Dhe loa ves tholheny...

ksuad;laiu;lfh jaskdl ahsldi askh fpoa ldjas ;f lkasdfjA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miadhakee balaa veri dhuvaheh!!!!
I'm soooo fucking frustrated!!!!!!!!
I just wrote a huge blog... and deleted the whole fucking thing.
I was the proud owner of a gorgeous limited 2006 edition spider zippo for fifteen minutes. And then it got stolen out of my fucking bag which was on my shoulder the entire fucking time!
I just came from an amazing-forever-gonna-be-unforgettable-full-of-love-and-excitement-once-in-a-lifetime-kinda-crazy-effing-mad-hilarious-and-wonderful-anyway-too-good-to-be-true one week holiday in Maldives. Aah!
Where by the by, I have managed to loose 24 000 Mrf worth in cash and goods. Lets see, it began with my Raybans, followed by my best friend's Raybans (from inside my house) and two other peoples 1500 in cash, my Ipod... within the two weeks prior to my departure I had successfully lost my phone and my wallet.
No I am not blond, nor am I blind, no am I careless! It is a fucking curse. I'm not even kidding. Did you happen to catch the Narnia flick? Exactly. My bag and my room are portholes to another galaxy/parallel world/whatever... and my stuff keeps swapping itself across time and space without my knowledge. AAAAAAAA! If I also happen to 'Kuljaaaa Sim Sim' (ie : vanish) into thin air, please follow suit and jump into my bag.
Uhu! Uhu... Uhu... Uhhhuuhhh... *kukuranee*... 'koki dhewa wa nee'..WAAAAAAAH!
Fucking bad luck. *sticks bottom lip about err... aaa ... couple of feet atleast)
But like I said 'twas so damn cool :)
I saw my girrrrrrrrrls... the desperate housewives... the snail, the frog, the chicken and the cow... LOL *moooo* ... the sex in the city chicks... the powerpuff girls (PLUS moooojo jojo!) *LMAO*

- dhivehi anhenunnakee zamaan feshuneessuren ves dhunfathu ge ishthiumaalu furihama ah kuranmun anna baeh (hence the gud gudaa) , we are just carrying on the tradition -
Aaah... we had Furt's bday celebration for about 24 hours... lol... I didn't sleep the entire week actually... oh so much fucking fun :) , kihineh nidhaanee... too many fucking things to do on my agenda...

-Theyo Rah-
And I'm an auntie too...I've a picture of my darling whale (the mother)...but not of the baby boy (sooo saad!!!! always in the nursery when I go, maybe the idea of meeting me makes the kiddo sick :s :( ) .... lol... Farata's baby little farata...or should I call him Naan? Maybe Roti Channai??? Anyway I chose the name! Yay! It's cool... first boy to see light of day for years and years in our family, so everyone is so thrilled. Sick of seeing pink I reckon.
I saw my little girl too...Sooo big now. Thinks she's even bigger. Silly girl can spell my name and hers... proud one I am. I know. *ruffles feathers*
Did a lil swimming...saw a lot of eye candy... it's like Male' keeps breeding more and more of hot guys... :) didn't go out too much... the usual cycle rides and coffees.... and visits to family...
Speaking of which I met up with my darling bro after a long time, the one who was in hiding in the land of transexuals (Thailand) and plastic surgery...he came with a few pieces of art and metals poking out, but other than that, looks and seems human. Was wonderful to catch up and laugh out guts out again :) *mwahs* ... Was lovely to RE-Bond *chuckles* with step bro too... ditto for friends specially Termite... ;)
Oh yeah but no answer to the pending questions although they've been marked down to just one very significant query... what to do though? Maybe I should just lean back and enjoy the moment rather than occupy more time and energy into analyzing what I should be revelling in... too young to worry and I mean it!
Jeez... the whole worlds problems are due to men. You... Me... the war in Iraq...
Tsk tsk...

Don't look back in anger - I heard them say...

