Its just the kind of gorgeous day I've been praying for, but I just don't want to go out, and leave the safe haven that is my home... the fortress around me - my room.
The familiar clutter, the comforting mess and 'hulabolikanz', I see beauty in the disorganized organisation that surrounds me and I revel in it.
The media player in my head is spinning out of control, and I'm being subject to a trippin' mix of trance.. :)
Chatting is enough socialisation for me on days like these... we are so lucky to have the virtual option to switch in between as we prefer...
My Own Naseyhath to Me
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It's amazing what a heart to heart talk can reveal... a simple, sweet discussion about everything around you. It doesn't have to be very deep, it doesn't have to be too emotional, just real and honest, all fringes clipped.
So it's not a solution, but it's a start. I don't know, I just feel pretty pleased. Doesn't matter what happens, I'm okay with things as long as they don't get um... "poisoned" as of such.
~Save tonight, fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow... tomorrow I'll be gone ~
We all need a reminder that life's short, and we need to live to the fullest. Don't misunderstand me, you do need to be true to yourself, beliefs and values, but at the same time do not leave things do be dealt with for tomorrow, and don't pass up opportunities for convinience... and don't bottle up intending to share all your feelings later.
The outpour is too overwhelming, you'll just push it off and then it'll burst... or time will just be unfair to you instead. Either way, it's never going to be same if you don't express it when you should. Okay, I don't mean to declare every thought that passes by in your mind (that would earn you more of slaps, thrashes and the like), but do not lock it all up for a rainy day. It so isn't worth it.
And do take your own advice. I have learnt a pretty good lesson about being chicken and acting tough. *Giggle* yeah, silly silly girl... I can hear my friends snorting in the background :P
Once you really start to make peace with yourself, it really does feel very good. Everyone needs to be comfortable and happy in their own skin, thats when the journey starts moving forward again. Masks can only take you so far, besides whats the point if everyones already made up their minds when you walk into their company? Nothing left to prove, so got nothing to lose just being oneself.
When I write I tap on my own feelings and experiences but I'd just like to add, it's not a direct reference to the current events in my life. I am my own muse, along with my friends and family - and it's highly satisfying. I write about things I've never gone through coz I feel like I can conjure up the emotional make up of my characters or whatever it depends on how in touch you are with your personal life, so you can visualise the inner turbulence one would be faced with.
I need to start listening to my wise double persona :P lol
So it's not a solution, but it's a start. I don't know, I just feel pretty pleased. Doesn't matter what happens, I'm okay with things as long as they don't get um... "poisoned" as of such.
~Save tonight, fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow... tomorrow I'll be gone ~
We all need a reminder that life's short, and we need to live to the fullest. Don't misunderstand me, you do need to be true to yourself, beliefs and values, but at the same time do not leave things do be dealt with for tomorrow, and don't pass up opportunities for convinience... and don't bottle up intending to share all your feelings later.
The outpour is too overwhelming, you'll just push it off and then it'll burst... or time will just be unfair to you instead. Either way, it's never going to be same if you don't express it when you should. Okay, I don't mean to declare every thought that passes by in your mind (that would earn you more of slaps, thrashes and the like), but do not lock it all up for a rainy day. It so isn't worth it.
And do take your own advice. I have learnt a pretty good lesson about being chicken and acting tough. *Giggle* yeah, silly silly girl... I can hear my friends snorting in the background :P
Once you really start to make peace with yourself, it really does feel very good. Everyone needs to be comfortable and happy in their own skin, thats when the journey starts moving forward again. Masks can only take you so far, besides whats the point if everyones already made up their minds when you walk into their company? Nothing left to prove, so got nothing to lose just being oneself.
When I write I tap on my own feelings and experiences but I'd just like to add, it's not a direct reference to the current events in my life. I am my own muse, along with my friends and family - and it's highly satisfying. I write about things I've never gone through coz I feel like I can conjure up the emotional make up of my characters or whatever it depends on how in touch you are with your personal life, so you can visualise the inner turbulence one would be faced with.
