Movie: Pt One – Before Sunset, Pt Two – Before Sunrise
First off, these are two movies I’d recommend to anyone who believes in romance and cynicism. I know that the above statement is a contradiction in itself, but it still does express what I mean for me so let me try and phrase that differently for you. Crazy thoughts run through me lately. What I mean to say is it’s a movie for some one who believes in dreams, thinks love has a lot to do with who we are, a passion that is felt and lives on as long as we pursue the memory. It’s a movie, like all love movies are – about beauty and destiny and all that shit. But it’s a movie that centrals around intelligent conversation, and two people who really enjoy each other – not about lots of heated wild sex… not about some promises that really mean nothing at all, not a lot of I will always love you – more like I don’t really know what the fuck I feel. A lot of people would watch this movie and think, nothing fucking ever happens, they talk too much and most commonly – it’s too real. If you can appreciate reality over fantasy and you still think that life can be beautiful… you should watch this. It’s got a great script, part one is in Vienna, part two is in Paris, there’s no glamour just a simplicity and very earthy prettiness about it… I don’t know, it reflects a lot of what love and romance means to me I guess. The whole movie you’ll be feeling like you’re spying on a very intimate encounter…. Atleast I did… Hehehe, that sounds perverted though… By the way one is filmed in 1993 and the other in 2004 and it takes place in real time, featuring the same actors and oh yeah, there are only two roles and a bunch of extras in the movies – interesting right? Hollywood love stories are always about two many people, I always think of relationships as far more private.
Back to the movie, and not reviewing the damned flick any more, Pt Two has this outburst where the woman speaks about relationships. She talks about how attached she is to little things with everything, including relationships. How she hates that everyone can just break up and forget about each other but she can’t. Not that she is overly emotional she’s not even a romantic really, but she simply sees and appreciates how every one has their own beautiful specific details, likes/dislikes/habits and when they are gone – she misses them. She doesn’t fuck around because she’ll end up missing the person for the stupidest things… and she’d just rather not hurt like that. This is going to be pathetic but I feel like that, I don’t fully recover after any of my break ups, I mean I don’t forget things about that person and or what happened, sometimes it leads to feeling discarded… heheh, even if I was the one who ended the relationship which admittedly is often the case. How do you replace someone anyway? When it’s lost its gone forever.
Then the guy said something like when you’re young you believe that there will be many people you connect with and later in life you find out that there are only a few. That made me really start to second-guess every decision I’ve made to this date. That’s crazy right? Drove me half crazy really. I just don’t want to wake up thirty with a hundred thousand regrets in my head. Wondering, wishing, or even living mechanically fulfilling responsibilities and meeting obligation after obligation. What is the point of that really?
We are all a tiny speck in what makes the universe. Insignificant even. Don’t you wake up every day and wonder – wonder about what drives us? Why we strive so hard to make a difference and to complete certain tasks when failure to do so will not really change anything? We could convert all our energy into making ourselves feel happy and fulfilled, and we are convinced that following rules and acting as society expects us to will lead us to finding that treasure. You know what I think though? I think that in our hearts we all know it’s a pointless battle. We could be much happier in a remote island singing songs and fishing for food. I think we all know that the stock market and celebrity entertainment and Harvard doctorates mean absolutely nothing. I have yet to figure out why we create this environment of tension and this world of mundane repetition though… what purpose does it really serve? Why can’t we all rebel against conformity and do as we please?
I have been time and time again told that happiness is studying something utterly pointless and getting a piece of paper to attest to my wasted time, following it up with a routine, boring and idiotic job which I will follow for the next thirty something years – my greatest contribution being able to lie continuously (FYI: being a law student) without fail and earn something like a million dollars throughout my career of which I shall never enjoy most of that money, living in a somewhat appealing apartment, marrying a man who I somewhat like but in the midst of our busy boring lives will eventually become a stranger, having a child or two because I need to have some meaning to why I exist and bringing them up to live the same pathetic life that I do… Forgive me if I refuse to believe that. I have hardly met any one who has lived a fulfilling life, but I don’t think it’s impossible.
