Slightly out-dated...

Stupid school disables anything to do with blogs...what a pity, you can learn so much from them noontha? Atleast, I think so and so, unless I make another one at some wierd chinese site I can only blog once in a while... :( but, I have decided to remain loyal to my blog and thus... here follows my entry for 12th Jan following into the 13th...
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…In anticipation to Friday the 13th.
Damn I get irritated when people fucking patronise me for being so young. I don’t feel like 'just a teen', I’m sure I don’t think like 'just a teen' and to the majority I don’t even look like 'just a teen', most of the time I don’t behave like 'just a teen' - come on we all have to let loose and be silly once in a while. I don’t pretend to know every fucking thing but I’m not stupid and I do not like being treated as though I am. Whew! Good to chuck all ma negativity out.
Another fucking year passed and what have I achieved? Never in my whole life have I reflected back on anything and regretted it so much. Never felt so ashamed. Disgusting year, and I though I can hardly imagine what this year has in store, I look forward to tomorrow and I’m glad that what’s past is over.
I could go on about how I’m cursed and life is just so bloody unfair but I don’t intend to feel any pity for myself. I made the wrong decisions and was blind to anything worth paying attention to and it is all my fault, better bear up and face up to the blame.
I don’t feel the need for a partner in my life right now, in reality… and I have serious doubts regarding whether I have even come across such a person in my life yet. I shouldn’t judge but seventeen is still pretty young and serious relationships are shit that will just keep holding you back from the dreams you are reaching out to.
Last year, I thought I needed a boyfriend – the perfect one, desperately. I wanted to experiment and learn at the same time. Disastrous combination really, but confusion regarding such choices sprouted from the journey to finding myself.
I still haven’t really found myself or achieve anything near to peace and contentment, and I don’t expect to for quite some time. The journey is hard, but it’s interesting and it is worth it, I have discovered.
There is a reason for every breath you draw it and every step forward or backward that you take. I haven’t figured out why, and I doubt I ever will achieve a satisfactory answer, but identifying the question and understanding it’s basis is an important thing to do, I believe.
2006… time to cook up a new batch of silly dreams and aspirations. I look forward to becoming someone I can be proud of in the future, whether it be a kick-ass high profile lawyer, or a dedicated and loved/appreciated wife at home (I despise terminology such as housewife – patronising I think). I want to educate myself and achieve academically to make my father’s dreams come true without compromising my personal beliefs and priorities.
Despite the constant daily struggle I have to fight against the religious and moral connotations constantly being imposed on me to influence me by, while still maintaining an open mind on all issues regarding diversity within people, I intend to hold very firmly to my faith. The more I learn about life, and the world the surer I become of the world I was born into.
One day, I want to be able to sit at home with a multitude of kids and partner and just feel how lucky I am to have my life, to feel really alive even if I was dying at that very moment. I want to leave this world having experienced a satisfying bond with someone special, who is my equal in every possible way, compassionate and understanding and capable of forever fascinating me and making me laugh any time of the day.
So, have I even come close to accomplishing any of the above?
Nope. Zilch. Nil. Zero. Nien. Uh uh. Uhun!!!
I’m getting there, someday I hope I do. I think I’m back on the right track, but there’s no telling (I’m told that itself is a good sign but I am pretty critical…). I have become considerably mild tempered as compared to before, a real believer in honesty and open ness, I have become more accepting of people in my life yet at the same time perhaps more wary when awarding them my full and unshakable trust.
I have started working harder in my studies, paying less or no attention to distractions and only indulging in unjustified pleasure from time to time, something like having a Snickers Bar when on a veggie diet – it’s just regenerate yourself in a way, remind yourself that life can be fun.
I can almost hear you guys asking me to elaborate on the pleasure bit, but trust its best not to go there. Hehehehe… If you’re smart, you’ll see a perfect example of what I meant/mean in the passage above… Not telling where though.
I love my friends a lot, but I cannot go to the lengths I used to prove anything the way I used to. I will always be there for them to help them out or just be the listening ear; will voice opinion rarely and that too only on request. Either they know I care or they don’t. That’s a major change I guess…
What song do I feel like right now… hmm what’s the first track in my head Jan 13th 2006?
Hindi – Bhaage Re Man / Chameli
(Last year not first but most significant – Mein Hoon Naa, Zaraa Zaraa )
English – Last Kiss, Hanging By A Moment, Heaven, No Woman No Cry
(Last year mostly dance tracks like Snake, or love songs like Rush, Rush… Sweet Child O Mine… prominently Right Here Waiting For You, Strange Relationship, Here Without You, Angel/L.R.)
Dhivehi – Eki Rey Rey…adhives ulhey Eheelun ge touch eh! Dhen…songs like Hithugaa Dhorufai Hulhuvaaladhee, Bul Bul Ehee Dhey Nuhey, Me Zaimey Adhu Loabuvethi :P :P :P
(Last Year prominently was Eheelun, Rey Otheemey, Handhuvaru Dheytho)

Disturbingly, insomnia still carried on… I guess Bulhai really was an appropriate nick name after all!
*POOF*
Happy Boithday To Me.
Magolaa kendee… take care all, and even if we are not speaking today thanks for being a part of my life. You contributed to making me who I am today dho, and since I’m still alive…not bad.