Day 2. Boredom Overload...

The angel’s top ten sexiest songs (special moments… events … nights):

Rastaman Vibrations – Bob Marley!!! *joke* :P Pakaaaaaaaaaaas…

1. Morcheeba – The Sea
2. Living To Love You – Sarah Connor
3. Slow – Bobby Valentino
4. Insatiable – Darren Hayes
5. Sexual Healing – Ben Harper
6. Your Body Is A Wonderland – John Mayer (to my friends; I know how many times I’ve said I hate this song but I was biased against this due to a certain person and it just doesn’t matter anymore so :P)
7. Only One Time – Enya
8. Just Like Heaven – Katie Melua
9. Unintended – Muse
10. Break So Easy – Jonathan Rice
11. Glorybox – Portishead
12. World Upon Your Shoulders – SilverChair
13. Eki Rey Rey – Sultans
14. Rey Otheemey (acoustic version)
15. Patience – Guns N Roses (apparently the song was about Axl and his now ex-wife simultaneous orgasm eh naisgeno :P or a failed relationship… I forget which)

I feel cheesy if that makes any sense, today… and so I proudly present (btw, special attn to the version as well)…

The angel’s top twenny tear inducing romantic musical concoctions :

1. Eternal Flame – MYMP ( My favourite… and this version is the least corny one, the most gorgeous one of all)
2. If you’re not the one – Daniel Bedding field (Over played, but lyrics are just like no other)
3. When you say nothing at all – Ronan Keating (Everyone has felt that sometime)
4. Baby Can I Hold You – Tracy Chapman
5. November Rain – Guns N Roses
6. Right Here Waiting For You – Richard Marx
7. Wherever You Will Go – The Calling
8. Blower’s Daughter – Damien Rice
9. Can’t Help Falling In Love – Darren Hayes (Nothing personal with Presley but this version, right time and right moment is just lush…)
10. Heaven (acoustic) – Bryan Adams
11. Hanging By A Moment – Lifehouse
12. She – Elvis Costello
13. We Belong Together – Gavin DeGraw (Bad lyrics, beautiful melody)
14. Chaaley – Trio
15. Almost Here – Delta Goodrem Feat. Brian McFadden
16. From This Moment – Shania Twain
17. Belong Together – Mariah Carey
18. I Wanna Grow Old With You - Westlife
19. Eheelun – Illsite
20. A Whole New World (full orchestral, symphonic version… everyone knows the lyrics anyway)

I have a lil countdown chart till the 8th on my pin board now. How sad is that? Just hope this ain’t gonna be a disappointing summer… I don’t even know what I mean by that! Just… Well life’s sucked for a while. I hope things don’t get fucked again. Easter started out sweet and ended more than bitter. Maybe that’s just the way things are meant to be? Hope not…

Top Break-up/Single Songs (also applies for LD’s)

(You know, I think I may have made similar lists before. Oh heck. I’m bored and exams have churned my brains to mush. To hell with it. Here you go again!)

Warning: Most of these songs aren’t a very good idea if you are trying to be emotionally detached.

1. My Immortal - Evanescence
2. Strange Relationship – Darren Hayes
3. Bad Habit – Destiny’s Child
4. Don’t Cry – Guns N Roses
5. Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper Feat. Pearl Jam
6. Halo – Haley James Scott
7. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
8. I Bruise Easily – Natasha Bedingfield
9. The First Cut Is The Deepest – Rod Stewart
10. I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan
11. Right Here Waiting – Staind
12. Nobody’s Listening - Avril Lavigne
13. Here Without You – 3 Doors Down
14. Wild World – Cat Stevens
15. Till Kingdom Come – Coldplay
16. Leave Right Now – Will Young
17. Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt
18. Breathe – Anne Nalick
19. Aadheys – Unoosha
20. Crazy – Aerosmith

My top quotes from my friends… (Yes, real live people! :P pakaaaaaaaaaas, was browsing through a few chat logs today :S yes, that bored… and homesick too. Tell me if any of you don’t want this here, I’ll remove it ingey…)

‘Sex and love making are completely different. You can be the expert on one and a total virgin to the other.’

‘I just don’t think of her as a girlfriend, seriously… she’s always been a fuck buddy to me’

‘Harry Potter is cool. I am a fan though, not a fanatic’

‘Yeah IRC sucks... hey you’re on! Op me! Pwease…’

‘Balaa eh. Kaey theme song vaan vee Damien Rice ge Woman Like A Man ah. Serious koh.’

‘Heykendey. Thelhey thelhey. Ai jahaa. Ulhan boshi lhoehlaa …..’ (goes on and on and on … )

‘Keey tha vee? Eiee Badi ekey. Ehenveem OK vaaney.’ (à JERK)

‘If you were a girl, I’d marry you’ (Can you not see that I am female? Um… I think it was meant to be sweet so… thanks?!?? :P :P Mashakee hama thui anhen kujjeh!)

‘Also interesting is the fact that your maternal instinct is really surfacing these days ;)

Normally happens when we're pregnant...’

(To which I instantly reply ‘which I most certainly am not’)

‘How does it feel like to have a tall, dark and not-too-handsome guy await with his dick in hand for u?’ (Actually it sucks big time. I just want a nice guy who doesn’t see me as free pussy. Issat too much to ask?)

‘Paint me purple and lick me clean’ (beyond me.)

‘Well things must be pretty exciting over there in the great blue blooded British campus’ (obviously, obviously not. It’s nice but I’m lazy. I don’t fancy clubbing that much anymore…I’m a reformed chick *angelic smile* - couldn’t resist adding… but really I don’t.)

‘You think you’re cool? Well I’m hot. So there.’

I just went downstairs to the kitchen to make me a hot cuppa, and I saw the strangest thing. The Europeans are all sitting by the right TV watching soaps, and all the Asians are sitting by the other Plasma screen watching the World Cup (Italian men are tempting but I just don’t feel like watching the match thus am upstairs if you’re wondering). Strange…

Nerdy, Litty Bullshit

My room mate is working now the exams are over and in though in the beginning I was thinking I should have done the same thing, seeing her dress in her black suit at 6:00 in the morning on what was certain to be a sweltering summer day, being a bum with only one lecture suddenly was a lot more appealing.

Now, if msn would start working, life would be sweet. I can’t afford to hook up on my mobile though.

So what did I do with my boring day? I rediscovered the magic of google search! Now, I’m no stickler for British humour (it’s a bit ‘huh?’) but Giles Coren is pretty funny, and this{http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,10653-2145489,00.html} article is not too bad. This article {http://www.fact.on.ca/newpaper/ti99090e.htm} deals with an interesting topic as well.

Some of the stuff he tackles is rather controversial which again is unusual among the English but highly commendable (at least in my book) in any case. This food critic-turned-novelist won the 13th annual Literary Review Award 2005 presented by The Guardian for Bad Sex in Fiction for describing his character’s penis as "leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath". How bad can he be?

Another contestant whom I am not very familiar with, who was also running for this award, possibly the most dreaded literary prize is John Updike with this amazingly disgusting passage, an extract from Villages in which an adulterous character appraises his lover's vagina: "[it] did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze".

I have never read anything quite as vomit-inducing.

Sex and literature have always had a rather fascinating history though. Goes way back into Medieval times when writers/poets like Chaucer first began introducing ‘fablieux’ which is in other words writing centralising around pretty crude humour and ‘The Miller’s Tale’ is a classic.

The Elizabethan era saw a great flourishing of literature, especially in the ... the high spirited sexual comedy of The Country Wife and Shakespeare’s works.

On the other hand, Victorian Britain is mainly remembered for two things: sexual prudishness and long novels. Not true. It was an age when sexuality was rampant, at least among the higher classes. In fact, nineteenth-century scandals establish the terms for, and supply the history of, the manifest absorption of contemporary Anglo-American culture in sensational stories of sexual exposure i.e. gave birth to the explicit gossip columns of today.

Still oscillating about that point, scandalous ness of an act hinges upon the degree of secrecy requisite to its commission. The Victorian scandals revealing about the imagination of sexual privacy are therefore those that concern the sexual activity construed as most insistently covert; sex between men. Male-male sex is literally unspeakable; sodomy (then identified as sex between men) was defined by English law as the crime not to be named.

While such male sexuality generated public displays of disgust and horror, the Victorian ideology that desexualizes women also provoked numerous scandals. While the wilful effort to deny female sexuality resulted in celebrated adultery, divorce, and illegitimacy cases, ironically it largely precluded lesbian scandals, which were less unspeakable than unthinkable; indeed, the refusal of lawmakers to believe in the possibility of sex between women is supposed to have exempted it from statutory prohibition.

Tsk tsk… what a lame excuse for the ‘ultimate male fantasy’. Obviously, men haven’t evolved too much in this Century.

Still on the whole freedom of discussing sex issue, not surprising is it? The essence of life. The oldest story known, of ‘Adam and Eve’ cannot be repeated without explaining the sexuality behind it. It is actually more surprising how it became ‘taboo’ in the first place, but lets save that for another time.