Motivation for life seems to come (in the context of today’s world) form of cash and only cash. Looking back to the sixties and the seventies, people seemed to have a mission, they had a cause – they fought for freedom and they fought for life! The same buggers are now old and graying and the children of freedom live in a world far more corrupt that these hippies could have imagined. Freedom, yeah y’all can vote and apparently there is no real war anymore (just terrorism yeah?) and most of us have some access to technology and what not… is that what freedom is? Democracy they say was the solution. And we live boring, unhappy, stressed lives, living up to expectations we don’t even believe in, supporting causes that we hate. I go to work in my home town, dressed as everyone expects me to dress, speaking as I am supposed to speak, addressing the issues I am hired to address and nothing further. I talk to people I need to only, and I engage in activities that will benefit my career and social standing. You fool yourself if you claim not to live this life. I am one of these freedom children but I see nothing in my life that reflects what I feel freedom to really mean. My life is about considering everyone else, and whether or not that involves a positive sentiment, it still contradicts the word freedom itself.
I’ve gone totally off topic again. Hehehe… well if you choose to watch the movie, I hope you enjoy it!
Au revoir
E.c.S.t.A.c.Y
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The following article does not reflect on any terms the actions of myself or anyone I know: be it actions that have been done or will be done or are being done - it is an article based on extensive research and observation on the topic and that only:
This is the state we all aim to reach in life.
No, really.
Aren't we all striving to achieve some sort of happiness?
That makes a state of ecstacy the main goal, correct?
And there is a tiny little pill that can take you right there, like that!
So you'll end up loving the whole world... and everything will be A-Okay. :P
What stops you from popping that pill?
What really?
No health risks have really been proven, long term effects haven't been studied well enough. Of course using a chemical product for long periods of time will fuck you up some way or the other. Just like um... a lot of drugs would...
And no one lives a drug free life these days - medicines are legal no? Alcohol too... (unless you are a very unfortunate Maldivian :P)
So why not?
I mean seriously... who can present a case good enough for why not?
This year my law projects were legalization of marijuana, drugs trafficking, my psychology was frikking drug usage and teenagers, and the evolution of substance abuse....
I have been researching abuse for over an year, making all sorts of thesis's and my arugment was nearly always against... and I honestly can't find a good enough argument against many 'soft' drugs (refer to the netherlands drug policy) like marijuana or ecstacy.
I think it just involves a certain amount of responsibility... just like alcohol does.
Religion?
Oh fuck that is by far the lamest excuse people dish out. You hate on a race, you blame it on religion, you hate on a person, you justify it by religion, you want to be seen as a better person, you use religion. I don't judge anyone for their beliefs, but it's a pathetic justification to make.
I don't do drugs, my religion tells me why. The fuck man? Maybe your religion is a guide but there is no human who follows rules because they are rules. Everyone acts as is beneficiary to them. It's true. See how devout Imaams preach and still go about screwing everything that has a hole and walks on two legs? All the fucking priests who go about Jesus this and Jesus that and end up luring little boys to bed?? We as a nation elect leaders, and they fuck us in the ass - lol so how capable are we of handling our own individual fates. I say leave it up to the pill, you've lost the battle dude.
I wonder as to whether Angelina Jolie stepping into Africa and smiling is better than giving all those sad people a single pill (and lots of water :P)... I'm sure it costs pretty much the same. :P
'Alexander Shulgin stated that the single best use of MDMA was to facilitate more direct communication between people involved in significant emotional relationships'
How many marriages can that save? And how many broken families would that prevent? How many children would that save? From the pain of divorce and all that goes with it? How many unhappy and fucked up human beings would that help, because failure of human relationships (platonic or romantic) can very easily make or break us.
Maybe Pronoia is the explanation to all this phenomena.
Seriously.
I conclude :
E would make the world a better place.
The governments failed. Religion pretty much failed a lot of people right? (That must be why their actions contradict their so called 'beliefs' dho?) So.. um.. that brings me to... Why not?
Pop it baby... lets trip ;) !
This is the state we all aim to reach in life.
No, really.
Aren't we all striving to achieve some sort of happiness?
That makes a state of ecstacy the main goal, correct?
And there is a tiny little pill that can take you right there, like that!
So you'll end up loving the whole world... and everything will be A-Okay. :P
What stops you from popping that pill?
What really?
No health risks have really been proven, long term effects haven't been studied well enough. Of course using a chemical product for long periods of time will fuck you up some way or the other. Just like um... a lot of drugs would...
