Remembering Yesterday

All my posts are derived from personal experiences of my own, and of my friends... they stem from feelings that I have or have had... by memories... by dreams... by hopes... by emotions of all kinds, some that aren't too nice either. I've had people give me support... I've had people who thought that they brightened up their day (which are always the best things to hear) and I've had problems... In fact, I've had a lot of hate mail. What do I do with it? Sometimes I stare, I always read... and then usually I delete. Simply because, yes, I'm not really strong enough to deal with that shit. The worst is when I've lost friends over rash things I've said or opinions I've expressed. Maybe they weren't really friends, I don't know, I'll never know. But it hurt... anyway...
A friend of mine has this on his pm 'never regret anything that made you smile'. For some reason today I noticed it, as in really noticed it. This is not about that person or anything to do with him. Just that today, that pm really caught me. And I've seen it before, even spoken about it with him. But today it just... irritated me. No actually it simply pissed me off.
I don't believe in that. I think sometimes we simply smile and enjoy ourselves and forget about the people around us. People who love us, people who have sacrificed their time and energy to make us smile. And we simply enjoy the smile and forget the moment. I've made this mistake a fair share of times, and honestly... not realising this was what made me unhappy. I was too self involved to care about the people who took their time to try and keep me satisfied. Sometimes I said society wanted me to perform a particular way, sometimes I said I couldn't trust no one. I came up with excuses, I said I had problems. And we all do... we all suffer, that is the nature of humanity. Yet there are people who take time out of their worlds to ensure we get our share of smiles. And we forget that.
I think having regrets help balance the scale. If you don't regret your mistakes, you will never be able to correct them. Because, clearly, they don't matter to you. I regret spending huge amounts of time crying over someone(s) who was(were) too self involved to see me standing there. I regret that I wasted all that time when I should have been there for my mom. I regret it had me so confused that I wasn't able to concentrate on my own damned career, that my father invested so much time into. When my other Mom (who'd probably read this - btw congrats again!) kept reminding me to... I regret not being myself simply because other people had changed. I regret ending up being one of those typical stupid chicks (that I love making fun of) who trailed around in mistake after mistake, after all the wrong guys... and all the wrong habits. I make it sound ugly...but every single time, what I was really doing was chasing a smile. A smile which was al that remained of a memory that had faded away and revealed a mistake. Something I should have learned to regret.
Thank god I stopped smiling. I also stopped crying. I think I've learnt to regret and keep myself grounded. Now I'm smiling again. Really smiling again. And I really think that this time it isn't a clouded smile... It's a smile of someone that remembers those who matter, things who matter ... remembers her mistakes, regrets them, has paid and in some ways is still paying for them - but no matter what, is grateful that she's been rewarded with the ability to 'smile nevertheless'...



(And she's got a new reason to smile, and giggle too.. and he, oops I mean.. everythings just great ;) - I'm so darned corny... anyways wish me luck with the smiling and all! )