Aitheriiiii
Miadhaa iyye aa ma mihiree hamaga ehnoon... nooney mashaigen nethee hama ekaku ves. Konmeves eggotheh....Balaa eh kurukoh dhannavanyaa...bodu balaaeh
'Kaaku niyaavee?'
Uhun ekahala kameh noon.
'Kaaku mifaharu loaabeege jessumeh kuree?'
Eyeh ves noonoa!
Neyngunennu...
Eyey massala akee, hama egothakah ves mashakah neyngey miadhu mi vaagotheh, ma hama mihuree govaafa. Sikundeega haas suvaalu enburey... bumarekey mashekey kobaa dho thafaatheh. Eyey...
Hoon miyohgen au ahareh fesheny mashakah ufaleh ves kuraakah neyngey. Kon ufaleh...
Anehhen balanyaa hageegathuga folhen vee ingey ahama, e soru ves mi rashah annanamey kiyaa viyya. Annaaney kiyaigen fupeema naisiyyaa oa? Hiy halaaku. Kon hiy halaakeh ekamu... ihah dhuvahu fenunu golaeh...hoon, dhen mashah kihineh tha miyoh gen vanee... (loabi ey vaa etcheh noon vevey etcheh, ehenveema mashah thui nugovaa hurey ingey)
Dhen ufaleh ves nuveyo...
Ma ekamu dhera vaan vee kon kamakaa, ailaa ah vaavarah boa fathi migeyga gina vejje hama nulaahiku halaboli vefa haijaanu bodu vefa habeyhah majaa, adugadha... Hiy fureyvarah kaan libey, aneheneh masakatheh noavey, ma miulheny adhi fothegga ai jassaanulaa... meehaku kaharu vaku thundekey ves hithakah naaraane dho.
Ma vejje kuda vaan... loabi velan... ma beynumee nidhan... mamma! :( :S
In memory
|
Manjekolhaa...
It's one year since you've been gone... and I still can't believe you aren't here anymore. I can't begin to explain to you how much I miss you every day... how much I wish I could speak to you again and hug you again. My 'human' diary... my savior, my partner-in-crime... and my best friend in the whole world.
You were just so so so young...... I wish it had been me and I'm not just saying empty words here. I would give anything to have you back, even for a day. I'm going to be the very same age in less than a month now. Just like you were... we had many hopes and dreams... and you had so much in life to look forward to.
You would have met the man of your dreams like we talked about so many times, I'm sure. You would have passed your finals... I would have helped you get all those A's you dreamed of. You were the sister I never had... God... why, why did you leave me...
The past year, has been so hard without you. I tried my best not to think about you. Finally, all barriers down, beaten and broken I write to you and the tears wont stop streaming down. I did so many things you would hate me for... I was so confused and messed up. I told you I wouldn't know what to do without you...
I gave it all for everyone you told me didn't deserve my friendship... I chose the bastard over the guy who had loved me for so long... everything went downhill, babe I'm sorry I did everything so wrong. Mom and me never got along... and Dad was too ashamed to talk to me. I had no one to confess to... and I needed you. I needed you to tell me everything would be fine. That I was not completely hopeless.
If you saw me today, you wouldn't recognise me... I'm not the happy, cheerful person I once was. I doubt you would like the hard, cold, broken person I have become. I'm sorry ingey so sorry... hama life mihaaru ulhey hivvareh ves nuhunnanee... you taught me to live life with arms wide open... but I can't... I've been battered down by the storms... I haven't laughed freely for such a long time...
I can no longer trust and I can no longer bring my self to express emotion. I know my own family need me... but I ... it's hard although I love them with all my heart. Or what's left of it anyway...God, haven't cried so much in a long long time.
You never met my sister, I'm so sorry I know I promised to so many times...She's gorgeous and the love of my life, you would adore her I'm sure...Atleast where ever you are, you have your sisters away. I don't know how your Mom survived the loss of three beautiful girls though... I just don't... but she is Insha Allah as strong as you were...
How I wish I had taught you to swim... I know it might have made no difference...how I wish I had said goodbye... I didn't know that the moment you stepped on that stupid boat I would never see you again. I wish I said sorry about our pointless arguments. I know you just wanted the best for me. You were so right, always about everything...
Everyone's putting a damn flower emoticon in their nick names on msn messenger today as a tribute to the Tsunami victims. I thought about but how pointless is that eh? It's not going to bring you back. Not going to change a thing. Not going to make me feel any better. Not that you will know. So why bother babe? Why?
You mother misses you so much, my mother misses you so much... I miss you more than anyone ever could. When I go to sleep I still look around for you. It doesn't feel right that we're not in the same room anymore. I miss you when I'm in the kitchen cooking everything how you taught me to... I miss you whenever I hear the songs we used 'shake our booty to' heheh... I miss you. I miss you. I need you in my life.
You were the purest, happiest, sweetest part if my life. The most wonderful person I have ever met. My guardian angel... you knew my whole life like a book, inside out... remember how we said we would write each other a biography one day... I swear, someday I will honor your memory as such. But we had so much more to write... so much more in your life to come... Why are things so unfair?
You deserved to live much more than I did. I was the bad girl, you were the saint... innocent and sin-free though older... I almost stopped praying you know. Lost direction for a while. Insh Allah, I'm patching up now. Healing takes so long... and is so painful in a million ways...
You are always in my thoughts. You are still alive in my heart. I have only one picture of the both of us... don't ask me where the rest are, you know our house... but that's more than enough. I can close my eyes and it's like you are right there infront of me. I always told you you had the prettiest hair... the most beautiful twinkling eyes and the most gorgeous smile, stunning...
You are always in my prayers. God bless...
I love you.
It's one year since you've been gone... and I still can't believe you aren't here anymore. I can't begin to explain to you how much I miss you every day... how much I wish I could speak to you again and hug you again. My 'human' diary... my savior, my partner-in-crime... and my best friend in the whole world.
You were just so so so young...... I wish it had been me and I'm not just saying empty words here. I would give anything to have you back, even for a day. I'm going to be the very same age in less than a month now. Just like you were... we had many hopes and dreams... and you had so much in life to look forward to.
You would have met the man of your dreams like we talked about so many times, I'm sure. You would have passed your finals... I would have helped you get all those A's you dreamed of. You were the sister I never had... God... why, why did you leave me...
The past year, has been so hard without you. I tried my best not to think about you. Finally, all barriers down, beaten and broken I write to you and the tears wont stop streaming down. I did so many things you would hate me for... I was so confused and messed up. I told you I wouldn't know what to do without you...
I gave it all for everyone you told me didn't deserve my friendship... I chose the bastard over the guy who had loved me for so long... everything went downhill, babe I'm sorry I did everything so wrong. Mom and me never got along... and Dad was too ashamed to talk to me. I had no one to confess to... and I needed you. I needed you to tell me everything would be fine. That I was not completely hopeless.
If you saw me today, you wouldn't recognise me... I'm not the happy, cheerful person I once was. I doubt you would like the hard, cold, broken person I have become. I'm sorry ingey so sorry... hama life mihaaru ulhey hivvareh ves nuhunnanee... you taught me to live life with arms wide open... but I can't... I've been battered down by the storms... I haven't laughed freely for such a long time...
I can no longer trust and I can no longer bring my self to express emotion. I know my own family need me... but I ... it's hard although I love them with all my heart. Or what's left of it anyway...God, haven't cried so much in a long long time.
You never met my sister, I'm so sorry I know I promised to so many times...She's gorgeous and the love of my life, you would adore her I'm sure...Atleast where ever you are, you have your sisters away. I don't know how your Mom survived the loss of three beautiful girls though... I just don't... but she is Insha Allah as strong as you were...
