KFC is evil. Diet ge halaaku. Mi hafthaa ga melheny hetakah. But I reckon my personal happiness ranks higher than my health (or rather, my dress size) right now.

So, :P to all the meanie calories staring and sneering at me. You hear me? I. Don’t. Care.

Atleast for the moment :):D

I usually detest shopping. But today was nice. I got myself some FIFA fever… b’day presents all ticked off, people better like what they get. Sigh...

If only the sun would shine…

But it is UK, and that is stretching it I suppose.

No more black hair for me. I’m going brown today. That’s the I-lost-count-ages-ago time that I’m dying my hair in 6 months. Let me tell you, brunette or blonde – life still sucks. Hehehe… no one has more fun L Did I ever mention though that I am obsessed with hair? I will refuse to go out unless I like the way it looks…that and my nails…drives me mad… I’m constantly destroying it by wacko experiments…

I say, blue-black hair is nice though… makes me feel… more chic… I saw this dude with electric blue hair in City Center today and he looked pretty damn good… Almost convinced me to chuck away my anti-foreign guy dating policy… (not really a policy…they just don’t seem to attract me)…

Oh, I’m in such a girly mood today….I’ve become girlier since coming to UK I think… oh well, a campus full of women, what do you expect… Tsk… Dad’s hidden agenda…

Hair is a good way of expressing your individuality of course (yes, I am trying to inject a little intelligence into this blog but as you can see I fail miserably…) …Mohawks are cool… or, you could imitate ‘Haamaan’, Ronaldo etc by shaving it all off (or say you shaved it all off… wen its starts falling… ). This latter option is pretty interesting because it’s economical as well, when you’re on your motorcycle, you no longer need headlights….

Ooi I discovered the cutest blog today… http://www.sheldonhickey.com/blog/ it is so cute… and a pretty good idea… I wanna baby!!!!

Ahem… moving on… me have a course to prepare for…

Btw my hair is now brown! Chocolate brown… bronzy… me likes… reminds me of sin… ie. chocolate… oh shit… bad for the diet…

Good excuse; I couldn’t help nicking the choc… the reflection in the mirror just made me crave too much.. :P

The moments you could live without...

There is nothing quite as devastating as losing someone you love. Losing two of the best friends I’ve ever had taught me a lot about that. It’s not something you ever wish to face… the words you never want to hear.

Perhaps worse though, is the fear that you are losing someone. That never-ending fear that he/she is going to leave you… especially if it is someone so close to you that you take him/her for granted…the thought that someday they might not be around… is incredibly painful.

Fear may not be rational, but then again logic has always been over run by human emotion so that argument doesn’t even come into this picture, as far as I am concerned. And cancer evokes a very real fear… strong…

I thought this disaster would be over… but it returns to haunt us… I can bear being so far away… and not being able to be there for her. All I can think about is the hundreds upon hundreds of times I have selfishly complained about her…so many a time I’ve let her down… and today, I am absolutely incapable of easing her pain. Such a over-powering sense of weakness… and time wasted. Time that who knows, I may never have.

Maybe you think I’m being dramatic. I guess it’s different for everyone, and I guess you have to know the entire story to understand. Still scares the hell out of me…

She’s always been there for me. Every time I’ve done something stupid, I see the disappointment shining in her eyes but nevertheless she has always been there for me.

She’s the woman I want to become in her strength, and her compassion… her unconditional love for her family… It just seems all so bloody unfair… And I can see her strength is not what it used to be… I can’t blame her either.

Faith fails me sometimes… Why would someone as good as her have to face so much turbulence in her life, hasn’t she gone through enough already? Why would God take away the one and only person I know will always be there for me, no matter how badly I fuck it all up, the one person who loves me beyond any doubt? The one person I love enough to die for… seriously, there is something wrong with this picture…

She wanted so much from me… I couldn’t give her. From good results academically, to finding a good guy instead of playing around… which is not my fault really, just bad luck… oh well, I guess it is my fault for being too damn picky sometimes… and determined to find what I want, when I could have been satisfied with a decent dude… maybe that’s what I should do. Just settle… and do whatever I can to get the sort of future she hopes for me.

All the times I’ve complained about how ‘blonde’ she is… how different we can be… it keeps coming to mind… and the tears refuse to stop. I feel ridiculous… but those are the things I love most about her… how she can be so strong and supportive and wise… and sometimes so naïve and so sweet… and so loving…so forgiving…

I feel disconnected… confused. Upset? Yeah, of course. Helpless…

Summer vacation seems a lot more bleak right now… my friends here have been absolutely lovely about cheering me up… but BBQ’s and pool parties aren’t distracting me… Driving up to Bath was nice… a beautiful day in a beautiful city with my beautiful friends… but at the house (a mansion to tell you the truth) all I could think about was how much she’d have loved being there…

And all the dreams we’d cooked up… essentially she one of my ‘my best friend’ s… but she is my personal support system and I am hers… it just hurts to be so far away… unable to call her (or anyone… stupid phone has no credit and I can’t call and talk to any human)… all my life she has been by my side, and I can never repay my debts… but we are closer in our relationship than almost anyone else I know is…

We talk about everything, and cry together… from illness, to family complications… to the men who have come and gone in our lives… and to think that she is suffering so much, so far away… to think that she could be gone … kills me.

I am being a seriously worrying social recluse today. But can you blame me? I’m like floating around in a dead shell.

My jumbled chain of thought...

Butterflies are pretty creatures… I was fascinated by the sight of one fluttering about my window this morning. Symbolic aren’t they? Yeah…found something {http://www.khandro.net/animal_butterfly.htm} written on the topic… have a peek. If you like these fluttery things… you’ll find this cute!

Personally though, I prefer dragonflies… (twas one ‘tochin’ movie as well)

This ‘woman like a man’ song is just totally becoming my song… but then that’s me I always outplay songs…I have to say though, y’all who suggested it were right… it’s pretty ‘me’ (whatever that means… :P )

Fellow bored friends, you know what’s worth looking up? American Pie – as in the meaning behind the song. Good musical background information… and interesting…

I was studying Gia Carangi today… not a particularly shocking life. Perhaps at the time… she is after all one of the first celebs to have been diagnosed with HIV… today her story is common place among most of us… we all know someone who has sexual frustrations (we aren’t talking about lonely kids stuck at home :P), or a destructive addiction… self harm… violence…something along those lines…dho? Sad innit?

I could go on about the social causes… but I am very sick of it all at the moment… still Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah is worth a read if any one is looking for an insight into why exactly Male’ is turning into the ghetto’s or for that matter, anyone failing to see 50 cent’s appeal.

