Same man...
*sigh*
WHAT a disappointment...
I'm going to move on to greener pastures now... forget the past... oh damn where the fuck is my chocolate! Caffeine needed... system 'error' 'error' 'error'....
Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiiiiiii!
Talk about killing the dream...
|
Same man...
*sigh*
WHAT a disappointment...
I'm going to move on to greener pastures now... forget the past... oh damn where the fuck is my chocolate! Caffeine needed... system 'error' 'error' 'error'....
Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiiiiiii!
Speech Bubble...
|
We had a fascinating discussion aka debate today at a friend's place. What is the weaker sex... is female really the deadlier of the species... ?
In the end, we come to the same old conclusion but our personal views didn't really change very much. But there were excellent points made, and it was good dinner time, or rather mid-night snack, conversation.
It's funny you know, how it's easier for a women to fall in love or rather convince herself that she is in love but it takes a lot more convincing for a man but in long term women move on much, much easier than men. Hmmm well women have a higher pain threshold than men both physically as well as psychologically (don't you dare argue, we give birth don't we?)
It's not anhenun firihenun felun or being money crazed really dho... women do look for a man who can support her especially financially, where men normally seek support because they intend to (atleast initially) make and build a future on their own... applies to the most independant woman, and is best accepted don't you think.
Women complain forever that they have to take care of their men but there is a direct pleasure they derive from being able to leave him satisfied... sexually, emotionally and when it comes to their daily chores as well.
I heard quite a few young married couples complain about not having enough time to spend with each other tonight, and kept thinking how a child would affect their lives.The main thing was like the women keep saying that the guys come home at night only for sex... So as far as babies go, the men claim it'd keep the wife distracted from calling them home every 5 minutes, and the wives say the man wouldn't have time for a child anyway. All in all, I decided I don't want to get married in the next 5 years and as much as I adore kids, I'd delay that till I'm sure the relationship will survive through it...
You know, I think I'd like the guy around when I give birth though, just to see how much of a big deal it is... a natural birth yet... :> pakaaaas, needs to be a brave, brave guy obviously... *rofl* gonna be hard to find...
Dhen alhefahe...the discussion in still going on here, and the talk is about exes... and some don't like their partners to be closer to exes. Trust ge massala ekoa thee is the counter argument to exes aa alun gulhen faseyha vaaney feeling friends aa same eh nuvaaney(balifayeko), and I say not everything is plain and logical in relationships and people have different insecurities, so there is no point of trying to justify every bloody thing.
Why relationships today? Coz I just pretty much circled out of a perfectly good one (possibility wise, nice guy etc) because plainly speaking nice guy wasn't enough... I know I would probably never fall in love with him, I need someone I can speak to and be myself with, on my own terms. It's not totally about him letting me do what I wanna do, be what I wanna be ... I can compromise it's fine... but I need passion to keep the interest flowing you know? Don't wanna end up hurting an innocent dude. I hope everyone else understands though...
It was going too fast, and I stopped myself before jumping into an abyss, only time can tell what happens next with him or anyone else. I am not biased towards a particular person, nor am I looking for any one necessarily... but if I go for a relationship I now, at this point of my life, it will because I am somewhat certain towards the relationship and a potential future.
Just for laughs --->
Passwords A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded: "Not Long Enough"
Something fascinating a friend sent to me, do take the time to read this ... it's a fascinating perspective. Very George Orwell '1980'/'Animal Farm' sorta thingey...
http://www.file.sc/ad5f28/3%20little%20pigs.txt
In the end, we come to the same old conclusion but our personal views didn't really change very much. But there were excellent points made, and it was good dinner time, or rather mid-night snack, conversation.
It's funny you know, how it's easier for a women to fall in love or rather convince herself that she is in love but it takes a lot more convincing for a man but in long term women move on much, much easier than men. Hmmm well women have a higher pain threshold than men both physically as well as psychologically (don't you dare argue, we give birth don't we?)
It's not anhenun firihenun felun or being money crazed really dho... women do look for a man who can support her especially financially, where men normally seek support because they intend to (atleast initially) make and build a future on their own... applies to the most independant woman, and is best accepted don't you think.
