Reminiscing when I'd be better off not

I wish life was easy... for once, I wish the answers would just flow to mind, without having waste precious energy and time to come up with conclusions and solutions that are often irrational and far off the mark, and even if they are the right decisions one always faces tons of grief as to whether you are right or wrong... frustration...
*I pull out the lasting hair on my head*
Writing my blog I had been intending to go on and on complaining about how life sucks, and how much I miss home etc. Maybe drop in a few bitter notes about how my current flame is scorching my heart...
And the song 'Boulevard' started playing...
A song that prior to this moment had absolutely no relevance to my life other than the fact that it was beautiful to listen to. Suddenly a memory flashback... 1 year ago, when my inbox was full of his messages, I heard his voice in my ear as he called my name, I felt his touch as he handed my the pendrive, the sound of his sandals on the sand as he left.
Emotionless I plugged in the pendrive, my thoughts were swirling around why my perfect relationship was failing...why won't he say he loves me... does he? I smiled as on the screen appeared my favourite songs...whispered under my breath "thanks babe..." started playing them one by one. Tears poured down that night...as I planned our breakup...I wish he could see, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am. I am too screwed up to be any good to him. He deserves better...
Boulevard played softly in the background and soothed my hurt soul, convincing me I was doing the right thing though it stung like hell. "What the fuck is wrong with me!" I wondered briefly if he had listened to 'Perfect Relationship' like I asked him to and almost immediately waved the thought away. Of course not... men couldn't be bothered and he might be perfect... but he's still male.
If only I had stopped and thought, like I have today almost exactly one year ago. The song plays... and I, for the first time listen to the lyrics. The inclusion had been deliberate. He was trying to tell me something...
No...this isn't true...
We broke up a few weeks later... but it wasn't a plan, in fact I had given up on my plan. Cruel fate twisted and gave me a wicked opportunity...I became deaf to his plea, and trying to be unselfish and spare him pain, I succeeded in nothing but the very opposite.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
I don't want him or need him anymore. But I long for someone to hold and cherish and care for... someone who would miss me and give a fuck about my life not because his/her genetic code forces him/her to. A man in my life who would stick by me always...despite my mistakes, respect me as well.
Gets worse boys and girls...hehehe, I need someone I want, who I can't resist to touch...I want to talk to him all the time... and the feeling is mutual...
As time passes you feel lonelier and lonelier. The feeling comes and goes like a receeding wave as it caresses the beach and swells up in glory again, the never ending chain of events, the deadly cycle...
Sometimes it seems that living just ain't worth it anymore. I look at my baby sister's picture on my phone. Of course there is. Cliche' and corny but true - there is hope for all of us. I listen to her giggling on my phone, her voice full of pure innocent joy. There has to be.