I think I could probably see (twisted viyas) logic in a lot of ‘crimes’ … but things like

Child Pornography I really do not understand. I can’t imagine how twisted you’d have to be to find pleasure in abusing a kid… there is nothing that pisses me off more. How internet in all it’s ‘anonymity’ and ‘limitless access to other people’ has boosted this sort of activity is disgusting. Paedophilic perations like ‘w0nderland’ and ‘Shadowz Brotherhood’ ought to be I dunno… murdered or locked up for life I think. I don’t care how messed up these people are, some people deserve to fucking die.

Look at these stats for instance…

Some 7,250 of them are located in the UK an, starting in May 2002, a series of raids has been conducted by local police forces under the general heading of "Operation Ore", resulting - by April 2004 - in:

• 4100 addresses searched
• 3500 people arrested
• 1670 people charged
• 1230 people convicted
• 1300 investigations ongoing

Among those charged have been 50 police officers. The most high profile British customer of this site has been the rock star Pete Townsend who subsequently received a police caution and whose name was added to the Sex Offenders' Register for five years.

Isn’t that more than just a bit worrying? And these are countries with pretty good facilities to reach out to when you are in a bad situation. I mean, I’m living in Britain now, and I know that I can protect my self and my rights if I want to, but Raaje ga it’s not so easy. I can’t imagine the number kids who do not realise that they are being abused… or perhaps their parents don’t understand what he/she/ is trying to say… worse still … maybe it is being deliberately ignored? It’s pretty true especially with young girls…

That’s what I think you say? Been there done that. I know that nothing will result from an official complaint, aside from your own reputation (the kid or the parent…whatever) becoming tarnished perhaps. Bloody unfair? Of course it is. Things really, really need to change… I won’t even begin on how sites like Balaabodu or Crazy Maldivians accelerate/generate these kinds of attitudes… basically exploiting people over the web… grrr…

UK is weird. The sun shine is killing me, yet I still feel cold! And unlike the rest of the population, I’m not half-naked either!

Ah well. Back to my tea for now. Chao… (love my tea light and sweet!)

Lil note : (Nice song, good tune…fun to play and fun-er to sing. If you wanna play this thing I hope you got your bars down… very rhythmic)

Woman Like A man - Damien Rice

Standard Tuning

Key of Dm (Dm Scale: D E F G A Bb C)

Intro:

Dmin Bbmin Gmin Fmin* Fmin*/E

Dmin Bbmin Gmin Cmin(with 2 hammer-ons)

(Repeat with a single hammer on at end)

Dm

I need a piss

Bbm

Wanna hate

Gm

Fuck it up

Cm

Come

Dm

My love

Bbm

Eat your meat

Gm

Keep your teeth

Cm

Run

Dm

You lost me

Bbm

You cost me

Gm--------------------Fm* Fm*/E

You thought me of me, yeah

Dm

We're bad

Bbm

What we do

Gm---------(REST)

Stupid fools

--------------Dm (Bass & Drums enter)

You wanna get boned

--------------Bbm

You wanna get stoned

----------------Gm---------------Cm(with hammer-on)

You wanna get a room like no-one else

-------------Dm

You wanna be rich

-------------Bbm

You wanna be kitch

-----------------Gm-------------Cm(with hammer-on)

You wanna be the bastard of yourself.

--------------Dm

You wanna get burned

--------------Bbm

You wanna get turned

--------------Gm--------------Cm(with hammer-on)

You wanna get fucked inside out

-------------Dm

You wanna be ruled

-------------Bbm

You wanna be fooled

---------------Gm

You wanna be a woman like a man

Cm

Like A, like A, like A

Chorus:

Dm----------------Bbm---------Gm-----------------------Cm

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Dm----------------Bbm---------------Gm-----------------------Cm

Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Dm----------------Bbm---------Gm-----------------------Cm

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Dm----------------Bbm---------Gm-----------------------Cm

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

I need a hit

Want to wait

Suck it up

Come

My love

Eat your meat

Itchy feet

Run

You reach me

You bleach me

You teach me of me

How familiar

We're bad

What we do

Stupid fools

You wanna get boned

You wanna get stoned

You wanna get a room like no-one else

You wanna be rich

You wanna be kitch

You wanna be the bastard of yourself

You wanna get burned

You wanna get turned

You wanna get fucked inside out

You wanna be ruled

You wanna be fooled

You wanna be a woman like a man

Like a woman, like a, like a man

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

Cello part for guitar (Play 4 times ending on the E note bracketed below on the last repeat):

D--12--10---------------------------

A----------13--12--10---------------

E----------------------13--(12)--10-

You wanna get boned

You wanna get stoned

You wanna get a room like no-one else

You wanna be rich

You wanna be kitch

You wanna be the bastard of yourself

You wanna get burned

You wanna get turned

You wanna get fucked inside out

You wanna be ruled

You wanna be fooled

You wanna be a woman like a man

Like a woman, like a, like a man

Like a man, like a man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man

Like a man, man, man, man, man, man

Woman like a man

Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, woman like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a man

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man,

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man,

(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)

Woman like a man, like a man, woman like a man, ike a man.

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

(It really wasn't worth the ride)

‘Evves meehakah nulibeyne emeehakah libidhaane kamah emeehaku gabool nukuraa etcheh’

‘Faiboa golainaa noonee hama nuvanee tha?’

So you really want to know huh?
Nivea; this blog is for you. You will not come to know more than you already do, but are unwilling to accept.

I don’t care if this makes you think of me as someone with zero self esteem. The simplest answer to that question is another question. Visnun hunna, hama budheega vaa, rangalhu kujjeh aharen kahala meehaka (dhen adu araafa vaagothun viyas) hayaatheh heydha kuran beynun vane tha? Nuvaane. Ehenve, mashah vuren balhu meehakah dho mashaa ekkoh ulheveynee.

I know you don’t approve of half the decisions I make. But I really have very little to lose. Maybe you are right… I have nothing to gain either. I just don’t want to fool myself into hoping for something because even hope is quite something to have to lose. I spare myself that sort of degrading humiliation and pain.

That is all I have to say on the topic. I am going to continue to blog about the simplistic layers of life, above the veins and the blood that rushes through because I will never, ever bleed again. Don’t try to cut through that.

Day 2. Boredom Overload...