I want to make this a cheerful post after such a long break... and hopefully I will soon enough actually post Langkawi trip pics and all the fun I had there. But this week is just too depressing, I don't have the energy to reminisce on happier days. At first I thought it was the withdrawals from a amazing holiday but now I just know its life itself. Happy thoughts! :/
I like Malaysia, I am grateful for the nice, easy life I am living.
It's just that when I moved here, I thought things would get better and easier to deal with or handle.. but it just seems like things are catching up with me again. No it's not college, nor is it studies. There is just some things about my life that I cant seem to de-traumatise myself from and get over. I know I can't keep running and hiding forever but it feels like a near impossibility that I will actually manage to banish the little men running around in my head.
Now I sound retarded. Jeez, maybe I actually am.
I constantly try to act like nothing in my life bothers me. A lot of it doesn't like I don't reprimand people for little negative gestures they say and do (like some peopel obsess over the way he or she SAID something), but then it gets to a point where I think maybe they are trying to tell me something about myself that is irritating and I'm just not getting it... then I progress to fully-fledged paranoia.
Thats when it comes to friends.
When it comes to guys and the whole other picture, things are even more fucked up. I know, how the fuck is that possible. But hey, apparently it is. I just can't seem to let go and let loose, it's a bit like I have this permanent pole up my arse... (metaphor for being uptight -- NOT that I'm anal-ly inclined, God you people - such dirty minds!)
I need to let go of so much baggage and move ahead and open up to new, brighter and greener pastures right? But I just can't and I don't know why. I've tried summing it down to one signle person or event but I can't - must be a pile up of the residue...
If I was some body else, I wouldn't be my friend. I would find myself too irritating. I don't like me anymore. So they tell me, if I don't like me, who will? To which I'd have to say, well that certainly explains a lot.
I tried to sit down and actually draw a map on a A4 paper of what bothers me. But I ended up scribbling flowers and marijuana leaves and cursing instead. So back to square one. Why the hell am I sooo DOWNNNN :(~~~~
I don't even feel like mingling these days, and that for some one as social as me, is just plain wierd. I'd rather sit at the pc and do nothing substancial. Or just pack away, I'm eating more than four meals a day. And I get tired easy. And I'n moody.
Fuck, now I sound like I'm preganant.
Oh my love life has been tooo SUCKY for that to even come CLOSE to a possibilty. How friggin sad is that. Pathetic. I need to accept that somethings just gotta remain as the past, or just friends and that not every one will be mean...and that different is still okay.
Why is it all so easy to put on paper... and so very hard to carry out in reality? Tsk... I always failed practicals...

Flashback to CNY!

If you have a musical soul you need to listen to this 22 year old pianist I've been obsessed with for a while now, his name is Maksim...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9FuJXvI9Uz4&mode=related&search=
Just watch that for starters, my favourite is still his 'Flight of the Bumblebee'

I just had the most amazing one week in Langkawi during Chinese New Year, met lots of new people and had a crazzzyyyy time with my new African friends... *yay!* ... I'll up some nice pics soon as I can.

The beaches are say... Kuda Bandos - Villingili standard, but I'll take what I can get and the atmosphere was perfect anyways, I just can't complain it was too good. The parties were nice... I fell in love with Reggae Bar... *sigh* I know so many friends who would seriously freak out there, SO SO FUCKING FUN!

But it got me homesick as well...The whole idea of waking up late, jogging to the beach, scream/sing/try to sing - ing and acting like 5 year olds... *aww*

LOL One Somalian guy we were with sang a gorgeous rendition of You're Beautiful and butchered the whole melody, James Blunt would be reduced to tears with this. It goes something like 'you're beautiful... I saw an angel, he was walking in the window, he wanted to give me a blow job, he had a pink dick'. The pink dick mentioned in the above paragraph (I'm trying to make bullshit sound intellectual here, gimme a break aite?) is in reference to the 'mystery of the missing vibrating condom' which SOMEONE bought and SOMEONE used (by the way on himself...) ROFL... It was a KrAxY trip indeed.

But thou shalt forgive thy drunken and high friends... ;) it was sooo fun and funny and I had the funnest time in a long long time..

We were such an international group... Somalian, Kenyan, Tanzanian, Maldivian, Indonesian... and met up with Americans, Swedish, Dubai people... heheh! Was cool. Plenty of eye - candy girls, and the possibility of wearing anything and nobody would know or care and just felt very liberated. Didn't even have phone or any other modern device. Me, clothes (sarongs and such), a lil cash and the great guitar.
Dhathuru dhiya meehun ge adhadhu : 11 ... 6 girls and 5 guys
Duration : About 4 days....
Fahaga kohlevey kanthah: I lost my phone a few hours before we left
Mode of Transport: Bus and ferry. There were so many poeple that our first trip was on 'Bus Sekolah'... Sniff sniff... But it got all better including VIP rooms after that...