How I wish I had taught you to swim... I know it might have made no difference...how I wish I had said goodbye... I didn't know that the moment you stepped on that stupid boat I would never see you again. I wish I said sorry about our pointless arguments. I know you just wanted the best for me. You were so right, always about everything...
Everyone's putting a damn flower emoticon in their nick names on msn messenger today as a tribute to the Tsunami victims. I thought about but how pointless is that eh? It's not going to bring you back. Not going to change a thing. Not going to make me feel any better. Not that you will know. So why bother babe? Why?
You mother misses you so much, my mother misses you so much... I miss you more than anyone ever could. When I go to sleep I still look around for you. It doesn't feel right that we're not in the same room anymore. I miss you when I'm in the kitchen cooking everything how you taught me to... I miss you whenever I hear the songs we used 'shake our booty to' heheh... I miss you. I miss you. I need you in my life.
You were the purest, happiest, sweetest part if my life. The most wonderful person I have ever met. My guardian angel... you knew my whole life like a book, inside out... remember how we said we would write each other a biography one day... I swear, someday I will honor your memory as such. But we had so much more to write... so much more in your life to come... Why are things so unfair?
You deserved to live much more than I did. I was the bad girl, you were the saint... innocent and sin-free though older... I almost stopped praying you know. Lost direction for a while. Insh Allah, I'm patching up now. Healing takes so long... and is so painful in a million ways...
You are always in my thoughts. You are still alive in my heart. I have only one picture of the both of us... don't ask me where the rest are, you know our house... but that's more than enough. I can close my eyes and it's like you are right there infront of me. I always told you you had the prettiest hair... the most beautiful twinkling eyes and the most gorgeous smile, stunning...
You are always in my prayers. God bless...
I love you.
Music
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What most people these days don't realise that real music cannot be created from a combination of a electronic keyboard, pad set and a computer to mix it all up. What ever happened to the deletable and utterly melodies?
Slight adjustment in the embouchure of flute players lips can produce the most seductive tones, plucking strings on the right frets can feel like he's strumming your heart with his fingers, the rich tones of a trumpet can form goose bumps all over you, how an opera singer can coax tear after tear from your eyes.
Every one has experienced it... the power of music and the effect it can have on millions of people simultaneously. If I'm sounding slightly melodramatic, consider this. Musical notes, and the composition of music even in it's most complex format is the one and only universal language in existence. The way you write a musical score doesn't vary from country to country or continent to continent, and someone in Germany can perform a Japanese composition if he has the right skill and talent - no sweat.
What is most facinating about music though, I find is how it can sway your emotions. I mean, it's true, music tastes do differ but generally it brings about the exact reaction it was formulated to by the artist(s). Take the average SlipKnot song which is packed with anger and frustration to the very core, climaxing to let all the fury out with an awesome set of rolls and guitar slams... draws out these exact emotions in the millions of fans worldwide. No real explanation why.
On the other hand, the song 'A Whole New World' backed by an effective orchestral arrangement, with a good strings and wood wind selection, I'm betting would touch every audience member present. The song is one thats full of hope and joy and love... and thats exactly what it will sound like.
I seriously disagree with the religious implications people associate against the creation and performance of music performing. Although it is understandable that the typical MTV video with women gyrating all over the place may not be exactly a good influence on the society, that's not music is it? It's just the commercial corruption in the industry fueled by businessmen looking to make cash, not really interested anything musical at all.
Music is more than a practically nude girl trying to act all sexy... more than some boy sitting there looking all pretty, more than just a drumset and heavy bass (nothing against that though). I think people need to rememeber that.
Slight adjustment in the embouchure of flute players lips can produce the most seductive tones, plucking strings on the right frets can feel like he's strumming your heart with his fingers, the rich tones of a trumpet can form goose bumps all over you, how an opera singer can coax tear after tear from your eyes.
Every one has experienced it... the power of music and the effect it can have on millions of people simultaneously. If I'm sounding slightly melodramatic, consider this. Musical notes, and the composition of music even in it's most complex format is the one and only universal language in existence. The way you write a musical score doesn't vary from country to country or continent to continent, and someone in Germany can perform a Japanese composition if he has the right skill and talent - no sweat.
What is most facinating about music though, I find is how it can sway your emotions. I mean, it's true, music tastes do differ but generally it brings about the exact reaction it was formulated to by the artist(s). Take the average SlipKnot song which is packed with anger and frustration to the very core, climaxing to let all the fury out with an awesome set of rolls and guitar slams... draws out these exact emotions in the millions of fans worldwide. No real explanation why.
On the other hand, the song 'A Whole New World' backed by an effective orchestral arrangement, with a good strings and wood wind selection, I'm betting would touch every audience member present. The song is one thats full of hope and joy and love... and thats exactly what it will sound like.
I seriously disagree with the religious implications people associate against the creation and performance of music performing. Although it is understandable that the typical MTV video with women gyrating all over the place may not be exactly a good influence on the society, that's not music is it? It's just the commercial corruption in the industry fueled by businessmen looking to make cash, not really interested anything musical at all.
Music is more than a practically nude girl trying to act all sexy... more than some boy sitting there looking all pretty, more than just a drumset and heavy bass (nothing against that though). I think people need to rememeber that.
Jah.
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I'm not into the dreads (but they look damn sexy on some guys), I think reggae is chilled and fantastic, I do not believe in weed (although it suffices to fuel a good joke once in a while), I think red, green and yellow do look good together but I have no fetish to do with the combination. So why do I think Bob Marley is fantastic?
Because he was a fighter. And he did exactly what he wanted to do. Fuck America. (Personal little issue coming up there, please feel free to totally ignore my attitude towards the great nation *grin* but if you agree then cool, lets move on).
I thought this was pretty cool...
Proceeding to quote the king...da man....
“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?”
None of us are dho?
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”
We could all use more of that inspiration.
“Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!”
We all have our own demons we need to exorcise...what better solution eh? (Confuing though, coz he did say 'No woman no cry!)
“Get up, stand up Stand up for your rights Get up, stand up Never give up the fight.”
There is nothing wrong with fighting for what you believe in. (One thing though, so what happens when you believe in say... white superiority i.e. KKK?)
“I don't stand for the black man's side, I don't stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side”
“I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car.”
And yes, there is a reasonable excuse for just about everything in life.
“The harder the battle the sweet of jah victory.”
Need I say a word...
“The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.”
Errr...Um...
“Rise O fallen fighters, rise and take your stance again, He who fight and run away, live to fight another day”
Nice. Na?
“Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”
Amen! Hee hee...
“No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor will we bow neither can be bought or sold”
The determination he possessed...
“Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally discredited and abandoned...WAR! So that is prophecy, and everyone know that is truth. And it came out of the mouth of Rastafari.
“Rastafari not a culture, it's a reality.”
The whole point was to fight for freedom, liberation, independance, human rights... that is a fight worth dying for.
So how does one become a Rastafarian? You don't, of course. "Die and be born again. As a Rastafarian"
“Bob Marley isn't my name. I don't even know my name yet.”
I thought that was so cool. I do not have any clue as to why.
“Jah will never give the power to a baldhead!”
Sorry Dad. I guess that explains a lot.
“The stone that the builder refused to lay should always be the head corners stone. You're a builder baby; here I am a stone.”
Why am I freaking obsessed with a weed junkie? Cuz he was a strong man, a powerful man and despite controvery and criticism, he never once wavered... he was a strange politician, but he sought change and he brought change. Fuck the critics coz he was right. He is immortal. His words live in our hearts. We still sing his songs, we keep passing the message.
Fascinating medium, music. Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
“Tell the children the truth”
Love that one. Love that guy. Love that story.