The angel’s top ten sexiest songs (special moments… events … nights):

Rastaman Vibrations – Bob Marley!!! *joke* :P Pakaaaaaaaaaaas…

1. Morcheeba – The Sea
2. Living To Love You – Sarah Connor
3. Slow – Bobby Valentino
4. Insatiable – Darren Hayes
5. Sexual Healing – Ben Harper
6. Your Body Is A Wonderland – John Mayer (to my friends; I know how many times I’ve said I hate this song but I was biased against this due to a certain person and it just doesn’t matter anymore so :P)
7. Only One Time – Enya
8. Just Like Heaven – Katie Melua
9. Unintended – Muse
10. Break So Easy – Jonathan Rice
11. Glorybox – Portishead
12. World Upon Your Shoulders – SilverChair
13. Eki Rey Rey – Sultans
14. Rey Otheemey (acoustic version)
15. Patience – Guns N Roses (apparently the song was about Axl and his now ex-wife simultaneous orgasm eh naisgeno :P or a failed relationship… I forget which)

I feel cheesy if that makes any sense, today… and so I proudly present (btw, special attn to the version as well)…

The angel’s top twenny tear inducing romantic musical concoctions :

1. Eternal Flame – MYMP ( My favourite… and this version is the least corny one, the most gorgeous one of all)
2. If you’re not the one – Daniel Bedding field (Over played, but lyrics are just like no other)
3. When you say nothing at all – Ronan Keating (Everyone has felt that sometime)
4. Baby Can I Hold You – Tracy Chapman
5. November Rain – Guns N Roses
6. Right Here Waiting For You – Richard Marx
7. Wherever You Will Go – The Calling
8. Blower’s Daughter – Damien Rice
9. Can’t Help Falling In Love – Darren Hayes (Nothing personal with Presley but this version, right time and right moment is just lush…)
10. Heaven (acoustic) – Bryan Adams
11. Hanging By A Moment – Lifehouse
12. She – Elvis Costello
13. We Belong Together – Gavin DeGraw (Bad lyrics, beautiful melody)
14. Chaaley – Trio
15. Almost Here – Delta Goodrem Feat. Brian McFadden
16. From This Moment – Shania Twain
17. Belong Together – Mariah Carey
18. I Wanna Grow Old With You - Westlife
19. Eheelun – Illsite
20. A Whole New World (full orchestral, symphonic version… everyone knows the lyrics anyway)

I have a lil countdown chart till the 8th on my pin board now. How sad is that? Just hope this ain’t gonna be a disappointing summer… I don’t even know what I mean by that! Just… Well life’s sucked for a while. I hope things don’t get fucked again. Easter started out sweet and ended more than bitter. Maybe that’s just the way things are meant to be? Hope not…

Top Break-up/Single Songs (also applies for LD’s)

(You know, I think I may have made similar lists before. Oh heck. I’m bored and exams have churned my brains to mush. To hell with it. Here you go again!)

Warning: Most of these songs aren’t a very good idea if you are trying to be emotionally detached.

1. My Immortal - Evanescence
2. Strange Relationship – Darren Hayes
3. Bad Habit – Destiny’s Child
4. Don’t Cry – Guns N Roses
5. Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper Feat. Pearl Jam
6. Halo – Haley James Scott
7. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
8. I Bruise Easily – Natasha Bedingfield
9. The First Cut Is The Deepest – Rod Stewart
10. I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan
11. Right Here Waiting – Staind
12. Nobody’s Listening - Avril Lavigne
13. Here Without You – 3 Doors Down
14. Wild World – Cat Stevens
15. Till Kingdom Come – Coldplay
16. Leave Right Now – Will Young
17. Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt
18. Breathe – Anne Nalick
19. Aadheys – Unoosha
20. Crazy – Aerosmith

My top quotes from my friends… (Yes, real live people! :P pakaaaaaaaaaas, was browsing through a few chat logs today :S yes, that bored… and homesick too. Tell me if any of you don’t want this here, I’ll remove it ingey…)

‘Sex and love making are completely different. You can be the expert on one and a total virgin to the other.’

‘I just don’t think of her as a girlfriend, seriously… she’s always been a fuck buddy to me’

‘Harry Potter is cool. I am a fan though, not a fanatic’

‘Yeah IRC sucks... hey you’re on! Op me! Pwease…’

‘Balaa eh. Kaey theme song vaan vee Damien Rice ge Woman Like A Man ah. Serious koh.’

‘Heykendey. Thelhey thelhey. Ai jahaa. Ulhan boshi lhoehlaa …..’ (goes on and on and on … )

‘Keey tha vee? Eiee Badi ekey. Ehenveem OK vaaney.’ (à JERK)

‘If you were a girl, I’d marry you’ (Can you not see that I am female? Um… I think it was meant to be sweet so… thanks?!?? :P :P Mashakee hama thui anhen kujjeh!)

‘Also interesting is the fact that your maternal instinct is really surfacing these days ;)

Normally happens when we're pregnant...’

(To which I instantly reply ‘which I most certainly am not’)

‘How does it feel like to have a tall, dark and not-too-handsome guy await with his dick in hand for u?’ (Actually it sucks big time. I just want a nice guy who doesn’t see me as free pussy. Issat too much to ask?)

‘Paint me purple and lick me clean’ (beyond me.)

‘Well things must be pretty exciting over there in the great blue blooded British campus’ (obviously, obviously not. It’s nice but I’m lazy. I don’t fancy clubbing that much anymore…I’m a reformed chick *angelic smile* - couldn’t resist adding… but really I don’t.)

‘You think you’re cool? Well I’m hot. So there.’

I just went downstairs to the kitchen to make me a hot cuppa, and I saw the strangest thing. The Europeans are all sitting by the right TV watching soaps, and all the Asians are sitting by the other Plasma screen watching the World Cup (Italian men are tempting but I just don’t feel like watching the match thus am upstairs if you’re wondering). Strange…

Nerdy, Litty Bullshit

My room mate is working now the exams are over and in though in the beginning I was thinking I should have done the same thing, seeing her dress in her black suit at 6:00 in the morning on what was certain to be a sweltering summer day, being a bum with only one lecture suddenly was a lot more appealing.

Now, if msn would start working, life would be sweet. I can’t afford to hook up on my mobile though.

So what did I do with my boring day? I rediscovered the magic of google search! Now, I’m no stickler for British humour (it’s a bit ‘huh?’) but Giles Coren is pretty funny, and this{http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,10653-2145489,00.html} article is not too bad. This article {http://www.fact.on.ca/newpaper/ti99090e.htm} deals with an interesting topic as well.

Some of the stuff he tackles is rather controversial which again is unusual among the English but highly commendable (at least in my book) in any case. This food critic-turned-novelist won the 13th annual Literary Review Award 2005 presented by The Guardian for Bad Sex in Fiction for describing his character’s penis as "leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath". How bad can he be?

Another contestant whom I am not very familiar with, who was also running for this award, possibly the most dreaded literary prize is John Updike with this amazingly disgusting passage, an extract from Villages in which an adulterous character appraises his lover's vagina: "[it] did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze".

I have never read anything quite as vomit-inducing.

Sex and literature have always had a rather fascinating history though. Goes way back into Medieval times when writers/poets like Chaucer first began introducing ‘fablieux’ which is in other words writing centralising around pretty crude humour and ‘The Miller’s Tale’ is a classic.

The Elizabethan era saw a great flourishing of literature, especially in the ... the high spirited sexual comedy of The Country Wife and Shakespeare’s works.

On the other hand, Victorian Britain is mainly remembered for two things: sexual prudishness and long novels. Not true. It was an age when sexuality was rampant, at least among the higher classes. In fact, nineteenth-century scandals establish the terms for, and supply the history of, the manifest absorption of contemporary Anglo-American culture in sensational stories of sexual exposure i.e. gave birth to the explicit gossip columns of today.

