When the fury takes reign...

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Everybody thinks they know what’s best for me all the fucking time.
I should be grateful so many people actually care about me. Supposedly.
I should be happy that I’m not with some one who argues with me and tells me I’m wrong. Apparently.
But the truth is my chest hurts so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. Despite what you may think, for better or for worse, separating or attempting to do so from someone you loved deeply for a long time is incredibly difficult.
I’ve made terrible decisions in my life, I know, but I’ve seen a lot more and a lot worse than most of the people who claim to be giving me advice. So spare me the lectures and be prepared to respect what ever the hell I choose to do, whether you like it or not, whether it benefits you or not, if you care about me as much as you claim to.
Granted what people say to me often has the grain of truth but most are blind to the big picture.
People have so much prejudice and so many preconceived notions about life and other people they have trouble even beginning to understand why I make the decisions I do.
First I thought it was simply me being stupid, me being a victim and being lost but the truth is, although I needed the break and space the reasons for my doubt is not any of the above.
Dammit, I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am stubborn, hard assed and unforgiving. I’m a bitch and I’m sensitive. I’m so far from perfect, have contradicting aspects to my personality but for the most part I know who I am and what I want from my life. I certainly know what I don’t want.
People think that I make mistakes because I’m weak and stupid, sometimes they say that I simply follow someone else’s opinion but that’s not always the case. I’ve never had much use for certain sentimentalities and I’ve associated with people for my benefits for example I have spent time around people who do not intimidate me because I needed not to be challenged. Sometimes I’ve been around people who I see as my equals because I needed insight. It’s actually not as evil or unusual as it seems, we all do it though we don’t admit it.
Coming back to my point, I made a decision recently and I am sick of people either offering sympathy or congratulations. I don’t need or want any ones pity especially for a task I undertook for my own sake.
I find congratulations downright insulting. How dare you say it’s for the best? How dare you say he wasn’t worth it? I was with someone for two years – that is incredibly insulting to my judgement and principles. He was worth it. Just because I need time off is not for any one else to judge who he is… he is and was a wonderful guy. He is intelligent and capable – to everyone who is comparing him and making judgements - fuck off.
Only he and I know what happened in our relationship. Only we are allowed to make judgements. We had ups and downs – screw everyone who says they are “so happy” … if you are happy all the time you stepford fuckers, you are clearly not in a relationship. Granted we had a lot of downs, but we are very, very different people. Reaching a breaking point is not unimaginable or for that matter, unexpected.
Someone once told me I chose men as projects to fix… perhaps… perhaps they are often very flawed to the outside world. Usually they don’t have expensive cars, or unblemished pasts… I’ve never dated anyone from an aristocratic (for lack of a better word) family. I’ve been judged because of the people I’ve been with. Frankly I don’t care… I really don’t. It’s having a good heart, and caring about me that I was looking for.
I refuse to be judged for dating a certain number of people or a certain “type”. I have cared for and been cared about and if it doesn’t work in the long run then that’s fine. I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m sure – and I naturally gravitate to people who are as defined or independent or individualistic. And those are not necessarily the same trait. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that situations like these aren’t the easiest to follow through…
I will make my own decisions and as they say unless you have something nice to say, keep your trap shut. I do appreciate that some people have held the worst of their opinions to themselves and have just reassured me that they would be behind me whatever I did and offered advice to whatever scenario I was considering at the time. You are entitled to your opinions; you are not required to express them.
And please be as respectful to the other party as you are trying (apparently) to be to me. Whether or not the other party insults me or disagrees with me, or contacts me is my problem, and I expect any one claiming to be on my side (what the fuck is a “side” anyway?) to appreciate my philosophy on these matters.
My relationship, my breakup, my ex or whatever… my decision… whether it is to remain so or reinstate matters… Pressure is all on me, that’s fine.
Nevertheless… I have no yearning to be married… I’m young and have a lifetime (Insha Allah) ahead and thus I do not think that waiting, watching, searching, uniting, and reuniting are in any way a bad thing. If certain people do not approve of my decisions… then fine, screw you.
This is my life I’m leading and I sure as hell aint stopping to please you.