As mentioned afore whilst discussing the Victorian Period, repressing the idea and practise of sex has pretty bad results. All boils down to the forbidden fruit that allegedly landed us in this hell hole. So why do Maldivians keep going on down that path, when it is obviously doing no good? No use complaining about the pregnancies if you’re still too embarrassed to discuss the sex that happened first.

Idiots.

Today, the age of ‘erotica literature’ where even sadomasochism is widely celebrated, I have no idea how parents imagine (despite having internet at their disposal, MTV flashing sexual messages constantly and Cosmo mags anywhere/everywhere) that they can get away with being ignorant. Not just in discussing sex I mean. So their forefathers were lucky. This is another world, deal with it!

Pisses me off when they keep paving the way to disaster.

Digestive biscuits are my undoing....

I dip a cookie in my chocolate spread and munch away as I type on… Guilt fills me up inside… I take a fleeting glance and my protruding tummy… and glance away… crunches, I can always do crunches…

Only I can’t… I won’t bother… because I have noticed that guilt is becoming an increasingly useless emotion… ineffective, inefficient and a waste of my time. Too much of anything is good for nothing right? Maybe that is the case.

I still blame myself for a lot of things. I mean, I can talk you into believing I’m whole, full and strong… independent, fulfilled… mature and understanding. But I’m not. I’ve got millions of inner demons inside me I need to exorcise.

Still the guilt is a heavy burden to bear…so I have my little comfort sins… like consuming vast quantities of sugar!

I came to my uncle’s in hope of experiencing free internet *big, big grin* but *sniffles* he has removed the damned modem. Ah well, tis for the best in one way… but I really hope he digs up the treasures for the weekend… I mean, seriously… exams over – I want to talk to the people I love the most and scream as loud as I can!

SSSSKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Great invention that.

So, I hear Rockstorm wowed the house. Exposure B&W soon too… Fucking unfair. By the time I set my paws back home, everyone’s too fatigued or flushed out of cash for any cool event. *Sigh*…cool that Maldivians are finally getting entertainment other than TVM, FM radio and for men… the football fields.

I feel sorry for girls at home… I mean, it’s not normal for the girls to all gather and go play some footy in the evening… and they aren’t able to go on excursions the way men do… CBC is in a way, off limits… not everyone likes DJ’s and dancing (not to mention the excess reputation baggage that comes along with shaking your booty a bit)… in fact… their only entertainment lies in ‘byting’ ie. dating or simpler – MEN. In the form of dinner and coffee… sigh… abadhaku moodhakah ves majaa kuraakah nudheveyne ‘kalhuvaane’… dhen heena fai alhaigen geyga thithi vaan inaanee… eves biteh setu veytho :P

So don’t complain that they are sluts and bimbos. They have little choice… explains why Aminiya scores better all the time, but it might not be very healthy still, I think!

Who knows, I might not even be coming back. I’ll save worry for later. I got family to hug when I go home!!

I just watched an episode of ‘Trisha’ which is effectively the british version of Oprah… people come on national television to discuss their most intimate problems… attention seeking loosers snatch 15 minutes of fame, I keep thinking. I really do not see how a genuinely disturbed pained person, could come up and reveal on camera what he or she couldn’t sort out in the privacy of their homes. ‘I am a drug addict, I need help’ you and a million other people. You could create awareness without giving someone a brand new car and lifestyle and televise the entire procedure. Sheesh it’s all part of the new celebrity culture I assume.

Interesting though, how today just about anyone can be a celeb… the new millenniums ultimate marketing strategy… the lifestyle of the rich and famous is now ‘affordable’ for anyone who is prepared to invest into it. I wonder though, whether this ostentatious product would soon be loosing its appeal, in fact it may even transform status into a normal good… what on earth would be celebrity status then?

While we are still discussing ‘Trisha’, I was wondering how the hell someone would want to get on TV and talk about how their husband is cheating on them, much less have a bitch-fest with him/his lover (male or female!)…I mean, for me… the humiliation would be too much and I would rather not talk about it. Then again, I am a perfectionist, and I do not bear well with failure…

Seriously though… to walk into ‘your bedroom’’ only to see the person you consider the ‘love of your life’ (cliché as it sounds, you are bound to this person) having sex (the act of love?) with someone else (maybe even someone you know and trust)… the lies, the betrayal, the rejection, the humiliation… what a list!! I mean…. I have no idea how I would deal with that. Even if you had discovered an affair, not caught them red-handed or something… how about a full on confession ‘ I had sex with someone else’ or ‘I’m in love with someone else’… it would be something if you had seen it coming but often these things happen because in fact you are not paying enough attention, right?

Maybe. Sometimes there is no one to blame right? I had an aunt of mine tell me and I quote, ‘the real romance of a marriage is in the affair’. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. Maybe hoping for a happy marriage, where the man I am in love with actually is my husband, in this day and age… is a naïve desire. Heck, I don’t know…

So why do so many marriages still fail? People don’t get married as early anymore. A lax in what society condemns from us, means some people don’t even feel the need to wed anymore. But from those who do, and they often have families… a high percentage still separate or divorce.

Is it the stress of working and managing lifestyle, for both partners? Is it simply too hard to resist the many temptations that are so easily accessible nowadays, after life at home becomes too routine? Then again, marriage is a sacrifice right… to some extent? Spoiling the kids, takes too much of a toll on the parents? Well, I’m not sociologist… Maybe women are simply too liberal these days and refuse to put up with anything masculine (how unfair, seeing as to women still expect men to submit to all their needs!)

Aah… society!

The Dhivehi cool kit – large branded sunnies, jeans, BG teeshirt, highlighted and preferably rebounded hair (if you are female that is, if you are male then let it grow long and invest in mountains of mousse and gel), pierce nose/eyebrows/ears, only wear silver or black jewelry… not that I do not conform to this norm (gotta blend in with the crowd – PAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS) I just find it slightly amusing how everyone tries to dress the same and still are like I’m ‘goth’ or ‘punk’ or whatever. Those are beliefs… cults if you like… and you don’t just claim to be because it sounds cool… I mean, personally I don’t have any ‘favs’ at all… I’m multi genre ;) and cultural… but then again, one of my closest friends claims to be really ‘goth and death metal’ (metal vefa??? I have a weird urge to ask whether she means aluminium or what) yet dresses in this rock meets pop kinda fashion. Oh well. To each his own?

Definitely listen Mas Que Nada… nice song!

BRAZILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL is gonna win again :D crossing fingers, toes and unmentionables *chuckles* should wear the feather thingamajig that those Brazilian dancers wear and jump about a bit I think… that would be fun…Ah, World Cup 2006… I had a friend who was trying to download the ‘vagu’ copy of world cup apparently (blonde!!! – as an expression, nothing against the hair colour) *rofl* what a classic. Damn I wish I could go (I could with a friend, just that I’d rather go home to Male’ though, as stupid as it sounds and I bet I’ll regret it at some point but who cares), at least I’ll be cheering the finals with Dad. Something to look forward to… remind me of good ol’ times.

Ah fuck… just saw my reflection. I am going on a diet as soon as the exam is over. This lethargic attitude isn’t going to get me anywhere… (or anyone *wink*). Ima starve! *smile*

Apke-apke-apkeeee

Lots of people, in fact everyone… has bad days. But I, I have horrible, disastrous, chaotic, crazy sequences of events.

Like yesterday… end of my hols was depressing enough to deal with along with the exams I had to look forward to failing, but no… I was upset with one beybe for not acknowledging my existence and the other for discussing what I had confided to him with every one he meets, worrying over another person’s um… situation, deadline for tons of work happens to be Monday, conversation with a friend about my ex which I should not have had, parental row, accidentally deleted some 300 files, fight with a someone close to me to do with misinterpretation and resultant confusion over a damned chat room, my room in campus was a disgusting mess thanks to ‘someone’, kitchen got locked and we starved, net shut down, I slipped and hurt me hip which activated an old injury, and I couldn’t sleep till 3:00 in the morning.

Naturally, room mate found my frustrations hilarious. Great, at least someone is happy.

That being said… not such a bad day. Revising politics I realised I already knew how to make a sound argument as to why Tony Blair is an arse… I’m fine ehenveema…just the aftershocks of yesterday that is still bugging me… you know, I mean hip is fine and shit like that, family has chilled – for now, works done, just stuff like… whether a certain fight has changed anything… why I feel so stupid about hoping about things I shouldn’t probably think about… wondering why I am so gutless… how can life be so turbulent? One minute you think you’ve grasped what’s going on… the next you have no idea what reality is…

Haha… nothing new as you can see.

My mom thinks I have bad choice in men. I think she might be right. Nice guys are around… but I dunno, I guess if I don’t feel it I can be pretty cold in return… no matter how nice they are. Being warm and friendly in those situations only made things worse anyway… I don’t know.

You think there is any such thing as a selfish thought or act? Does altruism exist? Logically, if the reason why we do good is for the ‘good’ feeling it causes, maybe kindness itself is a selfish act. Do we help others because it benefits us in some form? I guess the only plausible argument for that would be the concept of maternal affection. Why a mother would sacrifice her love might be explained via the theory of evolution and progress… but it does contradict the survival theory. Hm… Interestingly I got to thinking about this after watching a Desperate Housewives episode... the rich man’s wife who is having the affair with the teen kid, whatever her name is – some Gabrielle or something….she makes even charity seem shallow…

ARGH…friends called ‘Rockstorm’ ivvan. Fucked up L oooh it’s 6.6.6. Male’ time. What’s the big deal anyway? I got fucking exams. I don’t see anything special.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Its... It's... It's.. ME!