Still oscillating about that point, scandalous ness of an act hinges upon the degree of secrecy requisite to its commission. The Victorian scandals revealing about the imagination of sexual privacy are therefore those that concern the sexual activity construed as most insistently covert; sex between men. Male-male sex is literally unspeakable; sodomy (then identified as sex between men) was defined by English law as the crime not to be named.

While such male sexuality generated public displays of disgust and horror, the Victorian ideology that desexualizes women also provoked numerous scandals. While the wilful effort to deny female sexuality resulted in celebrated adultery, divorce, and illegitimacy cases, ironically it largely precluded lesbian scandals, which were less unspeakable than unthinkable; indeed, the refusal of lawmakers to believe in the possibility of sex between women is supposed to have exempted it from statutory prohibition.

Tsk tsk… what a lame excuse for the ‘ultimate male fantasy’. Obviously, men haven’t evolved too much in this Century.

Still on the whole freedom of discussing sex issue, not surprising is it? The essence of life. The oldest story known, of ‘Adam and Eve’ cannot be repeated without explaining the sexuality behind it. It is actually more surprising how it became ‘taboo’ in the first place, but lets save that for another time.

As mentioned afore whilst discussing the Victorian Period, repressing the idea and practise of sex has pretty bad results. All boils down to the forbidden fruit that allegedly landed us in this hell hole. So why do Maldivians keep going on down that path, when it is obviously doing no good? No use complaining about the pregnancies if you’re still too embarrassed to discuss the sex that happened first.

Idiots.

Today, the age of ‘erotica literature’ where even sadomasochism is widely celebrated, I have no idea how parents imagine (despite having internet at their disposal, MTV flashing sexual messages constantly and Cosmo mags anywhere/everywhere) that they can get away with being ignorant. Not just in discussing sex I mean. So their forefathers were lucky. This is another world, deal with it!

Pisses me off when they keep paving the way to disaster.

Digestive biscuits are my undoing....

I dip a cookie in my chocolate spread and munch away as I type on… Guilt fills me up inside… I take a fleeting glance and my protruding tummy… and glance away… crunches, I can always do crunches…

Only I can’t… I won’t bother… because I have noticed that guilt is becoming an increasingly useless emotion… ineffective, inefficient and a waste of my time. Too much of anything is good for nothing right? Maybe that is the case.

I still blame myself for a lot of things. I mean, I can talk you into believing I’m whole, full and strong… independent, fulfilled… mature and understanding. But I’m not. I’ve got millions of inner demons inside me I need to exorcise.

Still the guilt is a heavy burden to bear…so I have my little comfort sins… like consuming vast quantities of sugar!

I came to my uncle’s in hope of experiencing free internet *big, big grin* but *sniffles* he has removed the damned modem. Ah well, tis for the best in one way… but I really hope he digs up the treasures for the weekend… I mean, seriously… exams over – I want to talk to the people I love the most and scream as loud as I can!

SSSSKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Great invention that.

So, I hear Rockstorm wowed the house. Exposure B&W soon too… Fucking unfair. By the time I set my paws back home, everyone’s too fatigued or flushed out of cash for any cool event. *Sigh*…cool that Maldivians are finally getting entertainment other than TVM, FM radio and for men… the football fields.

I feel sorry for girls at home… I mean, it’s not normal for the girls to all gather and go play some footy in the evening… and they aren’t able to go on excursions the way men do… CBC is in a way, off limits… not everyone likes DJ’s and dancing (not to mention the excess reputation baggage that comes along with shaking your booty a bit)… in fact… their only entertainment lies in ‘byting’ ie. dating or simpler – MEN. In the form of dinner and coffee… sigh… abadhaku moodhakah ves majaa kuraakah nudheveyne ‘kalhuvaane’… dhen heena fai alhaigen geyga thithi vaan inaanee… eves biteh setu veytho :P

So don’t complain that they are sluts and bimbos. They have little choice… explains why Aminiya scores better all the time, but it might not be very healthy still, I think!

Who knows, I might not even be coming back. I’ll save worry for later. I got family to hug when I go home!!

I just watched an episode of ‘Trisha’ which is effectively the british version of Oprah… people come on national television to discuss their most intimate problems… attention seeking loosers snatch 15 minutes of fame, I keep thinking. I really do not see how a genuinely disturbed pained person, could come up and reveal on camera what he or she couldn’t sort out in the privacy of their homes. ‘I am a drug addict, I need help’ you and a million other people. You could create awareness without giving someone a brand new car and lifestyle and televise the entire procedure. Sheesh it’s all part of the new celebrity culture I assume.

Interesting though, how today just about anyone can be a celeb… the new millenniums ultimate marketing strategy… the lifestyle of the rich and famous is now ‘affordable’ for anyone who is prepared to invest into it. I wonder though, whether this ostentatious product would soon be loosing its appeal, in fact it may even transform status into a normal good… what on earth would be celebrity status then?

While we are still discussing ‘Trisha’, I was wondering how the hell someone would want to get on TV and talk about how their husband is cheating on them, much less have a bitch-fest with him/his lover (male or female!)…I mean, for me… the humiliation would be too much and I would rather not talk about it. Then again, I am a perfectionist, and I do not bear well with failure…

Seriously though… to walk into ‘your bedroom’’ only to see the person you consider the ‘love of your life’ (cliché as it sounds, you are bound to this person) having sex (the act of love?) with someone else (maybe even someone you know and trust)… the lies, the betrayal, the rejection, the humiliation… what a list!! I mean…. I have no idea how I would deal with that. Even if you had discovered an affair, not caught them red-handed or something… how about a full on confession ‘ I had sex with someone else’ or ‘I’m in love with someone else’… it would be something if you had seen it coming but often these things happen because in fact you are not paying enough attention, right?

Maybe. Sometimes there is no one to blame right? I had an aunt of mine tell me and I quote, ‘the real romance of a marriage is in the affair’. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. Maybe hoping for a happy marriage, where the man I am in love with actually is my husband, in this day and age… is a naïve desire. Heck, I don’t know…

So why do so many marriages still fail? People don’t get married as early anymore. A lax in what society condemns from us, means some people don’t even feel the need to wed anymore. But from those who do, and they often have families… a high percentage still separate or divorce.

Is it the stress of working and managing lifestyle, for both partners? Is it simply too hard to resist the many temptations that are so easily accessible nowadays, after life at home becomes too routine? Then again, marriage is a sacrifice right… to some extent? Spoiling the kids, takes too much of a toll on the parents? Well, I’m not sociologist… Maybe women are simply too liberal these days and refuse to put up with anything masculine (how unfair, seeing as to women still expect men to submit to all their needs!)

Aah… society!

