Bitter Prayers

I look around me, I'm still in a world I do not recognise.
The same scenes I see every day, I've seen the light a hundred times, the way it shines. Day after day I've been smelling the same perfumes, their distinct aroma. The position, the symmetry, it's all too familiar... but altogether foreign. It doesn't matter which route I take, because it's more than the atmosphere, it's everything inside you, that surrounds you, the vision you see is always what you imagine it to be....
And I have no vision anymore.
I am so lost.
In a place so deep, I don't understand how I came here. I don't know how I could have let this happen, and yet I do, in fact I see the pathway I've been walking along, what I've picked up and what I chose to let go, how that shaped my surrounding... because it changed me, at least the part of me I chose to project, the me I chose to share.
Self is a multi dimensional concept, we can literally be whatever it is we chose to be, we reflect our choices, therein lies our beliefs, our values and our priorities. But at the very core of who we are, we are simply human. We are living beings. Needs outweigh wants and if we can ever break into that core we shall discover that no matter what patterns we imagine surrounding us as time goes on... we are still the same entity we first existed as.
People like me, and so many end up in this God forsaken place... are the ones who have become too much of a chameleon that the world they have grafted surrounding them has no consistency either. I have so much rage, so much anger harvested in me and absolutelyno vessel to channel it to.
Am I mad at my family? For failing to be there? For failing to exist? Am I blaming my community for it's twisted status hierachies and judgements? Does it all boil down to a frustration of being trapped within a place where I feel no room to grow creatively? Where my actions are constantly questioned? Do I hate the questions or dread the answers?I am frustrated with society because all of it's institutions have failed in serving justice - in my eyes.
Furious that medicine doesn't have all the answers. That money can't really buy anything worthwhile and besides, it's the most unreliable factor to be taken into account any way. Wishing friends were less superficial. Beggining genuine people to be more than a fantasy, and honesty less than a game in itself.
But... I guess I've been mostly angry at God... for putting me through this... I've been idiotically defying every logical guidance religion and faith has provided because I feel it failed me years ago. And again I say, as if to challenge a divine power... can things get any worse? It's not really a battle though... it's a cry of real raw pain.
I wish some how I could be told the meaning of what I have been taught... why everything seems so hopeless... why things keep getting taken away... if it's a test... when does it stop? What makes you so sure I can keep holding out? I've cracked... and mended... but I feel like I might just cross that fine border beyond that ever so delicate point of no return terrifyingly soon.
How long must I keep suffering? How long constitutes as enough... What have I done to deserve this? How do I redeem myself... will I be able to redeem myself? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again, please? Can things change, and for all the pain, do I get to smile? When and for how long would that be?
I'm scared, that before I find answers, I will break. You pour enough into a flask it will break should it not overflow... if it's already over flowing, it is likely to burst, and when it does the pieces shall go flying and who knows? You might get cut too... I could hurt people I love, but why should I care.. shouldn't it be tit for a tat?
Infinite questions and impossible answers, but we all keep asking either way, or don't we? There has to be a God... there has to be some savior in all of this, please give us strength... in the absence of patterns and familiarity... shine light enough to lead us back to where we began, in the very least.