I want to fly...
I want to soar...
"One thing is clear, I wear a halo, I wear a halo when you look at me... but standing from here... you wouldn't say so, you wouldn't say so if you were me.. and I just wanna love and I just wanna love you... "

He left me because...
I wasn't ready to give him everything I was
He left me because...
She offered more than I could have given him
That was the last stroke...
Maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway
It was falling into pieces everyday
Looking back, my eyes fill with regret...
Not about what could have been
Lost every trace of innocence I had inside...
In circumstances I wish I could forget
Haunts me day and night, burning deep inside
Today, I learn...the reasons left untold
Stories I wish I never knew...
Ignorance is bliss I am convinced
The little girl inside opens her eyes
A tear for her naivety...
Another for her blind love...

She's moved on from her past
The little girls gone...
From her ashes this woman emerges
She's stronger...
But still incomplete...
Waiting... for something or someone
To wipe the last of her memories away
Reignite life, with the promise of the new...

And I am a crappy poet.
Atleast I tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

*Me spreads my wings and flies awayyyyyyyyyyyy*

“The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce”

My bestfriends parents just got divorced. Most of my friends have fucked up families. I used to think it was because I am (what I like to call) a divorced kid and therefore I tune better with them... I guess it's just society dho, raaje isnt up there in the world records for nothing...
It was so long ago, but I still remember the pain of seeing the two people I love most fighting and utterly failing to achieve anything.
“Mom hates dad, Dad hates mom, it all makes you feel so sad.” Kurt Cobain puts it simply but rings true.
Well, it didn't take me long to conclude they both have lives and if they din't want to live together they didn't have to. They have the right to fall in love with someone else and it's a relationship dho, someone's gonna get hurt, but anehhen how can you blame one person for a failed relationship?
Not everyone depends on such a simple ideology, I guess that why I was useless at making her(best friend) feel better :( it helped my 'brother' (loabin called sonofa) at the time apparently... then again, he's not too bad at dealing with life anyway...
Breaks my heart when kids blame themselves, retreat into their shells... I've seen it among the students I've worked with too often... music is a preferred release of energy but the industry obviously notorious for drug usage links... and the parents are often too caught up in their own battles to notice... with adolescent kids, this is absolutely disastrous... They have no one to turn to when they need guidance the most... I relied on my friends (bad idea to an extent) and my dearest English teacher *hugs* who is still a really good friend of mine...
The worst bit is having to chose between your mom and your dad though. Remarriage is another ordeal, having to accept someone new into your life isn't as easy as it sounds. It means trusting them with everything that defines you, but trust that is just based on one singular person's judgement. Come on, none of us trust our parents to make the right decision all the time.
Sigh... why can't they try to work it out though... and why do they have to dump their frustrations via kids... they didn't ask for any of this...
My friend asked me online the other day what I would do if my relationship doesn't work and I have a kid... divorce ASAP or wait for the kids sake. I'd say... work it out but if he is determined to hurt me then I'll just abide by unhappy mommy unhappy baby rule. Of course priority is kid and working it out clean. Dhen balaa eh ehen veema ingeynee...
So look at this lil MSN quote my friend...
{CENSORED} says:
Dont giv me sum guys name and tell me days later tht we hav this prob and tht prob and it really aint gna work..
That's how relationships go though. They either work or they don't. They struggle... true... but that's another story. Maybe I'm wrong maybe this'll change but a marriage is pretty much the same in my view. A lot more commitment. But essentially, the same...
Hmph I could now go on about living together and marriage and the difference and shit like that but I'm tired and this is boring. :)

Amaa! - naai... (ehehe...)

Spring fever has struck I. Or rather, everyone else I know. Ahem... for once, I become the innocent by stander of this situation when all my friends fall in love, get engaged but most scarily - get married.
As me and my other half were discussing last night, we are virtually the only ones left single... awww... well...

Strangely I have been finding out I have no particular desire to get hitched or coupled up... if 'he' comes around knocking on my door then yea, I guess maybe but then ehen noonee yaa.. *yawn yawn*
I was looking through picks and Nash with her 'new' baby just caught my eye... it's an incredibly maternal, adorable pic... I'd love to upload it but yeah... I do not think she'd like that very much...



Heheh... back to the point, it go me thinking that being immune to the 'mating' season didn't really leave me unresponsive to the maternal buzz... I wish I could go down to the supermarket and get a lil baby to fondle over! Yeah... pour all my love into and all :D ... pregnancy must be special... my friends are terrified of giving birth and *gasp gasp* putting on weight and stretchmarks and what not... screaming teenagers in a few years but I bet its all worth it in the end :D

I heard a kid complaining about his mom and wen tas far as to say 'aharen mihaaru eyna dheke loaibeh ves nuvey elha balaa bodu kamun', while I know that would be just a passion of the moment thing, and I do understand how unbearable over protective parents are... evaguthu I couldn't help but feel how damned upset his mom would feel to hear those words... no matter what, that little sentence would really, really burn.

This maternal streak which has been growing stronger and stronger, made my relationships with my mom(s) stronger... normal you would think as one grows older? But my freinds don't seem to be developing any hints of this (well yeah a few but they tend to be the more mature than their age anyway or different generally type)maybe it's the new generation thing but girls seem to be deviating further and further away from anything that associates with the domestic realities, or traditional life style...

So the new social trend is jetsetting women with high profile careers... doesn't have to be everyone's reality though? That would lead to a major crisis....heheh maybe you could call it the de-sexual women's revolution...sheesh!

About the balance again..

:)
I spent a gorgeous weekend in Cardiff... and it's a pretty place... Must've been nice being princess of Wales... heheh ... damn, no royalty but I had a well deserved break with some chweet chweet friends :)
Relax + Chilling = Chillaxing... yeah thats the word for it :D
Aww... too bad its over I miss 'em already!
That's the coolest part of living baroad and away from family, you can travel away anywhere virtually to take a break from life as you know, Male' ga thaashi vefa boagovaafa hunaanee thaa...
Back to the books...
ECON up and Politics too... balaa eh sahaadheh...

Get a grip!

Psst anonymous commentor : have you got nothing better to do?

Read an article by this Maldivian ‘sorry excuse for a human being’ whose name I don’t wanna mention and I’d rather not know about youth today, ahem… I could link you there but yeah…I’d rather just rant.

I’m sick of not being taken seriously either because I’m young or I’m female or simply because of my background. People just stereotype you all the time.

People make too many excuses for the youth today. You treat young people like kids and you expect them to act like adults? No fucking way is that happening. So when shoved into a crime-ridden world how can you be surprised that everyone screws up?

I’m sick of being judged by people who act like they know everything. Get a life. Can’t you get it? It’s not the judgement itself, it’s that I don’t fucking care in the first place.

Kids of today aren’t mature-minded oa.

Get back to me after you’ve dealt with rape, molestation attempts by teachers who are supposed to set examples, after you’ve lost a friend/bf/sibling/whatever to drugs or just lost a friend at all, after you’ve had your parents split up and remarried and attempt to commit suicide all at once, men with sweet words who used you and threw you away and you had no one to warn you, after you’ve had friends to bleed you of any wealth you might possess, after you’ve given up that anyone would care for you if not for your money or pussy… and you’re growing up in a place where drugs flow like water and half of your friends depend on it to remain sane, where you are judged because of the way you talk, walk, the clothes you wear and the people you talk to. Judged so severly… and punished for sins you never commited. And that’s one singular human.

Then you have the general outflow of kids dealing with a whole load of problems from junkie parents to horny step parents that market hot pussy /dick etc (ie. you - the kid) … pretty picture everything paint dunnit?

Let me know then, yeah, if you still think today’s kids are screwed up. And make sure you get the blame right then.

Worrying isn’t it that this idiotic bunch make up roughly 75% of our population. I’d say.

Exams have begun and as you can see the stress is really getting to me. Sigh…

I hate today

I hate today coz I have ENGLISH LIT exam tomorrow.
I hate today coz I have a fever and a bad cold.
I hate today coz I'm scared of Econ.
I hate today coz someone reminded me of HIM.
I hate today coz I want to hug my Mom and I can't even call her.
I hate today coz I realised that I'm still me. That reality will 4eva haunt me.
Life's a bitch.

Hey Anonymous...

Hey Anonymous…

I could’ve just written a comment back but I’ve been thinking about this today so here are a few words to you…

Why do I write in this stupid blog that about 5 people read (or less?)

Well originally it wasn’t meant for any one to read…

I write because it is one of the very few things in life I have a passion for…

You see, I am one of those people who is for lack of better phrasing, socially handicapped… I cannot express my feelings… I cannot show emotions physically or verbally… it has to be in writing… in music… in art…

I can’t draw to save my life… and music can be vague… not to mention I’d rather not be responsible for broken guitars, slashed drums and the complaints from next door…

So I write…

I write because I am the sort of person who cannot tell someone how much I care about them… I can’t even tell a guy I like him, much less that I am in love with him and over the years I have lost so much over this ‘deformity’.

