello? I mean DUH, the Japanese are just too technologically advanced and shit like that so aliens what, prefer to be around the idiots of the world?? :/ Didn't like that part, but yeah... it's HOLLYWOOD.
3 things I totally love...
1.My baby sister (Ok, not a 'thing' but you know)
2.My best friends
3.My guitar
To regular blogging again;
I don't like secrecy or suprises. I feel like I'm being conned in some sorta wierd conspiracy whenever something like that is going on. Maybe I'm just extra ordinarily inquisitive a.k.a insecure... :P Whatever it is, it is just not something I like at all.
My old friend is crashing with me this weekend while my sis is busy tanning her lil butt in Penang... It's fun, we get to catch up on really old times and sort out lotsa lil confusions. Last night we went to watch the movie Transformers and it was wicked... I swear, that yellow Camaron is such a turn on!!!
The shots are beautiful, effects are damn cool and the plot is totally shit - it IS based on a cartoon after all, but you know the whole thing is so fantastic you just don't care either... AAAH, it was a good movie. And I was making fun of the whole thing all this time, saying it was for all the lil boys who just won't grow up... There is this HOT military guy in it too...and the heroine is hot too... infact the hero is the only real GEEK :P in the whole thing...
I swear though, the whole thing centrals around an ad in Ebday?? Gimme a break. And the world is under seige but America is the first place they wanna play around with? Ello? I mean DUH, the Japanese are just too technologically advanced and shit like that so aliens what, prefer to be around the idiots of the world?? :/ Didn't like that part, but yeah... it's HOLLYWOOD.
I was tagged by Green!
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HAH! I have friends too :P ... I have been tagged. ROFL
So lets get this over with...
Three things I can't do
1. Change the past or avoid the future
2. Follow rules 0:>
3. Shut out people I care about, even when it's better that I do so
Three things that I can do
1. Hide stuff about me (everyone has a right to their own privacy!)
2. Dance(Okay, I think I can :P) and party hard!!!
3. Cook!!! (Fer shizzle!)
Oooh, what scares me...
1. Crocodiles
2. Blindness
3. Loosing the people I love.
3 things I absolutely hate... (Just 3??? Alhey... LOL)
1. Waiting in lines and queues
2. Racism, Sexism....
3. Judgemental Hyprocrites
That would be it...
Ima tag... Velvette, Nadu and Zoe
So lets get this over with...
Three things I can't do
1. Change the past or avoid the future
2. Follow rules 0:>
3. Shut out people I care about, even when it's better that I do so
Three things that I can do
1. Hide stuff about me (everyone has a right to their own privacy!)
2. Dance(Okay, I think I can :P) and party hard!!!
3. Cook!!! (Fer shizzle!)
Oooh, what scares me...
1. Crocodiles
2. Blindness
3. Loosing the people I love.
3 things I absolutely hate... (Just 3??? Alhey... LOL)
1. Waiting in lines and queues
2. Racism, Sexism....
3. Judgemental Hyprocrites
That would be it...
Ima tag... Velvette, Nadu and Zoe
delta- 6-tetrahydrocannabinol [da lowdown]
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First of all, you guys should check out these links...
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_hash.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/narconon_drugs_marijuana.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_history.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_timeline.html
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_addiction.html
This whole piece of writing is solely dedicated to the stupidity of reality :P
"Some users also mix marijuana into foods or use it to brew tea."
Oooh guys, lets have a tea party... *WINK* :P
"The Muslims too used it recreationally for alcohol consumption was banned by the Koran. It was the Muslims who introduced hashish, whose popularity spread quickly throughout 12th century Persia (Iran) and North Africa."
What??? Our Muslim brothers?? Cannot be lah... they would never! Pis pis pis...
"These marijuana establishments were tolerated by the authorities because marijuana was not illegal and patrons showed no evidence of making a nuisance of themselves or disturbing the community. Marijuana was not considered a social threat."
Loabivaa parteys... good news... your ancestors didn't rob old buggers on the street on knife point, nice to see that you are smarter. :P
"Now, NIDA-supported researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and Columbia University in New York City have shown that individuals who regularly smoke marijuana experience withdrawal symptoms after they stop smoking the drug."
Nooney nooney, you should still stick to saying that it's not inducing dependence. Say that after the 15th blunt of the day and I will kick your sorry ass elsewhere! Seriously... some people... dependence is exactly what it is - dependence... psychological or physical!