The Dhivehi cool kit – large branded sunnies, jeans, BG teeshirt, highlighted and preferably rebounded hair (if you are female that is, if you are male then let it grow long and invest in mountains of mousse and gel), pierce nose/eyebrows/ears, only wear silver or black jewelry… not that I do not conform to this norm (gotta blend in with the crowd – PAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS) I just find it slightly amusing how everyone tries to dress the same and still are like I’m ‘goth’ or ‘punk’ or whatever. Those are beliefs… cults if you like… and you don’t just claim to be because it sounds cool… I mean, personally I don’t have any ‘favs’ at all… I’m multi genre ;) and cultural… but then again, one of my closest friends claims to be really ‘goth and death metal’ (metal vefa??? I have a weird urge to ask whether she means aluminium or what) yet dresses in this rock meets pop kinda fashion. Oh well. To each his own?

Definitely listen Mas Que Nada… nice song!

BRAZILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL is gonna win again :D crossing fingers, toes and unmentionables *chuckles* should wear the feather thingamajig that those Brazilian dancers wear and jump about a bit I think… that would be fun…Ah, World Cup 2006… I had a friend who was trying to download the ‘vagu’ copy of world cup apparently (blonde!!! – as an expression, nothing against the hair colour) *rofl* what a classic. Damn I wish I could go (I could with a friend, just that I’d rather go home to Male’ though, as stupid as it sounds and I bet I’ll regret it at some point but who cares), at least I’ll be cheering the finals with Dad. Something to look forward to… remind me of good ol’ times.

Ah fuck… just saw my reflection. I am going on a diet as soon as the exam is over. This lethargic attitude isn’t going to get me anywhere… (or anyone *wink*). Ima starve! *smile*

Apke-apke-apkeeee

Lots of people, in fact everyone… has bad days. But I, I have horrible, disastrous, chaotic, crazy sequences of events.

Like yesterday… end of my hols was depressing enough to deal with along with the exams I had to look forward to failing, but no… I was upset with one beybe for not acknowledging my existence and the other for discussing what I had confided to him with every one he meets, worrying over another person’s um… situation, deadline for tons of work happens to be Monday, conversation with a friend about my ex which I should not have had, parental row, accidentally deleted some 300 files, fight with a someone close to me to do with misinterpretation and resultant confusion over a damned chat room, my room in campus was a disgusting mess thanks to ‘someone’, kitchen got locked and we starved, net shut down, I slipped and hurt me hip which activated an old injury, and I couldn’t sleep till 3:00 in the morning.

Naturally, room mate found my frustrations hilarious. Great, at least someone is happy.

That being said… not such a bad day. Revising politics I realised I already knew how to make a sound argument as to why Tony Blair is an arse… I’m fine ehenveema…just the aftershocks of yesterday that is still bugging me… you know, I mean hip is fine and shit like that, family has chilled – for now, works done, just stuff like… whether a certain fight has changed anything… why I feel so stupid about hoping about things I shouldn’t probably think about… wondering why I am so gutless… how can life be so turbulent? One minute you think you’ve grasped what’s going on… the next you have no idea what reality is…

Haha… nothing new as you can see.

My mom thinks I have bad choice in men. I think she might be right. Nice guys are around… but I dunno, I guess if I don’t feel it I can be pretty cold in return… no matter how nice they are. Being warm and friendly in those situations only made things worse anyway… I don’t know.

You think there is any such thing as a selfish thought or act? Does altruism exist? Logically, if the reason why we do good is for the ‘good’ feeling it causes, maybe kindness itself is a selfish act. Do we help others because it benefits us in some form? I guess the only plausible argument for that would be the concept of maternal affection. Why a mother would sacrifice her love might be explained via the theory of evolution and progress… but it does contradict the survival theory. Hm… Interestingly I got to thinking about this after watching a Desperate Housewives episode... the rich man’s wife who is having the affair with the teen kid, whatever her name is – some Gabrielle or something….she makes even charity seem shallow…

ARGH…friends called ‘Rockstorm’ ivvan. Fucked up L oooh it’s 6.6.6. Male’ time. What’s the big deal anyway? I got fucking exams. I don’t see anything special.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Its... It's... It's.. ME!

I want to fly...
I want to soar...
"One thing is clear, I wear a halo, I wear a halo when you look at me... but standing from here... you wouldn't say so, you wouldn't say so if you were me.. and I just wanna love and I just wanna love you... "

He left me because...
I wasn't ready to give him everything I was
He left me because...
She offered more than I could have given him
That was the last stroke...
Maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway
It was falling into pieces everyday
Looking back, my eyes fill with regret...
Not about what could have been
Lost every trace of innocence I had inside...
In circumstances I wish I could forget
Haunts me day and night, burning deep inside
Today, I learn...the reasons left untold
Stories I wish I never knew...
Ignorance is bliss I am convinced
The little girl inside opens her eyes
A tear for her naivety...
Another for her blind love...

She's moved on from her past
The little girls gone...
From her ashes this woman emerges
She's stronger...
But still incomplete...
Waiting... for something or someone
To wipe the last of her memories away
Reignite life, with the promise of the new...

And I am a crappy poet.
Atleast I tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

*Me spreads my wings and flies awayyyyyyyyyyyy*

“The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce”

My bestfriends parents just got divorced. Most of my friends have fucked up families. I used to think it was because I am (what I like to call) a divorced kid and therefore I tune better with them... I guess it's just society dho, raaje isnt up there in the world records for nothing...
It was so long ago, but I still remember the pain of seeing the two people I love most fighting and utterly failing to achieve anything.
“Mom hates dad, Dad hates mom, it all makes you feel so sad.” Kurt Cobain puts it simply but rings true.
Well, it didn't take me long to conclude they both have lives and if they din't want to live together they didn't have to. They have the right to fall in love with someone else and it's a relationship dho, someone's gonna get hurt, but anehhen how can you blame one person for a failed relationship?
Not everyone depends on such a simple ideology, I guess that why I was useless at making her(best friend) feel better :( it helped my 'brother' (loabin called sonofa) at the time apparently... then again, he's not too bad at dealing with life anyway...
Breaks my heart when kids blame themselves, retreat into their shells... I've seen it among the students I've worked with too often... music is a preferred release of energy but the industry obviously notorious for drug usage links... and the parents are often too caught up in their own battles to notice... with adolescent kids, this is absolutely disastrous... They have no one to turn to when they need guidance the most... I relied on my friends (bad idea to an extent) and my dearest English teacher *hugs* who is still a really good friend of mine...
The worst bit is having to chose between your mom and your dad though. Remarriage is another ordeal, having to accept someone new into your life isn't as easy as it sounds. It means trusting them with everything that defines you, but trust that is just based on one singular person's judgement. Come on, none of us trust our parents to make the right decision all the time.
Sigh... why can't they try to work it out though... and why do they have to dump their frustrations via kids... they didn't ask for any of this...
My friend asked me online the other day what I would do if my relationship doesn't work and I have a kid... divorce ASAP or wait for the kids sake. I'd say... work it out but if he is determined to hurt me then I'll just abide by unhappy mommy unhappy baby rule. Of course priority is kid and working it out clean. Dhen balaa eh ehen veema ingeynee...
So look at this lil MSN quote my friend...
{CENSORED} says:
Dont giv me sum guys name and tell me days later tht we hav this prob and tht prob and it really aint gna work..
That's how relationships go though. They either work or they don't. They struggle... true... but that's another story. Maybe I'm wrong maybe this'll change but a marriage is pretty much the same in my view. A lot more commitment. But essentially, the same...
Hmph I could now go on about living together and marriage and the difference and shit like that but I'm tired and this is boring. :)

Amaa! - naai... (ehehe...)

