I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
What, tell me is the point of posting people's pictures on the internet?
You're thinking oh right, another pissed off victim throwing a temper tantrum.
Well guess what, you're bloody well right. And I have every right under the fucking bloody sun to get pissed off, so fuck off aite?
It's nobody's business what the hell I do, where the hell I go, or what the fuck I wear. I will do bloody well as I please, so why won't the entire society mind their own fucking business and grow up?
Certain websites serve as a reminder of the loosers in society with nothing better to, nothing to loose or gain ... and no sense of achievement in life. I wonder what they will think of themselves in 10 years, with children to look up to them.... Or perhaps, look down on them?
Useless good for nothing bastards who post pics of every chick who had the sense to dump them. Or, more likely to refuse to go out with the idiots in the first place. Revenge? Vengence? Bloody childishness.
I would be perfectly content chopping off their dicks, then skinning the rest of their bodies, slice their balls, stirfry these seperately and feed it to them with chillie and garlic sauce, pour petrol on these maniacs, and set them on fire, roasting while staring into the face of every one of their 'victims'. Then flush the ashes down my toilet after a nice comfy bog :/
I'm not insane.
You push the women into these things... you force them to believe that is how they will be loved... you men, you condemn them to household slaves, or petty work officers... the successful ones in jobs you ridicule... and you make them believe sex is the only way they can earn anything... which is all to your comfort of course... the more women you can convert into miniskirts, the better for all as a whole...
And the worse part is how you can at the end of the day, expose them just to amuse yourself.
You think you are the only people who have the right to experiment, to make mistakes. The more you get laid the better for your reputation... but murder every woman who enjoys life? Craxy is what you are, heartless and narrowminded. So very typical.
I can see your geeky little face smiling gleefully, pervetedly at the picture of your long time crush who sees no point in wasting time with a good for nothing cyber sex dependant existence like your self, who is not doing any work other than uploading illegal pornography. Need I remind you that under 18 IS A CHILD? Women go for men who can support them emotionally and physically, financially provide for their possible offspring. This is natural. Live with it.
It is as real as how men (or atleast decent men) have the instinct to provide for their own, build their own future, and protect those they love that are vulnerable to danger, ie. more than themselves.
Now don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that woman are all holy, in fact it is very rare I argue their case... but hell yeah... what you do to your ex girlfriends is pitiful.
I, have a torrent of such people who hate me, for these pathetic reasons (allegedly...) and it is ratehr depressing to think that there are a varietyof people responsible for why lil ol me sipping a coffee, should be zoomed up and posted. Do I not have the right to drink coffee or something? Shame.
Sometimes, you wonder... how every one is labelled a slut, yet it is only some who are photographed. Idiots, don't you wonder that perhaps it is all a lie? Everyone should stop acting like it is only a portion of the population who indulge in such activity coz I donno anyone who doesn't. Some still in denial. But it decreases with day.
Seeing that moralistic value is dead,why not all just shut up and keep their noses out of other peoples lives.
Every time I access such sites (what a waste of time anyway) I succeed only in annoying myself. I pity everyone who accesses them.
I know a man who photographed and posted pictures of his own wife, and boasted about it in public. This supposed holy man was soon divorced. Congratulations to the smart, strong woman who found it in her to divorce the man, she clearly loved when married. And may that fucker burn in hell. Of course the lady's intelligence is questionable in that she wed him in the first place. But these Maldivian men are so, so, so very persuasive aren't they.
This number distibution and email on sale business is absolutely RIDICULOUS. I don't hav emuch hope for it stopping, but I have to say I despise such things. Do the youth have nothing to do but what is involved with the opposite sex? You know I blame the government for not accomplishing anything in this area. And I blame the parents for not teaching their sons to respect women, and not teaching their daughters that they are more than just a sexual object. I hate every man who agrees with me just to get into my pants.
Oh god. It's like a useless maze with absolutely no way out. Coz there are always gonna be some people like that right? But why do we give such people so much power? Is it not possible to instill some sort of virtue and mutual respect?
Yeah I know, life's a bitch, fuck it.. but its just... irritating and tear-my-hair-out frustrating.
I hate people. They always disappoint me.
Another really lobi song...
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My lil bro did another song about me am sooo touched... seriously... and it's not just my ego talking... asluves... and he is soo talented too... scary how he sees me so well... I'm suc a bad role model... but I hope only the best for YOU dude, sorry if I seem a bit annoying at times... Luv u lots!
Btw... why don't you blog... I'll link you up to mine...
Happy On The Outside - By Monkey
Verse 1:
She sits there crying for a while,
When its time she finds the courage to put on a smile,
She seems happy on the outside,
What really matters is what’s inside,
Although what you see on the inside most people despise.
Cause really her heart is bleeding,
The tears are pouring,
She can’t walk, she’s crawling.
Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside.
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
Verse 2:
She thinks about her past, every single day,
The painful memories, just don’t fade away,
She just wants to go into a corner and cry,
Tired of asking the question why.
She’s going through a hard time she needs some space,
But I really miss seeing your face,
Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside.
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
Verse 3:
I don’t know what she’s feeling now,
Just wish she could tell me somehow,
But I know that she will be a friend of mine,
And I’ll always have her in my mind.
She’s the one I look up to and adore.
The one I talk to when I just don’t know.
Reliable as ever, I’ll be here for her forever.
Ending Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside,
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
But now at the end of the ride she has a smile on her face,
Out of pure happiness in her case
Btw... why don't you blog... I'll link you up to mine...
Happy On The Outside - By Monkey
Verse 1:
She sits there crying for a while,
When its time she finds the courage to put on a smile,
She seems happy on the outside,
What really matters is what’s inside,
Although what you see on the inside most people despise.
Cause really her heart is bleeding,
The tears are pouring,
She can’t walk, she’s crawling.
Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside.
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
Verse 2:
She thinks about her past, every single day,
The painful memories, just don’t fade away,
She just wants to go into a corner and cry,
Tired of asking the question why.
She’s going through a hard time she needs some space,
But I really miss seeing your face,
Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside.
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
Verse 3:
I don’t know what she’s feeling now,
Just wish she could tell me somehow,
But I know that she will be a friend of mine,
And I’ll always have her in my mind.
She’s the one I look up to and adore.
The one I talk to when I just don’t know.
Reliable as ever, I’ll be here for her forever.
Ending Chorus:
She seems happy on the outside,
Her hearts slowly going away with the tide,
Her life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster ride,
But now at the end of the ride she has a smile on her face,
Out of pure happiness in her case
Today is gonna be the day... or not.
|
I did this wierd personality foward mail today.... yes macha, this is called boredom. It's strikes late, late at night...
So I had to arrange animals... which represent priority... this is what I said, and my result...
Tiger (Pride)
Horse (Family)
Cow (Career)
Sheep (Love)
Pig (Money)
Then I had to write a word for every animal... which represented the thing in the brackets...
Dog Faithful (My personality)
Cat Sexy (Partner's personality)
Rat Smart (Enemies personality)
Coffee Social Activity (How I see sex)
Sea Relax (How I live my life)
I have to associate colours with friends who the colours remind me of... (since I can't write names, I use nicks and related shit)
Yellow (Never forget) 'the artistic girl' --> reason: fav clr
Orange (True friend) 'finihaka' --> reason: teases me abt my previous house clr
Red (Person I love a lot) 'my twin bo/chompy' --> reason: previously majeedhiya dept. band leader
White (Twin Soul) 'human mop' --> reason: likes contrasting clrs, wears white tee
Green (Remember for the rest of my life) 'auntie & monkey' --> one is gardner, other I re-united with thru msn, the messenger guy is green...
So this idiotic thing came up with some bullshit and some funny, and some close to truth answers...
Then it ended off with forward to 13 (fav number) and wish will come true on Thursday (fav day of the week) *sigh* it's amusing yes, but what is the point of this nonsense? Why does it have such a loyal following??? Is everyone that desperate for that ONE thing to come true?
Oh well, distracted me, and occupied my mind for a while therefore, served purpose... for me.
Life is good, and I hope it stays so althoguh change is inevitable obviously. I'm neutral, and I like it. Must I be happy or sad? *sigh* I feel rather, worn out though. Work is interesting these days, I'm getting good stuff, or actually I finally started attending to what I was given only recently, and hooked up on a rather fascinating venture with some friends as well...