There is a difference between the occasional partying and the inability to pass 8 straight hours without stuff... Neither is particularly unfavorable... but one must differentiate these things!
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_hash.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/narconon_drugs_marijuana.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_history.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_timeline.html
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_addiction.html
This whole piece of writing is solely dedicated to the stupidity of reality :P
"Some users also mix marijuana into foods or use it to brew tea."
Oooh guys, lets have a tea party... *WINK* :P
"The Muslims too used it recreationally for alcohol consumption was banned by the Koran. It was the Muslims who introduced hashish, whose popularity spread quickly throughout 12th century Persia (Iran) and North Africa."
What??? Our Muslim brothers?? Cannot be lah... they would never! Pis pis pis...
"These marijuana establishments were tolerated by the authorities because marijuana was not illegal and patrons showed no evidence of making a nuisance of themselves or disturbing the community. Marijuana was not considered a social threat."
Loabivaa parteys... good news... your ancestors didn't rob old buggers on the street on knife point, nice to see that you are smarter. :P
"Now, NIDA-supported researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and Columbia University in New York City have shown that individuals who regularly smoke marijuana experience withdrawal symptoms after they stop smoking the drug."
Nooney nooney, you should still stick to saying that it's not inducing dependence. Say that after the 15th blunt of the day and I will kick your sorry ass elsewhere! Seriously... some people... dependence is exactly what it is - dependence... psychological or physical!
There is a difference between the occasional partying and the inability to pass 8 straight hours without stuff... Neither is particularly unfavorable... but one must differentiate these things!
My Addiction (Fictional Short Story - Female Protagonist)
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[I wrote this previously on my work blog which is floatingreflections.blogspot.com, and since it is possibly one of my writings I love most, I thought to share it here too, check out the rest of my hadi heyvun as Anne Bonny if you're bored ^-^ )
I lifted my gaze to meet his...
The result is almost painful... I instantly regret my decision, cursing my own idiocy...Hating my weakness...
Heat rushes into my face. The reaction is visible to him, I remind myself... I'm staring at my toes but I can see the self satisfied smirk on his face. He's silent, butI can hear the sneering laugh... Like a personal victory... How sick can you get?
And what do I do in defiance? To retaliate? This strong, passionate woman? Nothing. I submit, cave in, give up, accept defeat... whatever you call it. That's how much of a coward I've become.
He owns me now. It's a relative term. It owns us. I suppose that's more accurate.
Years ago they were all racking their heads why we landed up together.
The bitch. The bastard. Yeah yeah, but still, how?
I was a labelled, confirmed slut from the slums. Not that I sold. I just experimented.
It's a string of failed relationships. Not really multiple dating. You know? That kind... Bad rep, but still I got good guys, decent ones even. Usually got what I wanted in life... Yups! Lucky me...
It'd be some sort of consolation I suppose, had he been goodlooking. Understandable if he was filthy rich or had much dignity to his name. Fame I mean... well, none of that. They'd have been able to justify it all had he been the sweet, cute, cutiepie sort - then again if that were true I probably wouldn't be here in the first place, now would I?
Absolutely shameful is what it is.
Was he especially kind to me? Hell no. Lied. Cheated. Ignored. Humiliated. Several times over...
So what kind of a retard am I?
In the beggining I tried to please him... like any love sick sucker would. Love, no... I'm not going to taint the word in this story, Let's try again.
The guys I used to date, like I said... were of the good sort. Sweet faced, sweetly smiling and sweeter manners... Ironically I end up with this looser. Figures.
I suppose I could say I had to stay with him because I lost my virginity to him and felt some sort of attachment to him. I suppose I could say he wouldn't let me go because I soon started to play wifey and do his chores. I suppose I could tell you his reckless bad ass attitude was a new buzz. I guess I could blame it on me finding his junkie/orgy infest/almost criminal lifestyle appealing...
But the truth is... I wasn't that naive... The truth is I knew what was coming... Reality is that I was never the good little girl I pretended to be. I never had die hard morals to begin with, to stop me. I'd always questioned what I had been taught.
Not an ethist by any means, don't get me wrong now. No holy woman neither.
Lust is a very powerful emotion. If it can be called one. It's more like... a... drug. Cheesy huh... It's addictive, destructive and alters how our body functions and to top it off, is induced by a chemical realised into the body. Isn't it a drug then?