You getting the drift I'm bored? Nah... I liked reading that shit.
Let me just lay back and watch the cows fly by... Don't worry... be happy :D
Because he was a fighter. And he did exactly what he wanted to do. Fuck America. (Personal little issue coming up there, please feel free to totally ignore my attitude towards the great nation *grin* but if you agree then cool, lets move on).
I thought this was pretty cool...
Proceeding to quote the king...da man....
“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?”
None of us are dho?
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”
We could all use more of that inspiration.
“Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!”
We all have our own demons we need to exorcise...what better solution eh? (Confuing though, coz he did say 'No woman no cry!)
“Get up, stand up Stand up for your rights Get up, stand up Never give up the fight.”
There is nothing wrong with fighting for what you believe in. (One thing though, so what happens when you believe in say... white superiority i.e. KKK?)
“I don't stand for the black man's side, I don't stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side”
“I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car.”
And yes, there is a reasonable excuse for just about everything in life.
“The harder the battle the sweet of jah victory.”
Need I say a word...
“The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.”
Errr...Um...
“Rise O fallen fighters, rise and take your stance again, He who fight and run away, live to fight another day”
Nice. Na?
“Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”
Amen! Hee hee...
“No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor will we bow neither can be bought or sold”
The determination he possessed...
“Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally discredited and abandoned...WAR! So that is prophecy, and everyone know that is truth. And it came out of the mouth of Rastafari.
“Rastafari not a culture, it's a reality.”
The whole point was to fight for freedom, liberation, independance, human rights... that is a fight worth dying for.
So how does one become a Rastafarian? You don't, of course. "Die and be born again. As a Rastafarian"
“Bob Marley isn't my name. I don't even know my name yet.”
I thought that was so cool. I do not have any clue as to why.
“Jah will never give the power to a baldhead!”
Sorry Dad. I guess that explains a lot.
“The stone that the builder refused to lay should always be the head corners stone. You're a builder baby; here I am a stone.”
Why am I freaking obsessed with a weed junkie? Cuz he was a strong man, a powerful man and despite controvery and criticism, he never once wavered... he was a strange politician, but he sought change and he brought change. Fuck the critics coz he was right. He is immortal. His words live in our hearts. We still sing his songs, we keep passing the message.
Fascinating medium, music. Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
“Tell the children the truth”
Love that one. Love that guy. Love that story.
You getting the drift I'm bored? Nah... I liked reading that shit.
Let me just lay back and watch the cows fly by... Don't worry... be happy :D
The last time I thought
|
Ever wondered why people harm themselves? I have. Experimentation may not be such a bad thing you know. If you live to tell the tale...
And if you do, you spend every minute of your life reliving it...for the regret, or the glory. You've come face to face with death. You are never the same.
The point is that everyone is hurt inside. We are all lonely...and searching for love. To be loved. And to love. There is not one single living human being who has the right to discriminate against another for any fucking reason, in any fucking way.
.......
I didn't mean to take the first pill. The throbbing in my head was unbearable... I wanted it to stop, to leave me in peace. The first swallow was easy. Insignificant. No effect obviously, yet anyway. It was driving me crazy, it had to stop, I was stumbling around, my emotions were insane and tumbling between extremes. I took one more. And another. And another. I lost count, but with a 20 pill sachet, must've been like 15 minimum. My world was spinning. What I was doing kicked in.
A series of thoughts... who the fuck cares... this might be the easiest way out. Fastest way out, yeah. Happier for the rest of the world. Yeah...
Followed by... Shit, I don't want to die like this. I don't want my Mom to go insane, because of me. No, I don't want to give up. I don't want my Dad to look back and think he's ashamed of me.
I crawled my way to the stairs and tried to scream for someone, anyone. Now, with the tears blurring and my thoughts out of control and the drugs weaking me I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I fell down the stairs... too numb to feel any pain.
My aunt rushed out of the kitchen. 'What the hell's going on?'
'Kokko you ok?'
'What the...'
She clutches the empty packet. 'Don't tell me you...'
Tears filled her eyes. 'No...it's not that bad is it. Oh, I hate you for this. I hate you so much'
She hugs me and lifted me, I was limp and barely consicious. 'Dhontha!'
Her husband came running in, my mom in close pursuit. 'Eyyy!'
'Balaaennu. Gendhebala eyna matchah. Mamma, bavaanee fahun, aan eyna habeyha beys boegen eyothee. Reethi vejjenu.'
My uncle 'Lonufenboandhee. Hodu lavvabala'
A girl runs up with a glass of salt water from the salt water tap. Oh yum. They shoved it down the throat.
'Acheedi'
I threw up all over the place. Couldn't care less.
'Kaleyakah nethey etchekey kiyey kah'
Fine...
I spent the whole night, shivering, sweating and convulsing... the back arching... the stuff that had gotten into my system was messing me up bad. I didn't want to die... fucking hell... I didn't want to die like this.
I calmed down a few hours after sunrise. The whole experience shook me up bad. I was shaking for the rest of the day. Even as I sat down to do my GCSE Papers, and as I wrote down answers that contained logic far beyond myself (and probably the examiner'd understanding as well) my whole body shook.
A day later though, I was partying and laughing. Who knew? Who cared. My parent's thought I was studying. Like hell. The last thing I wanted to do was think.
Look what happened the last time I did...
I'm not writing this because I don't have an ounce of eeman therikan, or moral fibre or whatever, because I do. I wish people could view things from another perspective rather than stereotype every one and every situation. The way they wre 'programmed' to do.
I would never try to kill myself because I have found reason to live, but some people are not that lucky. It's not fair to them or their memory to dismiss their death with cruel words. It was a sacrifice we are meant to learn from, that we need each other, people need people. Wish they realised that people are too selfish to give a fuck.
Trouble is though... if that truly happened I have a funny feeling I wouldn't tell any one.I would just lie there.... and await my fate. Worrying, isn't it?
And if you do, you spend every minute of your life reliving it...for the regret, or the glory. You've come face to face with death. You are never the same.
The point is that everyone is hurt inside. We are all lonely...and searching for love. To be loved. And to love. There is not one single living human being who has the right to discriminate against another for any fucking reason, in any fucking way.
.......
I didn't mean to take the first pill. The throbbing in my head was unbearable... I wanted it to stop, to leave me in peace. The first swallow was easy. Insignificant. No effect obviously, yet anyway. It was driving me crazy, it had to stop, I was stumbling around, my emotions were insane and tumbling between extremes. I took one more. And another. And another. I lost count, but with a 20 pill sachet, must've been like 15 minimum. My world was spinning. What I was doing kicked in.
A series of thoughts... who the fuck cares... this might be the easiest way out. Fastest way out, yeah. Happier for the rest of the world. Yeah...
Followed by... Shit, I don't want to die like this. I don't want my Mom to go insane, because of me. No, I don't want to give up. I don't want my Dad to look back and think he's ashamed of me.
I crawled my way to the stairs and tried to scream for someone, anyone. Now, with the tears blurring and my thoughts out of control and the drugs weaking me I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I fell down the stairs... too numb to feel any pain.
My aunt rushed out of the kitchen. 'What the hell's going on?'
'Kokko you ok?'
'What the...'
She clutches the empty packet. 'Don't tell me you...'
Tears filled her eyes. 'No...it's not that bad is it. Oh, I hate you for this. I hate you so much'
She hugs me and lifted me, I was limp and barely consicious. 'Dhontha!'
Her husband came running in, my mom in close pursuit. 'Eyyy!'
'Balaaennu. Gendhebala eyna matchah. Mamma, bavaanee fahun, aan eyna habeyha beys boegen eyothee. Reethi vejjenu.'