Women complain forever that they have to take care of their men but there is a direct pleasure they derive from being able to leave him satisfied... sexually, emotionally and when it comes to their daily chores as well.
I heard quite a few young married couples complain about not having enough time to spend with each other tonight, and kept thinking how a child would affect their lives.The main thing was like the women keep saying that the guys come home at night only for sex... So as far as babies go, the men claim it'd keep the wife distracted from calling them home every 5 minutes, and the wives say the man wouldn't have time for a child anyway. All in all, I decided I don't want to get married in the next 5 years and as much as I adore kids, I'd delay that till I'm sure the relationship will survive through it...
You know, I think I'd like the guy around when I give birth though, just to see how much of a big deal it is... a natural birth yet... :> pakaaaas, needs to be a brave, brave guy obviously... *rofl* gonna be hard to find...
Dhen alhefahe...the discussion in still going on here, and the talk is about exes... and some don't like their partners to be closer to exes. Trust ge massala ekoa thee is the counter argument to exes aa alun gulhen faseyha vaaney feeling friends aa same eh nuvaaney(balifayeko), and I say not everything is plain and logical in relationships and people have different insecurities, so there is no point of trying to justify every bloody thing.
Why relationships today? Coz I just pretty much circled out of a perfectly good one (possibility wise, nice guy etc) because plainly speaking nice guy wasn't enough... I know I would probably never fall in love with him, I need someone I can speak to and be myself with, on my own terms. It's not totally about him letting me do what I wanna do, be what I wanna be ... I can compromise it's fine... but I need passion to keep the interest flowing you know? Don't wanna end up hurting an innocent dude. I hope everyone else understands though...
It was going too fast, and I stopped myself before jumping into an abyss, only time can tell what happens next with him or anyone else. I am not biased towards a particular person, nor am I looking for any one necessarily... but if I go for a relationship I now, at this point of my life, it will because I am somewhat certain towards the relationship and a potential future.
Just for laughs --->
Passwords A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded: "Not Long Enough"
Something fascinating a friend sent to me, do take the time to read this ... it's a fascinating perspective. Very George Orwell '1980'/'Animal Farm' sorta thingey...
http://www.file.sc/ad5f28/3%20little%20pigs.txt
Snippet
|
Summary of my current life...
(music and words are healing sources...)
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees
And the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another
Wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why
And I don't know
Why
Why
And I don't know
(music and words are healing sources...)
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees
And the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another
Wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why
And I don't know
Why
Why
And I don't know
Here a ? there a ? every where ?, ?
|
Have you ever been in a position in life...where you're wondering, from all aspects whether you're doing the right thing? You hope you are, technically you are... but it's not quite what your heart wants? Since your heart has never been right (in your memory of how things work), you don't trust your own instincts... and you watch a lot of life slip by, stuck in the memory of what was and clinging to the sparkle of what could have been? When you mistake love for sympathy and need is prioritised higher than want, and you convince yourself that you are being sensible, responsible and mature... but are you?
Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of questions...
And then there is the dilemma of following your heart, and becoming the irresposible, irrational one... you do it because it will make you happy... but at what cost...
Am I doing the right thing? Am I being too selfish?
I guess it's too far gone to be justifying anything I've done... but, I keep wondering whether all this hassle is worth it... should I just have gone along with everything? I know the reasons for that are logical... but... I know the counter argument is pretty valid too... I guess, I just... feel so bad... about making such a fuss over everything... makes me feel like a uncaring selfish brat...
One question... does bribing a friend to keep his mouth shut about something that will hurt someone I care about make me stupid if this secret is something that hurts me... and I have nothing to loose from it coming out... and everyone but me thinks the person I am protecting is just trying to screw me over but I believe him for reasons that are utterly illogical? Not that the other one (who is almost blackmailing me because I want him to shut up pretty bad) is any saint... quite the opposite...
Yes, yes. It does make me stupid. Our own stupidity is what seperates us from other mindless individuals I suppose. *sheepish attempt to laugh*
Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of questions...
