What's lurking behind my 'grin mask' tonight...

I know I seem Emo these days but its not really like that mostly I'm happy happy happy, grinning and acting the cartoon that I am... but I guess I keep doing that coz I dont want to stop and find tears streaming down my face... and I turn to my blog in those uncontrollable moments... :/
My birthday is almost here... and people keep telling me what a milestone it supposedly is... I guess its true... it does mean something, as I'm back to square one... Barely begun new degree... Single... Housemateless basically - or almost so...Everyones leaving KL ! And to top it off half my friends are married/committed or having babies!
But the worst part comes from home... I mean I have a wonderful mother, and mother figures too (you know who you are!), wonderful siblings...an adorable baby sister and baby brother make my world seem worth all the bull that surrounds it.. and all that... but I guess it keeps bugging me that some one who matters a lot... doesn't really care.
And I just have to get it off my chest tonight... So bear with me? Hehe...
Its been so many years... I've done everything I can to make up for my mistakes... but honestly, better than anyone you should know me better, there are things I've done... and then there are the things you think I'm responsible for... What some one says... but you dont consider why they bother saying so, could it be because the name is more interesting than the person or the alleged circumstance?
You're so quick to judge me... to condemn me... as a teenager I thought perhaps...perhaps at this age.. this time in the then future, we'd have come to a common ground... and I thought we might have ... but if I've ever had the doubt now I'm sure.. that I would never have the place in your life I have always wanted.. I don't want your money, I'd throw it all away just for you to look at me like I was a person in your eyes.. like I mattered to you... I waste a lot of what you give because to me, it feels like a bandaid to what I should be receiving from you... You don't know how hard it is for me to handle certain things to do with Mom and everything else.. you should be helping me.. not accusing me... you should be wiping my tears and encouraging me.. not reminding me of how stupid and worthless you think I am.. It is more painful than a slap on my face, to be on the receiving end of your words.. As an adult, I recognize that no child should have had to hear those words.. particularly from someone they so adored..
I know now, what I was never ready to accept...that I'm never really going to be a daughter again in your eyes. But I don't know what my real crime was... I've made mistakes I know, but I was a girl growing up in a really really difficult situation, and a difficult child I'm sure... but you look at me like I'm made of nothing good, and I know.. I know I'm not that bad. I have siblings who love me, friends who respect me, and a mother who adores me.. I'm a better daughter than you give me credit for...
So what am I harping about?
We fight.. over the stupidest things. But I don't mean to piss you off.. I really don't.. And then you are and then you aren't and I haven't a clue most of the time.. you'd treat me like an adult, which you did most of my life anyway.. and then you'd be angry at the most mundane thing... Its not just in my head.. I've seen you with my siblings.. and I've seen other fathers.. I'm an adult now, I can see what parental love is far clearer than I could have then... I just can't understand how some one could do/say some of the things you have said/done if they truly loved them... no matter what the circumstances , and lord, I've seen so much worse things than anything I've come close to being..
You know whats sad is that if I said this to you, you'd laugh in my face and call me stupid, emotional like my mother... or something equally cruel.. and...
Because the world is such a horrible screwed up place... I still wish you loved me.
And as pathetic as this sounds both in my head and as I type the words, If I could have a wish for my birthday I'd wish you could finally lose that hatred you have in your eyes even just for a moment. And I should be grateful, so grateful for all that you've given me I know... I know... But I'd so much rather just be your daughter again.