It's an escape mechanism, a vulnerability, a window of weakness.
Some smoke. Some snort. Some eject. Some Some drink. Some choke. Some just fuck. Simple as that. A, B, C. It's my cocaine. Like so many other addicts I didn't see it coming.. the high was just...beyond this world. Life itself is a variable you know? I fooled myself into calling it love.
The thought is hilarious now. Love? That? Blasphemous!
I sort of... hallucinated... and within so, dreamt up castles, conjoured up phrases like Shakespeare, planned out a perfect lifetime... one heck of a trip that was... and my ruin... I got hooked.
Didn't take long for the transformation. He became evil. Everything I'd constructed, concieved to be him... under closed, relaxed eyes... all dissipated, and I began to see him for who he really was - just another guy.
I hated him from the very innermost depths of my soul. I needed him though, I needed him, I needed him... and I need him even more. It burned a hole in me...
We had lives before each other, him and I. He had a good, safe girl. I had a decent steady guy. The story was to end in one and only one way. I knew exactly what that conlusive chapter would be like. I tried hard to walk away. My family set force to rehabilitate me in the sense, to life without him.
And then came the withdrawals. I itched to dial his number... I stared at his messenger icon... willing myself to look away, move away... I walked by his home, though mine was on the opther side of the neighborhood. I didn't mean to, at first, but I guess you could say that I began stalking him...
I knew him so well you see, I'm messed up but I'm not stupid... I went to the places where I knew he would go, when I knew I'd be able to find him there. Just sit and stare, observe him. I was beggining to scare myself. I couldn't sleep at night... all I could think of was him, and I knew something was going wrong with me.
My friends tell me I talk about him all the time, saw him or images of him no matter where I was, he haunted me. His voice echoed in my head. I was going insane. I told him, and in the beggining he found it amusing. Then he told me I was sick...
He left me, after using me. He felt guilty at first... I needed answers so I pushed it, tried to make the guilt work for me. Manipulate his feelings that way, you know, bring them back out. This desire for him, it couldn't live just inside me.
I bribed everyone to bring him back... his friends, his family... emotionally, physically, financially... and the most deadly weapon of all, sex..
'I'm pregnant and it's his...'
'You know, he stole money from me for heroin'
'You know you want me... come to me'
All the things I said... all those words I used... it was for the better. White lies.. no big deal... I had been pregnant, but I miscarried before I went for the abortion... Felt worse, like the child had rejected me... He did take money from me... for marijuana... drug either way...
He himself couldn't stay away from what I could make him feel...
I had trapped us into being what previously we couldn't be... and the lust drove us into it... drove us over the edge... and we couldn't take it anymore, we were trapped in a deadly cycle, damned forever. One of us had to make the sacrifice... the one that was truly wasting away...
I rubbed a finger across his paled cheek... and looked back into his eyes. This time the gaze isn't strong at all, it's empty... I bent over his beautiful face and kissed him. Then I dipped a finger into the warm flesh blood pouring out of his impaled chest and painted those delicate lips.
'My darling... and for what? Just lust?'
I lifted my gaze to meet his...
The result is almost painful... I instantly regret my decision, cursing my own idiocy...Hating my weakness...
Heat rushes into my face. The reaction is visible to him, I remind myself... I'm staring at my toes but I can see the self satisfied smirk on his face. He's silent, butI can hear the sneering laugh... Like a personal victory... How sick can you get?
And what do I do in defiance? To retaliate? This strong, passionate woman? Nothing. I submit, cave in, give up, accept defeat... whatever you call it. That's how much of a coward I've become.
He owns me now. It's a relative term. It owns us. I suppose that's more accurate.
Years ago they were all racking their heads why we landed up together.
The bitch. The bastard. Yeah yeah, but still, how?
I was a labelled, confirmed slut from the slums. Not that I sold. I just experimented.
It's a string of failed relationships. Not really multiple dating. You know? That kind... Bad rep, but still I got good guys, decent ones even. Usually got what I wanted in life... Yups! Lucky me...
It'd be some sort of consolation I suppose, had he been goodlooking. Understandable if he was filthy rich or had much dignity to his name. Fame I mean... well, none of that. They'd have been able to justify it all had he been the sweet, cute, cutiepie sort - then again if that were true I probably wouldn't be here in the first place, now would I?
Absolutely shameful is what it is.