And then there is the dilemma of following your heart, and becoming the irresposible, irrational one... you do it because it will make you happy... but at what cost...
Am I doing the right thing? Am I being too selfish?
I guess it's too far gone to be justifying anything I've done... but, I keep wondering whether all this hassle is worth it... should I just have gone along with everything? I know the reasons for that are logical... but... I know the counter argument is pretty valid too... I guess, I just... feel so bad... about making such a fuss over everything... makes me feel like a uncaring selfish brat...
One question... does bribing a friend to keep his mouth shut about something that will hurt someone I care about make me stupid if this secret is something that hurts me... and I have nothing to loose from it coming out... and everyone but me thinks the person I am protecting is just trying to screw me over but I believe him for reasons that are utterly illogical? Not that the other one (who is almost blackmailing me because I want him to shut up pretty bad) is any saint... quite the opposite...
Yes, yes. It does make me stupid. Our own stupidity is what seperates us from other mindless individuals I suppose. *sheepish attempt to laugh*
|
I've been haunted by this song since I was around 9 or 10 years old... I watched the movie 'Mighty Joe Young' in Singapore, I was staying with a family without my Mom or Dad for something like 2 months or so... I heard this song, right around when my parents first started having serious problems...
It's in Swahilli and is a lullaby called 'the wind song' ...
Swahili:
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati unajiwa na
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati ndoto tamu
Lala mpaka usiku uisheniupepo wa usikuwimbo wanko na
Wimbo wangu inaendelea milele
English:
Sing a song and for moment and be visited by the wind...
Sing a song and for a moment dream sweetly of the wind ...
Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song, are there and pass by...
However the song, my child, will go on forever.
It's wierd but beautiful at the same time...
It's in Swahilli and is a lullaby called 'the wind song' ...
Swahili:
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati unajiwa na
Imba wimbo wa upepowakati ndoto tamu
Lala mpaka usiku uisheniupepo wa usikuwimbo wanko na
Wimbo wangu inaendelea milele
English:
Sing a song and for moment and be visited by the wind...
Sing a song and for a moment dream sweetly of the wind ...
Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song, are there and pass by...
However the song, my child, will go on forever.
It's wierd but beautiful at the same time...
Flap your wings!
|
Am chicken.
Am avoiding talking abt wierd things.
Am avoiding fights with Papa.
Am avoiding things... am very good at it now.
*giggles*
Flying to UK tonight, for the last time for a long time I suppose. Feel almost wistful *yikes* ...
I hate saying goodbyes...
Flying alone is quite a nice thing though, time to think, feels quite independant, then again I was independant more or less all the time in UK... but am not looking forward to Heathrow security. GrrrrRRRrrr...
A friend blogged about me today... *tochu vefa, tearing up*
Anyway, to cheer me up... shopping (if Papa is kind enough to provide financial backing), hanging around with buddies, going nutty with wacko cousins... loverly, loverly indeed...
I leave at 12 o clock cinderella style (ooh, I might loose my glass fen faivaan) and it is practically tradition for me to hang around til 3 the day before I leave and totally screw up ... I might actually have to pack myself this time (eeeeek!), but it's also fine coz I don't do it only coz I get too depressed...
So it's fine. Life is fine. No complaints. Just fine. Shouldn't I be happy with fine?
F.I.N.E.
G.O.O.D
Four letters. Neither word particularly aesthetically appealing. Then why the craving for one?
Wierd.
Off to have a 'fine' time... prolly will end up getting 'fine'-d in the process.
*now thats what I call a bad joke...*
Am avoiding talking abt wierd things.
Am avoiding fights with Papa.
Am avoiding things... am very good at it now.
*giggles*
Flying to UK tonight, for the last time for a long time I suppose. Feel almost wistful *yikes* ...
I hate saying goodbyes...
Flying alone is quite a nice thing though, time to think, feels quite independant, then again I was independant more or less all the time in UK... but am not looking forward to Heathrow security. GrrrrRRRrrr...
