Am chicken.
Am avoiding talking abt wierd things.
Am avoiding fights with Papa.
Am avoiding things... am very good at it now.
*giggles*
Flying to UK tonight, for the last time for a long time I suppose. Feel almost wistful *yikes* ...
I hate saying goodbyes...
Flying alone is quite a nice thing though, time to think, feels quite independant, then again I was independant more or less all the time in UK... but am not looking forward to Heathrow security. GrrrrRRRrrr...
A friend blogged about me today... *tochu vefa, tearing up*
Anyway, to cheer me up... shopping (if Papa is kind enough to provide financial backing), hanging around with buddies, going nutty with wacko cousins... loverly, loverly indeed...
I leave at 12 o clock cinderella style (ooh, I might loose my glass fen faivaan) and it is practically tradition for me to hang around til 3 the day before I leave and totally screw up ... I might actually have to pack myself this time (eeeeek!), but it's also fine coz I don't do it only coz I get too depressed...
So it's fine. Life is fine. No complaints. Just fine. Shouldn't I be happy with fine?
F.I.N.E.
G.O.O.D
Four letters. Neither word particularly aesthetically appealing. Then why the craving for one?
Wierd.
Off to have a 'fine' time... prolly will end up getting 'fine'-d in the process.
*now thats what I call a bad joke...*
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Everyday I think I should stop writing this crap.
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Almost Real
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My blogs have been... trippy lately yes? I started with jokes, to unloading heavy artillery... to lost... to avoiding the issue entirely...
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
Oh my child...
|
Once upon a time, there was a girl... a girl who had everything she could possibly need, luxuries other people only dreamed of... but she was also a lonely girl.. and a sad little princess...
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
Flowered curtains...
|
He sat my the bar table... lost deep in thought, tapping a familiar tune with one hand, cradling an empty wine glass in the other, dangerously and carelessly...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
GR.GR.GR.
|
I miss my exboyfriend... yes, I still do. Because I cannot still, cannot talk to anyone the way I could talk to him. Yes... he had issues that I talked to his best friends and shared stuff with other people but the truth is I let him inside the way no one ever has...
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
C- laa
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Life seems to be full of C's... And for once, I'm not talking about my assigment grades (hyuk!) ... Confusion, Collision, Complication, Corruption and Conflict. Resultant... crying and corrosion of my core.
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
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