Now to paint and brush up my music skills as well. Quite the creative girl aren't I? *grins* reading is nice as well... 'le almond' and 'like water for chocolate' ninmaalaigen mi ulheny... obinoavey, but rather um... 'feminist' in a way... not defaming men AT ALL... but viewing men as sex objects! Therefore, hes kiyaafa salhi.
Weather forecast for tomorrow is no clouds and no rain. For the day that we got horoscopic-casts... (that were actually true) aadhey, lafaa kureveygothugai maadhamaa endhumathy alheyne, dhanvaru vagah nukunna iru bandharumathee saafu... (sensaru!)
So I had to arrange animals... which represent priority... this is what I said, and my result...
Tiger (Pride)
Horse (Family)
Cow (Career)
Sheep (Love)
Pig (Money)
Then I had to write a word for every animal... which represented the thing in the brackets...
Dog Faithful (My personality)
Cat Sexy (Partner's personality)
Rat Smart (Enemies personality)
Coffee Social Activity (How I see sex)
Sea Relax (How I live my life)
I have to associate colours with friends who the colours remind me of... (since I can't write names, I use nicks and related shit)
Yellow (Never forget) 'the artistic girl' --> reason: fav clr
Orange (True friend) 'finihaka' --> reason: teases me abt my previous house clr
Red (Person I love a lot) 'my twin bo/chompy' --> reason: previously majeedhiya dept. band leader
White (Twin Soul) 'human mop' --> reason: likes contrasting clrs, wears white tee
Green (Remember for the rest of my life) 'auntie & monkey' --> one is gardner, other I re-united with thru msn, the messenger guy is green...
So this idiotic thing came up with some bullshit and some funny, and some close to truth answers...
Then it ended off with forward to 13 (fav number) and wish will come true on Thursday (fav day of the week) *sigh* it's amusing yes, but what is the point of this nonsense? Why does it have such a loyal following??? Is everyone that desperate for that ONE thing to come true?
Oh well, distracted me, and occupied my mind for a while therefore, served purpose... for me.
Life is good, and I hope it stays so althoguh change is inevitable obviously. I'm neutral, and I like it. Must I be happy or sad? *sigh* I feel rather, worn out though. Work is interesting these days, I'm getting good stuff, or actually I finally started attending to what I was given only recently, and hooked up on a rather fascinating venture with some friends as well...
Now to paint and brush up my music skills as well. Quite the creative girl aren't I? *grins* reading is nice as well... 'le almond' and 'like water for chocolate' ninmaalaigen mi ulheny... obinoavey, but rather um... 'feminist' in a way... not defaming men AT ALL... but viewing men as sex objects! Therefore, hes kiyaafa salhi.
Weather forecast for tomorrow is no clouds and no rain. For the day that we got horoscopic-casts... (that were actually true) aadhey, lafaa kureveygothugai maadhamaa endhumathy alheyne, dhanvaru vagah nukunna iru bandharumathee saafu... (sensaru!)
Y'all howdy...
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I'm just posting something a 'kokko' of mine wrote, that I think is quite good. Am very proud of the dude... and a little bit is addressed to me (tears well up, tochu vee :) ) because I'd not been talking much and he figured I wasn't too happy (tho thweeth)...
So here it goes... BY MONKEY (not me)
(Its untitled as far as I know)
We’ve been through the struggle for survival,
Now that we finished the struggle we seem to have found a new rival.
Even more people see us as trouble,
They never see how hard our life is and our everyday struggle.
I remember it like yesterday,
Holding onto everything god gave may.
I know the struggle won’t stop today,
Most of the people are being tortured or locked away.
Guess this proves that life just aint fair.Chorus: But people control your anger and jealousies,
Don’t go round committing crimes and felonies,Or they'll mould you into something you don't want to be.These rhymes I write really have a meaning to me,
I just want everyone to be happy and free.
They try to cause you chaos and pain,
Some of us have been tortured so much they seem to be starting to loose their brain,
People seem to always be showing affection,
But secretly they’re thinking of ways to cause you more pain and destruction.
Life just seems to get complicated with everyday drama,And the people I love seem to just get lost in their sorrow and trauma.No matter how many times we say bye,I still remember that little tear trickling down your left eye.However I’m not going to let the stress get to me to make me feel rotten,I thought id write another poem see if I was remembered or forgotten.I felt like my whole world was spinning and spilling,I was on ma knees thinking that god wasn’t willing,Chorus: But people control your anger and jealousies,
Don’t go round committing crimes and felonies,Or they'll mould you into something you don't want to be.These rhymes I write really have a meaning to me,
I just want everyone to be happy and free.
Sometimes the pain they feel seems so symbolic.Only way to forget that sort of pain would be to take a strong narcotic,
Just forget about all the bad decisions,stand tall don’t fall, instead stand strong like a phoenix that has risen.Show them all that you can’t be kept a prisoner in this emotionally distraught prison,Hold on to your dream,
Don’t ever let the hate that people bestow on to you lower your self-esteem.
So here it goes... BY MONKEY (not me)
(Its untitled as far as I know)
We’ve been through the struggle for survival,
Now that we finished the struggle we seem to have found a new rival.
Even more people see us as trouble,
They never see how hard our life is and our everyday struggle.
I remember it like yesterday,
Holding onto everything god gave may.
I know the struggle won’t stop today,
Most of the people are being tortured or locked away.
Guess this proves that life just aint fair.Chorus: But people control your anger and jealousies,
Don’t go round committing crimes and felonies,Or they'll mould you into something you don't want to be.These rhymes I write really have a meaning to me,
I just want everyone to be happy and free.
They try to cause you chaos and pain,
Some of us have been tortured so much they seem to be starting to loose their brain,
People seem to always be showing affection,
But secretly they’re thinking of ways to cause you more pain and destruction.
Life just seems to get complicated with everyday drama,And the people I love seem to just get lost in their sorrow and trauma.No matter how many times we say bye,I still remember that little tear trickling down your left eye.However I’m not going to let the stress get to me to make me feel rotten,I thought id write another poem see if I was remembered or forgotten.I felt like my whole world was spinning and spilling,I was on ma knees thinking that god wasn’t willing,Chorus: But people control your anger and jealousies,
Don’t go round committing crimes and felonies,Or they'll mould you into something you don't want to be.These rhymes I write really have a meaning to me,
I just want everyone to be happy and free.
Sometimes the pain they feel seems so symbolic.Only way to forget that sort of pain would be to take a strong narcotic,
Just forget about all the bad decisions,stand tall don’t fall, instead stand strong like a phoenix that has risen.Show them all that you can’t be kept a prisoner in this emotionally distraught prison,Hold on to your dream,
Don’t ever let the hate that people bestow on to you lower your self-esteem.
You told me so.
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Maybe you are right. Maybe I do enjoy suffering. Maybe that is why I always land up in these horrible situations. Maybe I do severe any ties to normalcy.
The world is too complex for someone as stupid as I am. Maybe.
Yeah... I know, I should just give up right? It's not like anyone would give a damn anyway. Looser talk? *Suprise suprise* .... so maybe I am one.
But, I don't need you or anyone else. Maybe I do, fine. Ekamu I don't want anyone.
I really hate waking up every day. Reminds me that I'm still breathing.
Sorry if this pisses anyone off. But yeah. It's life. And by the way, this has nothing to do with 'anyone'. It is all me, and me, and me.
I think, no wait, I know that life sucks. Been sucking since day one. Like certain 'philosophers' have dictated - it's because I deserve it. Because I am a regular sinning bitch like the rest of them. Nothign new.
Sometimes, you find little reasons to keep you going, then after a while like everything good in life, it goes away... or moves out of reach. Then you lapse back into who you really are. What you are actually worth. And let go the illusion of everything more.
Because, beauty and happiness and all these nice things... they are just a dream.
The world is too complex for someone as stupid as I am. Maybe.
Yeah... I know, I should just give up right? It's not like anyone would give a damn anyway. Looser talk? *Suprise suprise* .... so maybe I am one.
But, I don't need you or anyone else. Maybe I do, fine. Ekamu I don't want anyone.
I really hate waking up every day. Reminds me that I'm still breathing.
Sorry if this pisses anyone off. But yeah. It's life. And by the way, this has nothing to do with 'anyone'. It is all me, and me, and me.
I think, no wait, I know that life sucks. Been sucking since day one. Like certain 'philosophers' have dictated - it's because I deserve it. Because I am a regular sinning bitch like the rest of them. Nothign new.