Was he especially kind to me? Hell no. Lied. Cheated. Ignored. Humiliated. Several times over...
So what kind of a retard am I?
In the beggining I tried to please him... like any love sick sucker would. Love, no... I'm not going to taint the word in this story, Let's try again.
The guys I used to date, like I said... were of the good sort. Sweet faced, sweetly smiling and sweeter manners... Ironically I end up with this looser. Figures.
I suppose I could say I had to stay with him because I lost my virginity to him and felt some sort of attachment to him. I suppose I could say he wouldn't let me go because I soon started to play wifey and do his chores. I suppose I could tell you his reckless bad ass attitude was a new buzz. I guess I could blame it on me finding his junkie/orgy infest/almost criminal lifestyle appealing...
But the truth is... I wasn't that naive... The truth is I knew what was coming... Reality is that I was never the good little girl I pretended to be. I never had die hard morals to begin with, to stop me. I'd always questioned what I had been taught.
Not an ethist by any means, don't get me wrong now. No holy woman neither.
Lust is a very powerful emotion. If it can be called one. It's more like... a... drug. Cheesy huh... It's addictive, destructive and alters how our body functions and to top it off, is induced by a chemical realised into the body. Isn't it a drug then?
It's an escape mechanism, a vulnerability, a window of weakness.
Some smoke. Some snort. Some eject. Some Some drink. Some choke. Some just fuck. Simple as that. A, B, C. It's my cocaine. Like so many other addicts I didn't see it coming.. the high was just...beyond this world. Life itself is a variable you know? I fooled myself into calling it love.
The thought is hilarious now. Love? That? Blasphemous!
I sort of... hallucinated... and within so, dreamt up castles, conjoured up phrases like Shakespeare, planned out a perfect lifetime... one heck of a trip that was... and my ruin... I got hooked.
Didn't take long for the transformation. He became evil. Everything I'd constructed, concieved to be him... under closed, relaxed eyes... all dissipated, and I began to see him for who he really was - just another guy.
I hated him from the very innermost depths of my soul. I needed him though, I needed him, I needed him... and I need him even more. It burned a hole in me...
We had lives before each other, him and I. He had a good, safe girl. I had a decent steady guy. The story was to end in one and only one way. I knew exactly what that conlusive chapter would be like. I tried hard to walk away. My family set force to rehabilitate me in the sense, to life without him.
And then came the withdrawals. I itched to dial his number... I stared at his messenger icon... willing myself to look away, move away... I walked by his home, though mine was on the opther side of the neighborhood. I didn't mean to, at first, but I guess you could say that I began stalking him...
I knew him so well you see, I'm messed up but I'm not stupid... I went to the places where I knew he would go, when I knew I'd be able to find him there. Just sit and stare, observe him. I was beggining to scare myself. I couldn't sleep at night... all I could think of was him, and I knew something was going wrong with me.
My friends tell me I talk about him all the time, saw him or images of him no matter where I was, he haunted me. His voice echoed in my head. I was going insane. I told him, and in the beggining he found it amusing. Then he told me I was sick...
He left me, after using me. He felt guilty at first... I needed answers so I pushed it, tried to make the guilt work for me. Manipulate his feelings that way, you know, bring them back out. This desire for him, it couldn't live just inside me.
I bribed everyone to bring him back... his friends, his family... emotionally, physically, financially... and the most deadly weapon of all, sex..
'I'm pregnant and it's his...'
'You know, he stole money from me for heroin'
'You know you want me... come to me'
All the things I said... all those words I used... it was for the better. White lies.. no big deal... I had been pregnant, but I miscarried before I went for the abortion... Felt worse, like the child had rejected me... He did take money from me... for marijuana... drug either way...
He himself couldn't stay away from what I could make him feel...
I had trapped us into being what previously we couldn't be... and the lust drove us into it... drove us over the edge... and we couldn't take it anymore, we were trapped in a deadly cycle, damned forever. One of us had to make the sacrifice... the one that was truly wasting away...
I rubbed a finger across his paled cheek... and looked back into his eyes. This time the gaze isn't strong at all, it's empty... I bent over his beautiful face and kissed him. Then I dipped a finger into the warm flesh blood pouring out of his impaled chest and painted those delicate lips.
'My darling... and for what? Just lust?'
THINGS I"VE REALISED
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1. Differentiate between friends, potential lovers and stuff like that. There can be no inbetweens.
