Secure In My Insecurity

“How to get an A in Economics” titles my new pile of notes. Amyaai… keey vaanee “How to achieve self contentment and happiness in your life” ey kiyas…far more relevant to me in the long term and both are proven impossible!

I feel so alone these days, heck even my horoscope for “May” was like, ‘Midmonth, worrywart Pluto makes you paranoid that your guy’s loosing interest in you or that you’ll never find a boy-friend. Realising that it’s all in your head quickly revives both your strong self-image and optimism’. Keekay bunaanee… Not that I let Cosmo rule my life, but I have a friend who is really into astrology so I just checked… and I thought, magey blog kiyaa meehakah ingeyney how true the first bit is!

Hama mi planet thah kess kamunney – not my incompetence ;) *rofl*

OTOH, I think I just miss family and love like that. Life in the ‘survival of the fittest’ mode can really suck after a while. The new trend wave of all these spinsters in Male’ finally hitching up (not intended as offence at all ingey) splashing around, is just making things feel more pathetic here.

I think I’d have been happier born a few decades earlier. When there was less pressure to do things that you personally perceived as ethically wrong, I could get away with not doing my Al’s and just getting me a lil baby (I shall not mention the ‘m’ word) instead. I could stay at home happy as can be looking after my family and the pressures of a career wouldn’t even cross my mind. I know society wasn’t perfect then either but I probably would have avoided doing a lot of the things I regret today.

Yes, underneath the projected exterior image of the pot smoking hardened chick, as black inside as outside (pakaas, hamuge vahaka eh noon engijje!), swears too much, and a history with the opposite sex that makes Hitler a gentleman with Jews, - I would much rather sit at home with a kid on my lap. I hate my life right now.

But sometimes we take paths from which we can never totally deviate from, because now that is the only place where we can belong, and will be accepted, after all human beings are social creatures that need to interact with other people for the basic necessities in life; for survival. These interactions can change gradually, but some constant familiarity with the circumstances that surround us bolsters our sub-conscious sense of safety. Our identity is inextricably linked with those we interact with… we become them… goes back to when the world was divided into tribes.

I know I joke around (prolly too much) about me being a tom boy (not in the homo sense of course) but the thing is, no matter what they say about the company I keep, I can’t go away. I mean I can avoid being used in any form or sense if I’m careful but I can’t just move away and expect to be accepted by any one else. My dilemma with men of course, is that some how these social interactions (i.e. I hang around with the male crowds) in their view affects my piety (kekeke) and thus I am never good enough other than say as a friend, or a temporary satisfaction.

I am grumpy these days dho, life just sucks in a lot of ways… this is me unloading via some crappy excuses. I hate my life right now.

Oooh… thought of the day:

Sexual love is a troubled and problematic relationship in cultures where there is a strong sense of man's separation from nature, especially when the realm of nature is felt to be inferior or contaminated with evil. (Alan Watts, Nature, Man, and Woman)