My uncle 'Lonufenboandhee. Hodu lavvabala'
A girl runs up with a glass of salt water from the salt water tap. Oh yum. They shoved it down the throat.
'Acheedi'
I threw up all over the place. Couldn't care less.
'Kaleyakah nethey etchekey kiyey kah'
Fine...
I spent the whole night, shivering, sweating and convulsing... the back arching... the stuff that had gotten into my system was messing me up bad. I didn't want to die... fucking hell... I didn't want to die like this.
I calmed down a few hours after sunrise. The whole experience shook me up bad. I was shaking for the rest of the day. Even as I sat down to do my GCSE Papers, and as I wrote down answers that contained logic far beyond myself (and probably the examiner'd understanding as well) my whole body shook.
A day later though, I was partying and laughing. Who knew? Who cared. My parent's thought I was studying. Like hell. The last thing I wanted to do was think.
Look what happened the last time I did...
I'm not writing this because I don't have an ounce of eeman therikan, or moral fibre or whatever, because I do. I wish people could view things from another perspective rather than stereotype every one and every situation. The way they wre 'programmed' to do.
I would never try to kill myself because I have found reason to live, but some people are not that lucky. It's not fair to them or their memory to dismiss their death with cruel words. It was a sacrifice we are meant to learn from, that we need each other, people need people. Wish they realised that people are too selfish to give a fuck.
Trouble is though... if that truly happened I have a funny feeling I wouldn't tell any one.I would just lie there.... and await my fate. Worrying, isn't it?
Split the bean into two, and that'll fascinate you even more
|
I lowered my face quickly, and a slow steady smile spread across my face. My pupils zoomed from corner to corner n my eyes and did a millisecond scan of the place. Coast clear. I couldn't hold it any longer, just reached out and touched it once, once more, and again. Yesssss... the pleasure I felt was beyond anything I could have ever dreamt of.
I grabbed it off the shelf and crept towards the counter. Fuck them, the don't know shit. I deserve this, I need this. I dodged around the cameras and salesmen with somewhat impressive expertise. I scanned it. Slammed the card in. Legal. And I was done.
Stepping outside, I took it out, caressed it and drank in the odour... satisfying my olfactory glands. I peeled the layers. Never before have I seen anything so beautiful. I licked it... and I loved it all the way through. Then Cadbury failed it's test of immortality and alas, my pleasure was over. Finito.
Aha.. aha.. yesh... hot tune playing in ma head. Burithalhuvaa genre ingey... Obinoaveyyyyy... SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... Man, I haven't seen a guy so long, the Lion in Narnia turned me on. That just might be a fetish though... Mmm... Rastaman vibrations yeah *wink* positive vibrations...
Betcha think I fit in eh. Slightly wierder... but hell... just another horny teen. Just another worthless, directionless idiot who hasn't seen life and what it's all really about. Parties, and people and all that social activity is all that revolves around in my blonde, bimboistic head. But of course it is... while all that may be true and I refuse to argue any further, lets take a peep into what's really going on in my head.
You know how life suckx, ALL THE TIME? Eventually, you build a wall to it. You get over it. You're fine... until the next missile hits right on the dot, everything crumbles down aand you, my friend are back at square one. Clueless, insecure and bloody scared. As I am, right now.
I fail to see the point of picking myself up and carrying on. I'm not telepathic, I don't see into the future and I'm no fucking astronomer but I what happens is inevitable.
I hate my life. I hate my family. I hate everyone for putting me through this shit. Friends who want money... Guys who just want to get into your pussy. The world's fucking full of them and they're found at seriously concentrated level in my life. Betrayal, lies, saving your own ass. Thats what its all about. Suck your way to the top ladies, that's the only way to get there. The world's full of loosers and egomaniacs. I'm not a victim... I'm one of them. I play the game, because I need to survive. Admit it you do too. Selfless acts? Bloody hell they are, everyone just does it for benefits gained.
I thought everything was sugar and candy once, and I learnt that reality bites - the hard way. I don't want anyone else to fight and have their soul be crushed inside them. So live with it... and become one of everyone or you'll die inside.
Because even if you're still breathing, and you're still smiling and all the world will ever see or hear is your sweet smile and laughing voice, if your spirit's dead and every day and night hold no meaning for you, then your life is not worth living. God have mercy on your soul...
I grabbed it off the shelf and crept towards the counter. Fuck them, the don't know shit. I deserve this, I need this. I dodged around the cameras and salesmen with somewhat impressive expertise. I scanned it. Slammed the card in. Legal. And I was done.
Stepping outside, I took it out, caressed it and drank in the odour... satisfying my olfactory glands. I peeled the layers. Never before have I seen anything so beautiful. I licked it... and I loved it all the way through. Then Cadbury failed it's test of immortality and alas, my pleasure was over. Finito.
Aha.. aha.. yesh... hot tune playing in ma head. Burithalhuvaa genre ingey... Obinoaveyyyyy... SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... Man, I haven't seen a guy so long, the Lion in Narnia turned me on. That just might be a fetish though... Mmm... Rastaman vibrations yeah *wink* positive vibrations...
Betcha think I fit in eh. Slightly wierder... but hell... just another horny teen. Just another worthless, directionless idiot who hasn't seen life and what it's all really about. Parties, and people and all that social activity is all that revolves around in my blonde, bimboistic head. But of course it is... while all that may be true and I refuse to argue any further, lets take a peep into what's really going on in my head.
You know how life suckx, ALL THE TIME? Eventually, you build a wall to it. You get over it. You're fine... until the next missile hits right on the dot, everything crumbles down aand you, my friend are back at square one. Clueless, insecure and bloody scared. As I am, right now.
I fail to see the point of picking myself up and carrying on. I'm not telepathic, I don't see into the future and I'm no fucking astronomer but I what happens is inevitable.
I hate my life. I hate my family. I hate everyone for putting me through this shit. Friends who want money... Guys who just want to get into your pussy. The world's fucking full of them and they're found at seriously concentrated level in my life. Betrayal, lies, saving your own ass. Thats what its all about. Suck your way to the top ladies, that's the only way to get there. The world's full of loosers and egomaniacs. I'm not a victim... I'm one of them. I play the game, because I need to survive. Admit it you do too. Selfless acts? Bloody hell they are, everyone just does it for benefits gained.
I thought everything was sugar and candy once, and I learnt that reality bites - the hard way. I don't want anyone else to fight and have their soul be crushed inside them. So live with it... and become one of everyone or you'll die inside.
Because even if you're still breathing, and you're still smiling and all the world will ever see or hear is your sweet smile and laughing voice, if your spirit's dead and every day and night hold no meaning for you, then your life is not worth living. God have mercy on your soul...
I want to go home. Where is home?
|
Once upon a time in a far away distant land there lived a girl. A girl, who loved. Her greatness weakness was striving to please others. What caused her most pain was the failure to do so. And then friends came along convincing her they loved her as much. Overjoyed, she showered them with all her attention and loved with all in her heart, body, mind and soul. Sadly, she got nothing in return...but she didn't mind that at all. What hurt her was that they took away the one thing she had ever wanted...Only they could have known how much she had wanted that one happiness.
Hurt and bruised she wandered the lands. Searching for something... someone... no idea where she was headed, no idea what she was looking for. A quest to discover the world she was in, to answer a million questions in her head and to get to know herself a little better.
She stopped by an oasis, and quenched her thirst before continuing her journey across. A short distance later, she realised the oasis had been her only satisfaction for so long... and turned back to try and return to that tranquil state of mind she had experienced but when she turned around it had already disappeared. Once more, she was lost...