2. Do not keep your lenses on for weeks even though its easy. Or prepared to be BLIND for a day or two.
3. MISS CALL MESSAGES are from people who are not willing to spend a dime on you. There is no such thing as BUSY - it's too busy for you.
4. If you don't have the rights, they can steal your ideas. And it is no use bitching about it, coz no one will believe you anyway.
5. Tea is better than coffee, and easier to make, serves the same purpose.
6. Increasing the volume does not strengthen your point.
7. Honesty is NOT always the best policy, especially around LIARS.
8. Appreciate whoever bothers to give a damn. Tell the critics to fuck themselves.
9. When you do something stupid, laugh about it instead of making up lame excuses. People are too polite to say so, but they do notice.
10. If he likes you, you wont like him. If you like him, he wont like you. Simply avoid the whole thing instead.
11. Have no pity for mosquitoes, roaches and fruit flies (poop flies either)
12. Do not tell your Mom about your boyfriend's tiny fuck ups. She will NEVER forgive him.
13. Drinking cold coffee is tolerable, but don't let your tea get cold!
14. Getting drunk is called so coz people are not in their senses, and they are not necessarily telling the truth!
15. When people are in love, its the same as being drunk - they don't make no sense either.
2. Do not keep your lenses on for weeks even though its easy. Or prepared to be BLIND for a day or two.
3. MISS CALL MESSAGES are from people who are not willing to spend a dime on you. There is no such thing as BUSY - it's too busy for you.
4. If you don't have the rights, they can steal your ideas. And it is no use bitching about it, coz no one will believe you anyway.
5. Tea is better than coffee, and easier to make, serves the same purpose.
6. Increasing the volume does not strengthen your point.
7. Honesty is NOT always the best policy, especially around LIARS.
8. Appreciate whoever bothers to give a damn. Tell the critics to fuck themselves.
9. When you do something stupid, laugh about it instead of making up lame excuses. People are too polite to say so, but they do notice.
10. If he likes you, you wont like him. If you like him, he wont like you. Simply avoid the whole thing instead.
11. Have no pity for mosquitoes, roaches and fruit flies (poop flies either)
12. Do not tell your Mom about your boyfriend's tiny fuck ups. She will NEVER forgive him.
13. Drinking cold coffee is tolerable, but don't let your tea get cold!
14. Getting drunk is called so coz people are not in their senses, and they are not necessarily telling the truth!
15. When people are in love, its the same as being drunk - they don't make no sense either.
Most Confusing Phrase of the Year...
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"Hope u'll understand"
This is a reoccuring message of recent times that I've spotted in the text messages I recieve, as well as facebook (holy shit, that thing is taking over the world!) messages, emails and what not.
Ze probleme with zese lil err... addishonz, iz zat - ah fuck it, the thing that I don't get is what I am supposed to understand. I understand you are late or that you can't come or whatever the issue is, but then it's a stated reality of life, and in that case youre not just stating the obvious, or are you?
But what else is there to understand? I mean you are requiring me to understand something other than the unchangable truth right? That's what understanding is all about, ignoring something or excusing a event out of the norm or basically... just accepting a conflict has arisen, willing to compromise even perhaps.
So in this case, again, what am I to understand. I know that you're not coming, what am I supposed to 'getu vaning'? That you don't want to see me? That you are mad at me about something? That you had too much to smoke? That you're sleepy.
Wierd phrase. Misleading... and somewhat annoying too.
This is a reoccuring message of recent times that I've spotted in the text messages I recieve, as well as facebook (holy shit, that thing is taking over the world!) messages, emails and what not.
Ze probleme with zese lil err... addishonz, iz zat - ah fuck it, the thing that I don't get is what I am supposed to understand. I understand you are late or that you can't come or whatever the issue is, but then it's a stated reality of life, and in that case youre not just stating the obvious, or are you?
But what else is there to understand? I mean you are requiring me to understand something other than the unchangable truth right? That's what understanding is all about, ignoring something or excusing a event out of the norm or basically... just accepting a conflict has arisen, willing to compromise even perhaps.
So in this case, again, what am I to understand. I know that you're not coming, what am I supposed to 'getu vaning'? That you don't want to see me? That you are mad at me about something? That you had too much to smoke? That you're sleepy.
Wierd phrase. Misleading... and somewhat annoying too.
