Easier Said Than Done

At first I thought that 18th was the worst night I’ve had in a long, long time.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.