Maybe I’m being dramatic, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion but I cannot even tell my own mother when I am hurting…

Rather than throw tantrums, act moody and drive everyone around me insane I’d rather write my fears, so I can view them… feel detached from them… look at them and imagine it’s someone else ranting, and perhaps find some sort of peace.

Occasionally I invite some friends to this blog. Because I have something I need to express to them… because I desperately need them to understand why I am me… and recently, on a whim to see what happens when I welcome a stranger into my world…

We all have a paranoia about acceptance… it’s human nature… I guess you could say this is my escape from it… or my pleading against it… for it… depends on your perspective…


Why is it online? Because I keep loosing diaries and journals and well google the benefits of blogging…really not interesting in explaining this. Loads of other people blog too. Maybe my blog is more personal? I don’t know why you’re messing with the concept of ‘me’ doing this online.

And about who I wrote to… he knows who he is… and he will let me know his feelings on the matter…

I couldn’t say you are wrong if you said, it was a self-centred bitch complaining about all the insignificant details of her life. That’s your prerogative… and you are entitled to your own opinion.

By the way, I am not welcoming you or any one else to express such a demeaning opinion on my own blog. Thanks very much…


My current expression -

I've come to think...

Have you ever watched ‘Taken’? It’s a surprisingly intense series by Steven Spielberg and features a particularly fascinating character of a little girl ‘Allie Keys’ who narrates the story…

So it’s highly melodramatic, and a bit cliché and the whole world being obsessed with Roswell 1945 is getting way too old, but certain philosophies expressed are pretty thought provoking and these are some that just stick to mind. I meant to mention one or two in yesterdays rampage against men, but sadly my net was fucked and I didn’t want to paraphrase….

About the whole concept of hope as a driving force in relation to finding love….

“People talk a lot as if the most important thing in life is to always see things for what they really are. But everything we do, every plan we make, is kind of a lie. We're closing our eyes and pretending that the day won't ever come when we won't need to make any more plans. Hope is the biggest lie there is, and it is the best. We have to keep going as if it all mattered, or else we wouldn't keep going at all.”

The next is for a friend of mine who’s having a lot of trouble putting the past behind him. We all have to move on some time, and it’s not always easy to find the motivation to make a change. Been there… maybe not quite as intensely as he is feeling the pressure, but nevertheless I have had more than a glimpse into the thought-process that can evoke.

“Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be.”

Also,

“When everything in your life is right on track, it's easy to believe that things happen for a reason; it's easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong then it's very hard to hold on to that faith. It's hard not to wonder whose reasons these things happen for”

Which is why we ought to have a back up plan! In fact that plan doesn’t have to be of grand proportions. Sometimes it’s just about changing perspectives… deliberately ignoring certain objectives… I know it sounds pretty backward and narrow minded but sometimes you need to look to your roots and forget your own slightly controversial beliefs simply because it is selfish to continue to dream if it is hurting those who have sacrificed everything for you.

It sounds contrived but…. It’s either that or develop the poetic stance and be the man who sits in a corner thinking up philosophies and wasting away life. It might be your life but there is something seriously wrong with you if you can live with the guilt of causing so much pain to those who spend their lives dreaming for you. Maybe they ought to pursue their own hopes… but maybe you are the only vessel through which they can live their dreams. Maybe that isn’t very fair… but sometimes it’s okay to shift channels and think that perhaps that is the very least you can do for them after everything you have put them through… or life has put them through. Empathy is not such a bad thing. Life long rebellion is not necessary to finding your own identity.

“People say that when we grow up, we kick at everything we've been told, we rebel against the world our parents worked so hard to bring us into, that part of growing of is kicking at the ties that bind. But I don't think that's why we kick at all. I think we kick when we find out that our parents don't know much more about the world than we do. They don't have all the answers. We rebel when we find out that they've been lying to us all along, that there isn't any Santa Claus at all.”

Karuka'khaa'laa

Arabian culture is fascinating..

‘The Kiss’ is a short story set in Morroco… gorgeous descriptions…

We’re all familiar with ‘A Thousand And One Nights’ and ‘Aladdin’, ‘Ali Baba’…

Extravagant royalty, harems full of exotic women, glittering treasures, the finest wine and dine… the stories are full of the beauty…

Not much survives today… but Shishas are gorgeous…
And I’m doing belly dancing classes again…

Hehehe…

Oh and the music is nice as well. The most famous dance music is classified into a genre they call ‘Rai’ and one of the most well known artists is Khalid… the guy who sang the famous song ‘Aicha’ better known for it’s more recent cover version by Outlandish.

Fascinates me…

Check out this buruga…
I bet Dhivehi guys would like to see that a hell lot more…

And Arab guys are hot… not to mention rich… sigh… now where is my Saudi Prince again???? Lol…

Read Disclaimer Carefully Before Continuing!

Warning. Contains explicit content. Read at your own risk.

I’m serious, don’t read it unless you are sure you will be okay, because I just finished my Economics exam and have decided that my tension release will be highly controversial and perhaps a little outrageous, even for me.

Sigh… reason behind yesterday’s hysteria (I actually later progressed to hiy biru gathun and freaking out and dialing various loved ones and scaring the shit out of them :D ) turned out to be PMS. I know you didn’t have to know that: P but hey… Damn! This is when I wish I were a man.

Song playing in my media player right now – ‘Laid’ by James

Today, rainy and depressing as it was, brought out the librarian/nerd/bookworm side of me and curling up under my snug duvet with a cuppa steaming hot tea (I am in England) and chocolate rollies I made for my self (nope, nope rollies as in bits of bread with spread, folhi eh hen olhaafa!) I chose to read a Black Lace novel, given to me by a friend who was given the book by a woman who is an aunt-like figure to both of us.

So what?

Let me explain. It’s a series of books that contain short-stories, published by Virgin Books (ironically) classic under the genre that is known as erotic literature.

Bit of bondage… pretty nasty and twisted at times… different take from my usual um… well actually I don’t really read anymore unless it’s for lit class… Oh yeah… miles away from John Grisham. Might be interesting for anyone to take a little detour to…

So why did I end up reading this? Hama just was lying there and I had just done Econ STRESSFUL exams so I figured, why not? Just goes to prove that Dhivehi women are just especially promiscuous, and if the rumours are right about Raaje being founded by prostitutes, I’m not too surprised. Seriously, the average Dhivehi woman seems to think about sex a lot more, they live for Mills N Boons and the like, Aminiyans reveal similar thoughts in poor displays of graffiti on the walls… and well plenty more.

Is it the whole jailed bird and resultant built up sexual tension? I doubt it! Women have been pretty liberated in this sense for a long time now. Girls used to wed earlier as well right? Although I’ve heard the tragedies of young sweeties being sold of to rich men, I have heard as many about wantons (personally I prefer the description free and spirited) running away… like Dhon Hiyala.

Isn’t it a 21st Century thing? No way, get your history sorted out. The infamous Rannamaari story, (which roots us to the very origin of culture as we claim it today and also apparently is the connection to the heart of Maldivian lifestyle i.e. Islamic belief) is also a perverse and disturbing tale of ‘someone’ or ‘something’ raping and murdering dozens of young girls. (And to the educated, sophisticated mind of today that would roughly translate to - a perverted freak with a fetish for virgins)

Oooh oooh, Bond Girl and recent star in Pride and Prejudice, Rosamund Pike studied at this fucked up school as well! Who knows… maybe this year will produce another Bond chick *hint hint, wink wink*

Back to my searching (hee hee) and deep questions. Is it genetics? I’d really like to know but science is not my forte, and quite frankly I do not have the patience for it anyway, but if anyone has any thoughts there, I’m interested to know more. Anyway I’m just saying that I don’t know whether it is lack of activity and entertainment but I’ve certainly come to note that Dhivehi anhenun are not only ‘farivefa chaaley’ but highly promiscuous and liberated women. Pity it is primarily in the one sense, they should channel energies into manipulation within fields like politics rather than just the seduction. Am I part of this league of horny women? Paka paka pakaaaaaaas Wouldn’t you like to know? *rofl* :P Nah, we’ll skip that one.

Dinner table conversation today was interesting as well. Economic Markets… now before you doze off at that, it was the male market we focused upon (male audiences may resume dozing ;) ahem…unless you’re inclined this way). Well, summed up it was gaigandakah just this - obviously, demand is excessively high, and supply of new products is less when compared to existing stock, therefore a shortage can be expected to occur. Shortage leads to increased consumption of second hand men.

Men are originally classed as a merit good because it provides satisfaction on various levels and happiness etc, however there are a certain category of men defined as assholes and bastards which are in fact de merit goods as they do nothing but damage and cause severe heartache. In the event of a shortage in the economy, consumption in this area increased rapidly, creating absolute disaster.

Just satisfying the feminist inside me. Grin, grin. I think Oscar Wilde was a feminist… :D and all great men of English Literature are gay. Wilde’s got a fantastic quote which he delivers in ‘A Woman Of No Importance’ via the character Lady Allonby (who is a fakka badi eh) which is … Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

True na? Sigh… I am such a geek o_0 !!