Spring fever has struck I. Or rather, everyone else I know. Ahem... for once, I become the innocent by stander of this situation when all my friends fall in love, get engaged but most scarily - get married.
As me and my other half were discussing last night, we are virtually the only ones left single... awww... well...

Strangely I have been finding out I have no particular desire to get hitched or coupled up... if 'he' comes around knocking on my door then yea, I guess maybe but then ehen noonee yaa.. *yawn yawn*
I was looking through picks and Nash with her 'new' baby just caught my eye... it's an incredibly maternal, adorable pic... I'd love to upload it but yeah... I do not think she'd like that very much...



Heheh... back to the point, it go me thinking that being immune to the 'mating' season didn't really leave me unresponsive to the maternal buzz... I wish I could go down to the supermarket and get a lil baby to fondle over! Yeah... pour all my love into and all :D ... pregnancy must be special... my friends are terrified of giving birth and *gasp gasp* putting on weight and stretchmarks and what not... screaming teenagers in a few years but I bet its all worth it in the end :D

I heard a kid complaining about his mom and wen tas far as to say 'aharen mihaaru eyna dheke loaibeh ves nuvey elha balaa bodu kamun', while I know that would be just a passion of the moment thing, and I do understand how unbearable over protective parents are... evaguthu I couldn't help but feel how damned upset his mom would feel to hear those words... no matter what, that little sentence would really, really burn.

This maternal streak which has been growing stronger and stronger, made my relationships with my mom(s) stronger... normal you would think as one grows older? But my freinds don't seem to be developing any hints of this (well yeah a few but they tend to be the more mature than their age anyway or different generally type)maybe it's the new generation thing but girls seem to be deviating further and further away from anything that associates with the domestic realities, or traditional life style...

So the new social trend is jetsetting women with high profile careers... doesn't have to be everyone's reality though? That would lead to a major crisis....heheh maybe you could call it the de-sexual women's revolution...sheesh!

About the balance again..

:)
I spent a gorgeous weekend in Cardiff... and it's a pretty place... Must've been nice being princess of Wales... heheh ... damn, no royalty but I had a well deserved break with some chweet chweet friends :)
Relax + Chilling = Chillaxing... yeah thats the word for it :D
Aww... too bad its over I miss 'em already!
That's the coolest part of living baroad and away from family, you can travel away anywhere virtually to take a break from life as you know, Male' ga thaashi vefa boagovaafa hunaanee thaa...
Back to the books...
ECON up and Politics too... balaa eh sahaadheh...

Get a grip!

Psst anonymous commentor : have you got nothing better to do?

Read an article by this Maldivian ‘sorry excuse for a human being’ whose name I don’t wanna mention and I’d rather not know about youth today, ahem… I could link you there but yeah…I’d rather just rant.

I’m sick of not being taken seriously either because I’m young or I’m female or simply because of my background. People just stereotype you all the time.

People make too many excuses for the youth today. You treat young people like kids and you expect them to act like adults? No fucking way is that happening. So when shoved into a crime-ridden world how can you be surprised that everyone screws up?

I’m sick of being judged by people who act like they know everything. Get a life. Can’t you get it? It’s not the judgement itself, it’s that I don’t fucking care in the first place.

Kids of today aren’t mature-minded oa.

Get back to me after you’ve dealt with rape, molestation attempts by teachers who are supposed to set examples, after you’ve lost a friend/bf/sibling/whatever to drugs or just lost a friend at all, after you’ve had your parents split up and remarried and attempt to commit suicide all at once, men with sweet words who used you and threw you away and you had no one to warn you, after you’ve had friends to bleed you of any wealth you might possess, after you’ve given up that anyone would care for you if not for your money or pussy… and you’re growing up in a place where drugs flow like water and half of your friends depend on it to remain sane, where you are judged because of the way you talk, walk, the clothes you wear and the people you talk to. Judged so severly… and punished for sins you never commited. And that’s one singular human.

Then you have the general outflow of kids dealing with a whole load of problems from junkie parents to horny step parents that market hot pussy /dick etc (ie. you - the kid) … pretty picture everything paint dunnit?

Let me know then, yeah, if you still think today’s kids are screwed up. And make sure you get the blame right then.

Worrying isn’t it that this idiotic bunch make up roughly 75% of our population. I’d say.

Exams have begun and as you can see the stress is really getting to me. Sigh…

I hate today

I hate today coz I have ENGLISH LIT exam tomorrow.
I hate today coz I have a fever and a bad cold.
I hate today coz I'm scared of Econ.
I hate today coz someone reminded me of HIM.
I hate today coz I want to hug my Mom and I can't even call her.
I hate today coz I realised that I'm still me. That reality will 4eva haunt me.
Life's a bitch.

Hey Anonymous...

Hey Anonymous…

I could’ve just written a comment back but I’ve been thinking about this today so here are a few words to you…

Why do I write in this stupid blog that about 5 people read (or less?)

Well originally it wasn’t meant for any one to read…

I write because it is one of the very few things in life I have a passion for…

You see, I am one of those people who is for lack of better phrasing, socially handicapped… I cannot express my feelings… I cannot show emotions physically or verbally… it has to be in writing… in music… in art…

I can’t draw to save my life… and music can be vague… not to mention I’d rather not be responsible for broken guitars, slashed drums and the complaints from next door…

So I write…

I write because I am the sort of person who cannot tell someone how much I care about them… I can’t even tell a guy I like him, much less that I am in love with him and over the years I have lost so much over this ‘deformity’.

Maybe I’m being dramatic, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion but I cannot even tell my own mother when I am hurting…

Rather than throw tantrums, act moody and drive everyone around me insane I’d rather write my fears, so I can view them… feel detached from them… look at them and imagine it’s someone else ranting, and perhaps find some sort of peace.

Occasionally I invite some friends to this blog. Because I have something I need to express to them… because I desperately need them to understand why I am me… and recently, on a whim to see what happens when I welcome a stranger into my world…

We all have a paranoia about acceptance… it’s human nature… I guess you could say this is my escape from it… or my pleading against it… for it… depends on your perspective…


Why is it online? Because I keep loosing diaries and journals and well google the benefits of blogging…really not interesting in explaining this. Loads of other people blog too. Maybe my blog is more personal? I don’t know why you’re messing with the concept of ‘me’ doing this online.

