Perhaps worse though, is the fear that you are losing someone. That never-ending fear that he/she is going to leave you… especially if it is someone so close to you that you take him/her for granted…the thought that someday they might not be around… is incredibly painful.
Fear may not be rational, but then again logic has always been over run by human emotion so that argument doesn’t even come into this picture, as far as I am concerned. And cancer evokes a very real fear… strong…
I thought this disaster would be over… but it returns to haunt us… I can bear being so far away… and not being able to be there for her. All I can think about is the hundreds upon hundreds of times I have selfishly complained about her…so many a time I’ve let her down… and today, I am absolutely incapable of easing her pain. Such a over-powering sense of weakness… and time wasted. Time that who knows, I may never have.
Maybe you think I’m being dramatic. I guess it’s different for everyone, and I guess you have to know the entire story to understand. Still scares the hell out of me…
She’s always been there for me. Every time I’ve done something stupid, I see the disappointment shining in her eyes but nevertheless she has always been there for me.
She’s the woman I want to become in her strength, and her compassion… her unconditional love for her family… It just seems all so bloody unfair… And I can see her strength is not what it used to be… I can’t blame her either.
Faith fails me sometimes… Why would someone as good as her have to face so much turbulence in her life, hasn’t she gone through enough already? Why would God take away the one and only person I know will always be there for me, no matter how badly I fuck it all up, the one person who loves me beyond any doubt? The one person I love enough to die for… seriously, there is something wrong with this picture…
She wanted so much from me… I couldn’t give her. From good results academically, to finding a good guy instead of playing around… which is not my fault really, just bad luck… oh well, I guess it is my fault for being too damn picky sometimes… and determined to find what I want, when I could have been satisfied with a decent dude… maybe that’s what I should do. Just settle… and do whatever I can to get the sort of future she hopes for me.
All the times I’ve complained about how ‘blonde’ she is… how different we can be… it keeps coming to mind… and the tears refuse to stop. I feel ridiculous… but those are the things I love most about her… how she can be so strong and supportive and wise… and sometimes so naïve and so sweet… and so loving…so forgiving…
I feel disconnected… confused. Upset? Yeah, of course. Helpless…
Summer vacation seems a lot more bleak right now… my friends here have been absolutely lovely about cheering me up… but BBQ’s and pool parties aren’t distracting me… Driving up to Bath was nice… a beautiful day in a beautiful city with my beautiful friends… but at the house (a mansion to tell you the truth) all I could think about was how much she’d have loved being there…
And all the dreams we’d cooked up… essentially she one of my ‘my best friend’ s… but she is my personal support system and I am hers… it just hurts to be so far away… unable to call her (or anyone… stupid phone has no credit and I can’t call and talk to any human)… all my life she has been by my side, and I can never repay my debts… but we are closer in our relationship than almost anyone else I know is…
We talk about everything, and cry together… from illness, to family complications… to the men who have come and gone in our lives… and to think that she is suffering so much, so far away… to think that she could be gone … kills me.
I am being a seriously worrying social recluse today. But can you blame me? I’m like floating around in a dead shell.
3 comments:
C'mon...dont be so down...Insha Allah everything will be fine.
everyone get those moments dho i know youll be fine
shukran!
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