GR.GR.GR.

I miss my exboyfriend... yes, I still do. Because I cannot still, cannot talk to anyone the way I could talk to him. Yes... he had issues that I talked to his best friends and shared stuff with other people but the truth is I let him inside the way no one ever has...
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.