She fantasized about her death... the end of her problems, numb her pain. Soon a little thought became an obsession and when she couldn't take it any longer, she found solace and sanctuary in a sharp, deadly dagger. It buried deep into her heart and covered her in warm crimson.
And she died, happily ever after.
Hurt and bruised she wandered the lands. Searching for something... someone... no idea where she was headed, no idea what she was looking for. A quest to discover the world she was in, to answer a million questions in her head and to get to know herself a little better.
She stopped by an oasis, and quenched her thirst before continuing her journey across. A short distance later, she realised the oasis had been her only satisfaction for so long... and turned back to try and return to that tranquil state of mind she had experienced but when she turned around it had already disappeared. Once more, she was lost...
She fantasized about her death... the end of her problems, numb her pain. Soon a little thought became an obsession and when she couldn't take it any longer, she found solace and sanctuary in a sharp, deadly dagger. It buried deep into her heart and covered her in warm crimson.
And she died, happily ever after.
Sorted. But of course.
|
Run away with my heart
Run away with my soul
Run away with my whole...
Yesterday fucking sucked. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
Everything I didn't want to discuss I ended up explaining in detail.
All the things I wanted to avoid, I came face to face with...
Ah well, I cannot keep walking away from my troubles.
You think WWII was a mess? Welcome to my life... the battles are neverending.
The Maldivian (twisted and incredibly hypocritical) society thrives on scandalous gossip, regardless of the extensive damage caused to it's victims. Females in particular are targetted and criticised for what are considered grave errors in etiquette (in itself a varying factor).
I hang out with guys mostly. And guys move in packs. Thus I move in a pack (uh uh, da female gangsta...). I just enjoy their company over most females. I neither ask from them nor perform for them any of the exotic sexual favors I have been rumored to. I can choose my company they say, if I can accept to consequences of being judged by their behavoir. Yeah, thats cool with me. They're loud and shameless, they cuss and smoke (some weed but I ain't into that), brag about sexual adventures that never happened and fantasize about all...everything with a pussy basically - but hey, they ARE male.
Maybe not the best thing for a single and looking female to be associated with? Agreed. So where does the 'she has a tendency to gang bang...she plays porn videos...' etc fit in? So not part of the deal. Farting in public might have been a better accusation (still FALSE) because hell yeah, these guys (and all men in general) tend to indulge in this activity 24/7 regardless of place and company. I'm sure none of them are, or are likely to become porn stars. Yet my association with them provokes this discussion?
CRAZY MALDIVIANS.
They have sites dedicated to posting random pics of gals and guys on the net aimlessly, without reason of any sort. My people are bored people. Come to Maldives for holiday, it's paradise on earth! Come to live here though, you'll be commiting suicide in less than a month.
Romeo and Juliet/DhonHiyala and Alifulhu/Laila and Majnoon/Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal/Beauty and the Beast/Aladdin and Jasmine/Simba and Nala/Cleopatra and Anthony/Bush and Terrorism/Maumoon and Power... as you like it, really... why is it always the two in the story? Add a few more for confusion and frustration and reality. Nothing is ever clear cut in life. Why should the right man/woman be?
Infact, I often find myself fancying more than one guy... I don't see anything wrong with it. Until of course, I've led them both on and I can't decide who or what I want. Selfish eh? Oh that's life. Natural selection baby, the female chooses her mate. Get over it.
Anyway... man (a) sweet, sincere, doesn't smoke <damn...bummer>, cute, plays guitar > = probably long lasting relationship
man (b) hot, sexy, smokes, into hiphop culture, funny and a bit of 'badboy' <ooh la la! adorable ...irrisistable> mixed in with the classic mama's boy <awww> = we (the boy lovers) all wanna tame that wild man don't we? Want them to fall for us, long and hard with plenty of passion and considerable tenderness but still fuck us like tigers. Yea, that's the truth. Obviously, seriously complicated and risky. (Forbidden fruit allure...)
man (c) mysterious, more accesible, funny... quite possibly hot <ie. reetchakah nufeney>
WTF do I do???
Aaaa... the complexities of life. Ladies, you know what I mean.
Run away with my soul
Run away with my whole...
Yesterday fucking sucked. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
Everything I didn't want to discuss I ended up explaining in detail.
All the things I wanted to avoid, I came face to face with...
Ah well, I cannot keep walking away from my troubles.
You think WWII was a mess? Welcome to my life... the battles are neverending.
The Maldivian (twisted and incredibly hypocritical) society thrives on scandalous gossip, regardless of the extensive damage caused to it's victims. Females in particular are targetted and criticised for what are considered grave errors in etiquette (in itself a varying factor).
I hang out with guys mostly. And guys move in packs. Thus I move in a pack (uh uh, da female gangsta...). I just enjoy their company over most females. I neither ask from them nor perform for them any of the exotic sexual favors I have been rumored to. I can choose my company they say, if I can accept to consequences of being judged by their behavoir. Yeah, thats cool with me. They're loud and shameless, they cuss and smoke (some weed but I ain't into that), brag about sexual adventures that never happened and fantasize about all...everything with a pussy basically - but hey, they ARE male.
Maybe not the best thing for a single and looking female to be associated with? Agreed. So where does the 'she has a tendency to gang bang...she plays porn videos...' etc fit in? So not part of the deal. Farting in public might have been a better accusation (still FALSE) because hell yeah, these guys (and all men in general) tend to indulge in this activity 24/7 regardless of place and company. I'm sure none of them are, or are likely to become porn stars. Yet my association with them provokes this discussion?
CRAZY MALDIVIANS.
They have sites dedicated to posting random pics of gals and guys on the net aimlessly, without reason of any sort. My people are bored people. Come to Maldives for holiday, it's paradise on earth! Come to live here though, you'll be commiting suicide in less than a month.
Romeo and Juliet/DhonHiyala and Alifulhu/Laila and Majnoon/Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal/Beauty and the Beast/Aladdin and Jasmine/Simba and Nala/Cleopatra and Anthony/Bush and Terrorism/Maumoon and Power... as you like it, really... why is it always the two in the story? Add a few more for confusion and frustration and reality. Nothing is ever clear cut in life. Why should the right man/woman be?
Infact, I often find myself fancying more than one guy... I don't see anything wrong with it. Until of course, I've led them both on and I can't decide who or what I want. Selfish eh? Oh that's life. Natural selection baby, the female chooses her mate. Get over it.
Anyway... man (a) sweet, sincere, doesn't smoke <
man (b) hot, sexy, smokes, into hiphop culture, funny and a bit of 'badboy' <
man (c) mysterious, more accesible, funny... quite possibly hot <
WTF do I do???
Aaaa... the complexities of life. Ladies, you know what I mean.
Vahaka eh...Extracted from - My imagination...
|
'Look at you, you're a bloody whore'
'I only wanted to...'
'Do I look like I give a shit what you think? Get the hell out of here'
She stood tall, arrogant their smirking behind Maria's father as Maria pleaded for an ounce of sympathy through desperate eyes.
'Please Papa'
'Get out of my face. You make me sick'
'Nooo...please please please...'
Maria continued pleading as the door slammed in her face, kept begging as the she heard it being locked.
She turned around and began walking, the tears fell faster and faster, she didn't have a clue where she was heading, or why. She couldn't stay here. But she had no where to go. The anger in her soul effervecing, climaxing as she screamed. The echos sounded forever but not a single response...
The trees swayed in the wind, infact everything seemed absurdly calm. The frustration subsided until all that was left was a deep, burning pain...the pain of sorrow, loss all caused by hate, deception, lies....
The beautiful silk dress was soaked, torn and dirty and no longer possessed any of the magic it first had when he handed it to her.
'Hey, you'll look just like Mom I bet'
She glowed at her brother's rare praise.
'Really?'