Sometimes, you find little reasons to keep you going, then after a while like everything good in life, it goes away... or moves out of reach. Then you lapse back into who you really are. What you are actually worth. And let go the illusion of everything more.
Because, beauty and happiness and all these nice things... they are just a dream.
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I have a wierd habit of scribbling down random thoughts on the lil throw up paper bag on the airplane... after all, my words are just the vomit that's churned up by my bubbling insides often due to very acidic circumstances. (So my prose aint exactly Shakespeare. Sue me :P *ima gonna have a law degree soon to put ur lil mouth where it belongs -which is my lil, sadly not prominent, butt!*)
So todays lil barf choked up the following points... which I will go on and elaborate...
1. Travelling alone sucks. But you meet very interesting people when you're alone. And I don't mean in your head either.
2. Ever watched the movie 'Just myluck' starring some guy and Lind-slut Lohan? I am the one with the constant horrible luck. Everything that can go wrong does, all too often, go wrong. And I hate Emirates with a passion now.
3.It's fascinating how a 8 month friendship can transform into a 20 year marriage... rather freaky...
4.Two books to be read - Like Water For Chocolate and LeHazel (The Hazel) ...absolutely brilliant... audacious... beautiful prose, a plot that draws you in, gorgeously flawed characters... shocking but the marks of true writers - incredibly honest.
5.You realise how scarred you are only when you actually dare step into the light...
Well the first one was about the first bit of my journey... sat next to an old fart who talked too much and stank... but on the other hand met nice dude in um... the smoky section of the airport...
The next one refers to the fact that I forgot to give my roomie the gifts I meant to give her... :/ and I was feeling sucky about leaving my bum buddies behind (do not assume I meant that statement literally in some twisted sort of way) and I lost my faithful lappie (laptop not lassie or some wierd porno abbreviation either) in Heathrow and got delayed over 2 hours there as well during which time my not so faithful ipod went dead and my phone was fainting...
FINALLY got to Dubai after hellishly turbulent ride, and same all the way to Male' where after an hour (AN HOUR) of deliberation they decide to dump me in Lanka. *grief stricken at the memory* After 3 horus of filling sooo many forms and faxing it to various continents as well as listen to some idiot go on about how they are trying to 'assess the situation' (what the fuck is there to assess, you can't land, I am in Sri Lanka and I am hungry enough to eat you raw! -- do something??) ... finally they give me a room in a nice hotel and I am allowed to relax a bit... which was ok though, I chatted to a few friends.. and even met up with someone
:>
Still, I miss my lappie terribly... and I NEED my undies :( (Not that I haven't any here but I miss my favourite thongs! Do empathise... )
The third lil rather sentimental bitsy is referring to a loabi friend of mine... one of my best friends that I love very much... and how tripping over to this person's home and effectively 'living together' made me forget how life was without this person... seems like I've known this person foreverrrrrrrrrr... and I know (and love) this friends faults and strengths... the other day we were on the bus deliberating over what I would cook for dinner and what stuff we had in the fridge and the domestic convo led to jokes about being 'married' lolx... we fight, you've pissed the hell outta me... and I the same... but... effectively 'we're cool' and 'wai wuv wvu'.
Miss you Nivea! Take care of our baby *guitar*... she needs a nappy *string* change...
Number 4 is self-explanatory.
The next one is rather deep I should say.... I was staring out the lil peephole they call an aeroplane window and dreamily fantasizing about stepping out on those clouds and rewriting the whole of Aladdin's magic carpet ride in 'A whole new world' (my fav cartoon btw) in such a way that would mist up all these lil glass oval window type thingies. o:>
*ANYWAY*
I started to think about... the hearts I've broken... the one that in its breaking, splintered mine as well... and then I started treating other hearts rather delicately, gently even... but only to have mine shattered again and again.. I've tried hard not to turn into a sour old lady, a cynic blind to how beautiful life can be...but I see myself slipping back into such an abyss more and more everyday.
I don't want a relationship. I don't want to fall in love every again. I promise you I will do everything I can to prevent that from happening. No, am not going to deprive my mother of grandchildren *smiles* and another son (why she would want another of 'those' is beyond me though *giggle*) but to love... is to put oneself in harms way...
I don't know... but... hopefully someday I'll be able to just push everything aside and marry some nutter off the road that Mom likes. (and hopefully Dad hates - shouldn't be too hard either *evil chuckle*)
I give up on trusting people. I didn't think things had bothered me this much... but I guess they have... being the bitch is so much easier... it was all a loosing battle anyway... It's not one person's fault I've gone on love strike... the last blow was just the falling brick from my already wobbly pile...
When someone points out I've been cold.. do I evaluate myself... and realise how much I've already hardened up... anyway, some people might think it's a good thing, but personally I've always thought the world's a happier place when you don't hate it... then again, you can't lie to yourself forever...
On a final note : Ville Valo is very hot and I have rekindled a previous addiction for HIM. A kid who grows up with parents who own sex shop, this finnish dude being bisexual and totally flamboyant does not surprise me in the very least... seems an interesting character too...
I'm bored. And bored. And slightly nuts. Sorry for any inconvinience caused.
So todays lil barf choked up the following points... which I will go on and elaborate...
1. Travelling alone sucks. But you meet very interesting people when you're alone. And I don't mean in your head either.
2. Ever watched the movie 'Just myluck' starring some guy and Lind-slut Lohan? I am the one with the constant horrible luck. Everything that can go wrong does, all too often, go wrong. And I hate Emirates with a passion now.
3.It's fascinating how a 8 month friendship can transform into a 20 year marriage... rather freaky...
4.Two books to be read - Like Water For Chocolate and LeHazel (The Hazel) ...absolutely brilliant... audacious... beautiful prose, a plot that draws you in, gorgeously flawed characters... shocking but the marks of true writers - incredibly honest.
5.You realise how scarred you are only when you actually dare step into the light...
Well the first one was about the first bit of my journey... sat next to an old fart who talked too much and stank... but on the other hand met nice dude in um... the smoky section of the airport...
The next one refers to the fact that I forgot to give my roomie the gifts I meant to give her... :/ and I was feeling sucky about leaving my bum buddies behind (do not assume I meant that statement literally in some twisted sort of way) and I lost my faithful lappie (laptop not lassie or some wierd porno abbreviation either) in Heathrow and got delayed over 2 hours there as well during which time my not so faithful ipod went dead and my phone was fainting...
FINALLY got to Dubai after hellishly turbulent ride, and same all the way to Male' where after an hour (AN HOUR) of deliberation they decide to dump me in Lanka. *grief stricken at the memory* After 3 horus of filling sooo many forms and faxing it to various continents as well as listen to some idiot go on about how they are trying to 'assess the situation' (what the fuck is there to assess, you can't land, I am in Sri Lanka and I am hungry enough to eat you raw! -- do something??) ... finally they give me a room in a nice hotel and I am allowed to relax a bit... which was ok though, I chatted to a few friends.. and even met up with someone
:>
Still, I miss my lappie terribly... and I NEED my undies :( (Not that I haven't any here but I miss my favourite thongs! Do empathise... )
The third lil rather sentimental bitsy is referring to a loabi friend of mine... one of my best friends that I love very much... and how tripping over to this person's home and effectively 'living together' made me forget how life was without this person... seems like I've known this person foreverrrrrrrrrr... and I know (and love) this friends faults and strengths... the other day we were on the bus deliberating over what I would cook for dinner and what stuff we had in the fridge and the domestic convo led to jokes about being 'married' lolx... we fight, you've pissed the hell outta me... and I the same... but... effectively 'we're cool' and 'wai wuv wvu'.
Miss you Nivea! Take care of our baby *guitar*... she needs a nappy *string* change...
Number 4 is self-explanatory.
The next one is rather deep I should say.... I was staring out the lil peephole they call an aeroplane window and dreamily fantasizing about stepping out on those clouds and rewriting the whole of Aladdin's magic carpet ride in 'A whole new world' (my fav cartoon btw) in such a way that would mist up all these lil glass oval window type thingies. o:>
*ANYWAY*
I started to think about... the hearts I've broken... the one that in its breaking, splintered mine as well... and then I started treating other hearts rather delicately, gently even... but only to have mine shattered again and again.. I've tried hard not to turn into a sour old lady, a cynic blind to how beautiful life can be...but I see myself slipping back into such an abyss more and more everyday.