I need to start listening to my wise double persona :P lol
Just a letter I feel a lot of people I know would like to send to specific persons...
|
Dear Person
It would most probably piss you off greatly to be reading this, but since we can never communicate without you screaming about me being a complaining brat,
I'm not Virgin Mary, nor am I some kind of Mother Theresa/Gandhi...whatever. Then again, I don't think it's fair of you to even expect me to be so, since you've clearly had your own share of sinful, spur of the moment some what stupid moments. Or arent you human?
It's unrealistic to assume that just because I'm the female I must be sent from up above. No, I think pretty much as much as you do. Clearly our thought streams are different, we don't even look the same do we? So there is no reason why I should conform to suit you, after all you aren't perfect either are you?
All I've ever demanded from you is simply a little attention, much like you need when you're down or when you need the 'healing touch'. For all the time I spend for you, or with you... is replying to a message simply too much for you to handle? I don't bother you a hundred times a day, I just text to see how things are once a day. I do understand that you are busy and you have your own life to deal with, but when you say you have things to do and you simply laze around with your buddies - now that hurts my feelings. If you have better things to do than just come over and say a hi, or chill somewhere, you should say so. Perhaps then I can stop wasting my time waiting for the call you insisted would happen only to be disappointed.
It would be nice to know where I stand in your life, on clear terms. If I am a booty call, tell me... if you care - tell me. If you think I need to stop bugging you, don't lead me on. Because even if you say this isn't serious and spend too much time on me you're confusing me. If you say this is real and you avoid me, you're fucking with my mind again.
Since you clearly enjoy having fun with your mates, I assume you would not want to deny me the same satisfaction. Do realise that it is possible for me to want to have friends of the opposite sex, and that I might connect with them and feel comfortable sharing things about my life, I don't spell out things and I wouldn't make you look bad or expose private information, so I don't understand why this is such a big problem.
It's cool what you decide are your boundaries, you can party hard if you want to, thats your perogative. However, I have the same rights to chose if I want to. Respect is very important to me and I respect your wants and needs, naturally I hope you allow me my dignity as well. I am under no obligation to indulge in or commend behaviour that I do not find appealing and the same applies to you, so if there can be no aggreements in this department, it is time for goodbyes.
I value honesty as mentioned previously, and you are only human. We are both liable to make our own share of mistakes. Please come clean if you feel guilty or have regrets. Please do not insult my intelligence by denying the obvious. If you truly want top repent (for lack of a better word), let me know... being honest is the first step. Communities tend to be tight small, and coincidences arent uncommon, so do whatever you please but do not do so under the misguided belief that I will never find out.
Simply said I put up with your shit, and you can put up with mine. No one is perfect, and we all have faults. At the end of the day we are human, male and female. Whatever we have, lets just allow each other the honour of respect and honesty. Outside of that, its all up to an ability to compromise. Appreciation comes with that, because no one has to do anything for anyone, nomatter what they do - so when someone goes out of their way to please you, it is just decency to acknowledge that much.
Life's a journey, do you feel like walking beside me? I don't want to be your shadow, and I don't want you to be mine. It doesn't have to be for tomorrow, and it certainly doesn't spell forever. Lets just be witnesses to each others lives, and live for the moment, revel in its beauty and see how far the road stretches before it parts, if it actually does.
Take care,
Me
It would most probably piss you off greatly to be reading this, but since we can never communicate without you screaming about me being a complaining brat,
I'm not Virgin Mary, nor am I some kind of Mother Theresa/Gandhi...whatever. Then again, I don't think it's fair of you to even expect me to be so, since you've clearly had your own share of sinful, spur of the moment some what stupid moments. Or arent you human?
It's unrealistic to assume that just because I'm the female I must be sent from up above. No, I think pretty much as much as you do. Clearly our thought streams are different, we don't even look the same do we? So there is no reason why I should conform to suit you, after all you aren't perfect either are you?
All I've ever demanded from you is simply a little attention, much like you need when you're down or when you need the 'healing touch'. For all the time I spend for you, or with you... is replying to a message simply too much for you to handle? I don't bother you a hundred times a day, I just text to see how things are once a day. I do understand that you are busy and you have your own life to deal with, but when you say you have things to do and you simply laze around with your buddies - now that hurts my feelings. If you have better things to do than just come over and say a hi, or chill somewhere, you should say so. Perhaps then I can stop wasting my time waiting for the call you insisted would happen only to be disappointed.