'Sure, much much prettier'
A sob caught her throat as she stared at the remains of her cell phone dangling between her fingers. She flung it across the road. What was the use? He probably didn't know she wasn't there any way, it was his wedding day. She smiled through her tears. His brat sister is probably the least of his concerns. She couldn't blame him, she would have been the same - this was his escape.
She doubted very much she would be as lucky. Sitting on the rocks by the harbour waters she she stared into her reflection. She'd been told that those protruding large eyes were expressive, beautiful and touching. She was told that her fat mouth had lips which were full and inviting. That her pale, dull complexion glowed. She ran long delicate fingers through her hair. Too bad she couldn't afford to chop off this mass of waves and have a chic cut.
She cared very little about all that though, and would give up everything her brother claimed she had just for that one moment of acceptance and happiness. To have her aunt look at her with more than contempt. To have her uncle appreciate one of the million errands she silently carried out everyday. To have her parents back, to feel her mother's reassuring words.
How did a month's stay turn into ten painful years? Why did her parents never arrive? Why did their boat capsize with that fearsome wave that took so many of theiur lives?
Male' was so much more than it had been before. A modern and beautiful city to be proud of, a new city and so much more freedom to the people. Or was it? Beyond those polished walls, had anything changed?
Had her uncle coming to power changed anything? A new regime, with a better look. Less corrupt? Were people happier? Had anything really, truly changed?
She wiped the hot tears from her eyes. A girl like her still had no future, no independance and no freedom. She was a minor and had almost no rights, she was a controlled pawn like the rest of them but she no longer wished to play the game. It had lost meaning, as life itself had.
She stood on to the rocks walking towards the deeper shimmering end. The zephyr caressed her skin. The sky was painted a million iridiscent shades, by the greatest artist of all time. She turned back as she heard the laughter of a child behind her, the little boy chasing his red balloon. She lowered her gaze and let more tears flow as she cupped her face with her hands. Warm blood trickled down her breasts and she lifted her hands to realise her nails had cut into her skin. She didn't feel any pain, she had become numb to any feeling moments ago.
She was a burden to too many in this world. She no longer could bear to be a part of it. She raised her eyes to the heavens in prayer and slowly closed her eyes. She felt as if her entire being was in harmony with all the nature that surrounded her. No worries. No thoughts at all. Nirvana, at last.
'Sweetheart..'
'Mom?'
'Take my hand baby...'
'Dont leave me this time'
She stepped further and further forward.
'I love you'
A smile spread across her face, lighting up her features. She was real a beauty, almost ethereal in presence....
With that brilliant flash of light the sun set, and sky glowed pink, purple and finally transformed an ebony black... like velvet stretched across miles and miles, hundreds of stars strewn across like sparkling diamonds, like the glitter in her long, long hair.
All that was left of a beautiful life, was a single strand of azure silk caught on the rocks.,,,
Maria despite her troubles, had a heart full of love...and in me
mory her magic would always linger behind. Her story carried through generations and people realised the err of their ways. The world became a brighter place forever and after.
Yes, that would be the ideal conclusion. Truth is, she was forgotten, the memory erased. Mourned by those who cared, in essence fewer than she would have thought, but they moved on and nothing changed. There were a million Maria's but society no longer gave a damn.
Hope and love evanescencing away, our souls became devoid of such emotion
Thus this angel died but in vain...
'I only wanted to...'
'Do I look like I give a shit what you think? Get the hell out of here'
She stood tall, arrogant their smirking behind Maria's father as Maria pleaded for an ounce of sympathy through desperate eyes.
'Please Papa'
'Get out of my face. You make me sick'
'Nooo...please please please...'
Maria continued pleading as the door slammed in her face, kept begging as the she heard it being locked.
She turned around and began walking, the tears fell faster and faster, she didn't have a clue where she was heading, or why. She couldn't stay here. But she had no where to go. The anger in her soul effervecing, climaxing as she screamed. The echos sounded forever but not a single response...
The trees swayed in the wind, infact everything seemed absurdly calm. The frustration subsided until all that was left was a deep, burning pain...the pain of sorrow, loss all caused by hate, deception, lies....
The beautiful silk dress was soaked, torn and dirty and no longer possessed any of the magic it first had when he handed it to her.
'Hey, you'll look just like Mom I bet'
She glowed at her brother's rare praise.
'Really?'
'Sure, much much prettier'
A sob caught her throat as she stared at the remains of her cell phone dangling between her fingers. She flung it across the road. What was the use? He probably didn't know she wasn't there any way, it was his wedding day. She smiled through her tears. His brat sister is probably the least of his concerns. She couldn't blame him, she would have been the same - this was his escape.
She doubted very much she would be as lucky. Sitting on the rocks by the harbour waters she she stared into her reflection. She'd been told that those protruding large eyes were expressive, beautiful and touching. She was told that her fat mouth had lips which were full and inviting. That her pale, dull complexion glowed. She ran long delicate fingers through her hair. Too bad she couldn't afford to chop off this mass of waves and have a chic cut.
She cared very little about all that though, and would give up everything her brother claimed she had just for that one moment of acceptance and happiness. To have her aunt look at her with more than contempt. To have her uncle appreciate one of the million errands she silently carried out everyday. To have her parents back, to feel her mother's reassuring words.
How did a month's stay turn into ten painful years? Why did her parents never arrive? Why did their boat capsize with that fearsome wave that took so many of theiur lives?
Male' was so much more than it had been before. A modern and beautiful city to be proud of, a new city and so much more freedom to the people. Or was it? Beyond those polished walls, had anything changed?
Had her uncle coming to power changed anything? A new regime, with a better look. Less corrupt? Were people happier? Had anything really, truly changed?
She wiped the hot tears from her eyes. A girl like her still had no future, no independance and no freedom. She was a minor and had almost no rights, she was a controlled pawn like the rest of them but she no longer wished to play the game. It had lost meaning, as life itself had.
She stood on to the rocks walking towards the deeper shimmering end. The zephyr caressed her skin. The sky was painted a million iridiscent shades, by the greatest artist of all time. She turned back as she heard the laughter of a child behind her, the little boy chasing his red balloon. She lowered her gaze and let more tears flow as she cupped her face with her hands. Warm blood trickled down her breasts and she lifted her hands to realise her nails had cut into her skin. She didn't feel any pain, she had become numb to any feeling moments ago.
She was a burden to too many in this world. She no longer could bear to be a part of it. She raised her eyes to the heavens in prayer and slowly closed her eyes. She felt as if her entire being was in harmony with all the nature that surrounded her. No worries. No thoughts at all. Nirvana, at last.
'Sweetheart..'
'Mom?'
'Take my hand baby...'
'Dont leave me this time'
She stepped further and further forward.
'I love you'
A smile spread across her face, lighting up her features. She was real a beauty, almost ethereal in presence....
With that brilliant flash of light the sun set, and sky glowed pink, purple and finally transformed an ebony black... like velvet stretched across miles and miles, hundreds of stars strewn across like sparkling diamonds, like the glitter in her long, long hair.
All that was left of a beautiful life, was a single strand of azure silk caught on the rocks.,,,
Maria despite her troubles, had a heart full of love...and in me
mory her magic would always linger behind. Her story carried through generations and people realised the err of their ways. The world became a brighter place forever and after.
Yes, that would be the ideal conclusion. Truth is, she was forgotten, the memory erased. Mourned by those who cared, in essence fewer than she would have thought, but they moved on and nothing changed. There were a million Maria's but society no longer gave a damn.
Hope and love evanescencing away, our souls became devoid of such emotion
Thus this angel died but in vain...
Random...
|
Out of smarties...out of happiness, out of pleasure...out of hope.