A friend blogged about me today... *tochu vefa, tearing up*
Anyway, to cheer me up... shopping (if Papa is kind enough to provide financial backing), hanging around with buddies, going nutty with wacko cousins... loverly, loverly indeed...
I leave at 12 o clock cinderella style (ooh, I might loose my glass fen faivaan) and it is practically tradition for me to hang around til 3 the day before I leave and totally screw up ... I might actually have to pack myself this time (eeeeek!), but it's also fine coz I don't do it only coz I get too depressed...
So it's fine. Life is fine. No complaints. Just fine. Shouldn't I be happy with fine?
F.I.N.E.
G.O.O.D
Four letters. Neither word particularly aesthetically appealing. Then why the craving for one?
Wierd.
Off to have a 'fine' time... prolly will end up getting 'fine'-d in the process.
*now thats what I call a bad joke...*
|
Everyday I think I should stop writing this crap.
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Tonight I nearly got rid of the whole thing.
Life goes on, days pass by...you learn more, you see more... eventually you see past minor smudges on the surface. I learnt that my sister will get me through anything today... coz her smile can erase anything, bad news... shocking messages...whatever...
I've decided that life's about doing whats best for me. Choice one, give up being nice and start messing with people's minds brainwashing myself that it's all a mind game, tamper with their lives and have fun. Two, keep on being myself, and hoping for the best.
I choose 2, hard or not. And, I'm done interfering (neyngi viyas) to situations where I'm third wheel (I keep landing in these guitappus) and complicating other peoples lives... I don't mean to... though...
I don't know... I just need to find a better way... out of all this...
Anyways... ---> 26 August 2006 10:30 pm dho :P
Almost Real
|
My blogs have been... trippy lately yes? I started with jokes, to unloading heavy artillery... to lost... to avoiding the issue entirely...
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
I need to spill again... big guns ya'll be ready...
I've avoided love and life long enough... but things are about to change in a big way... and I just know there's a chorus of people behind me singing 'its about time'...
Things started to change the moment my plane landed in Male' on the 9th of July... for the first time, the sight of Male' made me cry... simply because life there was so goddamn awful...
I have a dilemma... I trust people too easy...and am too damn honest and open... but, I also push away anyone who comes too close... the people who touch me, they scare me...
How can someone be both?
I know what I need. It's very very different from what I want. Hopeless... I know... I want what I don't need... in fact what I should do without.
The people I love, are sick and tired of seeing me unhappy... and I don't want to keep disappointing them either... but I just... I don't know...
It seems like the solution is right infront of me... but I just can't look straight at it... what I need... I want to want it... but I can't convince myself... almost like I feel like I don't deserve that... that I ... don't deserve to be happy...
Stupid. Pathetic.
True.
5 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of being where I am now. Yet here I am.
Deal with it huh. That's what I'm thinking to myself...
I know... just be what I am comfortable being. A slut or a recluse, I choose right? Yeah, but now I'm thinking less talk and more thinking, more acting... what I do, whether I like it or not, can hurt other people... it's my life, yeah... but I don't want to live with the regret and guilt of turning my back...
I've fucked it up so far on bloody purpose. Truth is I knew what I was doing every time I messed life up. Yeah, in a way I believe what they say as in... 'we all have the life we want'... Coz underneath it all, we know what we gotta do to pull it together... it's about having the courage to go ahead with it and 'move our cheese' or whatever.
I'm done playing games. I'm done running away. I'm done messing up. *picks up broom and trash can* ... *drops a little vim on the floor* let's see about this clean slate now...
Komaakoalhi friends are no longer around... my family suprised me by proving to me that they will always be there... and the rest of the pieces are lying there, waiting for me to peace up...
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things... including, a fond dream... false dream I guess now that the exterior has given way... new begginings, lots of new choices...
I've survived hell. Lets hope insha allah things go well once more...
I shred something I've hidden for a while now... tonight... and it feels like I'm very very vulnerable. I trust my confidant... but... it feels a bit empty... one secret I kept to myself, because it is so very painful... so very personal... shared now... An ugly secret, that is almost beautiful...