And about who I wrote to… he knows who he is… and he will let me know his feelings on the matter…

I couldn’t say you are wrong if you said, it was a self-centred bitch complaining about all the insignificant details of her life. That’s your prerogative… and you are entitled to your own opinion.

By the way, I am not welcoming you or any one else to express such a demeaning opinion on my own blog. Thanks very much…


My current expression -

I've come to think...

Have you ever watched ‘Taken’? It’s a surprisingly intense series by Steven Spielberg and features a particularly fascinating character of a little girl ‘Allie Keys’ who narrates the story…

So it’s highly melodramatic, and a bit cliché and the whole world being obsessed with Roswell 1945 is getting way too old, but certain philosophies expressed are pretty thought provoking and these are some that just stick to mind. I meant to mention one or two in yesterdays rampage against men, but sadly my net was fucked and I didn’t want to paraphrase….

About the whole concept of hope as a driving force in relation to finding love….

“People talk a lot as if the most important thing in life is to always see things for what they really are. But everything we do, every plan we make, is kind of a lie. We're closing our eyes and pretending that the day won't ever come when we won't need to make any more plans. Hope is the biggest lie there is, and it is the best. We have to keep going as if it all mattered, or else we wouldn't keep going at all.”

The next is for a friend of mine who’s having a lot of trouble putting the past behind him. We all have to move on some time, and it’s not always easy to find the motivation to make a change. Been there… maybe not quite as intensely as he is feeling the pressure, but nevertheless I have had more than a glimpse into the thought-process that can evoke.

“Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be.”

Also,

“When everything in your life is right on track, it's easy to believe that things happen for a reason; it's easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong then it's very hard to hold on to that faith. It's hard not to wonder whose reasons these things happen for”

Which is why we ought to have a back up plan! In fact that plan doesn’t have to be of grand proportions. Sometimes it’s just about changing perspectives… deliberately ignoring certain objectives… I know it sounds pretty backward and narrow minded but sometimes you need to look to your roots and forget your own slightly controversial beliefs simply because it is selfish to continue to dream if it is hurting those who have sacrificed everything for you.

It sounds contrived but…. It’s either that or develop the poetic stance and be the man who sits in a corner thinking up philosophies and wasting away life. It might be your life but there is something seriously wrong with you if you can live with the guilt of causing so much pain to those who spend their lives dreaming for you. Maybe they ought to pursue their own hopes… but maybe you are the only vessel through which they can live their dreams. Maybe that isn’t very fair… but sometimes it’s okay to shift channels and think that perhaps that is the very least you can do for them after everything you have put them through… or life has put them through. Empathy is not such a bad thing. Life long rebellion is not necessary to finding your own identity.

“People say that when we grow up, we kick at everything we've been told, we rebel against the world our parents worked so hard to bring us into, that part of growing of is kicking at the ties that bind. But I don't think that's why we kick at all. I think we kick when we find out that our parents don't know much more about the world than we do. They don't have all the answers. We rebel when we find out that they've been lying to us all along, that there isn't any Santa Claus at all.”

Karuka'khaa'laa

Arabian culture is fascinating..

‘The Kiss’ is a short story set in Morroco… gorgeous descriptions…

We’re all familiar with ‘A Thousand And One Nights’ and ‘Aladdin’, ‘Ali Baba’…

Extravagant royalty, harems full of exotic women, glittering treasures, the finest wine and dine… the stories are full of the beauty…

Not much survives today… but Shishas are gorgeous…
And I’m doing belly dancing classes again…

Hehehe…

Oh and the music is nice as well. The most famous dance music is classified into a genre they call ‘Rai’ and one of the most well known artists is Khalid… the guy who sang the famous song ‘Aicha’ better known for it’s more recent cover version by Outlandish.

Fascinates me…

Check out this buruga…
I bet Dhivehi guys would like to see that a hell lot more…

And Arab guys are hot… not to mention rich… sigh… now where is my Saudi Prince again???? Lol…

Read Disclaimer Carefully Before Continuing!

Warning. Contains explicit content. Read at your own risk.

I’m serious, don’t read it unless you are sure you will be okay, because I just finished my Economics exam and have decided that my tension release will be highly controversial and perhaps a little outrageous, even for me.

Sigh… reason behind yesterday’s hysteria (I actually later progressed to hiy biru gathun and freaking out and dialing various loved ones and scaring the shit out of them :D ) turned out to be PMS. I know you didn’t have to know that: P but hey… Damn! This is when I wish I were a man.

Song playing in my media player right now – ‘Laid’ by James

Today, rainy and depressing as it was, brought out the librarian/nerd/bookworm side of me and curling up under my snug duvet with a cuppa steaming hot tea (I am in England) and chocolate rollies I made for my self (nope, nope rollies as in bits of bread with spread, folhi eh hen olhaafa!) I chose to read a Black Lace novel, given to me by a friend who was given the book by a woman who is an aunt-like figure to both of us.

So what?

Let me explain. It’s a series of books that contain short-stories, published by Virgin Books (ironically) classic under the genre that is known as erotic literature.

Bit of bondage… pretty nasty and twisted at times… different take from my usual um… well actually I don’t really read anymore unless it’s for lit class… Oh yeah… miles away from John Grisham. Might be interesting for anyone to take a little detour to…

So why did I end up reading this? Hama just was lying there and I had just done Econ STRESSFUL exams so I figured, why not? Just goes to prove that Dhivehi women are just especially promiscuous, and if the rumours are right about Raaje being founded by prostitutes, I’m not too surprised. Seriously, the average Dhivehi woman seems to think about sex a lot more, they live for Mills N Boons and the like, Aminiyans reveal similar thoughts in poor displays of graffiti on the walls… and well plenty more.

Is it the whole jailed bird and resultant built up sexual tension? I doubt it! Women have been pretty liberated in this sense for a long time now. Girls used to wed earlier as well right? Although I’ve heard the tragedies of young sweeties being sold of to rich men, I have heard as many about wantons (personally I prefer the description free and spirited) running away… like Dhon Hiyala.