I don't want a relationship. I don't want to fall in love every again. I promise you I will do everything I can to prevent that from happening. No, am not going to deprive my mother of grandchildren *smiles* and another son (why she would want another of 'those' is beyond me though *giggle*) but to love... is to put oneself in harms way...
I don't know... but... hopefully someday I'll be able to just push everything aside and marry some nutter off the road that Mom likes. (and hopefully Dad hates - shouldn't be too hard either *evil chuckle*)
I give up on trusting people. I didn't think things had bothered me this much... but I guess they have... being the bitch is so much easier... it was all a loosing battle anyway... It's not one person's fault I've gone on love strike... the last blow was just the falling brick from my already wobbly pile...
When someone points out I've been cold.. do I evaluate myself... and realise how much I've already hardened up... anyway, some people might think it's a good thing, but personally I've always thought the world's a happier place when you don't hate it... then again, you can't lie to yourself forever...
On a final note : Ville Valo is very hot and I have rekindled a previous addiction for HIM. A kid who grows up with parents who own sex shop, this finnish dude being bisexual and totally flamboyant does not surprise me in the very least... seems an interesting character too...
I'm bored. And bored. And slightly nuts. Sorry for any inconvinience caused.
Finihaka
|
We've been fighting like cats and dogs lately, or rather, snakes and cows... or gumballs...
Just wanna say... I miss us being us... I love you loads... I know you only mean well for me... And that is what wish for you too...
I know you don't particularly like the men in my life... but we have the right to make mistakes. I reserve the right to give whoever I want a second chance whether he/she/it/they want it or not...
I don't always approve of the men in your life, so... gimme a break...
<:
All in all, forgive me for loosing my temper... I don't have anyone who comes close to you, in my life... and I don't wanna loose you over stupid bullshit...
Babes, you are my chapter 2. I need you.
You might be slow... ;) but you are the best...
*hugs and kisses*
Be your brave, calm, smiling self forever. I rely on you.
And I remind you, you are beautiful inside and outside, and genuine and you have a unique soul. You deserve the best in life, so don't settle for anthing less.
I am always here for you.
Eternal thanks for everything.
Mwahz
Eyaik.
|
Packing is a violent business. I'm bruised all over.
Cry fest on campus. Bye bye to some of the wackiest, funnest, sweetest girls I've ever been fortunate enough to meet. Depression sets in...
Life is a joke. I flew a fourteen hour trip to Europe to get documents that were already in Male' *sigh*
Not that I'm complaining. Shopping spree in London, Whipeeeee!
Broke though
*hmph*
There's something about UK and the large stretches of land and the whole freedom aspect of things that really makes me want to write very, very much...
Or it might be the hours of travelling.
Beats me.
Oh well, off to enjoy the present. Adios amigos...
Cry fest on campus. Bye bye to some of the wackiest, funnest, sweetest girls I've ever been fortunate enough to meet. Depression sets in...
Life is a joke. I flew a fourteen hour trip to Europe to get documents that were already in Male' *sigh*
Not that I'm complaining. Shopping spree in London, Whipeeeee!
Broke though
*hmph*
There's something about UK and the large stretches of land and the whole freedom aspect of things that really makes me want to write very, very much...
Or it might be the hours of travelling.
Beats me.
Oh well, off to enjoy the present. Adios amigos...
Talk about killing the dream...
|
Same man...
*sigh*
WHAT a disappointment...
I'm going to move on to greener pastures now... forget the past... oh damn where the fuck is my chocolate! Caffeine needed... system 'error' 'error' 'error'....
Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiiiiiii!
Speech Bubble...
|
We had a fascinating discussion aka debate today at a friend's place. What is the weaker sex... is female really the deadlier of the species... ?
In the end, we come to the same old conclusion but our personal views didn't really change very much. But there were excellent points made, and it was good dinner time, or rather mid-night snack, conversation.
It's funny you know, how it's easier for a women to fall in love or rather convince herself that she is in love but it takes a lot more convincing for a man but in long term women move on much, much easier than men. Hmmm well women have a higher pain threshold than men both physically as well as psychologically (don't you dare argue, we give birth don't we?)
It's not anhenun firihenun felun or being money crazed really dho... women do look for a man who can support her especially financially, where men normally seek support because they intend to (atleast initially) make and build a future on their own... applies to the most independant woman, and is best accepted don't you think.
Women complain forever that they have to take care of their men but there is a direct pleasure they derive from being able to leave him satisfied... sexually, emotionally and when it comes to their daily chores as well.
I heard quite a few young married couples complain about not having enough time to spend with each other tonight, and kept thinking how a child would affect their lives.The main thing was like the women keep saying that the guys come home at night only for sex... So as far as babies go, the men claim it'd keep the wife distracted from calling them home every 5 minutes, and the wives say the man wouldn't have time for a child anyway. All in all, I decided I don't want to get married in the next 5 years and as much as I adore kids, I'd delay that till I'm sure the relationship will survive through it...
You know, I think I'd like the guy around when I give birth though, just to see how much of a big deal it is... a natural birth yet... :> pakaaaas, needs to be a brave, brave guy obviously... *rofl* gonna be hard to find...
Dhen alhefahe...the discussion in still going on here, and the talk is about exes... and some don't like their partners to be closer to exes. Trust ge massala ekoa thee is the counter argument to exes aa alun gulhen faseyha vaaney feeling friends aa same eh nuvaaney(balifayeko), and I say not everything is plain and logical in relationships and people have different insecurities, so there is no point of trying to justify every bloody thing.
Why relationships today? Coz I just pretty much circled out of a perfectly good one (possibility wise, nice guy etc) because plainly speaking nice guy wasn't enough... I know I would probably never fall in love with him, I need someone I can speak to and be myself with, on my own terms. It's not totally about him letting me do what I wanna do, be what I wanna be ... I can compromise it's fine... but I need passion to keep the interest flowing you know? Don't wanna end up hurting an innocent dude. I hope everyone else understands though...
It was going too fast, and I stopped myself before jumping into an abyss, only time can tell what happens next with him or anyone else. I am not biased towards a particular person, nor am I looking for any one necessarily... but if I go for a relationship I now, at this point of my life, it will because I am somewhat certain towards the relationship and a potential future.
Just for laughs --->
Passwords A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded: "Not Long Enough"
Something fascinating a friend sent to me, do take the time to read this ... it's a fascinating perspective. Very George Orwell '1980'/'Animal Farm' sorta thingey...
http://www.file.sc/ad5f28/3%20little%20pigs.txt
In the end, we come to the same old conclusion but our personal views didn't really change very much. But there were excellent points made, and it was good dinner time, or rather mid-night snack, conversation.
It's funny you know, how it's easier for a women to fall in love or rather convince herself that she is in love but it takes a lot more convincing for a man but in long term women move on much, much easier than men. Hmmm well women have a higher pain threshold than men both physically as well as psychologically (don't you dare argue, we give birth don't we?)
It's not anhenun firihenun felun or being money crazed really dho... women do look for a man who can support her especially financially, where men normally seek support because they intend to (atleast initially) make and build a future on their own... applies to the most independant woman, and is best accepted don't you think.
Women complain forever that they have to take care of their men but there is a direct pleasure they derive from being able to leave him satisfied... sexually, emotionally and when it comes to their daily chores as well.
I heard quite a few young married couples complain about not having enough time to spend with each other tonight, and kept thinking how a child would affect their lives.The main thing was like the women keep saying that the guys come home at night only for sex... So as far as babies go, the men claim it'd keep the wife distracted from calling them home every 5 minutes, and the wives say the man wouldn't have time for a child anyway. All in all, I decided I don't want to get married in the next 5 years and as much as I adore kids, I'd delay that till I'm sure the relationship will survive through it...
You know, I think I'd like the guy around when I give birth though, just to see how much of a big deal it is... a natural birth yet... :> pakaaaas, needs to be a brave, brave guy obviously... *rofl* gonna be hard to find...
Dhen alhefahe...the discussion in still going on here, and the talk is about exes... and some don't like their partners to be closer to exes. Trust ge massala ekoa thee is the counter argument to exes aa alun gulhen faseyha vaaney feeling friends aa same eh nuvaaney(balifayeko), and I say not everything is plain and logical in relationships and people have different insecurities, so there is no point of trying to justify every bloody thing.