'A light that glowed...but I never noticed till it died... and when it did... I felt the loss like nothing I'd ever known before'
Oh my child...
|
Once upon a time, there was a girl... a girl who had everything she could possibly need, luxuries other people only dreamed of... but she was also a lonely girl.. and a sad little princess...
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
She was a happy, sweet lovable thing but lately... she'd become ill tempered, disobedient and rude... quite unlike the royalty she was groomed to be. Her parents, the King and Queen, were distraught with worry over the changes taking over their precious child...
They talked to many many other parents, children and care givers trying to find out what was wrong with their child... what was bothering her... what was lacking in her life...
Finally one day, they came across an old withered wise man... he looked carefully at the girl and beckoned her to kneel by him so he could peer into her eyes. After a long time, he tuned to the worried couple and said 'there is great sadness in her eyes, far beyond her years... she misses something in her life... she is deprived...'
The King, now annoyed exclaimed out loudly, 'but how can that be true, we made sure all her dreams came true'... The wise man looked at the King with calm eyes, as if he had anticipated what was to happen and said ' but your highness, there may have been something you have over looked...'
'you shower her with jewels and trinkets, all that shine and shimmer and ask in return she listen to your whims. Never once did you ask her whether by drowning her in riches you were fulfiling her whims... give her pearls and she will not complain, but neither will she accept your word in exchange.'
The Queen looked on, confused. The King even more so. 'What shall we do?' they exclaimed in unison...
'For every ring, give her a hug and a kiss. For every metallic creation, listen to her petty little woes, instead of silk your gentle ouch when she falls... and you will find the beautiful girl is hiding inside, very alone and afraid to come out...'
Flowered curtains...
|
He sat my the bar table... lost deep in thought, tapping a familiar tune with one hand, cradling an empty wine glass in the other, dangerously and carelessly...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
Our actions do reveal our character... well, apparently...
The smooth surface of the glass reflected the saxophone player infront of him... "these foolish things, remind me of you... "
The club was lively and happening, and he was like the dead wilting flower in a fresh summer's bouquet... it wasn't always this way...
Things weren't always... this... dull... and colourless...
She walked into the bar, and not a single man who didnt stop and stare...
The same thing was on every single man and woman's mind... who owns that woman?
Yes, the diamonds spilling over her breasts, the silk that clung to her skin, the curls flowing down her back, the smoky smile but empty eyes... marks of a kept woman...
The beauty walked towards the broken man... her artificial vibrance, his depressing greyness... disappeared... it was as if they became whole together... like real people...and not just toys in a meaningless game...
And the night was over, as dawn arose.
They seperated back into their lonely roles...
GR.GR.GR.
|
I miss my exboyfriend... yes, I still do. Because I cannot still, cannot talk to anyone the way I could talk to him. Yes... he had issues that I talked to his best friends and shared stuff with other people but the truth is I let him inside the way no one ever has...
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
I miss my first boyfriends... and I hate to think what he would think of me if he could see me now...
I miss my old friends... even though we no longer acknowledge each others existence and we publicly anull any friendship whatsoever, I still miss having them come over all the time, I miss talking to them, listening to them and I miss all those times we had together... cooking, talking, just watching TV... basketball, truth or dare, coffee, walking around artificial beach, picnics in henveiru dhandu in the middle of the night, every single damned thing...
I miss that friend I had in a stranger... (some things are best kept a mystery... like who you were). I don't know why I let you in my life, and I have only myself to blame for everything that happened.
I miss my bestfriend who passed...I miss the fact that everynight I could come home and tell her how my day was... and that we could stay up all night giggling/crying over the major to the minor...
I miss how my mom and dad used to be... coming home to the same damn house everynight without having to worry about splitting time, you'd think that after 5-6 years they would stop fighting over the rights they haev, stop making me the piggy in the middle, and stop blaming me for reminding them of their 20 years of marriage. I'm sorry Dad, for disappointing you and for turning otu to be everything you prayed I wouldn't be. I'm sorry Mom, for loving my father, and trying so hard to please him that I never saw how much you suffered, and I am sorry Mom that I am so much like him, that you can no longer find anything right with me either.