Amazing how much a tube of candy can come to mean to you. I look at the hollow tube and the grief wells up inside me. Once my happy companion, satisfied and innate need and brought peace into my life.
Gone. Empty. Ready to be chucked into the bin.
Naah...haven't lost it. YET.
Strangely the main song playing repeatedly in the little media player in ma head is Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss". Who did I last kiss? I don't know. Can't remember. Tsk...worrying.
For no apparent reason today just fucking sux. I wanna go to sleep but I slept early and woke late. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything. I feel ill but besides a slight temperature I'm fine.
My head is beggining to feel like Mettalica, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth and Rammstein are all performing simultaneously in a live concert and all the lead singers are cussing at the top of their voices, the guitars screeching and the drums are playing at different tempos.
Waaahhhhh, I want mommy to come feed me chicken soup and wipe my forehead...good old times when she always knew the solutions eh? As we grow up and develope an inherent need for freedom (or as with me an insatiable desire for it)
Tiri ri ri ri ri .... oooh ooh... a wima wep a wima wep... in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight --- obinoanna lava eh ingey. Brings a smile even when you're damn pissed.
This is how I categorise music...
Fuck veema genre
High vefa hunna iru genre
Elhey iru genre
Nidhaa iru genre
'E soru' mathin hadhaan kuraa iru genre (Ishqee category people...)
Burithalhu vaa genre
Ufaa vaan veema genre
So under last genre... mostly ulheynee galhi type songs like Axel 'Crazy Frog', Shaggy 'I like to move it', Paul Simon 'The lion sleeps tonight', 'Under the sea', 'I just can't wait to be king', Abba 'Money money money' and such. Happy, optimistic tunes that remind you of childhood and everything that's beautiful about being a kid.
Come to think of it, being naive and innocent is wonderful. Kids are wonderfully refreshing especially at the end of a long weary day. Just chitter about how cool Sponge Bob Square pants is, and wonder whether a P&J could have chocolate in it, pluck random strings from your guitar to a set of awed faces and feel your heart smile.
If life has any magic it's their eyes, their smiles, their eager voices.
Too bad they grow up eh?
Gonna go and grab me a banana. B-A-N-A-N-A and the whole world celebrates the fact that Gwen Stefani can spell.
Cest la vie ;)
Amazing how much a tube of candy can come to mean to you. I look at the hollow tube and the grief wells up inside me. Once my happy companion, satisfied and innate need and brought peace into my life.
Gone. Empty. Ready to be chucked into the bin.
Naah...haven't lost it. YET.
Strangely the main song playing repeatedly in the little media player in ma head is Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss". Who did I last kiss? I don't know. Can't remember. Tsk...worrying.
For no apparent reason today just fucking sux. I wanna go to sleep but I slept early and woke late. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything. I feel ill but besides a slight temperature I'm fine.
My head is beggining to feel like Mettalica, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth and Rammstein are all performing simultaneously in a live concert and all the lead singers are cussing at the top of their voices, the guitars screeching and the drums are playing at different tempos.
Waaahhhhh, I want mommy to come feed me chicken soup and wipe my forehead...good old times when she always knew the solutions eh? As we grow up and develope an inherent need for freedom (or as with me an insatiable desire for it)
Tiri ri ri ri ri .... oooh ooh... a wima wep a wima wep... in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight --- obinoanna lava eh ingey. Brings a smile even when you're damn pissed.
This is how I categorise music...
Fuck veema genre
High vefa hunna iru genre
Elhey iru genre
Nidhaa iru genre
'E soru' mathin hadhaan kuraa iru genre (Ishqee category people...)
Burithalhu vaa genre
Ufaa vaan veema genre
So under last genre... mostly ulheynee galhi type songs like Axel 'Crazy Frog', Shaggy 'I like to move it', Paul Simon 'The lion sleeps tonight', 'Under the sea', 'I just can't wait to be king', Abba 'Money money money' and such. Happy, optimistic tunes that remind you of childhood and everything that's beautiful about being a kid.
Come to think of it, being naive and innocent is wonderful. Kids are wonderfully refreshing especially at the end of a long weary day. Just chitter about how cool Sponge Bob Square pants is, and wonder whether a P&J could have chocolate in it, pluck random strings from your guitar to a set of awed faces and feel your heart smile.
If life has any magic it's their eyes, their smiles, their eager voices.
Too bad they grow up eh?
Gonna go and grab me a banana. B-A-N-A-N-A and the whole world celebrates the fact that Gwen Stefani can spell.
Cest la vie ;)
Reminiscing when I'd be better off not
|
I wish life was easy... for once, I wish the answers would just flow to mind, without having waste precious energy and time to come up with conclusions and solutions that are often irrational and far off the mark, and even if they are the right decisions one always faces tons of grief as to whether you are right or wrong... frustration...
*I pull out the lasting hair on my head*
Writing my blog I had been intending to go on and on complaining about how life sucks, and how much I miss home etc. Maybe drop in a few bitter notes about how my current flame is scorching my heart...
And the song 'Boulevard' started playing...
A song that prior to this moment had absolutely no relevance to my life other than the fact that it was beautiful to listen to. Suddenly a memory flashback... 1 year ago, when my inbox was full of his messages, I heard his voice in my ear as he called my name, I felt his touch as he handed my the pendrive, the sound of his sandals on the sand as he left.
Emotionless I plugged in the pendrive, my thoughts were swirling around why my perfect relationship was failing...why won't he say he loves me... does he? I smiled as on the screen appeared my favourite songs...whispered under my breath "thanks babe..." started playing them one by one. Tears poured down that night...as I planned our breakup...I wish he could see, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am. I am too screwed up to be any good to him. He deserves better...
Boulevard played softly in the background and soothed my hurt soul, convincing me I was doing the right thing though it stung like hell. "What the fuck is wrong with me!" I wondered briefly if he had listened to 'Perfect Relationship' like I asked him to and almost immediately waved the thought away. Of course not... men couldn't be bothered and he might be perfect... but he's still male.
If only I had stopped and thought, like I have today almost exactly one year ago. The song plays... and I, for the first time listen to the lyrics. The inclusion had been deliberate. He was trying to tell me something...
No...this isn't true...
We broke up a few weeks later... but it wasn't a plan, in fact I had given up on my plan. Cruel fate twisted and gave me a wicked opportunity...I became deaf to his plea, and trying to be unselfish and spare him pain, I succeeded in nothing but the very opposite.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
I don't want him or need him anymore. But I long for someone to hold and cherish and care for... someone who would miss me and give a fuck about my life not because his/her genetic code forces him/her to. A man in my life who would stick by me always...despite my mistakes, respect me as well.
Gets worse boys and girls...hehehe, I need someone I want, who I can't resist to touch...I want to talk to him all the time... and the feeling is mutual...
As time passes you feel lonelier and lonelier. The feeling comes and goes like a receeding wave as it caresses the beach and swells up in glory again, the never ending chain of events, the deadly cycle...
Sometimes it seems that living just ain't worth it anymore. I look at my baby sister's picture on my phone. Of course there is. Cliche' and corny but true - there is hope for all of us. I listen to her giggling on my phone, her voice full of pure innocent joy. There has to be.
*I pull out the lasting hair on my head*
Writing my blog I had been intending to go on and on complaining about how life sucks, and how much I miss home etc. Maybe drop in a few bitter notes about how my current flame is scorching my heart...
And the song 'Boulevard' started playing...
A song that prior to this moment had absolutely no relevance to my life other than the fact that it was beautiful to listen to. Suddenly a memory flashback... 1 year ago, when my inbox was full of his messages, I heard his voice in my ear as he called my name, I felt his touch as he handed my the pendrive, the sound of his sandals on the sand as he left.