Why relationships today? Coz I just pretty much circled out of a perfectly good one (possibility wise, nice guy etc) because plainly speaking nice guy wasn't enough... I know I would probably never fall in love with him, I need someone I can speak to and be myself with, on my own terms. It's not totally about him letting me do what I wanna do, be what I wanna be ... I can compromise it's fine... but I need passion to keep the interest flowing you know? Don't wanna end up hurting an innocent dude. I hope everyone else understands though...
It was going too fast, and I stopped myself before jumping into an abyss, only time can tell what happens next with him or anyone else. I am not biased towards a particular person, nor am I looking for any one necessarily... but if I go for a relationship I now, at this point of my life, it will because I am somewhat certain towards the relationship and a potential future.
Just for laughs --->
Passwords A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded: "Not Long Enough"
Something fascinating a friend sent to me, do take the time to read this ... it's a fascinating perspective. Very George Orwell '1980'/'Animal Farm' sorta thingey...
http://www.file.sc/ad5f28/3%20little%20pigs.txt
Snippet
|
Summary of my current life...
(music and words are healing sources...)
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees
And the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another
Wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why
And I don't know
Why
Why
And I don't know
(music and words are healing sources...)
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees
And the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another
Wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why
And I don't know
Why
Why
And I don't know
Here a ? there a ? every where ?, ?
|
Have you ever been in a position in life...where you're wondering, from all aspects whether you're doing the right thing? You hope you are, technically you are... but it's not quite what your heart wants? Since your heart has never been right (in your memory of how things work), you don't trust your own instincts... and you watch a lot of life slip by, stuck in the memory of what was and clinging to the sparkle of what could have been? When you mistake love for sympathy and need is prioritised higher than want, and you convince yourself that you are being sensible, responsible and mature... but are you?
Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of questions...
And then there is the dilemma of following your heart, and becoming the irresposible, irrational one... you do it because it will make you happy... but at what cost...
Am I doing the right thing? Am I being too selfish?
I guess it's too far gone to be justifying anything I've done... but, I keep wondering whether all this hassle is worth it... should I just have gone along with everything? I know the reasons for that are logical... but... I know the counter argument is pretty valid too... I guess, I just... feel so bad... about making such a fuss over everything... makes me feel like a uncaring selfish brat...
One question... does bribing a friend to keep his mouth shut about something that will hurt someone I care about make me stupid if this secret is something that hurts me... and I have nothing to loose from it coming out... and everyone but me thinks the person I am protecting is just trying to screw me over but I believe him for reasons that are utterly illogical? Not that the other one (who is almost blackmailing me because I want him to shut up pretty bad) is any saint... quite the opposite...
Yes, yes. It does make me stupid. Our own stupidity is what seperates us from other mindless individuals I suppose. *sheepish attempt to laugh*
Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of questions...
And then there is the dilemma of following your heart, and becoming the irresposible, irrational one... you do it because it will make you happy... but at what cost...
Am I doing the right thing? Am I being too selfish?
I guess it's too far gone to be justifying anything I've done... but, I keep wondering whether all this hassle is worth it... should I just have gone along with everything? I know the reasons for that are logical... but... I know the counter argument is pretty valid too... I guess, I just... feel so bad... about making such a fuss over everything... makes me feel like a uncaring selfish brat...
One question... does bribing a friend to keep his mouth shut about something that will hurt someone I care about make me stupid if this secret is something that hurts me... and I have nothing to loose from it coming out... and everyone but me thinks the person I am protecting is just trying to screw me over but I believe him for reasons that are utterly illogical? Not that the other one (who is almost blackmailing me because I want him to shut up pretty bad) is any saint... quite the opposite...
Yes, yes. It does make me stupid. Our own stupidity is what seperates us from other mindless individuals I suppose. *sheepish attempt to laugh*
|
I've been haunted by this song since I was around 9 or 10 years old... I watched the movie 'Mighty Joe Young' in Singapore, I was staying with a family without my Mom or Dad for something like 2 months or so... I heard this song, right around when my parents first started having serious problems...
It's in Swahilli and is a lullaby called 'the wind song' ...
Swahili:
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati unajiwa na
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati ndoto tamu
Lala mpaka usiku uisheniupepo wa usikuwimbo wanko na
Wimbo wangu inaendelea milele
English:
Sing a song and for moment and be visited by the wind...
Sing a song and for a moment dream sweetly of the wind ...
Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song, are there and pass by...
However the song, my child, will go on forever.
It's wierd but beautiful at the same time...
It's in Swahilli and is a lullaby called 'the wind song' ...
Swahili:
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati unajiwa na
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati ndoto tamu
Lala mpaka usiku uisheniupepo wa usikuwimbo wanko na
Wimbo wangu inaendelea milele
English:
Sing a song and for moment and be visited by the wind...
Sing a song and for a moment dream sweetly of the wind ...
Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song, are there and pass by...
However the song, my child, will go on forever.
It's wierd but beautiful at the same time...
Flap your wings!
|
Am chicken.
Am avoiding talking abt wierd things.
Am avoiding fights with Papa.
Am avoiding things... am very good at it now.
*giggles*
Flying to UK tonight, for the last time for a long time I suppose. Feel almost wistful *yikes* ...
I hate saying goodbyes...
Flying alone is quite a nice thing though, time to think, feels quite independant, then again I was independant more or less all the time in UK... but am not looking forward to Heathrow security. GrrrrRRRrrr...
A friend blogged about me today... *tochu vefa, tearing up*
Anyway, to cheer me up... shopping (if Papa is kind enough to provide financial backing), hanging around with buddies, going nutty with wacko cousins... loverly, loverly indeed...
I leave at 12 o clock cinderella style (ooh, I might loose my glass fen faivaan) and it is practically tradition for me to hang around til 3 the day before I leave and totally screw up ... I might actually have to pack myself this time (eeeeek!), but it's also fine coz I don't do it only coz I get too depressed...
So it's fine. Life is fine. No complaints. Just fine. Shouldn't I be happy with fine?
F.I.N.E.
G.O.O.D
Four letters. Neither word particularly aesthetically appealing. Then why the craving for one?
Wierd.
Off to have a 'fine' time... prolly will end up getting 'fine'-d in the process.
*now thats what I call a bad joke...*
Am avoiding talking abt wierd things.
Am avoiding fights with Papa.
Am avoiding things... am very good at it now.
*giggles*
Flying to UK tonight, for the last time for a long time I suppose. Feel almost wistful *yikes* ...
I hate saying goodbyes...
Flying alone is quite a nice thing though, time to think, feels quite independant, then again I was independant more or less all the time in UK... but am not looking forward to Heathrow security. GrrrrRRRrrr...
A friend blogged about me today... *tochu vefa, tearing up*
Anyway, to cheer me up... shopping (if Papa is kind enough to provide financial backing), hanging around with buddies, going nutty with wacko cousins... loverly, loverly indeed...
I leave at 12 o clock cinderella style (ooh, I might loose my glass fen faivaan) and it is practically tradition for me to hang around til 3 the day before I leave and totally screw up ... I might actually have to pack myself this time (eeeeek!), but it's also fine coz I don't do it only coz I get too depressed...
So it's fine. Life is fine. No complaints. Just fine. Shouldn't I be happy with fine?
F.I.N.E.
G.O.O.D
Four letters. Neither word particularly aesthetically appealing. Then why the craving for one?
Wierd.
Off to have a 'fine' time... prolly will end up getting 'fine'-d in the process.
*now thats what I call a bad joke...*
|
Everyday I think I should stop writing this crap.
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Almost Real
|
My blogs have been... trippy lately yes? I started with jokes, to unloading heavy artillery... to lost... to avoiding the issue entirely...
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
Oh my child...
|
Once upon a time, there was a girl... a girl who had everything she could possibly need, luxuries other people only dreamed of... but she was also a lonely girl.. and a sad little princess...
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
Flowered curtains...
|
He sat my the bar table... lost deep in thought, tapping a familiar tune with one hand, cradling an empty wine glass in the other, dangerously and carelessly...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
GR.GR.GR.
|
I miss my exboyfriend... yes, I still do. Because I cannot still, cannot talk to anyone the way I could talk to him. Yes... he had issues that I talked to his best friends and shared stuff with other people but the truth is I let him inside the way no one ever has...