And no one lives a drug free life these days - medicines are legal no? Alcohol too... (unless you are a very unfortunate Maldivian :P)
So why not?
I mean seriously... who can present a case good enough for why not?
This year my law projects were legalization of marijuana, drugs trafficking, my psychology was frikking drug usage and teenagers, and the evolution of substance abuse....
I have been researching abuse for over an year, making all sorts of thesis's and my arugment was nearly always against... and I honestly can't find a good enough argument against many 'soft' drugs (refer to the netherlands drug policy) like marijuana or ecstacy.
I think it just involves a certain amount of responsibility... just like alcohol does.
Religion?
Oh fuck that is by far the lamest excuse people dish out. You hate on a race, you blame it on religion, you hate on a person, you justify it by religion, you want to be seen as a better person, you use religion. I don't judge anyone for their beliefs, but it's a pathetic justification to make.
I don't do drugs, my religion tells me why. The fuck man? Maybe your religion is a guide but there is no human who follows rules because they are rules. Everyone acts as is beneficiary to them. It's true. See how devout Imaams preach and still go about screwing everything that has a hole and walks on two legs? All the fucking priests who go about Jesus this and Jesus that and end up luring little boys to bed?? We as a nation elect leaders, and they fuck us in the ass - lol so how capable are we of handling our own individual fates. I say leave it up to the pill, you've lost the battle dude.
I wonder as to whether Angelina Jolie stepping into Africa and smiling is better than giving all those sad people a single pill (and lots of water :P)... I'm sure it costs pretty much the same. :P
'Alexander Shulgin stated that the single best use of MDMA was to facilitate more direct communication between people involved in significant emotional relationships'
How many marriages can that save? And how many broken families would that prevent? How many children would that save? From the pain of divorce and all that goes with it? How many unhappy and fucked up human beings would that help, because failure of human relationships (platonic or romantic) can very easily make or break us.
Maybe Pronoia is the explanation to all this phenomena.
Seriously.
I conclude :
E would make the world a better place.
The governments failed. Religion pretty much failed a lot of people right? (That must be why their actions contradict their so called 'beliefs' dho?) So.. um.. that brings me to... Why not?
Pop it baby... lets trip ;) !
My boidday means something "oah!"
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| Your Birthdate: January 13 |
 You're dominant and powerful. You always need to be in charge. While others respect your competence, you can be a bit of a dictator. Hard working and serious, you never let yourself down. You are exact and accurate - and you expect others to be the same way. Your strength: You always get the job done Your weakness: You're a perfectionist to a fault Your power color: Gray Your power symbol: Checkmark Your power month: April |
Spacey...
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I've felt a religious spurt in the past couple of days.
And it's a little wierd...
I've begun to think in terms of something good that happens, like a friend being exceptionally thoughtful, as God's little way of showing me a little happiness... rather than anything to do with the person per say... I mean, like I should be grateful to God for planning things this way...
If I may say so...
Hehehe...
I know it's a bit strange but it's sort of empowering.
Feels less attached to people, of course I feel the need to show my appreciation to everyone who's being wonderful, for being wonderful...but it feels like I don't know... I don't really expect much from anyone if I keep thinking this way. Thanks it happened, wouldn't notice if it didn't and don't expect this to continue... but thanks so much... sort of philosophy...
Okay I feel wierd writing about this...
You think one could be spiritual without being religious?
I don't know... Hm...
And it's a little wierd...
I've begun to think in terms of something good that happens, like a friend being exceptionally thoughtful, as God's little way of showing me a little happiness... rather than anything to do with the person per say... I mean, like I should be grateful to God for planning things this way...
If I may say so...
Hehehe...
I know it's a bit strange but it's sort of empowering.
Feels less attached to people, of course I feel the need to show my appreciation to everyone who's being wonderful, for being wonderful...but it feels like I don't know... I don't really expect much from anyone if I keep thinking this way. Thanks it happened, wouldn't notice if it didn't and don't expect this to continue... but thanks so much... sort of philosophy...
Okay I feel wierd writing about this...
You think one could be spiritual without being religious?
I don't know... Hm...
Secrets
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Life is a mystery...
Every one must stand alone...
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer....
I hear voice
It's an angel sighing...
Feels like flying
I close my eyes
Oh god I think I'm falling...
Heaven help me...
I look forward to life again.