LOLZ... lets just say it was a week to remember!

Present Continuous ... Not so perfect afterall...

Lately I've been really lost in thought. I mean it, I could be in the damned taxi and I'd just go into a whole different world altogether and I lose track of time, date and surrounding totally. Day dreaming I suppose. But very vividly, and it completely transports me somewhere else and I don't have ANY idea of what happened say for example, just then and right infront of me.
Honestly I am beggining to worry myself.
You know, I've realised I have so much of pain and anger and sadness buried inside me... life is not too complicated these days and I can see these emotions resurface and bubbling... the tip of the iceberg maybe... in any case, if I stop fighting, even to catch my breath I just know it will take me down deep with it, a world of dark depression and a cursed solitude.
I miss my old friends, I miss the familiarity... I keep having nagging feelings the world's moving on without me. Childish I know, but I wish I could just place a single finger and make it stop rotating, and spin on my terms... Just a day, on my terms...
Is it worth it? Has the years of friendship been worth it? Will it last? Does it matter? Why... why do I care?
There's two nagging feelings of 'unfinished business' and 'silk binds that are fast unravelling' I keep worrying about... Him and Her! Hehehe... two very special (under normal circumstances) people... with whom I feel a distance growing...
I guess relationships change with time, and everything..."yadi yadi yaa" "bla bla bla" but... I don't know I guess with one of them, I might be expecting no wait, hoping for too much... There's a fine line seperating friendship and the dangerzone - once you cross the line -- things will never be the same...
Oh there are some things in life you can never stop regretting...

Noted.

I watched Holiday today. And I am that desperate single woman in need of a home exchange. I seriously need fresh scenery... in the life department.
I want to live a meaningful life and everything around me is so insignificant and pointless. I feel like the littlest thing in the room and I absolutely mean nothing to anyone and anything.
I don't know what I'm thinking. One minute I definitely don't want to date... I know I don't want to date Maldivians any more.. The next I do definitely want to date and especially with V day coming up the old I HATE THE WORLD syndrome is growing stronger and stronger...

THE FUCKED UP EX'S TECHNIQUE
Step One Say 'HI'
Step Two Act innocent and be the good one
Step Three Bring someone else into the picture
Step Four Get them to talk shit and do your dirty work
Step Five Making the VICTIM feel helpless/worthless/needy
Step Six Act like both the Hero and the Saviour
PATAS! YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANT!!!
Step Seven *reverse psychology* When things go wrong again,
remind the victim how much they owe you loyalty for
saving them.

Movie eh balailee yo

Yesterday me and my new partz *hi five, low five, side five* :P and some other jokers went to a movie yesterday which featured --> BRAD PITT... *orgasmic sighs* but he was seriously not so good in it...
The movie was a bit graphic, starting off with masturbating scenes and stuff but if you consider the movie as a whole, I liked it in a way. It was shot in four different continents, showing how lives are interconnected (not necessarily in the same time period by the way) over one single 'accident'.
The thing I appreciated most about the movie is that it is the clearest depiction of human desperation I've watched in a movie. The child; blaming everyone around him...lying and scared. The deaf girl who needs to know that she too can be desired...
I mean, maybe it was sick for some people to see the woman who was shot, trying to pee while her husband helped her...and he kissed her afterwards. But to her the world would have been ending, she had no guarantee she would breathe for very long. She was in the most undignified position imaginable. Women preen, we all glory in making ourseleves look pretty... it would be heartbreaking to actually have to die in such humiliation. In essence, by kissing her and expressing love and desire, her husband is giving her courage to stop fighting. Anyone would need that... need to feel like they are still human, still lovable... in the worst of conditions...
Proof enough ha...
Like everyone was a bit 'what a slut' with the Jap girl in the movie... but think about it, you're deaf and can't communicate properly. In this sort of superficial world, it wouldn't be easy to be left out and stagger behind. To see every one of your friends be loved would be hard... to see even your deaf counterparts would wreck your self esteem and break your heart. I know a lot of girls who have taken nearly the same measures to reassure themselves that they are desirable. And these a beautiful normal girls I'm talking about. How different would life be with a handicapp?
Hm.. Just made me think you know...about desperate times in my life... One time I remember throwing up constantly and there was this person who was helping me out as in like rubbing my back and so on and telling me that person cares and it'll be okay and hugging me afer wards coz I was soo 'dead' ... heheh thats the sort of thing that makes you realise how genuine people can be... Then a time I had fever and my best friend literally fed me and all...
That's friendship. That's caring. I was desperate...
Proving that humans really do need humans...