I wish I had a heart like ‘that guy I had a fling with recently in Male’, simply forget the liaison the next morning… Never hurt, never want for something more meaningful. Life would be a lot less complicated, a lot less unhappy.

I guess it’s a choice we make to give up that perspective, maybe because we realise we will never be whole and utterly satisfied unless we believe, unless we have some sort of hope that someday we will achieve happiness greater than whatever we have in our lives at the moment. The reason to go on? Hm..?

When you’re in your early teens and I’ve gone on about this forever but you know… I just think that what we feel is an illusion fuelled by lots of expectations and dreams fed to us through Bollywood, Hollywood etc, other love-struck kids and that sort of thing… maybe the entire thing is a farce… lol… because whatever it is, we see a glimpse of it in the beginning of every relationship but it just seems to fade away, or we venture into relationships in hopes of finding it, but everything crumbles away when we realise it is not possible.

Or maybe as years go by we fool ourselves into re-establishing the feeling we felt as kids… when we are secure enough and the insecurities that have built over the years reach a point that they don’t really matter anymore… then we lull ourselves into a sort of belief?

Kinda heartbreaking to think that there is nothing to look forward to though. How can such a centuries-old dream be based on mere imagination?

Psst! Brief fantasy … glass room on a lil finolhu in the middle of nowhere, silk sheets, the nights dark but there are a million stars in the sky, mind-blowing sex till sunrise…involving chocolate variations… and the most wonderful guy. Yes I am a romantic and I did say brief! Disappointing eh? Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Secure In My Insecurity

“How to get an A in Economics” titles my new pile of notes. Amyaai… keey vaanee “How to achieve self contentment and happiness in your life” ey kiyas…far more relevant to me in the long term and both are proven impossible!

I feel so alone these days, heck even my horoscope for “May” was like, ‘Midmonth, worrywart Pluto makes you paranoid that your guy’s loosing interest in you or that you’ll never find a boy-friend. Realising that it’s all in your head quickly revives both your strong self-image and optimism’. Keekay bunaanee… Not that I let Cosmo rule my life, but I have a friend who is really into astrology so I just checked… and I thought, magey blog kiyaa meehakah ingeyney how true the first bit is!

Hama mi planet thah kess kamunney – not my incompetence ;) *rofl*

OTOH, I think I just miss family and love like that. Life in the ‘survival of the fittest’ mode can really suck after a while. The new trend wave of all these spinsters in Male’ finally hitching up (not intended as offence at all ingey) splashing around, is just making things feel more pathetic here.

I think I’d have been happier born a few decades earlier. When there was less pressure to do things that you personally perceived as ethically wrong, I could get away with not doing my Al’s and just getting me a lil baby (I shall not mention the ‘m’ word) instead. I could stay at home happy as can be looking after my family and the pressures of a career wouldn’t even cross my mind. I know society wasn’t perfect then either but I probably would have avoided doing a lot of the things I regret today.

Yes, underneath the projected exterior image of the pot smoking hardened chick, as black inside as outside (pakaas, hamuge vahaka eh noon engijje!), swears too much, and a history with the opposite sex that makes Hitler a gentleman with Jews, - I would much rather sit at home with a kid on my lap. I hate my life right now.

But sometimes we take paths from which we can never totally deviate from, because now that is the only place where we can belong, and will be accepted, after all human beings are social creatures that need to interact with other people for the basic necessities in life; for survival. These interactions can change gradually, but some constant familiarity with the circumstances that surround us bolsters our sub-conscious sense of safety. Our identity is inextricably linked with those we interact with… we become them… goes back to when the world was divided into tribes.

I know I joke around (prolly too much) about me being a tom boy (not in the homo sense of course) but the thing is, no matter what they say about the company I keep, I can’t go away. I mean I can avoid being used in any form or sense if I’m careful but I can’t just move away and expect to be accepted by any one else. My dilemma with men of course, is that some how these social interactions (i.e. I hang around with the male crowds) in their view affects my piety (kekeke) and thus I am never good enough other than say as a friend, or a temporary satisfaction.

I am grumpy these days dho, life just sucks in a lot of ways… this is me unloading via some crappy excuses. I hate my life right now.

Oooh… thought of the day:

Sexual love is a troubled and problematic relationship in cultures where there is a strong sense of man's separation from nature, especially when the realm of nature is felt to be inferior or contaminated with evil. (Alan Watts, Nature, Man, and Woman)

NO NO List

IMPORTANT : I don't like anorexia and anorexics... food is meant to be consumed. I am happy with me and my fattiness now... I feel human and like a real woman. So get lost if you wana kill yourself starving. It aint worth it. AND F.Y.I darling (you know who you are) chocolate is beautiful.
Men like to feel... right? Guys? Help me save a soul here... I refuse to lose another friend to this I hate food and I shan't eat trend. (Not gonna name it even.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND I don't like people I just met calling me 'honey' and 'sweetypie' or shish kebab or whatever. Fuck No. It's cheesy and boring and damn freaking me out...
Another thing - I miss doing the boogie woogie... You put your right hand out you put your right hand in... you put your right hand in and shake it all about... you do the boogie woogie and you turn your self around... that's what it's all about... AAaahhh... :D
Pakaas ey dhen buneveyne...

Mumsy

Of all the rights of women the greatest is to be a mother!
Charlotte Gray: Famous Quotes on MotherBecoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate.
I think its the maternal gene in there... don't need to give birth for that to be active.
When a baby is born, a mother is born.
True...
I don't want a man. I want a baby! Sigh...
Aristotle: Famous Quotes on MotherMothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. (Pakaas... and their love is unconditional - kids to Moms... I know Oscar Wilde thinks that 'children...judge them' but seriously... better than any romance egothah balanyaa... makes you whole I think!)
Luv u Mom and DhonMom (Oprah Winfrey: Quotes About MotherBiology is the least of what makes someone a mother)... Naf Naf, GodMom too... Happy Mother's Day to you.. and all those deserving Mom's out there. Saabahey thikuraa hivvarah!

Miadhuge Mas Huni

All the Google controversy aside (Gasp! They’re brain washing us – and who isn’t, they are taking over the world! See, Gulhabo is the least of our worries!) *ahem* fears aside, seriously I don’t harbour much affecion (see, I’m like going backward to the medieval times now, grr… lit is a killer – I don’t see why we can’t get a bloody laptop for each candidate instead of writing the examination with a paper and ending up with really painful hands… ergonomics!) for the site. (Man, when I deviate I really wander dho… heheh. Have italicised bullshit fasey kohdheyn kamah) I mean useful for sure, but not the only road to walk on, path to follow, idol to worship (again, Gulhabo huttaa)… you get my point?
BUT every m-fucker is a hypocrite… don’t shoot me … yet, (stop fighting it, be part of it! BTW related quote by Rasmus ‘In The Shadows’: They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe. But I, I rather kill myself then turn into their slave… nice na?) I was hell-bored and surfing and had a sudden inspiration to make a world clock that I can just look at and be comforted… (as in Male’ mihaaru miheney eheney… kokko mihaaru nidhaafaaney… pathetic I know but still) so anyway, I did that and then I spied with my own little eyes, an ickle note saying “Internet time: @450 .beats” or something of the sort… ignited my curiosity (who gives a shit what happened to that stupid cat… kinda like the chicken crossing the road…) yeah, check this link. http://www.timeanddate.com/time/internettime.html - pointless but yeah... There are so many bored people in the world I gotta say…
Iyye me savoured international fenvaruge bitching about men… fascinating philosophies uncovered. Real deep :P check this out…
English: If he doesn’t leave his gf for you immediately, he never will. Get over it.
Japanese: I wanna guy who can cook and clean, y’know do the laundry and the dishes… being monetarily stable doesn’t hurt either. (Hm…I wanna move to Japan!)
Bangladesh: I love my guy. He loves me. I know that. So he’s seen around with this girl and I’m here in UK. I trust him…but I dunno…I won’t be bothered by it. I know if it’s not him I’ll never love again. Oh fuck… I gotta call him now!
German: Personally I don’t know what the fuss is about one night stands. I’ve fucked guys and not called them the next day, acted like strangers. It’s just a fuck. Move on. Get a life.
Thai: I want a really stupid guy. (Pakaas…not too hard!)
Russian: I will kill a guy who cheats on me.
Chinese: I have better things than men to think about // I need to revise for studies. (The secret to booming Chinese economy etc – you go girl!)
Dhivehi: Guys… I really can’t be arsed… *turns around and dials some guys number* (Wink!)
Yup little intercontinental love bureaucracy we got going… lol I really cannot be a diplomat dho… ey, this is really what they said… no stereotyping no one. Sigh… I guess I ain’t cut out for UN eh… pity… hoon dhen!
AAAAA am outta campus… finally! But got tons to do so… adios…
THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Homework is like boyfriends… you really can’t do them on demand…
Quote is too stupid to be anyone’s but mine

Galhimark...

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long.
You know it's just your foolish pride.