It would be nice to know where I stand in your life, on clear terms. If I am a booty call, tell me... if you care - tell me. If you think I need to stop bugging you, don't lead me on. Because even if you say this isn't serious and spend too much time on me you're confusing me. If you say this is real and you avoid me, you're fucking with my mind again.
Since you clearly enjoy having fun with your mates, I assume you would not want to deny me the same satisfaction. Do realise that it is possible for me to want to have friends of the opposite sex, and that I might connect with them and feel comfortable sharing things about my life, I don't spell out things and I wouldn't make you look bad or expose private information, so I don't understand why this is such a big problem.
It's cool what you decide are your boundaries, you can party hard if you want to, thats your perogative. However, I have the same rights to chose if I want to. Respect is very important to me and I respect your wants and needs, naturally I hope you allow me my dignity as well. I am under no obligation to indulge in or commend behaviour that I do not find appealing and the same applies to you, so if there can be no aggreements in this department, it is time for goodbyes.
I value honesty as mentioned previously, and you are only human. We are both liable to make our own share of mistakes. Please come clean if you feel guilty or have regrets. Please do not insult my intelligence by denying the obvious. If you truly want top repent (for lack of a better word), let me know... being honest is the first step. Communities tend to be tight small, and coincidences arent uncommon, so do whatever you please but do not do so under the misguided belief that I will never find out.
Simply said I put up with your shit, and you can put up with mine. No one is perfect, and we all have faults. At the end of the day we are human, male and female. Whatever we have, lets just allow each other the honour of respect and honesty. Outside of that, its all up to an ability to compromise. Appreciation comes with that, because no one has to do anything for anyone, nomatter what they do - so when someone goes out of their way to please you, it is just decency to acknowledge that much.
Life's a journey, do you feel like walking beside me? I don't want to be your shadow, and I don't want you to be mine. It doesn't have to be for tomorrow, and it certainly doesn't spell forever. Lets just be witnesses to each others lives, and live for the moment, revel in its beauty and see how far the road stretches before it parts, if it actually does.
Take care,
Me
Whatever makes you happy...
|
She opens the little tin hidden under her bed and opens her little packet of happiness, adds a pinch of vanilla tobacco and mixes it all up to gooey perfection. Recipe for her favourite rescue remedy, sealed with a kiss in a roll of rizler paper...
Pretty poetic, you got to admit. And she burned one down, she did.
Just another fucked up night, in a hopelessly fucked up life.
Queen Bee apparently. She snorted. Like fuck... She wasn't in control of any fucking thing in her life. And it drove her insane... Not that she was any freak obsessed with her self. Oh hell, maybe she was. Aren't we all.
She tuned up the psychedelic shit she was so attracted to thesedays. Damn it felt good.... and the green shit really kicks in... Man, who would have thought she'd relapse back into this shithole. But everyone's in this shithole, she consoled herself.
He prefers his green to her. They all seemed to. Her friends... the guy who wouldn't get outta her head. She'd done the experimentation and thought she had learnt her lesson. Then though, when you can't beat em, join em right? Yeah... Fuck yeah...
What did she have to lose anyway? People already call her a 'holic', though there would be these freakish variations between these percieved additions she got labelled with. She thought after a whole lifetime of too much attention she'd fucking be used to it all. She'd get over it. Y'know?
It only got worse everyday. She screamed... and screamed and screamed. All these thoughts echoing in her head... The high didn't even make her feel good anymore. She couldn't stand all this anymore. "I have good people in my life who would take me away from all this if I gave them a fucking chance..." Mumbled in a slurr...
The nails were digging into the flesh of her thighs. I don't get high anymore... It's fucking normal now. I need something stronger... Sugar is just a bloody phonecall away...and baby, this kinda "diabetes" might actually save my life...
The thoughts kept getting more psychotic, she realised. More provocative... and definitely more possible.
She picked up her N95 and punched in a few numbers. "Bitch, get ya ass here and bring me some strong shit"
She hung up. That easy. Man... What a fucked up place to live. She looked around. Shit, out of rizlers. She started scrambling around the drawers... Damn, damn damn... And then she saw the album. Nostalgic feelings started to creep up...
She flipped through a few pages. Fuck... she didn't recognise herself. She was never goody-two shoes... but she was never this pathetic. Some bad ass wannabe looser with absolutely no life to look foward to. Tears welled up in her eyes....