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
C- laa
|
Life seems to be full of C's... And for once, I'm not talking about my assigment grades (hyuk!) ... Confusion, Collision, Complication, Corruption and Conflict. Resultant... crying and corrosion of my core.
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
My terms.
|
So, I made a few boo boo's. I'm paying for it in huge amounts... Me got hurt, me ge freedom athulaifi. Me is... in quite a bad position really.
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!
Easier Said Than Done
|
At first I thought that 18th was the worst night I’ve had in a long, long time.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
Ironies. Follies. And Stupidity.
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Kinda all goes hand in hand...
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
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Back in Male’… ‘sin city’… where the worst crime is trusting someone…
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
The Confessions Of A *B*I*T*C*H*
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Of all the guys I dated... or had flings with....
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
Just A Depressing...
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Ever felt like you've run out of tears?
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
In response
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Big brother ga national TV ga handaathan broad cast kuraa aathun kithanmehaa ves sicku... ekamu eyah vuren maa sad e alhuvaigen gavaaidhun balaa ulhey lhain...
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
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KFC is evil. Diet ge halaaku. Mi hafthaa ga melheny hetakah. But I reckon my personal happiness ranks higher than my health (or rather, my dress size) right now.
So, :P to all the meanie calories staring and sneering at me. You hear me? I. Don’t. Care.
Atleast for the moment :):D
I usually detest shopping. But today was nice. I got myself some FIFA fever… b’day presents all ticked off, people better like what they get. Sigh...
If only the sun would shine…
But it is UK, and that is stretching it I suppose.
No more black hair for me. I’m going brown today. That’s the I-lost-count-ages-ago time that I’m dying my hair in 6 months. Let me tell you, brunette or blonde – life still sucks. Hehehe… no one has more fun L Did I ever mention though that I am obsessed with hair? I will refuse to go out unless I like the way it looks…that and my nails…drives me mad… I’m constantly destroying it by wacko experiments…
I say, blue-black hair is nice though… makes me feel… more chic… I saw this dude with electric blue hair in City Center today and he looked pretty damn good… Almost convinced me to chuck away my anti-foreign guy dating policy… (not really a policy…they just don’t seem to attract me)…
Oh, I’m in such a girly mood today….I’ve become girlier since coming to UK I think… oh well, a campus full of women, what do you expect… Tsk… Dad’s hidden agenda…
Hair is a good way of expressing your individuality of course (yes, I am trying to inject a little intelligence into this blog but as you can see I fail miserably…) …Mohawks are cool… or, you could imitate ‘Haamaan’, Ronaldo etc by shaving it all off (or say you shaved it all off… wen its starts falling… ). This latter option is pretty interesting because it’s economical as well, when you’re on your motorcycle, you no longer need headlights….
Ooi I discovered the cutest blog today… http://www.sheldonhickey.com/blog/ it is so cute… and a pretty good idea… I wanna baby!!!!
Ahem… moving on… me have a course to prepare for…
Btw my hair is now brown! Chocolate brown… bronzy… me likes… reminds me of sin… ie. chocolate… oh shit… bad for the diet…
Good excuse; I couldn’t help nicking the choc… the reflection in the mirror just made me crave too much.. :P
So, :P to all the meanie calories staring and sneering at me. You hear me? I. Don’t. Care.
Atleast for the moment :):D
I usually detest shopping. But today was nice. I got myself some FIFA fever… b’day presents all ticked off, people better like what they get. Sigh...
If only the sun would shine…
But it is UK, and that is stretching it I suppose.
No more black hair for me. I’m going brown today. That’s the I-lost-count-ages-ago time that I’m dying my hair in 6 months. Let me tell you, brunette or blonde – life still sucks. Hehehe… no one has more fun L Did I ever mention though that I am obsessed with hair? I will refuse to go out unless I like the way it looks…that and my nails…drives me mad… I’m constantly destroying it by wacko experiments…
I say, blue-black hair is nice though… makes me feel… more chic… I saw this dude with electric blue hair in City Center today and he looked pretty damn good… Almost convinced me to chuck away my anti-foreign guy dating policy… (not really a policy…they just don’t seem to attract me)…
Oh, I’m in such a girly mood today….I’ve become girlier since coming to UK I think… oh well, a campus full of women, what do you expect… Tsk… Dad’s hidden agenda…
Hair is a good way of expressing your individuality of course (yes, I am trying to inject a little intelligence into this blog but as you can see I fail miserably…) …Mohawks are cool… or, you could imitate ‘Haamaan’, Ronaldo etc by shaving it all off (or say you shaved it all off… wen its starts falling… ). This latter option is pretty interesting because it’s economical as well, when you’re on your motorcycle, you no longer need headlights….
Ooi I discovered the cutest blog today… http://www.sheldonhickey.com/blog/ it is so cute… and a pretty good idea… I wanna baby!!!!
Ahem… moving on… me have a course to prepare for…
Btw my hair is now brown! Chocolate brown… bronzy… me likes… reminds me of sin… ie. chocolate… oh shit… bad for the diet…
Good excuse; I couldn’t help nicking the choc… the reflection in the mirror just made me crave too much.. :P
The moments you could live without...
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There is nothing quite as devastating as losing someone you love. Losing two of the best friends I’ve ever had taught me a lot about that. It’s not something you ever wish to face… the words you never want to hear.
Perhaps worse though, is the fear that you are losing someone. That never-ending fear that he/she is going to leave you… especially if it is someone so close to you that you take him/her for granted…the thought that someday they might not be around… is incredibly painful.
Fear may not be rational, but then again logic has always been over run by human emotion so that argument doesn’t even come into this picture, as far as I am concerned. And cancer evokes a very real fear… strong…
I thought this disaster would be over… but it returns to haunt us… I can bear being so far away… and not being able to be there for her. All I can think about is the hundreds upon hundreds of times I have selfishly complained about her…so many a time I’ve let her down… and today, I am absolutely incapable of easing her pain. Such a over-powering sense of weakness… and time wasted. Time that who knows, I may never have.
Maybe you think I’m being dramatic. I guess it’s different for everyone, and I guess you have to know the entire story to understand. Still scares the hell out of me…
She’s always been there for me. Every time I’ve done something stupid, I see the disappointment shining in her eyes but nevertheless she has always been there for me.
She’s the woman I want to become in her strength, and her compassion… her unconditional love for her family… It just seems all so bloody unfair… And I can see her strength is not what it used to be… I can’t blame her either.
Faith fails me sometimes… Why would someone as good as her have to face so much turbulence in her life, hasn’t she gone through enough already? Why would God take away the one and only person I know will always be there for me, no matter how badly I fuck it all up, the one person who loves me beyond any doubt? The one person I love enough to die for… seriously, there is something wrong with this picture…
She wanted so much from me… I couldn’t give her. From good results academically, to finding a good guy instead of playing around… which is not my fault really, just bad luck… oh well, I guess it is my fault for being too damn picky sometimes… and determined to find what I want, when I could have been satisfied with a decent dude… maybe that’s what I should do. Just settle… and do whatever I can to get the sort of future she hopes for me.
All the times I’ve complained about how ‘blonde’ she is… how different we can be… it keeps coming to mind… and the tears refuse to stop. I feel ridiculous… but those are the things I love most about her… how she can be so strong and supportive and wise… and sometimes so naïve and so sweet… and so loving…so forgiving…
I feel disconnected… confused. Upset? Yeah, of course. Helpless…
Summer vacation seems a lot more bleak right now… my friends here have been absolutely lovely about cheering me up… but BBQ’s and pool parties aren’t distracting me… Driving up to Bath was nice… a beautiful day in a beautiful city with my beautiful friends… but at the house (a mansion to tell you the truth) all I could think about was how much she’d have loved being there…
And all the dreams we’d cooked up… essentially she one of my ‘my best friend’ s… but she is my personal support system and I am hers… it just hurts to be so far away… unable to call her (or anyone… stupid phone has no credit and I can’t call and talk to any human)… all my life she has been by my side, and I can never repay my debts… but we are closer in our relationship than almost anyone else I know is…
We talk about everything, and cry together… from illness, to family complications… to the men who have come and gone in our lives… and to think that she is suffering so much, so far away… to think that she could be gone … kills me.
I am being a seriously worrying social recluse today. But can you blame me? I’m like floating around in a dead shell.
Perhaps worse though, is the fear that you are losing someone. That never-ending fear that he/she is going to leave you… especially if it is someone so close to you that you take him/her for granted…the thought that someday they might not be around… is incredibly painful.