Sceneryyyyyy

The view from my room... in Mont Kiara



The view from my balcony...


The pool!!!!

The woes... the woes...

OBS can ruin lives.

I'm serious. People need to seek help for this sort of thing. Whether it's the fact that you cannot tolerate fingerprints on your dressingtable and polish it 24/7 or whether you cannot help your self from calling your adult daughter every once an hour, whether you cannot help but constantly imagine your girlfriend humping some other homo sapien (or not?).

Take a break! Have a kitkat...

People need to chill out and live / let live... Without suffocating those around them. Do not monopolize on the O2 you freaks!!!!!

Frustration, haththahaaves FRUSTRATION!
Churaaliyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

An individual face is capable of more than 10, 000 combinations of expression

And all of them end here. :P
Ive been having a great time in MY, feeling independant but not like in UK when I was totally insecure and scared.
Its like, not unfamiliar... and I've been through the process already so yeah, that comfort is there too. Besides Malaysia is a great place to live, and I've got dhivehi friends around to make me feel at home too, and I have my sis to cry to too... heheh it's all very good...
Studies are fun too, I'm doing this program which prepares me for LLB (starting Jan 2008) and it's 70% coursework and 30% exams. This means, no stress and plenty of time to integrate into the place... :D Meeting people, doing projects with them, building up confidence via the many many presentations and a chance to be creative too. Perfect for me, really.
I'm not going out much unless it's pool time after school and that too is just to get to know my classmates (local and otherwise) better... I did go to Savanh one night and met one damn hot Iranian and French guy... Went on a DD with the frenchie and his buddy Pierre too... was fun :)
I'm done dating Maldivians by the way. :/ It's heartbreak plus HUMILIATION. My last try ended up with so much disappointment, I don't know where to begin anymore. So the current plan is to start anew, and afar... and re-do...
I have a loaaaaaaaaaaaaabi pool in my new home too... hurey adhi up kollaanan nice pix kolheh ves :)
Life has the same old shit revolving though, but for now Ive got some awesome distractions... speaking of which, it's TGI FRIDAY!!!! Hehehehe, what the hell am I doing home right?!!! Off for a movie with mates...
I don't want to live in Maldives anymore either. Anywhere but there.

Chenkiyu

First of all, I had an amazing birthday during which I stayed home... caught a noon movie with my aunt and 2 friends... and had dinner at Mum's house... and stayed home a bit more! Hehehe, no no sarcasm there, it was peaceful and pleasant...
I feel toned down and it suited me perfectly, coz I got time to reflect and enjoy myself and really chill out...
The people I adore most therein one called :D and exactly on time too, way to go - you were the first among friends and really impressed me ;)
As for the other one... well I miss her so much but there's been this distance growing between us and I don't understand quite why. I respect her space but I'd really like to know whats going wrong, I'd like to hear from her once in a while... and I'd love to hear her voice on my birthday :(... which didn't happen of course... it's just that I'm having a personal crisis only she can understand and only she can give me support through... and I feel like I lost my rock and I'm just drifting away!
Family was around and those not around called and I heard the prettiest rendition of Happy Bday ever from my baby sis... :D
My friends in Malay were soooo sweet too :)
All in all, I had positive people around me and it was a great vibe all the way, and I couldn't be happier...
Thanks everyone, for making it great

MY ideal bday cake :p

It's just another day, but who knows?

It's only half an hour to my birthday...
And I just wanna declare there are 2 things I want to happen on my birthday... that's being wished by my two most favourite people in the world...
And there are two gifts I'm looking forward to; a new guitar, and going home in March (Insha Allah) specifically to spend time with some special people ^-^
But what will disappoint me most, will be being forgotten... :(
Coz I love my friends a lot, and big pressies don't hold as much value as the thought... I don't like expensive gifts (the guitar and the trip can be explained, believe me :P) ... well, I know I'd rather have a handmade card, or picked out flower even, anything personal is special... A call made from home just to say you care... you know?
Yeah...
Hehhee... This is my wish list this year...
Love you all...
Will update on what actually happened :)

I don't like the LOST series.