Layla, you've got me on my knees.
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

Mashah libey furathama girl akah ma kiyaanee Layla… out of love for this song… think that’s craxy? I’ve met kids named after coffee brands… :P

Yeah well, maybe pride should have nothing to do with love, in my experience it really fucks things up. Sigh… we are talking about of course, my egoistic pride.

I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down.
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.

Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

Falling in love is arguably, always foolish. But that’s just bitter ol me speaking. Ask one of those lovey dovey, gooey mushy couples and you might get a different response but hey, each to his own.

What kind of man asks a woman to ease his mind anyway? E.C. needs serious councelling... hasn’t he learnt that the opposite sex can only complicate matters… sigh…

Don't... don't you wish we tried?
Do you feel what I feel inside?
You know our love is stronger than pride... oh
No don't... don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
Please talk to me, don't close the door

Shania Twain is seriously stupid too, the whole problem is that they won’t listen to you. What’s the point? Just turn around and walk away…Don’t act desperate. Counter argument: Why not fight what you want so much? Jeez… my split personality disorder is getting annoying… :P

Let me introduce y’all to a beautiful, beautiful song. Peter Gabriel – I Grieve. Some may recognise it from Smallville’s famous episode where Jonathan Kent dies…

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There’s nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It’s just the way that you would tied in
Now there’s no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
‘so hard to move on
Still loving what’s gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it’s empty empty cage
And I can’t handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what’s gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone that’s out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It’s just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

Ooh… it’s raining outside you know, not really cold though… nice weather I think… Rather beautiful…

Lame excuse for a blog entry but today aint a very good day ASIDE from me feeling that Ima gonna fail ma fockin Economics exam and consequently ruining my future prospects thus shaming and disappointing my family as well as driving them up their necks in debt and bankruptcy
THERE’S ALSO THE FACT that I received mail from my ex… (the most recent) saying that:

Seriously, and this after he had actually emailed me saying he wants closure that our on and off thingy was over, an email which he sent to loads of people including my long term intimate ex whom I loved for a long time even after it was over and who is the only guy I’ve ever dated friendship ves fanivefa oiy, apparently by ‘mistake’…really felt like asking him to fuck himself. His sis and mom talked to me about how his behaviour and all are really worrying him and I felt guilty saying nothing knowing from a woman’s point of view how it would hurt them, and that’s why I contacted him after so long, not to open doors to the past! Men are so full of themselves.

I just want to meet a single guy who would be

(a) honest, what he messes up is another issue but if he can be truthful about it it’s fine…
(b) respect and care for me as I do for him.
(c) accept me for who I am, I don’t question him either.
(d) not take me for granted, I do not exist to gratify his whims…
(dhen anehhen majaa, funny, tune vaa…)

Now I know that looks scarily like an MCQ question but it is so hard, honestly… at least for me.

Everyone wants the stereotype beauty – fair, skinny (no tits and no ass… come on dudes!), stunningly pretty… who they can wrap around their finger, money is always a plus, must be sexy and sweet etc etc to the hilt but a clean and clear (under se clean baahar se clear!) reputation as well. Super girl… how boring!

Leaving those of us who dare to be different to bite the dust…

Ah fuck it… back to me failing Econ… help...halp!! NEED.TO.GO.TO.UNIVERSITY. << sob! >>

My roomie is fretting over her darling mechanics paper… its actually reassuring to see someone more freaked out than I am … she’s such a sweety :D


And there she is…


The whole gang plus a few extras… masheh nethin erey, was with Uncle and all…

Pretty random tonight eh? Aw… well…

Sigh… home sweet home!


Dream Car..


My kinda guy… yippeeee! Axl rockzzzzzz

Finale – ME! Jaxxmine… pakaas!

Hope you enjoyed my moyavun… inthizaaru kollavva…plenty more of insanity to come as exams draw nearer and my brain deteriorates further….

Musings late night and in the morning...

Romantic bullshit… bad, bad idea for single people to indulge in such typical Hollywood crap! Seriously, I should have known better. But isn’t that always the case. Sigh, when will I ever learn dho?
I’ve been buried in books too much lately, either that or movies or chocolate toast (I know I know, I shouldn’t but hell it’s exams I need my comfort munchies!) so haven’t had time to blog. I’m sure though, when my holy study break comes along I will find myself typing along. Thankfully it looks as though I’m safe with Pol and Eng Lit but Econ is fucking scary. Really really scary. As in piss in my pants scary.
I was talking to an ex, and his bro who is the most ardent pursuer I’ve ever had, and we talked about their other bro who I was talking about earlier, the dha-gadda vegen ulhey one… but I wasn’t too keen on caring and sharing as you can imagine so it was mostly about their lives and how they’ve moved on and are in really good places. I’m happy for ‘em genuinely but also makes me feel kinda incompetent…inadequate you know? Empty… look where they’ve made it…and I’m still stuck in this kinda half life thing…
Check out Juanes ge lava thah… if you’re into the Latin scene you’ll like it. I love the brand of music and the lyrics (my seriously shitty Spanish, which I am resuming studying next sem) but mostly the feel of it… lively… spesh Volverte A Vor!
I also poured out my life to this dude… by giving him this url… *gasp* I know… not the first visitor here, but certainly the first virtual stranger (online buddy) I invited… not sure why… I opened the doors to being judged by someone, lets face it, I don’t know very well, and vice versa… but I figure taking a risk once in a while might pay off… and it’s nice to welcome someone new… scary, and surreal but nice. (I quote Julia R in Notting Hill).
Watched Casanova… I like the character. Hugely chauvinistic and egoistic, a true son of a bitch but some how greatly appealing, I guess the bad boy transforms angel due to lover is a story that seduces every woman at some point of time. Sadly such fantasies I doubt will ever flood my thoughts after the fatal poisoning of reality. At some point we are all enticed by the idea of love, until cruel cynicism invades…
Fuck no! I just deleted my SMS inbox olhigen entire thing…shait…I had some aasaaree, ranvi messages in that shit hole… FUCK! Fffff… fucking hell…
… next morning …
GRRR I got a freaking D in my Econ mock… module 2… I am gonna have to drop it if I get lower than C in AS exam… yeah my life is screwed, my future is gone…non-existent… the pressure is eating me alive… how the hell am I going to survive the next 5 years without committing a first-degree crime, jumping out of my window (it’s open currently and very tempting), driving my family into bankruptcy and debts or shaming and disappointing them further.
AAAARGGGHHH!!!! I mean my other options are fine A or at least B guaranteed. So why am I fucking up Econ… I can kiss my University dreams goodbye if I fuck it up, which I am so famous for accomplishing with alarming regularity in all areas of life and achievement. I need chocolate.

My Wings Won't Fly...

Sigh… if only I could fly away…from frustrations and troubles and confusions and annoying men who lie to me and boarding mistresses who hate me (and I hate).
I’m neglecting my bloggie eh these days… I know I know, I mean to write and ‘up above’ has blessed me with many a great inspiration but unfortunately the power of exams and lectures are considerably stronger this semester… sigh…
I had so much more time when I was not paying attention to my studies, had a bratty room mate who I could totally not communicate with and loads to complain about. Oh life’s still screwed as usual but my roomy is a total honey pie sugar bun etc and I have decided to stop pitying myself, for the moment at least.
Unleash the child within you. Hey not my cheesy lines, some Ad or the other… totally wrong in concept I think. So why am I talking about kids again? Oh well, one of my friends called me a kid (over the phone, so he is still alive. For now...). Truth be told though I wasn’t that pissed. I just don’t want to be in a rigid state.
Major ‘huh?!’ right? Oh well, lemme explain myself. Well it all came in a conversation related to love and stuff so excuse the constant references to it, and just be good and accept my little um, ‘tirade’ if you like.
People always say that you don’t fall in love when you’re young (“dhen adhi maa kuda ey thihen visnaakah” is something we’ve all heard at some stage or other) but I totally disagree… you only fall in love when you’re young; when you have no restrictions, no inhibitions, no fears, questioning, no demanding , accepting change… think about it. You never fall in love the way you do when you’re in your early/mid teens… remember the passion, the longing and the laughter? You’d be lucky to find that again… or you’d have to be a kid inside ;)
It’s like when we morph into adulthood the responsibility and general stress just takes over and carves us into this stereotypical being, we lose that carefree childlike state of mind… possibly we get rid of it because it makes us vulnerable. After all to feel great pleasure one must be susceptible to feeling great pain (ah, I believe in the balance). We all fit in (or aspire to) with society’s norm and make that transition into self-sufficiency (I know, sounds like I’m talking about the bloody agriculture industry or something. :P) this sense of love is lost forever. We are no longer capable of ‘falling in love’ (how sad.) instead we settle for companionship, which is great but admittedly not nearly as fun, fulfilling or satisfying.
Possibly why at some stage of our lives we do wander off course from our life partner, the desire for that free loving feeling becomes absolutely irresistible and we do something totally unpredictable, unplanned, irresponsible and crazy. Therein lieth ze charm of an affair (picture: a French nutter with a long moustache twirling an end of it with a long knobby finger, looking down at you with his eyebrow arched. What’s the point of this interjection? Oh. None at all) :D
The say kids aren’t logical. Running under the covers of your warm, comfy bed, comfy when you hear a raging storm outside does make sense because you are seeking some sort of protection and calmness. On the other hand, moving forward down a path, searching for the possibility of something that you know you left behind makes absolutely no sense at all. Adults. Go figure.
Anyway… life these days…summarised = I’ve been playing around with life long enough, I’m fooling myself if I keep saying “I don’t care”, “the fun goes both ways” etc… because that is not who I am or who I ever want to be. I want something real now. If all that’s on the market is temporary, I’ll sit it out. On the other side of things, I need to hit the books seriously. I am screwed. I do not want to fail Econ. I cannot!I hate this place and all the fucking racists around and I cannot wait to go to Uni. Or better yet to go home. Why do I have to live here again? Grrr…Dad ge molhethi hiyaalu thah… character building? Hmph… Character ehves noon build vee. Weekends are my only escape… this is really driving me insane.