Fear may not be rational, but then again logic has always been over run by human emotion so that argument doesn’t even come into this picture, as far as I am concerned. And cancer evokes a very real fear… strong…
I thought this disaster would be over… but it returns to haunt us… I can bear being so far away… and not being able to be there for her. All I can think about is the hundreds upon hundreds of times I have selfishly complained about her…so many a time I’ve let her down… and today, I am absolutely incapable of easing her pain. Such a over-powering sense of weakness… and time wasted. Time that who knows, I may never have.
Maybe you think I’m being dramatic. I guess it’s different for everyone, and I guess you have to know the entire story to understand. Still scares the hell out of me…
She’s always been there for me. Every time I’ve done something stupid, I see the disappointment shining in her eyes but nevertheless she has always been there for me.
She’s the woman I want to become in her strength, and her compassion… her unconditional love for her family… It just seems all so bloody unfair… And I can see her strength is not what it used to be… I can’t blame her either.
Faith fails me sometimes… Why would someone as good as her have to face so much turbulence in her life, hasn’t she gone through enough already? Why would God take away the one and only person I know will always be there for me, no matter how badly I fuck it all up, the one person who loves me beyond any doubt? The one person I love enough to die for… seriously, there is something wrong with this picture…
She wanted so much from me… I couldn’t give her. From good results academically, to finding a good guy instead of playing around… which is not my fault really, just bad luck… oh well, I guess it is my fault for being too damn picky sometimes… and determined to find what I want, when I could have been satisfied with a decent dude… maybe that’s what I should do. Just settle… and do whatever I can to get the sort of future she hopes for me.
All the times I’ve complained about how ‘blonde’ she is… how different we can be… it keeps coming to mind… and the tears refuse to stop. I feel ridiculous… but those are the things I love most about her… how she can be so strong and supportive and wise… and sometimes so naïve and so sweet… and so loving…so forgiving…
I feel disconnected… confused. Upset? Yeah, of course. Helpless…
Summer vacation seems a lot more bleak right now… my friends here have been absolutely lovely about cheering me up… but BBQ’s and pool parties aren’t distracting me… Driving up to Bath was nice… a beautiful day in a beautiful city with my beautiful friends… but at the house (a mansion to tell you the truth) all I could think about was how much she’d have loved being there…
And all the dreams we’d cooked up… essentially she one of my ‘my best friend’ s… but she is my personal support system and I am hers… it just hurts to be so far away… unable to call her (or anyone… stupid phone has no credit and I can’t call and talk to any human)… all my life she has been by my side, and I can never repay my debts… but we are closer in our relationship than almost anyone else I know is…
We talk about everything, and cry together… from illness, to family complications… to the men who have come and gone in our lives… and to think that she is suffering so much, so far away… to think that she could be gone … kills me.
I am being a seriously worrying social recluse today. But can you blame me? I’m like floating around in a dead shell.
My jumbled chain of thought...
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Butterflies are pretty creatures… I was fascinated by the sight of one fluttering about my window this morning. Symbolic aren’t they? Yeah…found something {http://www.khandro.net/animal
Personally though, I prefer dragonflies… (twas one ‘tochin’ movie as well)
This ‘woman like a man’ song is just totally becoming my song… but then that’s me I always outplay songs…I have to say though, y’all who suggested it were right… it’s pretty ‘me’ (whatever that means… :P )
Fellow bored friends, you know what’s worth looking up? American Pie – as in the meaning behind the song. Good musical background information… and interesting…
I was studying Gia Carangi today… not a particularly shocking life. Perhaps at the time… she is after all one of the first celebs to have been diagnosed with HIV… today her story is common place among most of us… we all know someone who has sexual frustrations (we aren’t talking about lonely kids stuck at home :P), or a destructive addiction… self harm… violence…something along those lines…dho? Sad innit?
I could go on about the social causes… but I am very sick of it all at the moment… still Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah is worth a read if any one is looking for an insight into why exactly Male’ is turning into the ghetto’s or for that matter, anyone failing to see 50 cent’s appeal.
I think I could probably see (twisted viyas) logic in a lot of ‘crimes’ … but things like
Child Pornography I really do not understand. I can’t imagine how twisted you’d have to be to find pleasure in abusing a kid… there is nothing that pisses me off more. How internet in all it’s ‘anonymity’ and ‘limitless access to other people’ has boosted this sort of activity is disgusting. Paedophilic perations like ‘w0nderland’ and ‘Shadowz Brotherhood’ ought to be I dunno… murdered or locked up for life I think. I don’t care how messed up these people are, some people deserve to fucking die.
Look at these stats for instance…
Some 7,250 of them are located in the UK an, starting in May 2002, a series of raids has been conducted by local police forces under the general heading of "Operation Ore", resulting - by April 2004 - in:
- 4100 addresses searched
- 3500 people arrested
- 1670 people charged
- 1230 people convicted
- 1300 investigations ongoing
Among those charged have been 50 police officers. The most high profile British customer of this site has been the rock star Pete Townsend who subsequently received a police caution and whose name was added to the Sex Offenders' Register for five years.
Isn’t that more than just a bit worrying? And these are countries with pretty good facilities to reach out to when you are in a bad situation. I mean, I’m living in Britain now, and I know that I can protect my self and my rights if I want to, but Raaje ga it’s not so easy. I can’t imagine the number kids who do not realise that they are being abused… or perhaps their parents don’t understand what he/she/ is trying to say… worse still … maybe it is being deliberately ignored? It’s pretty true especially with young girls…
That’s what I think you say? Been there done that. I know that nothing will result from an official complaint, aside from your own reputation (the kid or the parent…whatever) becoming tarnished perhaps. Bloody unfair? Of course it is. Things really, really need to change… I won’t even begin on how sites like Balaabodu or Crazy Maldivians accelerate/generate these kinds of attitudes… basically exploiting people over the web… grrr…
UK is weird. The sun shine is killing me, yet I still feel cold! And unlike the rest of the population, I’m not half-naked either!
Ah well. Back to my tea for now. Chao… (love my tea light and sweet!)
Lil note : (Nice song, good tune…fun to play and fun-er to sing. If you wanna play this thing I hope you got your bars down… very rhythmic)
Woman Like A man - Damien Rice
Standard Tuning
Key of Dm (Dm Scale: D E F G A Bb C)
Intro:
Dmin Bbmin Gmin Fmin* Fmin*/E
Dmin Bbmin Gmin Cmin(with 2 hammer-ons)
(Repeat with a single hammer on at end)
Dm
I need a piss
Bbm
Wanna hate
Gm
Fuck it up
Cm
Come
Dm
My love
Bbm
Eat your meat
Gm
Keep your teeth
Cm
Run
Dm
You lost me
Bbm
You cost me
Gm--------------------Fm* Fm*/E
You thought me of me, yeah
Dm
We're bad
Bbm
What we do
Gm---------(REST)
Stupid fools
--------------Dm (Bass & Drums enter)
You wanna get boned
--------------Bbm
You wanna get stoned
----------------Gm------------
You wanna get a room like no-one else
-------------Dm
You wanna be rich
-------------Bbm
You wanna be kitch
-----------------Gm-----------
You wanna be the bastard of yourself.
--------------Dm
You wanna get burned
--------------Bbm
You wanna get turned
--------------Gm-------------
You wanna get fucked inside out
-------------Dm
You wanna be ruled
-------------Bbm
You wanna be fooled
---------------Gm
You wanna be a woman like a man
Cm
Like A, like A, like A
Chorus:
Dm----------------Bbm--------
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Dm----------------Bbm---------
Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Dm----------------Bbm--------
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Dm----------------Bbm--------
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
I need a hit
Want to wait
Suck it up
Come
My love
Eat your meat
Itchy feet
Run
You reach me
You bleach me
You teach me of me
How familiar
We're bad
What we do
Stupid fools
You wanna get boned
You wanna get stoned
You wanna get a room like no-one else
You wanna be rich
You wanna be kitch
You wanna be the bastard of yourself
You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out
You wanna be ruled
You wanna be fooled
You wanna be a woman like a man
Like a woman, like a, like a man
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, woman like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
Cello part for guitar (Play 4 times ending on the E note bracketed below on the last repeat):
D--12--10---------------------
A----------13--12--10---------
E----------------------13--(12
You wanna get boned
You wanna get stoned
You wanna get a room like no-one else
You wanna be rich
You wanna be kitch
You wanna be the bastard of yourself
You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out
You wanna be ruled
You wanna be fooled
You wanna be a woman like a man
Like a woman, like a, like a man
Like a man, like a man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man
Like a man, man, man, man, man, man
Woman like a man
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, woman like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a woman like a man, like a man,
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, like a man, like a man,
(I'll get a cheaper ticket next time)
Woman like a man, like a man, woman like a man, ike a man.