The first thing we learn, from the moment that we open our eyes and take our very first breath... is that there is very little in this constantly changing world that we can control...

If there is anything at all...

It frustrates me so much, from time to time I tense up and start tearing my hair out before I gradually cool down, sit tight and take a 'chill pill' so to speak. It's hard to accept these kinds of defeat don't you think? It's hard when the solution formulae is so fucking easy, so simply and sweet... and you are absolutely powerless when it comes to implementing it and making it a part of reality.

Why do I exist? Just a specimen from billions around the globe... do I have a purpose? Do any of us have any purpose? We can't control our own destinies, what can we even hope to achieve. And what do these eagerly declared 'acheivements' really mean? Is there any glory to things we can't explain, understand or control?

I just wish... I could take some things and sort them out... I know how to... I just can't. And this feeling of hopelessness seems to outweigh any other of these so called achievements yada yada. There are so many people I'd like to see happy, so many flaws I'd like to see fixed...so many problems I wish I could solve.

I wish I could stop the world from changing so fast. From people changing so fast. I think people can outgrow people you know. Specially if you've been through a lot together... you either stick together for life, or run like hell because you can't stand to be reminded of the past, of your pain, of your weakness.

Still, if you're the one being left behind all alone... what if thats the case? I don't know... I just feel really lost... doesn't help that I'm far away... I just feel like I'm loosing something (dunno what exactly), that the bonds I cherish so much are fading... and I don't know what I'm doing or how/if I can prevent it... I feel so damn detached. I know I know, stage that comes with moving out for studies... but still... this pain goes pretty deep. Maybe because old wounds are still fresh ...

I just wish I wasn't so lost.

Addiction to Abuse

Maybe abuse is addictive because of the abuser not the abusee... As in person A convinces person B by means of manipulation and mindplay, that abuse itself is the one true expression of love and affection, when in reality it is not.

This game continues till even the most educated person; a well rounded, sensibl, responsible individual, is now fully confused about his / her own beliefs and boundaries.

It is made possible not because of a weakness, or stupidity but because person b has already been trusted Person B so much (achieved via false play involving extravagance and great amounts of attention) , the damage is already done... trust is where is stems... and that is what person A is playing with... Person B may be a strong person but the trust is a vulnerability that perhaps was forgone unknowingly...

The real question for me atleast is why Person A actually does this, uses Person B. One likely possibility is that Person A believes, from the bottom of his / her heart that he / she / it / they :P deserve this I dunno... hm... DIVINE amount of attention, and they are truly totally selfish... maybe they feel the only way they can protect and maintain Person B is by making B abide to all of their rules all the time, totally forgetting that B is a person of his / her own and has a right to their lives.

That's more on the emotional aspect of it though. I personally find it hard to believe how you can sooooo totally lose your temper that you can't see what you are inflicting on the person infront of them. How could one person be so blind, so deaf, so cruel... so blatantly?

One is that if its socially the norm then the person has no idea what he / she is doing is wrong... this is all because the Abuser is conditioned to believe that what he / she is doing to Person B is what that person deserves - a duty perhaps to Person A... or a higher power... whatever.

I can rationalise the actions and words even more but personally I fail to see how it's right, how it could be forgiven even... I could never live with my self should I make my own children bleed. Much less a stranger... people I chose to bring into my life (like lovers) either.

I'm not dramatizing a slap administered in a fit of fury but rather, punch after punch and blow after blow... with tools, barehands and more... that really is inhuman. And there is nothing any one could do or say to deserve such treatment. Except perhaps to do the same.

Almost forgot - 2007

Happy New Year - friends, family, aquaintances, fellow boggu-ers... :D

I'm celebrating another new year out of Maldives. Yea yea, :P. Varah foohi is the vey but what is the me is the gonna do. Is the no choice la.
Am in Malay, KL ... and it wasn't a total loss don't get me wrong...had lavish dinner and danced the night away in Hilton/Meridan. Was quite okay aslu.. good company, good food, good drinks, good music... missed a lot of people though, very much. Was good to know they were having fun!

(Wichout Me. WAAAAH!)