The Sweetest Salvation- PT I
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She wiped the sweat off her brow... and smiled. Hard work just feels good, no matter how down and dirty she'd need to go. But the thought lasted a second or so. The sight of the grime filled nails had her rushing to the showers like she was on fire.
Soaped up, she washes herself, the small bubbles and their beautiful colours all were adding to the serenity she was feeling. The water felt so good... The soap sliding down her skin felt soothing... their was music playing in her mind...
Wrapping up a towel around her, she stepped into her room, the cold air from the AC hit her like a wave, she shivered a little... and then she stood and simply stared through the mirror...
I havent seen myself for so long. Now here I am, no colour paints my face... no mask to hide my feelings... no one to stop these tears... not a reason to smile...
She strokes her face.... The towel drops down...
Recent years have not been kind to her... her scars fill the silence....
What were smooth, flawless legs and arms... now slashed, cut, bruised... healed, but will forever wear the mark. Discoloured due to various medications applied, for various ailments that were caused. None natural, but inevitable nevertheless.
No wonder he doesnt notice me anymore... No wonder he doesnt love me anymore. This is what I've become... What I've done to myself, what I let happen to me, in order to love him.
All those nights I walked into this room so drunk, so high... Partied with my baby so long tonight... And my Dad would take one look at my beaten up figure, and just smash me up some more. The pain, the humiliation - no matter I'd just smoke up a little more...
Flipping her hair, she turned around and peeped over her shoulder. The same arched, curvaceous back... But the skin now ashen, dulled... Marks from her Daddy's cane... Bony now, thanks to her "diabetes" issues...
My sugar control... But I need some sorta sweetness don't I. This house is empty, full of painful memories. Theres a resonance of evil that follows me here... I don't quite understand all of this... but I know that I need some sorta fix. Cigs don't cut it anymore, booze isn't a constant supply either. So whatever else, Ima just take what I get...
She sat down on the floor. Hugged her knees. Buried her head in her thighs. And cried. She could feel the warm tears trickling down her face then dripping their coolness onto her warmth... She felt the physical surroundings, sensed the ongoing activity... all the while very much lost into a violent whirlpool of thought...
I need to be loved. I need some one to touch me again and tell me I am worthy of love. Am I not deserving of attention? People used to tell me I am beautiful. Now no one will even bother to look in my direction.
That's how cruel people can be. Simply because I have been abandoned by my family, stripped of wealth and name - they call me a whore. I have done nothing different from the mistakes many of them have made. I have not been especially wicked. But they wouldnt hesitate to burn me at a stake.
Her nails dug harder into her naked flesh.
My crime is one of coincidence. How stupid. All this suffering, and the only consolance you can offer me is that I am simply unlucky? My entire life has been one of misery and all anyone can offer me is sympathy? I don't need no fucking sympathy!
She stood up. Stared into the mirror... stared at her nude reflection. Closed her eyes and forgot the disgust. Opened her eyes to see a new her... the same beautiful girl she was before. First, it was awe. Then excitement. Pleasure. Peace. A slow, confident smile replaced the trembling lips.
She walks out of her room. She hears her baby son crying as she places him on the cold ground outside. Your father hates you she whispers. The baby stops crying and gurgles happily. She keeps walking... walking like she has some plan to follow. Methodically, systematically... as if there was some routine controlling every move.
She is in a semi conscious state. Looks like a zombie in a trance - almost. Walks to the kitchen. Loosens the valve on the gas cylinder. Breathes in the suffocating gas. A normal person would have choked, but it was like it calmed her instead.
Breathe 1, 2, 3... 4
The gas fills the room, spreads...
I loved you. I loved all of you.
You destroyed me. All of you, one by one.
She opens the matchbox.
Goodbye
Strike one.
Soaped up, she washes herself, the small bubbles and their beautiful colours all were adding to the serenity she was feeling. The water felt so good... The soap sliding down her skin felt soothing... their was music playing in her mind...
Wrapping up a towel around her, she stepped into her room, the cold air from the AC hit her like a wave, she shivered a little... and then she stood and simply stared through the mirror...
I havent seen myself for so long. Now here I am, no colour paints my face... no mask to hide my feelings... no one to stop these tears... not a reason to smile...
She strokes her face.... The towel drops down...
Recent years have not been kind to her... her scars fill the silence....
