Don't look back in anger - I heard them say...

I want to make this a cheerful post after such a long break... and hopefully I will soon enough actually post Langkawi trip pics and all the fun I had there. But this week is just too depressing, I don't have the energy to reminisce on happier days. At first I thought it was the withdrawals from a amazing holiday but now I just know its life itself. Happy thoughts! :/
I like Malaysia, I am grateful for the nice, easy life I am living.
It's just that when I moved here, I thought things would get better and easier to deal with or handle.. but it just seems like things are catching up with me again. No it's not college, nor is it studies. There is just some things about my life that I cant seem to de-traumatise myself from and get over. I know I can't keep running and hiding forever but it feels like a near impossibility that I will actually manage to banish the little men running around in my head.
Now I sound retarded. Jeez, maybe I actually am.
I constantly try to act like nothing in my life bothers me. A lot of it doesn't like I don't reprimand people for little negative gestures they say and do (like some peopel obsess over the way he or she SAID something), but then it gets to a point where I think maybe they are trying to tell me something about myself that is irritating and I'm just not getting it... then I progress to fully-fledged paranoia.
Thats when it comes to friends.
When it comes to guys and the whole other picture, things are even more fucked up. I know, how the fuck is that possible. But hey, apparently it is. I just can't seem to let go and let loose, it's a bit like I have this permanent pole up my arse... (metaphor for being uptight -- NOT that I'm anal-ly inclined, God you people - such dirty minds!)
I need to let go of so much baggage and move ahead and open up to new, brighter and greener pastures right? But I just can't and I don't know why. I've tried summing it down to one signle person or event but I can't - must be a pile up of the residue...
If I was some body else, I wouldn't be my friend. I would find myself too irritating. I don't like me anymore. So they tell me, if I don't like me, who will? To which I'd have to say, well that certainly explains a lot.
I tried to sit down and actually draw a map on a A4 paper of what bothers me. But I ended up scribbling flowers and marijuana leaves and cursing instead. So back to square one. Why the hell am I sooo DOWNNNN :(~~~~
I don't even feel like mingling these days, and that for some one as social as me, is just plain wierd. I'd rather sit at the pc and do nothing substancial. Or just pack away, I'm eating more than four meals a day. And I get tired easy. And I'n moody.
Fuck, now I sound like I'm preganant.
Oh my love life has been tooo SUCKY for that to even come CLOSE to a possibilty. How friggin sad is that. Pathetic. I need to accept that somethings just gotta remain as the past, or just friends and that not every one will be mean...and that different is still okay.
Why is it all so easy to put on paper... and so very hard to carry out in reality? Tsk... I always failed practicals...