In memory

Manjekolhaa...

It's one year since you've been gone... and I still can't believe you aren't here anymore. I can't begin to explain to you how much I miss you every day... how much I wish I could speak to you again and hug you again. My 'human' diary... my savior, my partner-in-crime... and my best friend in the whole world.

You were just so so so young...... I wish it had been me and I'm not just saying empty words here. I would give anything to have you back, even for a day. I'm going to be the very same age in less than a month now. Just like you were... we had many hopes and dreams... and you had so much in life to look forward to.

You would have met the man of your dreams like we talked about so many times, I'm sure. You would have passed your finals... I would have helped you get all those A's you dreamed of. You were the sister I never had... God... why, why did you leave me...

The past year, has been so hard without you. I tried my best not to think about you. Finally, all barriers down, beaten and broken I write to you and the tears wont stop streaming down. I did so many things you would hate me for... I was so confused and messed up. I told you I wouldn't know what to do without you...

I gave it all for everyone you told me didn't deserve my friendship... I chose the bastard over the guy who had loved me for so long... everything went downhill, babe I'm sorry I did everything so wrong. Mom and me never got along... and Dad was too ashamed to talk to me. I had no one to confess to... and I needed you. I needed you to tell me everything would be fine. That I was not completely hopeless.

If you saw me today, you wouldn't recognise me... I'm not the happy, cheerful person I once was. I doubt you would like the hard, cold, broken person I have become. I'm sorry ingey so sorry... hama life mihaaru ulhey hivvareh ves nuhunnanee... you taught me to live life with arms wide open... but I can't... I've been battered down by the storms... I haven't laughed freely for such a long time...

I can no longer trust and I can no longer bring my self to express emotion. I know my own family need me... but I ... it's hard although I love them with all my heart. Or what's left of it anyway...God, haven't cried so much in a long long time.

You never met my sister, I'm so sorry I know I promised to so many times...She's gorgeous and the love of my life, you would adore her I'm sure...Atleast where ever you are, you have your sisters away. I don't know how your Mom survived the loss of three beautiful girls though... I just don't... but she is Insha Allah as strong as you were...

How I wish I had taught you to swim... I know it might have made no difference...how I wish I had said goodbye... I didn't know that the moment you stepped on that stupid boat I would never see you again. I wish I said sorry about our pointless arguments. I know you just wanted the best for me. You were so right, always about everything...

Everyone's putting a damn flower emoticon in their nick names on msn messenger today as a tribute to the Tsunami victims. I thought about but how pointless is that eh? It's not going to bring you back. Not going to change a thing. Not going to make me feel any better. Not that you will know. So why bother babe? Why?

You mother misses you so much, my mother misses you so much... I miss you more than anyone ever could. When I go to sleep I still look around for you. It doesn't feel right that we're not in the same room anymore. I miss you when I'm in the kitchen cooking everything how you taught me to... I miss you whenever I hear the songs we used 'shake our booty to' heheh... I miss you. I miss you. I need you in my life.

You were the purest, happiest, sweetest part if my life. The most wonderful person I have ever met. My guardian angel... you knew my whole life like a book, inside out... remember how we said we would write each other a biography one day... I swear, someday I will honor your memory as such. But we had so much more to write... so much more in your life to come... Why are things so unfair?

You deserved to live much more than I did. I was the bad girl, you were the saint... innocent and sin-free though older... I almost stopped praying you know. Lost direction for a while. Insh Allah, I'm patching up now. Healing takes so long... and is so painful in a million ways...

You are always in my thoughts. You are still alive in my heart. I have only one picture of the both of us... don't ask me where the rest are, you know our house... but that's more than enough. I can close my eyes and it's like you are right there infront of me. I always told you you had the prettiest hair... the most beautiful twinkling eyes and the most gorgeous smile, stunning...

You are always in my prayers. God bless...

I love you.