Zamaanee Vahaka

Miothee alun mi thanah aadhevifa... you should have read what I wrote the first day back home... it was brimming of happiness... sigh, but I've lost the damned file. Sniff...
Anyway, I loved every second of Sin City... if only time would stay still...
I miss walking out of my home feeling like a million dollars... Ray Ban Aviator, jeans, BG Tee, packing thah jahaafa, faivaanah araalaafa...haadha aramey huvaa... sun shining down on me, breeze on my face as I race down saikaluga loabi bitakaa ekee :D
I want to go HOME!
Oh yeah, another thing, what do you do when you fall in love with a notorious gangster (well maybe I'm listening to too much rap but seriously love, that is exactly the sort of image he has) who is bound to break your heart? Why do I have this bad boy addiction...??? I have this wierd catch phrase that I say all the time - I'm a gay guy trapped in a woman's body, just that I d
on't like it from the back... lolx... maybe it's part of finding a dude more masculine than I...??
In anycase I like this guys...I know what he does after al, I'm always part of the guys dho so I hear about everything and he doesn't bother to lie to me...I know what to expect from him. So why do I feel myself growing more and more attached to him. He is one special guy and for reasons that I do not want to write down on a blog (explicit - kekeke) ...but being with him would KILL my reputation - yageenthaa!! On the other hand, I'm no Virgin Mary, so what do I have to loose?? Grrrrr


Oooh! Just found the file. This is what I wrote first night in Male'...

I’m writing…it’s a sign that I’m happy… And for the first time in many years, I’m at loss for words to describe the way I’m feeling right now.
It’s kind of like the soaring, surreal feeling of being in love; but without that never-ending touch. I know it’ll be over in a matter of days, like a sweet dream you wake up from but spend the rest of the day reliving.
The first thing I felt in real terms was that I was going to faint from the flight stairways and smash my head coz it was so fucking hot. The first words I heard were ‘my God you weren’t joking when you said you are fat!’… ‘Please honey, you should use the treadmill, then you’ll be fine ingey don’t worry’… yeah, typical bullshit. BUT, it just washed over me – I could die right now and I would have died in ecstasy of the purest sort.
I’m home, and corny over used as it was the little girl with the red shoes was right ‘there is no place like home’.
I feel whole again. Like the reward of good nights sleep after an arduous journey. That’s exactly how I feel at this moment.
I suspect that might change once the jetlag, hunger and heat really kick in…revising and shit like that. But for now, ignorant bliss…
MY SONG OF THE DAY: YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL (James Blunt)
To touch and feel the ones you love, and to hear their voices with no cords nor mics nor pesky phones…I’m fucking high on happiness and love. I’m fucking high – naturally baby, no narcotics involved. I love you, I love me, I love us, I love everyone around us…
Peace out (before this whole thing turns scary…)
(Anyone out there wondering how I’m doing – all of the above asluves no BS so far it’s that good, it’s all goo-ood, it’s making the most of what you have and appreciating the little things in life. Sooner or later you will realise that’s the only beauty there is…)

Me.

In response to this question asked to me by a dear friend of mine when I was in Male'.
'Who are you?' Says he.

Who am I?

I am a single entity, an individual. I have a conscience and free will, I choose how to live my life. However, I cannot control fate, destiny or time. I live a period of time but I cannot chose how long I do so, I cannot control the events that take place in this parallel.
I am an animal, a mammal by classification but I have clear thoughts, I make decisions and I evolve intellectually from generation to generation. My knowledge is more than what can be analysed in DNA strands.
I have emotions like pain and fear, happiness and jealousy, spite and hate. I have little or no control over the flow of these emotions. I have faith and beliefs inspired by what I see, feel, hear.
I am an individual among billions of my kind… I cannot tell whether I am unique. I cannot trace back my creation further than my parents. My race (species) divides itself by colour and location but we are all more or less the same. We are who we are or who we believe us to be.
I am a female, and a young adult. I am a Maldivian. I have hopes and dreams and aspirations. I am a human capable of a great many deeds, some which are taboo i.e. considered to be wrong. I choose whether or not to act on these capabilities.
I call myself a name and asked the question ‘who am I’ I would respond by this reference, but it is not a classification nor is it a description.
We discover more about ourselves each day, so I am still getting to know myself. I fear I may be doing so for a long while yet.

Smth I Wrote Days Ago

She wanted to smile as she stood facing her expectant audience, she ought to be thrilled. Clutching her diploma in her sweaty palms, she twisted her face into what she hoped would appear to be a happy expression; her eyes frantically searched the room. She knew she should have written the damned speech. Oh well, not like it had ever been a problem before… so couldn’t her suddenly ever-so-feeble mind summon a simple tangible phrase?
Her eyes searched the room frantically, row by row… to the front. Her mother had her palms on her heart, clasped together in anticipation of what her daughter had to say. ‘I…’, her eyes rested on the empty chair next to her mother and her capability of communication was totally paralysed. A solitary leaf drifted onto the seat of the chair, and as it touched the smooth, shiny surface, signals triggered off inside her. She couldn’t interpret them. Somehow the fallen leaf broke her trance…
‘This diploma really doesn’t prove much to me in itself being just a record. But the memory counts, it is my journey, my transition into womanhood – my body and spirit no longer a mere child.
However with the process of maturity conjunctive attained levels of superior knowledge, we loose our innocence and the freedom of childhood. Everything in life, is bittersweet, it has a counter balance.
Today I stand here having earned my right to a future and embark on what is effectively the rest of my life; my career; the real adventure. Yet I have just said goodbye to a man who bore witness to my every joy and sorrow till this very day, my past, representative of the beautiful childhood I was blessed with. Is today too, the beginning of an end? I wonder.
Take this as an example, a woman gives birth to her first baby boy, but as he opens his eyes and draws his first breath, she releases her last. Is one more holy than the other? Is one more happy or tragic? Should anything be celebrated? Or mourned? Or both? There is no right answer to this juggle to solve. '

UPPERS REQUIRED URGENTLY. SUFFICIENT AMOUNTS OF CANNABIS ALSO ACCEPTED.

I lack patience. I really do…
And it worries me…
What annoys me most in this world? Nope, it’s not certain peoples or anything like that… it’s waiting for queues and just generally having to withstand long periods of time, doing nothing or anticipating something.
Is it a fear of that feeling of apprehension that comes with it?
Possible…but there should be a logical explanation shouldn’t there and as far as I’m concerned no fear can be logical!No surprise that I’m biting my nails and pulling out my hair all this week.
You would think though that after being so enduring for
seven whole fucking months
that two weeks would be insignificant, but that is definitely not the case.
Suddenly seven days seems never-ending!
I just ran out of Smallville episodes to distract me from taking that tempting leap out of the window, I have no more comfort food
(and can’t afford to indulge in any either because for one thing I need to fit into my clothes of which the seems already groan in agony when I force them on me and I need to save up anyway)…
I don’t want to read any books and my coursework is killing me…I sound like a whiny brat, and it feels GOOD. So there! :P
I’m going home and that’s all great, wonderful and lovely…but how the hell am I going to endure the damned flight I have no clue.
Why can’t this just be over with, I go to sleep and wakeup at home, and there’s no rush between transits and overwhelming fear of getting lost in Dubai, no rush to the loo to freshen up… no worry about whether I can manage to convince the aeroplane people that my guitar is not extra luggage but an ‘illusion’ …lol…
Every other sentence in this blog is I, I, I… but you gotta pour out your insecurities and petty annoyances somewhere.
For some their blog is a medium to show off their brilliant writing skills and what not, but for me it’s simply a release of my bottled up psychosis, that I don’t really feel that the ‘real world’ is ready for quite yet ;)
I shall now retire to biting the end of my pencils, trying to scrape my brain off for ANY useful ideas about Shakespeare and his portrayal of honour as existed in the Elizabethan Society. So far I have two points; one being I wasn’t there so how should I know, secondly they were bigoted fuckers who didn’t know shit.
Somehow I don’t think that’s A grade material. Personally I think the latter is far more candid and reliable than the BS that would get me the scores I need.