Even if it means being alone, even if it means getting hurt again. Even if it means seeing his face and hearing voice. I look forward to the rest of my life. Although I may not have the people I imagined around me... Although my rocks today may dissipate tomorrow...
Walking home today, I saw the most beautiful baby... Sun shining down on her perfect face... and it hit me. I have so much more of life to experience. I might feel exhausted by everything I face, and overwhelmed the world I have to accept as my own. There's a reason we are all here though, I mean... Duh right... but it really just hit me as in "hit me" today...
Blonde yes? Dumb yes? But true anyway. So I'm a slow child... it doesn't really matter right? I know people who live entire lives simply skipping by simple realities.
Back to my gibberish... Seeing that child just pushed a button I no longer think even existed inside me... Little delicate muse! In a very different way. It reminded me that no matter what darkness I might have surrounded myself with, light can never be so far away. If I waited it out, if I kept reaching, I could it have it in my arms too...
So I say... I look forward to living my life, as me. Despite the troubles I can already envision, I chose to see the perhaps-blurrier-but-definitely-there rays of absolute happiness that I know I can feel again.
Every one must stand alone...
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer....
I hear voice
It's an angel sighing...
Feels like flying
I close my eyes
Oh god I think I'm falling...
Heaven help me...
I look forward to life again.
Even if it means being alone, even if it means getting hurt again. Even if it means seeing his face and hearing voice. I look forward to the rest of my life. Although I may not have the people I imagined around me... Although my rocks today may dissipate tomorrow...
Walking home today, I saw the most beautiful baby... Sun shining down on her perfect face... and it hit me. I have so much more of life to experience. I might feel exhausted by everything I face, and overwhelmed the world I have to accept as my own. There's a reason we are all here though, I mean... Duh right... but it really just hit me as in "hit me" today...
Blonde yes? Dumb yes? But true anyway. So I'm a slow child... it doesn't really matter right? I know people who live entire lives simply skipping by simple realities.
Back to my gibberish... Seeing that child just pushed a button I no longer think even existed inside me... Little delicate muse! In a very different way. It reminded me that no matter what darkness I might have surrounded myself with, light can never be so far away. If I waited it out, if I kept reaching, I could it have it in my arms too...
So I say... I look forward to living my life, as me. Despite the troubles I can already envision, I chose to see the perhaps-blurrier-but-definitely-there rays of absolute happiness that I know I can feel again.
Bitter Prayers
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I look around me, I'm still in a world I do not recognise.
The same scenes I see every day, I've seen the light a hundred times, the way it shines. Day after day I've been smelling the same perfumes, their distinct aroma. The position, the symmetry, it's all too familiar... but altogether foreign. It doesn't matter which route I take, because it's more than the atmosphere, it's everything inside you, that surrounds you, the vision you see is always what you imagine it to be....
And I have no vision anymore.
I am so lost.
In a place so deep, I don't understand how I came here. I don't know how I could have let this happen, and yet I do, in fact I see the pathway I've been walking along, what I've picked up and what I chose to let go, how that shaped my surrounding... because it changed me, at least the part of me I chose to project, the me I chose to share.
Self is a multi dimensional concept, we can literally be whatever it is we chose to be, we reflect our choices, therein lies our beliefs, our values and our priorities. But at the very core of who we are, we are simply human. We are living beings. Needs outweigh wants and if we can ever break into that core we shall discover that no matter what patterns we imagine surrounding us as time goes on... we are still the same entity we first existed as.
People like me, and so many end up in this God forsaken place... are the ones who have become too much of a chameleon that the world they have grafted surrounding them has no consistency either. I have so much rage, so much anger harvested in me and absolutelyno vessel to channel it to.
Am I mad at my family? For failing to be there? For failing to exist? Am I blaming my community for it's twisted status hierachies and judgements? Does it all boil down to a frustration of being trapped within a place where I feel no room to grow creatively? Where my actions are constantly questioned? Do I hate the questions or dread the answers?I am frustrated with society because all of it's institutions have failed in serving justice - in my eyes.
Furious that medicine doesn't have all the answers. That money can't really buy anything worthwhile and besides, it's the most unreliable factor to be taken into account any way. Wishing friends were less superficial. Beggining genuine people to be more than a fantasy, and honesty less than a game in itself.