What were smooth, flawless legs and arms... now slashed, cut, bruised... healed, but will forever wear the mark. Discoloured due to various medications applied, for various ailments that were caused. None natural, but inevitable nevertheless.
No wonder he doesnt notice me anymore... No wonder he doesnt love me anymore. This is what I've become... What I've done to myself, what I let happen to me, in order to love him.
All those nights I walked into this room so drunk, so high... Partied with my baby so long tonight... And my Dad would take one look at my beaten up figure, and just smash me up some more. The pain, the humiliation - no matter I'd just smoke up a little more...
Flipping her hair, she turned around and peeped over her shoulder. The same arched, curvaceous back... But the skin now ashen, dulled... Marks from her Daddy's cane... Bony now, thanks to her "diabetes" issues...
My sugar control... But I need some sorta sweetness don't I. This house is empty, full of painful memories. Theres a resonance of evil that follows me here... I don't quite understand all of this... but I know that I need some sorta fix. Cigs don't cut it anymore, booze isn't a constant supply either. So whatever else, Ima just take what I get...
She sat down on the floor. Hugged her knees. Buried her head in her thighs. And cried. She could feel the warm tears trickling down her face then dripping their coolness onto her warmth... She felt the physical surroundings, sensed the ongoing activity... all the while very much lost into a violent whirlpool of thought...
I need to be loved. I need some one to touch me again and tell me I am worthy of love. Am I not deserving of attention? People used to tell me I am beautiful. Now no one will even bother to look in my direction.
That's how cruel people can be. Simply because I have been abandoned by my family, stripped of wealth and name - they call me a whore. I have done nothing different from the mistakes many of them have made. I have not been especially wicked. But they wouldnt hesitate to burn me at a stake.
Her nails dug harder into her naked flesh.
My crime is one of coincidence. How stupid. All this suffering, and the only consolance you can offer me is that I am simply unlucky? My entire life has been one of misery and all anyone can offer me is sympathy? I don't need no fucking sympathy!
She stood up. Stared into the mirror... stared at her nude reflection. Closed her eyes and forgot the disgust. Opened her eyes to see a new her... the same beautiful girl she was before. First, it was awe. Then excitement. Pleasure. Peace. A slow, confident smile replaced the trembling lips.
She walks out of her room. She hears her baby son crying as she places him on the cold ground outside. Your father hates you she whispers. The baby stops crying and gurgles happily. She keeps walking... walking like she has some plan to follow. Methodically, systematically... as if there was some routine controlling every move.
She is in a semi conscious state. Looks like a zombie in a trance - almost. Walks to the kitchen. Loosens the valve on the gas cylinder. Breathes in the suffocating gas. A normal person would have choked, but it was like it calmed her instead.
Breathe 1, 2, 3... 4
The gas fills the room, spreads...
I loved you. I loved all of you.
You destroyed me. All of you, one by one.
She opens the matchbox.
Goodbye
Strike one.
Stuck in the same old rut...
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Frustration is an emotion that occurs in situations where one is blocked from reaching a personal goal. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration. It is comparable to anger.
Sources of frustration may be internal or external. Internal sources of frustration involve personal deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations that prevent one from reaching a goal. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration when one has competing goals that interfere with one another. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside the person such as a blocked road, lack of money, or lack of sexual activity.
In terms of psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is a method of dealing with frustration.
(From Wikepedia...., yeah that is how unoriginal this waste of a human bean is...)
I'm so fed up of life, love, friends... family. All of it seems so meaningless suddenly... I don't know what I'm doing here any more. And I talked to a couple of friends tonight....
One felt better because of me, or so he said and for all I know it's part of the general male propaganda to get into a females pants. And I don't really care either, but it just got me more confused on my perspectives.
The other, God... He drives me insane, all the time. And I don't know why I let him.
Last and so very definitely not least, he has been my friend for long, and he knows me so well, and hopefully has his life back on track - far enough to show me whats wrong with mine anyway...
And it's not that I haven't seen the road to recovery. It's not even hard to get there... although it's a challenge to keep going...
I don't even want to recover anymore. I'm so safe in this cycle of abuse.
It's not only addiction that's an abuse, abuse is an addiction as well.
Sick yeah, but true. Sick as is most of the truth in this world.
Sources of frustration may be internal or external. Internal sources of frustration involve personal deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations that prevent one from reaching a goal. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration when one has competing goals that interfere with one another. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside the person such as a blocked road, lack of money, or lack of sexual activity.
