I've always been obsessed with control. Controlling my life the best I can, controlling my reactions, controlling the outcomes... and of course, I have long since discovered that control itself is simply a myth.
We cannot control anything that happens in life. It seems easy to say, and I say it, just as many have told me the very same - but that does not mean a teensy weensy part of me doesn't look for the exception, doesn't try to defy the theorem.
Today, or the date itself, is of absolutely no significance to me. Nevertheless, today sitting by my pool with a pack of smokes and a couple of cokes I finally sat up straight, took a deep breath and metaphorically 'threw my hands into the air".
I tried self destruction, and that was no way to live. I tried locking myself into the little jail we call social acceptability and found that wasn't exactly control either. True peace is only achievable by recognizing that we have no control. Almost every post on this blog over the years has been about seeking some sort of control and balance in life.
But life is not meant to be balanced. It is not meant to be good or bad, life is only meant to be lived. And to live, we need to let go. I need to let go of the anger I feel for myself, for the disappointments I've caused, the unfairness and heartache I've experienced. I need to let go of the deep pain I've been caused and I've suffered throughout my life. I need to let go of the memories I hold dear as well and the people and things that I love, and just open my arms to the great 'whatever and beyond' :P.
I wish I could say, letting go meant that a great wave of happiness burst through me, or that I felt a great sense of relief as though a great burden had been lifted off me. I wish I could say I felt like I had discovered a great 'secret' or answer but the truth is, it was a merely fleeting thought that I somehow brought to surface. It wasn't like click click, enter let go, transfer successful.
It seems like the quiet beginning of something barely noticeable to anyone else. I want to celebrate and live my life, but it will be of no real significance to anyone but myself. And that's okay, because I'm letting go of everything else.
2 comments:
It's nice to hear that you had this epiphany. I hope you are at peace with yourself... somewhat. I do understand the part where you were angry at yourself, but there are things that one needs to know about oneself. First is that it is you, and no one else who will have the strength to pick yourself up when you fall. Have faith in yourself and in your ability to cope with life and whatever shit it throws at you.
wow! that was, like, totally zen. I should remember that.
God, I miss that pool.
:) im glad you are doing good!!! and I am sorry I am not there!
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