But... I guess I've been mostly angry at God... for putting me through this... I've been idiotically defying every logical guidance religion and faith has provided because I feel it failed me years ago. And again I say, as if to challenge a divine power... can things get any worse? It's not really a battle though... it's a cry of real raw pain.
I wish some how I could be told the meaning of what I have been taught... why everything seems so hopeless... why things keep getting taken away... if it's a test... when does it stop? What makes you so sure I can keep holding out? I've cracked... and mended... but I feel like I might just cross that fine border beyond that ever so delicate point of no return terrifyingly soon.
How long must I keep suffering? How long constitutes as enough... What have I done to deserve this? How do I redeem myself... will I be able to redeem myself? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again, please? Can things change, and for all the pain, do I get to smile? When and for how long would that be?
I'm scared, that before I find answers, I will break. You pour enough into a flask it will break should it not overflow... if it's already over flowing, it is likely to burst, and when it does the pieces shall go flying and who knows? You might get cut too... I could hurt people I love, but why should I care.. shouldn't it be tit for a tat?
Infinite questions and impossible answers, but we all keep asking either way, or don't we? There has to be a God... there has to be some savior in all of this, please give us strength... in the absence of patterns and familiarity... shine light enough to lead us back to where we began, in the very least.
The same scenes I see every day, I've seen the light a hundred times, the way it shines. Day after day I've been smelling the same perfumes, their distinct aroma. The position, the symmetry, it's all too familiar... but altogether foreign. It doesn't matter which route I take, because it's more than the atmosphere, it's everything inside you, that surrounds you, the vision you see is always what you imagine it to be....
And I have no vision anymore.
I am so lost.
In a place so deep, I don't understand how I came here. I don't know how I could have let this happen, and yet I do, in fact I see the pathway I've been walking along, what I've picked up and what I chose to let go, how that shaped my surrounding... because it changed me, at least the part of me I chose to project, the me I chose to share.
Self is a multi dimensional concept, we can literally be whatever it is we chose to be, we reflect our choices, therein lies our beliefs, our values and our priorities. But at the very core of who we are, we are simply human. We are living beings. Needs outweigh wants and if we can ever break into that core we shall discover that no matter what patterns we imagine surrounding us as time goes on... we are still the same entity we first existed as.
People like me, and so many end up in this God forsaken place... are the ones who have become too much of a chameleon that the world they have grafted surrounding them has no consistency either. I have so much rage, so much anger harvested in me and absolutelyno vessel to channel it to.
Am I mad at my family? For failing to be there? For failing to exist? Am I blaming my community for it's twisted status hierachies and judgements? Does it all boil down to a frustration of being trapped within a place where I feel no room to grow creatively? Where my actions are constantly questioned? Do I hate the questions or dread the answers?I am frustrated with society because all of it's institutions have failed in serving justice - in my eyes.
Furious that medicine doesn't have all the answers. That money can't really buy anything worthwhile and besides, it's the most unreliable factor to be taken into account any way. Wishing friends were less superficial. Beggining genuine people to be more than a fantasy, and honesty less than a game in itself.
But... I guess I've been mostly angry at God... for putting me through this... I've been idiotically defying every logical guidance religion and faith has provided because I feel it failed me years ago. And again I say, as if to challenge a divine power... can things get any worse? It's not really a battle though... it's a cry of real raw pain.
I wish some how I could be told the meaning of what I have been taught... why everything seems so hopeless... why things keep getting taken away... if it's a test... when does it stop? What makes you so sure I can keep holding out? I've cracked... and mended... but I feel like I might just cross that fine border beyond that ever so delicate point of no return terrifyingly soon.
How long must I keep suffering? How long constitutes as enough... What have I done to deserve this? How do I redeem myself... will I be able to redeem myself? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again, please? Can things change, and for all the pain, do I get to smile? When and for how long would that be?
I'm scared, that before I find answers, I will break. You pour enough into a flask it will break should it not overflow... if it's already over flowing, it is likely to burst, and when it does the pieces shall go flying and who knows? You might get cut too... I could hurt people I love, but why should I care.. shouldn't it be tit for a tat?
Infinite questions and impossible answers, but we all keep asking either way, or don't we? There has to be a God... there has to be some savior in all of this, please give us strength... in the absence of patterns and familiarity... shine light enough to lead us back to where we began, in the very least.
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