Celeb spot : VJ Asha and some other Chann V people. Didn't affect ma life though. Sigh!!!! Why does my Mom, who has no idea who the hell Aish Rai is or say Dino Morea is have to land up with Jon Abraham. I mean, seriously... fucking no fair... I'm the one who is obsessed with the dude :( (well no, but he's got one hekkuva hot ass :D )

Cha chao guys. May '07 be better, I don't see how, but hey, maybe the fates have been just playing with ya all ya life and this time its all gonna be outstanding. HAH! :P ... Bless you, and seriously hope everyone gets their taste of success and smiles...

Profound Conversations VS Utter Gibberish

I was talking to a friend this morning... and we were talking about beautiful people and beautiful relationships and how some times they aren't really enough... and we got to talking about the other side of the story...

The person who ends up being disillusioned and hurt while the other person is still discovering him or herself... soul searching so to speak. Does it make the pain any easier to know what to expect... ?

Maybe we can prevent our selves from expecting happiness, but can we ever stop ourselves from hoping? If we need to protect our selves from being hurt and the risk really lies in hoping, can we isolate ourselves from feeling anything beautiful and still keep on living?

I think... that given the right scenario... I might just go ahead with the journey... knowing the most likely outcome, not particularly expecting any dreams to flower ahead... of course there is a glimmer or two of hope, because you can't really help that, but you're trying to simply enjoy the moment and not think about the future. And you just 'hope' again, that when the moment is over, its swift and painless and as clean as possible.

Like a flame... you're not quite sure why it's alight but it is... because someone decided it's time to be... and you can cover it but still sooner or later it's bound to burn out... be it a lack of fuel, a gust of wind, soaked by water; it will die... and it probably will leave a scar, or a burn, or a stain even... but there's no telling how strong the mark will be... and what exactly it will change. And maybe that's not what we should concentrate on... maybe we should enjoy the light and the warmth and the beauty and take comfort in the memory of it; rather than focus on what could happen to it and what would follow... but we should be prepared for the cold, the emptiness and the darkness all the same.

If it's inevitable why fight it? Maybe you feel it's worth fighting for but maybe you'll just end up the naive fool. Sometimes silence is golden. Not very rewarding but still strong protection. Go along with the flow, you know it can't destroy you either way - kind of philosophy going there.


And I've been blabbering too much again.

Movie jogs memory

From the character Beverly Clark played by actress Susan Sarandon in the movie 'Shall We Dance?' is a quote that comes across to me as somewhat profound but at the same time very simple and possibly believeable...
Why people get married...
Why people can't enjoy being single.. (actually, why I cannot maybe)
Why people need children...
Suffice to me, from my point of view, but then again everyone is supposed to be diffent ha... I don't know, seems to me that everyones pretty much the same when you come down to it, so this could very well be a universal truth with a percentae of DENIAL involved. Or the other way around. Maybe.
So she goes...when questioned by the Detective on why people get married...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

Pretty. It is entirely too possible I've blogged about this before, but hey I can slip up now and then (or even all the time, who's to complain huh???) Anyways... I liked this bit and suddenly for some reason watching the movie just now gave me this little sense of comfort during what I would call a really confusing, upsetting and scary period in my life...

What upsets me is still a reality in my life... And I don't know if I'm ever gonna be over the whole scenario but hey, I'ma be okay... I think. I know I seem a lot more okay than I am to the people around me. Hell, I deserve a fuckin oscar.

You don't have to bleed to hurt ha, that's all I gotta say now.

Disappointed

I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't have expected anything.
But it feels like a betrayal.
Maybe it's just my ego talking.
So easy to replace huh?
Yeah yeah, men... grr... you are the one... two... three... four... five...
Wadeva maan.

Cho is the Ke

I wonder

Do you know how it feels?
The suns shining on your face, you're walking down the road wearing your fav jeans and tee, all comfy... You see mates on the road, wave a hi... Grinning and humming...
You look fine and all great... happy go lucky I'd say...
Inside you're tearing apart... listen closely, you're playing black metal and the smile on your face is coz you're really feeling the suicidal screams... You close your eyes and you're visualising being stabbed... you can almost see the ropes tightening... you glance at your wrists and far as you're concerned they're bleeding...
The life's draining out of you...
You know you're not the only one with problems but hey, what good does knowing that really do? You fucking hate your life anyways.
I reach office. I take out my lil electronic key and slam it against the reader. I kick the door open and take a deep breath. Light up my cig...
And I smile again.