Emotionless I plugged in the pendrive, my thoughts were swirling around why my perfect relationship was failing...why won't he say he loves me... does he? I smiled as on the screen appeared my favourite songs...whispered under my breath "thanks babe..." started playing them one by one. Tears poured down that night...as I planned our breakup...I wish he could see, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am. I am too screwed up to be any good to him. He deserves better...
Boulevard played softly in the background and soothed my hurt soul, convincing me I was doing the right thing though it stung like hell. "What the fuck is wrong with me!" I wondered briefly if he had listened to 'Perfect Relationship' like I asked him to and almost immediately waved the thought away. Of course not... men couldn't be bothered and he might be perfect... but he's still male.
If only I had stopped and thought, like I have today almost exactly one year ago. The song plays... and I, for the first time listen to the lyrics. The inclusion had been deliberate. He was trying to tell me something...
No...this isn't true...
We broke up a few weeks later... but it wasn't a plan, in fact I had given up on my plan. Cruel fate twisted and gave me a wicked opportunity...I became deaf to his plea, and trying to be unselfish and spare him pain, I succeeded in nothing but the very opposite.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
I don't want him or need him anymore. But I long for someone to hold and cherish and care for... someone who would miss me and give a fuck about my life not because his/her genetic code forces him/her to. A man in my life who would stick by me always...despite my mistakes, respect me as well.
Gets worse boys and girls...hehehe, I need someone I want, who I can't resist to touch...I want to talk to him all the time... and the feeling is mutual...
As time passes you feel lonelier and lonelier. The feeling comes and goes like a receeding wave as it caresses the beach and swells up in glory again, the never ending chain of events, the deadly cycle...
Sometimes it seems that living just ain't worth it anymore. I look at my baby sister's picture on my phone. Of course there is. Cliche' and corny but true - there is hope for all of us. I listen to her giggling on my phone, her voice full of pure innocent joy. There has to be.
Confusion and utter chaos
|
I cannot believe this. I'm doing it again. Obsessing over insignificant little human beings and my relationship(s) with them. And I thought I had me sorted. Had me world sorted.
But can life ever be simple when you're sixteen?
I was told I have a logical and cold hearted approach to love rather than an emotional one and the emotional side is just a projection I create to manipulate people. Palmready is 'such' an art, don't you think?
That aside, I begin to question myself.. true, reflecting on your inner self helps you grow and branch emotionally and a lot more shit like that but hell, too much of everything is definitely not good for anything or for that matter, anyone.
Back to the point. Technically speaking I should be very content these days. My school marks though far from remarkable, are begin to show more promise (assures my form tutor) and I'm pleased with the fact that they are better than have been in years. I'm staying with a wonderful family and life in UK is pretty cool (no pun there, and btw the weather fucking SUCKS, I'm bloody freezing to death all the time and the heater got screwed for the entire weekend which was just brilliant)... I met loads of fascinating people and well yeah, the entire experience is pretty fantastic.
So why am I being such a brat?
Coz I was a spoilt child *grin*... nah... *grin transforms to less appealing scowl*
Because I like him... I more than like him. Why is this so infuriating?? This is where my insecurities come flooding in (tsunami! OK, bad joke...sorry). I like him, he's flirting back and things are looking good. Then comes the insatiable curiosity; does he like me, do I like him, is he playing, will this work out yada yada yada you know. Well you ought to *sticks tongue out in highly annoying yet hopefully adorable way*
So me, with all the MAFIA blood pumping within me *ahem* get my "spies" to do some proper inverstigating... they come up with the likes of "he's a good guy" <>, "he's single" <> *bursts into song, stops and looks around sheepishly*, "he thinks of you as a friend <keekay?>>
Mahshah jeheynee hus mikahala balaa...
So what eh? Move on? Wish it were that simple. True, I'm not head over heels in love with him. I haven't even seen him. Now, before you erupt into giggles and this is probably already a late warning...I am not a fan of online dating and this little 'flirtation' is a lot more complex than you think. So :P to you.
Back to him *sigh* <> we've been having these little flirtations and fun mind games for a while, almost got together at a certain point but just like everything else good in life - it got fucked up. We resumed contact and the friendship continued, considerably less flirtatious and in a way far more intense with a hell lotta more trust involved.
Nice basis for a relationship? Yeah, that's what I thought. And we did gravitate towards romance in a few conversations (over the phone/on the net) the most significant being a little burst of "would you kiss me" in midst of a pleasant discussion involving Bugatti Veyrons, Saleens, Porsche Carrera GT *my heart skips a a beat with the mention*, bank robberies, forgery and the like.
Normally I would brush it off as "the man's horny" or "testosterone OVERRRLOAAADD" but the way he reacted ie. "hey, you pissed off? shit, I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh fuck it then" when I hesitated to respond (mainly as I was slightly occupied with a bonding moment with step mom), touched me and added a certain element of sincerity to it.
This is the root of my confusion...
ARGH...
Cliche' I know, but why me?????
Wtf am I to do now? Ignore it because of what Bazooka darling told me (the whole he want's you as a friend when I teased him bit)... or go for it because he's the one guy who has managed to "rock my world" after a long long time...
Love.Bleugh.
But can life ever be simple when you're sixteen?
I was told I have a logical and cold hearted approach to love rather than an emotional one and the emotional side is just a projection I create to manipulate people. Palmready is 'such' an art, don't you think?
That aside, I begin to question myself.. true, reflecting on your inner self helps you grow and branch emotionally and a lot more shit like that but hell, too much of everything is definitely not good for anything or for that matter, anyone.
Back to the point. Technically speaking I should be very content these days. My school marks though far from remarkable, are begin to show more promise (assures my form tutor) and I'm pleased with the fact that they are better than have been in years. I'm staying with a wonderful family and life in UK is pretty cool (no pun there, and btw the weather fucking SUCKS, I'm bloody freezing to death all the time and the heater got screwed for the entire weekend which was just brilliant)... I met loads of fascinating people and well yeah, the entire experience is pretty fantastic.
So why am I being such a brat?
Coz I was a spoilt child *grin*... nah... *grin transforms to less appealing scowl*
Because I like him... I more than like him. Why is this so infuriating?? This is where my insecurities come flooding in (tsunami! OK, bad joke...sorry). I like him, he's flirting back and things are looking good. Then comes the insatiable curiosity; does he like me, do I like him, is he playing, will this work out yada yada yada you know. Well you ought to *sticks tongue out in highly annoying yet hopefully adorable way*
So me, with all the MAFIA blood pumping within me *ahem* get my "spies" to do some proper inverstigating... they come up with the likes of "he's a good guy" <
Mahshah jeheynee hus mikahala balaa...
Back to him *sigh* <
Nice basis for a relationship? Yeah, that's what I thought. And we did gravitate towards romance in a few conversations (over the phone/on the net) the most significant being a little burst of "would you kiss me" in midst of a pleasant discussion involving Bugatti Veyrons, Saleens, Porsche Carrera GT *my heart skips a a beat with the mention*, bank robberies, forgery and the like.
Normally I would brush it off as "the man's horny" or "testosterone OVERRRLOAAADD" but the way he reacted ie. "hey, you pissed off? shit, I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh fuck it then" when I hesitated to respond (mainly as I was slightly occupied with a bonding moment with step mom), touched me and added a certain element of sincerity to it.
This is the root of my confusion...
ARGH...
Cliche' I know, but why me?????
Wtf am I to do now? Ignore it because of what Bazooka darling told me (the whole he want's you as a friend when I teased him bit)... or go for it because he's the one guy who has managed to "rock my world" after a long long time...
Love.Bleugh.
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