Isn’t it a 21st Century thing? No way, get your history sorted out. The infamous Rannamaari story, (which roots us to the very origin of culture as we claim it today and also apparently is the connection to the heart of Maldivian lifestyle i.e. Islamic belief) is also a perverse and disturbing tale of ‘someone’ or ‘something’ raping and murdering dozens of young girls. (And to the educated, sophisticated mind of today that would roughly translate to - a perverted freak with a fetish for virgins)

Oooh oooh, Bond Girl and recent star in Pride and Prejudice, Rosamund Pike studied at this fucked up school as well! Who knows… maybe this year will produce another Bond chick *hint hint, wink wink*

Back to my searching (hee hee) and deep questions. Is it genetics? I’d really like to know but science is not my forte, and quite frankly I do not have the patience for it anyway, but if anyone has any thoughts there, I’m interested to know more. Anyway I’m just saying that I don’t know whether it is lack of activity and entertainment but I’ve certainly come to note that Dhivehi anhenun are not only ‘farivefa chaaley’ but highly promiscuous and liberated women. Pity it is primarily in the one sense, they should channel energies into manipulation within fields like politics rather than just the seduction. Am I part of this league of horny women? Paka paka pakaaaaaaas Wouldn’t you like to know? *rofl* :P Nah, we’ll skip that one.

Dinner table conversation today was interesting as well. Economic Markets… now before you doze off at that, it was the male market we focused upon (male audiences may resume dozing ;) ahem…unless you’re inclined this way). Well, summed up it was gaigandakah just this - obviously, demand is excessively high, and supply of new products is less when compared to existing stock, therefore a shortage can be expected to occur. Shortage leads to increased consumption of second hand men.

Men are originally classed as a merit good because it provides satisfaction on various levels and happiness etc, however there are a certain category of men defined as assholes and bastards which are in fact de merit goods as they do nothing but damage and cause severe heartache. In the event of a shortage in the economy, consumption in this area increased rapidly, creating absolute disaster.

Just satisfying the feminist inside me. Grin, grin. I think Oscar Wilde was a feminist… :D and all great men of English Literature are gay. Wilde’s got a fantastic quote which he delivers in ‘A Woman Of No Importance’ via the character Lady Allonby (who is a fakka badi eh) which is … Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

True na? Sigh… I am such a geek o_0 !!

I wish I had a heart like ‘that guy I had a fling with recently in Male’, simply forget the liaison the next morning… Never hurt, never want for something more meaningful. Life would be a lot less complicated, a lot less unhappy.

I guess it’s a choice we make to give up that perspective, maybe because we realise we will never be whole and utterly satisfied unless we believe, unless we have some sort of hope that someday we will achieve happiness greater than whatever we have in our lives at the moment. The reason to go on? Hm..?

When you’re in your early teens and I’ve gone on about this forever but you know… I just think that what we feel is an illusion fuelled by lots of expectations and dreams fed to us through Bollywood, Hollywood etc, other love-struck kids and that sort of thing… maybe the entire thing is a farce… lol… because whatever it is, we see a glimpse of it in the beginning of every relationship but it just seems to fade away, or we venture into relationships in hopes of finding it, but everything crumbles away when we realise it is not possible.

Or maybe as years go by we fool ourselves into re-establishing the feeling we felt as kids… when we are secure enough and the insecurities that have built over the years reach a point that they don’t really matter anymore… then we lull ourselves into a sort of belief?

Kinda heartbreaking to think that there is nothing to look forward to though. How can such a centuries-old dream be based on mere imagination?

Psst! Brief fantasy … glass room on a lil finolhu in the middle of nowhere, silk sheets, the nights dark but there are a million stars in the sky, mind-blowing sex till sunrise…involving chocolate variations… and the most wonderful guy. Yes I am a romantic and I did say brief! Disappointing eh? Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Secure In My Insecurity

“How to get an A in Economics” titles my new pile of notes. Amyaai… keey vaanee “How to achieve self contentment and happiness in your life” ey kiyas…far more relevant to me in the long term and both are proven impossible!

I feel so alone these days, heck even my horoscope for “May” was like, ‘Midmonth, worrywart Pluto makes you paranoid that your guy’s loosing interest in you or that you’ll never find a boy-friend. Realising that it’s all in your head quickly revives both your strong self-image and optimism’. Keekay bunaanee… Not that I let Cosmo rule my life, but I have a friend who is really into astrology so I just checked… and I thought, magey blog kiyaa meehakah ingeyney how true the first bit is!

Hama mi planet thah kess kamunney – not my incompetence ;) *rofl*

OTOH, I think I just miss family and love like that. Life in the ‘survival of the fittest’ mode can really suck after a while. The new trend wave of all these spinsters in Male’ finally hitching up (not intended as offence at all ingey) splashing around, is just making things feel more pathetic here.

I think I’d have been happier born a few decades earlier. When there was less pressure to do things that you personally perceived as ethically wrong, I could get away with not doing my Al’s and just getting me a lil baby (I shall not mention the ‘m’ word) instead. I could stay at home happy as can be looking after my family and the pressures of a career wouldn’t even cross my mind. I know society wasn’t perfect then either but I probably would have avoided doing a lot of the things I regret today.

Yes, underneath the projected exterior image of the pot smoking hardened chick, as black inside as outside (pakaas, hamuge vahaka eh noon engijje!), swears too much, and a history with the opposite sex that makes Hitler a gentleman with Jews, - I would much rather sit at home with a kid on my lap. I hate my life right now.

But sometimes we take paths from which we can never totally deviate from, because now that is the only place where we can belong, and will be accepted, after all human beings are social creatures that need to interact with other people for the basic necessities in life; for survival. These interactions can change gradually, but some constant familiarity with the circumstances that surround us bolsters our sub-conscious sense of safety. Our identity is inextricably linked with those we interact with… we become them… goes back to when the world was divided into tribes.

I know I joke around (prolly too much) about me being a tom boy (not in the homo sense of course) but the thing is, no matter what they say about the company I keep, I can’t go away. I mean I can avoid being used in any form or sense if I’m careful but I can’t just move away and expect to be accepted by any one else. My dilemma with men of course, is that some how these social interactions (i.e. I hang around with the male crowds) in their view affects my piety (kekeke) and thus I am never good enough other than say as a friend, or a temporary satisfaction.

I am grumpy these days dho, life just sucks in a lot of ways… this is me unloading via some crappy excuses. I hate my life right now.

Oooh… thought of the day:

Sexual love is a troubled and problematic relationship in cultures where there is a strong sense of man's separation from nature, especially when the realm of nature is felt to be inferior or contaminated with evil. (Alan Watts, Nature, Man, and Woman)

NO NO List

IMPORTANT : I don't like anorexia and anorexics... food is meant to be consumed. I am happy with me and my fattiness now... I feel human and like a real woman. So get lost if you wana kill yourself starving. It aint worth it. AND F.Y.I darling (you know who you are) chocolate is beautiful.
Men like to feel... right? Guys? Help me save a soul here... I refuse to lose another friend to this I hate food and I shan't eat trend. (Not gonna name it even.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND I don't like people I just met calling me 'honey' and 'sweetypie' or shish kebab or whatever. Fuck No. It's cheesy and boring and damn freaking me out...
Another thing - I miss doing the boogie woogie... You put your right hand out you put your right hand in... you put your right hand in and shake it all about... you do the boogie woogie and you turn your self around... that's what it's all about... AAaahhh... :D
Pakaas ey dhen buneveyne...