A Rant That Sums Up My Blogger Absence

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It feels pathetic to keep blogging about the same guy, over and over again, especially years after we ended and even though there have been other people since, in both our lives. That is not to suggest that I am even remotely a part of his life anymore. It is simply about the fact that we lived in this house together, the house I currently live in alone. I picked out so much of the furniture based on what we ‘our’ preferences and tastes, it is so much a reflection of who I was back then, and who we were together. Although that has very little to do with the person I’ve evolved into being since, little things like watching a movie in my bedroom and glancing over my shoulder into an empty spot make me miss who I was, and what we had. Now especially, I have the last thing he said to me haunting me, echoing in my ears... he told me that me breaking up with him was the best thing that ever happened to him. Apparently it led to him appreciating his life and self worth ... or some shit of that sort. I know should be happy for him and I am, the part of me that struggled so much to make him the amazing guy I knew he could be is thrilled for him, so happy that he is finally turning into the man I knew he always was inside. I struggle to understand why it bothers me so much as of recently... is it because I’m single now? But I’ve been single for a while. Even if there was someone else, I have been mostly single, and remain commitment phobic. I guess it’s because the part of me that always longed to see him turn into that guy, the part of me that was the loving girlfriend seeking what she deserved in return.. that part of me is, truth be told, furious. I know that its selfish and stupid and believe me, I know there were very real reasons as to why I broke up with him and why I refused on so many occasions to take him back. I don’t think I even want to be back with him, deep down inside I don’t think if I had the chance that it would even work out because I am truly beyond trusting him and forgiving him in that way... but I finally see him becoming that amazing guy... and I don’t feel like it’s the actions of an addict trying to act normal, but a guy finally in recovery... and I know this is not about me anymore, this is his life and god it is so beyond selfish but... everytime I see the two of them or even hear his voice, or see him (which I was so praying wouldn’t happen but Male’ is such a godforsaken small little trap)... I end up feeling so cheated, of my time and my love, because I poured in so much of myself into that relationship... and I got zilch in return. We had a good year maybe... and we had some wonderful times and memories... but by the time it ended... it was almost enough to forget that... I don’t think I could ever give myself to anyone like that again... and I think that makes me angriest of all... that he robbed me of that.
For some time, I felt like a friend who came into the picture, we apparently had feelings for each other, well I definitely did, but he regardless did not want to commit... well I felt like he broke the last strand of me... but looking back now, all I felt then was residual anger from this previous relationship. I had known what I had with this guy was temporary and it was just anger left over that poured into it, anger that I had not dealt with because I’d jumped into this distraction so soon. My friends don’t understand why I forgave this guy, but it is only because he is, for all sakes and purposes irrelevant. I just sort of expected him to replace this epic relationship I’d had with this other guy and felt something that wasn’t even real so I have no anger here.
Only in the man that broke my heart a year ago. And only because this last relationship made me realise that I would never be able to love anyone like that again... atleast not for a very very long time. And that it what I got from my relationship with him, while he was busy healing from his scars... I was busy realising I was scarred almost beyond repair. I whine I whine I whine some more I know... but come on, you gotta appreciate here the sadistic irony that is my life.
Damn it feels good to let that all loose here! I've forgotten how therauputic this thing is..

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