In terms of psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is a method of dealing with frustration.
(From Wikepedia...., yeah that is how unoriginal this waste of a human bean is...)
I'm so fed up of life, love, friends... family. All of it seems so meaningless suddenly... I don't know what I'm doing here any more. And I talked to a couple of friends tonight....
One felt better because of me, or so he said and for all I know it's part of the general male propaganda to get into a females pants. And I don't really care either, but it just got me more confused on my perspectives.
The other, God... He drives me insane, all the time. And I don't know why I let him.
Last and so very definitely not least, he has been my friend for long, and he knows me so well, and hopefully has his life back on track - far enough to show me whats wrong with mine anyway...
And it's not that I haven't seen the road to recovery. It's not even hard to get there... although it's a challenge to keep going...
I don't even want to recover anymore. I'm so safe in this cycle of abuse.
It's not only addiction that's an abuse, abuse is an addiction as well.
Sick yeah, but true. Sick as is most of the truth in this world.
Lhemekoa!!!
|
Was up to no good... and a friend gave me a piece of advice that inspired a very rare creation; ie a 'poem' from me... the NON POET! Okay it's pretty pathetic and it has all these baby rhyming patterns. But thats the beauty of it, simple...silly but honest.
Revenge
Now baby you'll remember my name
Brought you down when you were top of your game
I know that things can never be the same
But it was never 'bout the name or the fame
You should know by now, I'm not that lame
That was never part of my aim
And I accept my share of the blame
Your ego is all I seek to tame
Go ahead and take what you claim
Coz baby I've got no shame...
Revenge
Now baby you'll remember my name
Brought you down when you were top of your game
I know that things can never be the same
But it was never 'bout the name or the fame
You should know by now, I'm not that lame
That was never part of my aim
And I accept my share of the blame
Your ego is all I seek to tame
Go ahead and take what you claim
Coz baby I've got no shame...
Musing
|
"Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring....
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you.....summer wine"
Oooh ohhh..
Catchy tune... nice in the early morning. And it is a beautiful morning. It's a beautiful day to laze around and love... or lust, whatever you call it really.
Dunno... I'm strangely elated but don't ask me why, coz I really do not know. A general feeling of well being I suppose. Yes, I am aware I'm sounding more and more like some sort of dictionary/thesaurus (yeah, although I can't spell) ... but I just cannot explain this wierd phenomenon. Not that I'm complaining... just a bit err... confused - for lack of a better word.
You can stand under my umbrella.. ella ella eh eh eh eh e e ... :D Come into me... Gonna let the rain pour... I'll be all you need and more... When the sunshine shine, we'll shine together...
Oh by the way, scrolling up and down various blogs... This is the ARTICLE to LOOK AT... http://necrophagus.wordpress.com/2007/06/11/i-am-an-addict-sorry/ -- No doubt.. while you're at it, check Wonderwall as in the Ryan Adams version and look up Corrs live in Dublin (a small indoor show k?) 'When the stars go blue' Feat Bono - that is on youtube.com ... it's very cool, sweet even.
Maa gina kanthah jassaifi dho?
Thom aigns out...
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you.....summer wine"
Oooh ohhh..
Catchy tune... nice in the early morning. And it is a beautiful morning. It's a beautiful day to laze around and love... or lust, whatever you call it really.
Dunno... I'm strangely elated but don't ask me why, coz I really do not know. A general feeling of well being I suppose. Yes, I am aware I'm sounding more and more like some sort of dictionary/thesaurus (yeah, although I can't spell) ... but I just cannot explain this wierd phenomenon. Not that I'm complaining... just a bit err... confused - for lack of a better word.
You can stand under my umbrella.. ella ella eh eh eh eh e e ... :D Come into me... Gonna let the rain pour... I'll be all you need and more... When the sunshine shine, we'll shine together...
Oh by the way, scrolling up and down various blogs... This is the ARTICLE to LOOK AT... http://necrophagus.wordpress.com/2007/06/11/i-am-an-addict-sorry/ -- No doubt.. while you're at it, check Wonderwall as in the Ryan Adams version and look up Corrs live in Dublin (a small indoor show k?) 'When the stars go blue' Feat Bono - that is on youtube.com ... it's very cool, sweet even.
Maa gina kanthah jassaifi dho?
Thom aigns out...
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