Have fun thee, whilst I shalt driveth meself madder than a hatter

The Fairer Sex

Now I’m no feminist by any means but even I have to admit that being a woman is not the ball they make it out to be even in the 21st Century…
Why the sudden radical views? To be honest I haven’t actually felt truly, completely and fully like a woman until pretty recently…and I know that that is going to sound extremely strange to a whole lotta peoples but, err…it’s hard to put into words what I mean…
Its one thing to be a girl, flighty, fun, sweet (sickly even) and ‘pretty’… but looking at your reflection (not really on physical terms) and seeing the woman inside you gazing back…is when you realise things have changed… you no longer hold the same perspectives on anything, the words ‘child’ ‘mother’ ‘home’ have a completely new meaning to them, the lost and insecure adolescent inside you has disappeared…
You’re filled with a new passion and drive… your mind has begun to formulate theories, philosophies, and process your experiences into a chamber of knowledge…it’s only just begun but still, it’s started…
Until pfffftttt…poiiiiinnnnnnnn… the kaleidoscope’s begun to get contorted…the whizzing, uplifting buzz in your ear has distorted into the annoying noise that comes out of a broken tape recorder… how’d things get so fucked up?
Ahh… welcome to life… you can get a Uni degree these days, you can work in a office and sleep your way to the top…basically, you can change the exterior of the workforce but the foundation aint shaking… the views of a woman in the brain dept. (i.e. maybe a political party is coming up with it’s manifesto, and the storming has begun) is ignored… never mind if another man comes up with the same theory, you never get the credit. Men hate to admit they are wrong, but what’s worse is apparently admitting that a woman might be right.
An empowered woman is a joke… some people think a mini skirt means modernisation? It’s true that women use sexuality to gain themselves recognition etc in the workforce, but don’t fool yourselves into thinking that that translates into winning the battle of the sexes, because it’s not… the boys get their sugar and candy and you get the pay rise that a man with the same qualifications would have gotten anyway…maybe suck up to the boss and act like his youthful self a bit… several times less an effort than spreading your legs apart to every Tom, Dick and Harry in any case.
History shows us that we lost every chance at power and recognition that we ever got… Don’t you dare start throwing bitches like Margaret Thatcher in my face, that woman is practically a man… and imitating men in behaviour etc doesn’t really impress me.
Show me a real woman in power today, someone who is totally confident of her identity as a woman and is proud of it, who can be respected and is acknowledged as an intellectual… there are very few if at all and there is not a trace of it in Maldives. How can we claim to be a modernising country when all that is developing are the physical aspects of it… sociologically we are as primitive as we were some 50-60 years ago, and it’s not just the role of women.
I want to see the true emancipation of women in Maldives, a real movement ahead where we no longer rely on our cleavage to grab attention, where our intellect is valued and recognised…who is not simply a joke, not a snob, not naïve but a woman who has embraced the beauty of womanhood to the fullest!

0_0!!!!

Never underestimate life and fate guys... when you think all's lost... do find the strength to see tomorrow, because there's always that 50-50 chance that it's a brighter day...and that your next mate might turn out to be the sexiest fucker around.... :D
There's ALWAYS a hope...a way...
Cheerios...and keep smiling folks...
I'm enjoying singledom and freedom - I gotta bigger plan for me :D , rocking this world off it's fucking axis...
Off for now - my weather forecast don't matter because petty things aint gonna bother this bitch no more!

Almost done. Me, I mean...

“There’s an empty space up on my wall where your picture used to be… and every time I glance up there the emptiness echoes in me, and it is penetrating. I lay myself bare naked in front of you, but you didn’t realise how much a sacrifice that was for me.
It was always politics to you, and you manipulated everything to your gain like some goddamn Vegas gamble. Why didn’t the little-miss-know-it-all stop you? I was tired of being accused time and time again of phil-phobia and the like so thought to trust you, hoping that perhaps I might re-cover that surreal feeling of ‘being in love’. I chose to ignore all my instincts and every warning signal that shot through my system…” (Deep breath… that was a release better than a bogu: D)
Heartbreak hotel – yeah, that ought to be my theme song… and here I am, a full year later and it’s still the same old story with a rather sickening twist… and I live to regret of course…
Y’know, if I could be granted one wish it would be that no one would ever have to be this alone.
It was like making a deal with the devil; your actions first grant you every thing you want, and then as sudden and quickly they came into your life, they are whisked away…(avahah dhathi jahaa dhalhu thiri kurey).
And you are left with less that you began with.
Now I look around me, and my surroundings and company have completely and totally changed, nothing feels the same...every single thing I see is as foreign as can be. (Yup, you see the flag of England and its pretty damn obvious I think)…
I cannot see the world with the same eyes (oh where oh where can my rose-tinted Ray Bans be?)… I cannot touch anything, without an intense fear seeping through my veins.
It’s a fear that it will burn like everything else… and leave another scar on my already charred heart (think BBQ… very well-done).
Memories of happy times haunt me, and torture me in my dreams… Things that defined me, and I relied on, a farce… now I am deprived of any strength at all (quite worrying, actually).
When everything you believed turns out to be a series lies…where do you find the courage to go on? How do you re-learn to trust?
You have a daunting feeling that lingers, that somewhere inside you did predict the outcome, but you chose to be blind… question then is can you trust yourself and your own judgment? (I is the confused is the I)
Does one deserve so much continuous pain? But could you measure pain? How sad it is for anyone to come to a point in his/her life when the glinting blade of a knife is your greatest temptation and any means to ending your life is a seduction in itself… (nope you freak, I am not hinting S & M here).
When you have lost value of yourself, and have forgotten who you are… you no longer feel the need to please. No longer feel any need at all, except to escape this incarceration…
All because you no longer feel like you have anything to lose.
The phrase ‘I love you’ is a joke to you, because no one knows you, you no longer see yourself… how could anyone love you when you detest you?
Reality of things can be boiled down to (returning back to my little bitch session and sulking time) pretty gals get wonderful guys (however superficial they treat ‘em right) AND the ‘not so pretty ones’ get as many, don’t worry… but these ‘great’ guys that THEY get only want to jump into their pants… a helluva fuck later, they return to the ‘love of their lives’ and leave the ugly chick crying her heart out… I know, I know - oh you want a guy who is that shallow eh, but the whole world is shallow...
Life is not unfair if you are rich and beautiful… some people do have it all. If you don’t, tough… Fate - so don’t bother trying…
(Coming back to the issue at hand) Two weeks he’s been avoiding me, his phone’s off, when on his brother answers awkwardly, he doesn’t call or text anymore, he can’t be bothered to email me unless I bloody threaten him… but he’s all ‘honey’, ‘baby’, ‘sweety’, ‘sexy mama’ (the curse of hip-hop culture there) when he needs a few bucks to cover the costs… get a fucking life is what I say.
It is bad enough to ask a random bitch to pay for you (fuck revolution and equality among the sexes because the age old fact of the matter is that men have always existed to protect women and when a man relies on a woman for financial support, I’m sorry that is fucking pathetic in my point of view), but to ask your girl just = loser…jerk…BASTARD!!!
I would’ve though, on the grounds of helping a mate out when times are tough, but he’s avoiding me all this while and when we finally do talk he brings it up, gets to the point and I say a ‘maybe’ and then it’s a done deal ‘bye baby’. Go to hell.
I would normally launch into a castrate all men session here. Or it’d be ‘I wanna go fuck every mother-fucking-son-of-a-bitch who comes my way’ mode. I am too exhausted to. I thought I would never cry over a guy after S----- but it just seems that after I try to reform (I HATE that word), every one that comes into my life aims and shoots the arrow right through and the pains searing… maybe it’s better to settle with the slut act and go out with random men, satisfy myself with their empty flattery and attention and get them to pay up expenses afterwards...
There is only one guy who conquered my world, set it to revolve around his… I never ever cheated on him, never once… I loved him so long, so fully and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I pushed him away when I got scared of my own feelings and unintentionally I hurt him so bad, he left me… and I can never forgive myself for being so stupid and trying to mess with what was perfectly fine left to shine. (God I can’t believe I wrote the our entire relationship up in a story; I meant to read to him someday – romance is bullshit I swear) I just want to feel that freedom of loving someone so much, and feeling that same devotion in return. Searching for that someone who’d be there for me to laugh and chill with, to cry to …in joy or pain.
GRRRR…typical chick shit dho? I need it so bad tho… I don’t know why either. I can live by myself of course and prolly be more successful etc, but what’s half life eh?
You know how when you just gotta sneeze and you can feel the tickle up your nostrils and along the nasal passage, you’re closing your eyes and scrunching up your wee nose going ‘aa….aa….aaa…’but you can’t actually sneeze (a.k.a. no ‘atishu!’ at the end)? I feel the tears, and the ache is almost physical… but it won’t pour out... Has all the shit that’s been happening recently made me numb to all emotions? Numb to feeling anything anymore?
If perchance you come across the misfortune of loving me, you’d be better off not, I warn ya... who wants to love a broken heart? There is nothing more to be that you can see on the surface, I’m drained...
(ECG machine… teet, teet, teet, tititititititit – teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’ ...spurt wings, ‘wow it’s pretty up here’)
Psst… if you’re wondering the purpose of the bracket is to insert a little comic relief (lam as it may be) to an otherwise even more dreary and depressing passage.