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
(It really wasn't worth the ride)
|
‘Evves meehakah nulibeyne emeehakah libidhaane kamah emeehaku gabool nukuraa etcheh’
‘Faiboa golainaa noonee hama nuvanee tha?’
So you really want to know huh?
Nivea; this blog is for you. You will not come to know more than you already do, but are unwilling to accept.
I don’t care if this makes you think of me as someone with zero self esteem. The simplest answer to that question is another question. Visnun hunna, hama budheega vaa, rangalhu kujjeh aharen kahala meehaka (dhen adu araafa vaagothun viyas) hayaatheh heydha kuran beynun vane tha? Nuvaane. Ehenve, mashah vuren balhu meehakah dho mashaa ekkoh ulheveynee.
I know you don’t approve of half the decisions I make. But I really have very little to lose. Maybe you are right… I have nothing to gain either. I just don’t want to fool myself into hoping for something because even hope is quite something to have to lose. I spare myself that sort of degrading humiliation and pain.
That is all I have to say on the topic. I am going to continue to blog about the simplistic layers of life, above the veins and the blood that rushes through because I will never, ever bleed again. Don’t try to cut through that.
‘Faiboa golainaa noonee hama nuvanee tha?’
So you really want to know huh?
Nivea; this blog is for you. You will not come to know more than you already do, but are unwilling to accept.
I don’t care if this makes you think of me as someone with zero self esteem. The simplest answer to that question is another question. Visnun hunna, hama budheega vaa, rangalhu kujjeh aharen kahala meehaka (dhen adu araafa vaagothun viyas) hayaatheh heydha kuran beynun vane tha? Nuvaane. Ehenve, mashah vuren balhu meehakah dho mashaa ekkoh ulheveynee.
I know you don’t approve of half the decisions I make. But I really have very little to lose. Maybe you are right… I have nothing to gain either. I just don’t want to fool myself into hoping for something because even hope is quite something to have to lose. I spare myself that sort of degrading humiliation and pain.
That is all I have to say on the topic. I am going to continue to blog about the simplistic layers of life, above the veins and the blood that rushes through because I will never, ever bleed again. Don’t try to cut through that.
Day 2. Boredom Overload...
|
The angel’s top ten sexiest songs (special moments… events … nights):
Rastaman Vibrations – Bob Marley!!! *joke* :P Pakaaaaaaaaaaas…
- Morcheeba – The Sea
- Living To Love You – Sarah Connor
- Slow – Bobby Valentino
- Insatiable – Darren Hayes
- Sexual Healing – Ben Harper
- Your Body Is A Wonderland – John Mayer (to my friends; I know how many times I’ve said I hate this song but I was biased against this due to a certain person and it just doesn’t matter anymore so :P)
- Only One Time – Enya
- Just Like Heaven – Katie Melua
- Unintended – Muse
- Break So Easy – Jonathan Rice
- Glorybox – Portishead
- World Upon Your Shoulders – SilverChair
- Eki Rey Rey – Sultans
- Rey Otheemey (acoustic version)
- Patience – Guns N Roses (apparently the song was about Axl and his now ex-wife simultaneous orgasm eh naisgeno :P or a failed relationship… I forget which)
I feel cheesy if that makes any sense, today… and so I proudly present (btw, special attn to the version as well)…
The angel’s top twenny tear inducing romantic musical concoctions :
- Eternal Flame – MYMP ( My favourite… and this version is the least corny one, the most gorgeous one of all)
- If you’re not the one – Daniel Bedding field (Over played, but lyrics are just like no other)
- When you say nothing at all – Ronan Keating (Everyone has felt that sometime)
- Baby Can I Hold You – Tracy Chapman
- November Rain – Guns N Roses
- Right Here Waiting For You – Richard Marx
- Wherever You Will Go – The Calling
- Blower’s Daughter – Damien Rice
- Can’t Help Falling In Love – Darren Hayes (Nothing personal with Presley but this version, right time and right moment is just lush…)
- Heaven (acoustic) – Bryan Adams
- Hanging By A Moment – Lifehouse
- She – Elvis Costello
- We Belong Together – Gavin DeGraw (Bad lyrics, beautiful melody)
- Chaaley – Trio
- Almost Here – Delta Goodrem Feat. Brian McFadden
- From This Moment – Shania Twain
- Belong Together – Mariah Carey
- I Wanna Grow Old With You - Westlife
- Eheelun – Illsite
- A Whole New World (full orchestral, symphonic version… everyone knows the lyrics anyway)
I have a lil countdown chart till the 8th on my pin board now. How sad is that? Just hope this ain’t gonna be a disappointing summer… I don’t even know what I mean by that! Just… Well life’s sucked for a while. I hope things don’t get fucked again. Easter started out sweet and ended more than bitter. Maybe that’s just the way things are meant to be? Hope not…
Top Break-up/Single Songs (also applies for LD’s)
(You know, I think I may have made similar lists before. Oh heck. I’m bored and exams have churned my brains to mush. To hell with it. Here you go again!)
Warning: Most of these songs aren’t a very good idea if you are trying to be emotionally detached.
- My Immortal - Evanescence
- Strange Relationship – Darren Hayes
- Bad Habit – Destiny’s Child
- Don’t Cry – Guns N Roses
- Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper Feat. Pearl Jam
- Halo – Haley James Scott
- Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
- I Bruise Easily – Natasha Bedingfield
- The First Cut Is The Deepest – Rod Stewart
- I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan
- Right Here Waiting – Staind
- Nobody’s Listening - Avril Lavigne
- Here Without You – 3 Doors Down
- Wild World – Cat Stevens
- Till Kingdom Come – Coldplay
- Leave Right Now – Will Young
- Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt
- Breathe – Anne Nalick
- Aadheys – Unoosha
- Crazy – Aerosmith
My top quotes from my friends… (Yes, real live people! :P pakaaaaaaaaaas, was browsing through a few chat logs today :S yes, that bored… and homesick too. Tell me if any of you don’t want this here, I’ll remove it ingey…)
‘Sex and love making are completely different. You can be the expert on one and a total virgin to the other.’
‘I just don’t think of her as a girlfriend, seriously… she’s always been a fuck buddy to me’
‘Harry Potter is cool. I am a fan though, not a fanatic’
‘Yeah IRC sucks... hey you’re on! Op me! Pwease…’
‘Balaa eh. Kaey theme song vaan vee Damien Rice ge Woman Like A Man ah. Serious koh.’
‘Heykendey. Thelhey thelhey. Ai jahaa. Ulhan boshi lhoehlaa …..’ (goes on and on and on … )
‘Keey tha vee? Eiee Badi ekey. Ehenveem OK vaaney.’ (à JERK)
‘If you were a girl, I’d marry you’ (Can you not see that I am female? Um… I think it was meant to be sweet so… thanks?!?? :P :P Mashakee hama thui anhen kujjeh!)
‘Also interesting is the fact that your maternal instinct is really surfacing these days ;)
Normally happens when we're pregnant...’
(To which I instantly reply ‘which I most certainly am not’)
‘How does it feel like to have a tall, dark and not-too-handsome guy await with his dick in hand for u?’ (Actually it sucks big time. I just want a nice guy who doesn’t see me as free pussy. Issat too much to ask?)
‘Paint me purple and lick me clean’ (beyond me.)
‘Well things must be pretty exciting over there in the great blue blooded British campus’ (obviously, obviously not. It’s nice but I’m lazy. I don’t fancy clubbing that much anymore…I’m a reformed chick *angelic smile* - couldn’t resist adding… but really I don’t.)
‘You think you’re cool? Well I’m hot. So there.’
I just went downstairs to the kitchen to make me a hot cuppa, and I saw the strangest thing. The Europeans are all sitting by the right TV watching soaps, and all the Asians are sitting by the other Plasma screen watching the World Cup (Italian men are tempting but I just don’t feel like watching the match thus am upstairs if you’re wondering). Strange…
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