Almost Real

My blogs have been... trippy lately yes? I started with jokes, to unloading heavy artillery... to lost... to avoiding the issue entirely...
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...

I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...

'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'