Almost done. Me, I mean...

“There’s an empty space up on my wall where your picture used to be… and every time I glance up there the emptiness echoes in me, and it is penetrating. I lay myself bare naked in front of you, but you didn’t realise how much a sacrifice that was for me.
It was always politics to you, and you manipulated everything to your gain like some goddamn Vegas gamble. Why didn’t the little-miss-know-it-all stop you? I was tired of being accused time and time again of phil-phobia and the like so thought to trust you, hoping that perhaps I might re-cover that surreal feeling of ‘being in love’. I chose to ignore all my instincts and every warning signal that shot through my system…” (Deep breath… that was a release better than a bogu: D)
Heartbreak hotel – yeah, that ought to be my theme song… and here I am, a full year later and it’s still the same old story with a rather sickening twist… and I live to regret of course…
Y’know, if I could be granted one wish it would be that no one would ever have to be this alone.
It was like making a deal with the devil; your actions first grant you every thing you want, and then as sudden and quickly they came into your life, they are whisked away…(avahah dhathi jahaa dhalhu thiri kurey).
And you are left with less that you began with.
Now I look around me, and my surroundings and company have completely and totally changed, nothing feels the same...every single thing I see is as foreign as can be. (Yup, you see the flag of England and its pretty damn obvious I think)…
I cannot see the world with the same eyes (oh where oh where can my rose-tinted Ray Bans be?)… I cannot touch anything, without an intense fear seeping through my veins.
It’s a fear that it will burn like everything else… and leave another scar on my already charred heart (think BBQ… very well-done).
Memories of happy times haunt me, and torture me in my dreams… Things that defined me, and I relied on, a farce… now I am deprived of any strength at all (quite worrying, actually).
When everything you believed turns out to be a series lies…where do you find the courage to go on? How do you re-learn to trust?
You have a daunting feeling that lingers, that somewhere inside you did predict the outcome, but you chose to be blind… question then is can you trust yourself and your own judgment? (I is the confused is the I)
Does one deserve so much continuous pain? But could you measure pain? How sad it is for anyone to come to a point in his/her life when the glinting blade of a knife is your greatest temptation and any means to ending your life is a seduction in itself… (nope you freak, I am not hinting S & M here).
When you have lost value of yourself, and have forgotten who you are… you no longer feel the need to please. No longer feel any need at all, except to escape this incarceration…
All because you no longer feel like you have anything to lose.
The phrase ‘I love you’ is a joke to you, because no one knows you, you no longer see yourself… how could anyone love you when you detest you?
Reality of things can be boiled down to (returning back to my little bitch session and sulking time) pretty gals get wonderful guys (however superficial they treat ‘em right) AND the ‘not so pretty ones’ get as many, don’t worry… but these ‘great’ guys that THEY get only want to jump into their pants… a helluva fuck later, they return to the ‘love of their lives’ and leave the ugly chick crying her heart out… I know, I know - oh you want a guy who is that shallow eh, but the whole world is shallow...
Life is not unfair if you are rich and beautiful… some people do have it all. If you don’t, tough… Fate - so don’t bother trying…
(Coming back to the issue at hand) Two weeks he’s been avoiding me, his phone’s off, when on his brother answers awkwardly, he doesn’t call or text anymore, he can’t be bothered to email me unless I bloody threaten him… but he’s all ‘honey’, ‘baby’, ‘sweety’, ‘sexy mama’ (the curse of hip-hop culture there) when he needs a few bucks to cover the costs… get a fucking life is what I say.
It is bad enough to ask a random bitch to pay for you (fuck revolution and equality among the sexes because the age old fact of the matter is that men have always existed to protect women and when a man relies on a woman for financial support, I’m sorry that is fucking pathetic in my point of view), but to ask your girl just = loser…jerk…BASTARD!!!
I would’ve though, on the grounds of helping a mate out when times are tough, but he’s avoiding me all this while and when we finally do talk he brings it up, gets to the point and I say a ‘maybe’ and then it’s a done deal ‘bye baby’. Go to hell.
I would normally launch into a castrate all men session here. Or it’d be ‘I wanna go fuck every mother-fucking-son-of-a-bitch who comes my way’ mode. I am too exhausted to. I thought I would never cry over a guy after S----- but it just seems that after I try to reform (I HATE that word), every one that comes into my life aims and shoots the arrow right through and the pains searing… maybe it’s better to settle with the slut act and go out with random men, satisfy myself with their empty flattery and attention and get them to pay up expenses afterwards...
There is only one guy who conquered my world, set it to revolve around his… I never ever cheated on him, never once… I loved him so long, so fully and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I pushed him away when I got scared of my own feelings and unintentionally I hurt him so bad, he left me… and I can never forgive myself for being so stupid and trying to mess with what was perfectly fine left to shine. (God I can’t believe I wrote the our entire relationship up in a story; I meant to read to him someday – romance is bullshit I swear) I just want to feel that freedom of loving someone so much, and feeling that same devotion in return. Searching for that someone who’d be there for me to laugh and chill with, to cry to …in joy or pain.
GRRRR…typical chick shit dho? I need it so bad tho… I don’t know why either. I can live by myself of course and prolly be more successful etc, but what’s half life eh?
You know how when you just gotta sneeze and you can feel the tickle up your nostrils and along the nasal passage, you’re closing your eyes and scrunching up your wee nose going ‘aa….aa….aaa…’but you can’t actually sneeze (a.k.a. no ‘atishu!’ at the end)? I feel the tears, and the ache is almost physical… but it won’t pour out... Has all the shit that’s been happening recently made me numb to all emotions? Numb to feeling anything anymore?
If perchance you come across the misfortune of loving me, you’d be better off not, I warn ya... who wants to love a broken heart? There is nothing more to be that you can see on the surface, I’m drained...
(ECG machine… teet, teet, teet, tititititititit – teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’ ...spurt wings, ‘wow it’s pretty up here’)
Psst… if you’re wondering the purpose of the bracket is to insert a little comic relief (lam as it may be) to an otherwise even more dreary and depressing passage.