Yeah maybe everyone did have the same sob story, and maybe she needed to stop acting so stupid. She just couldn't see a way out of the abyss ... she really couldn't see the future. And when you arealone, that's shit scary... and... she was completely terrified. Terrified of tomorrow...
And she had prayed for salvation for so long. She slammed the album to the floor and momentarily enjoyed a sense of peace and satisfaction at the torn pages before lapsing under a gigantic wave of depression.
Grabbing the hair on her head she just bent down and pressed her face onto her lap, and she felt the warm tears soak the cloth and trickle down her. She felt dirty. Guilty. Broken. Used. Life became meaningless in a matter of years.
People she was close to, strangely.. yeah they seem to think she can handle everything thrown her way. Seem to think that she didnt care... Seem to think she was some kind of survivor. But the truth is, today was the lowest point of her life. No one noticed. Today, she had the drive to tighten the noose and jump off the stand. No one seemed to have a fucking clue.
There was a knock on the door. She knew this time she'd go through with it. For the first time in her life THEY were right. She didn't care. Any more.
Pretty poetic, you got to admit. And she burned one down, she did.
Just another fucked up night, in a hopelessly fucked up life.
Queen Bee apparently. She snorted. Like fuck... She wasn't in control of any fucking thing in her life. And it drove her insane... Not that she was any freak obsessed with her self. Oh hell, maybe she was. Aren't we all.
She tuned up the psychedelic shit she was so attracted to thesedays. Damn it felt good.... and the green shit really kicks in... Man, who would have thought she'd relapse back into this shithole. But everyone's in this shithole, she consoled herself.
He prefers his green to her. They all seemed to. Her friends... the guy who wouldn't get outta her head. She'd done the experimentation and thought she had learnt her lesson. Then though, when you can't beat em, join em right? Yeah... Fuck yeah...
What did she have to lose anyway? People already call her a 'holic', though there would be these freakish variations between these percieved additions she got labelled with. She thought after a whole lifetime of too much attention she'd fucking be used to it all. She'd get over it. Y'know?
It only got worse everyday. She screamed... and screamed and screamed. All these thoughts echoing in her head... The high didn't even make her feel good anymore. She couldn't stand all this anymore. "I have good people in my life who would take me away from all this if I gave them a fucking chance..." Mumbled in a slurr...
The nails were digging into the flesh of her thighs. I don't get high anymore... It's fucking normal now. I need something stronger... Sugar is just a bloody phonecall away...and baby, this kinda "diabetes" might actually save my life...
The thoughts kept getting more psychotic, she realised. More provocative... and definitely more possible.
She picked up her N95 and punched in a few numbers. "Bitch, get ya ass here and bring me some strong shit"
She hung up. That easy. Man... What a fucked up place to live. She looked around. Shit, out of rizlers. She started scrambling around the drawers... Damn, damn damn... And then she saw the album. Nostalgic feelings started to creep up...
She flipped through a few pages. Fuck... she didn't recognise herself. She was never goody-two shoes... but she was never this pathetic. Some bad ass wannabe looser with absolutely no life to look foward to. Tears welled up in her eyes....
Yeah maybe everyone did have the same sob story, and maybe she needed to stop acting so stupid. She just couldn't see a way out of the abyss ... she really couldn't see the future. And when you arealone, that's shit scary... and... she was completely terrified. Terrified of tomorrow...
And she had prayed for salvation for so long. She slammed the album to the floor and momentarily enjoyed a sense of peace and satisfaction at the torn pages before lapsing under a gigantic wave of depression.
Grabbing the hair on her head she just bent down and pressed her face onto her lap, and she felt the warm tears soak the cloth and trickle down her. She felt dirty. Guilty. Broken. Used. Life became meaningless in a matter of years.
People she was close to, strangely.. yeah they seem to think she can handle everything thrown her way. Seem to think that she didnt care... Seem to think she was some kind of survivor. But the truth is, today was the lowest point of her life. No one noticed. Today, she had the drive to tighten the noose and jump off the stand. No one seemed to have a fucking clue.
There was a knock on the door. She knew this time she'd go through with it. For the first time in her life THEY were right. She didn't care. Any more.
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