I miss my broz... I miss my cousins and everyone and the presence they used to have in my life. I tried really hard to pull everyone together, but even I get stretched too far, and that's why I pulled away, I'm sorry...
I miss everything about how life used to be... I hate having people looking at me with only one thing on their minds, although I know that somehow I deserve whatever they label me.
But most of all... I miss the people I used to be able to talk to ... I miss how when I was most upset, I always had someone to share my worries with.
I really have no problem with being single. I still have commitment issues anyway. I have no problem with my life the way it is, but why the hell should I deny that I need what I need... the problem is getting there... and even more so, staying there.
Yes, it does hurt to see happy families, yes it does hurt that he is in a happy relationship and I am still lost, yes it does hurt that everyone seems to have someone to share the good times and the bad times... and no, the truth is that it doesnt make any difference that I have friends and family coz I no longer feel like I can share anything with anyone... I have trouble trusting anyone whether they take this as an insult or not, I can't help it ... I have trouble believing that things will ever get any better... I have trouble accepting that someday I will get what I am looking for, and I feel like I can't bother anyone with my petty issues.
No, I'm not writing this because I need sympathy and attention. I need to let it out, for my sake... and is best ignored by most people I think.
I'm so sick of people in general. I have no reason to hope for anything anymore. Actually... I never really have, I just can't fool myself now.
Why does it seem so simple to be happy? Why can't I pull myself together and be strong? It used to be so easy.
SO easy to lie and wear a mask... and all the world sees is a happy girl... the poster girl for 'carefree' (haha! :P) ... some one who I used to know, or thought I knew anyway, called me a pathological liar at some point... and she was right... coz I don't tell anyone the truth about my feelings.. its rare... I tend to lie on top of a lie and so on... because I can't bear for someone to know how much I care, becasue I cannot justify it myself... because I know I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isnt willying to waste their time on me and I don't just mean in the romantical sense. Gr
I shall just go and eat now.
C- laa
|
Life seems to be full of C's... And for once, I'm not talking about my assigment grades (hyuk!) ... Confusion, Collision, Complication, Corruption and Conflict. Resultant... crying and corrosion of my core.
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
Kekeke. (Or should I say Cececece. :P )
Sigh...
Compassion? Dear me no.
You want to know how bad a day today is? I am actually conciously, willingly, playing Britney Spears 'holier than thou' brand of music... 'not a girl not yet a woman'... 'stronger'... and 'sometimes' sort of bullshit. I am seriously internally deteriorating.
What is wrong with taking time off between now till Jan semester when I join to do a foundation course, to do some writing work... travel with Mom and physically go about finding the course I want...among other things.. I need to actually do some soul searching and actually do abit of faith strengthening if you know what I mean.. get a hold of life...
IF only certain ppls would bother to understand...
Arey. Life is shit no? But... but.. butt... wah! Seems so easy for some ppl. HMPH
But the good thing about bad times is that you can always find someone who is worse off ;) if you know where to look... kekeke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/
My terms.
|
So, I made a few boo boo's. I'm paying for it in huge amounts... Me got hurt, me ge freedom athulaifi. Me is... in quite a bad position really.
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!
Easier Said Than Done
|
At first I thought that 18th was the worst night I’ve had in a long, long time.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
I no longer think so.
And no, life has not gone berserk again.
It’s just that, this sort of bad luck seems to just be a part of life now.
One of my friends told me today I was stupid to think that I could have a relationship where there was total trust and affection. That I was dreaming about fairytales that no longer existed. Maybe that makes sense to you, but it doesn’t to me.
Because I’ve been with someone whom with everything seemed right. I don’t regret a single moment we had together. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but nevertheless that was a few of the best months of my life.
But isn’t it always passion when you’re young? Maybe so, but I know couples who make you re-think the next time you want to make fun of Bollywood movies.
I hate being lied to and being in the dark. I hate being made a fool of. Who doesn’t? My friends always tease me about being paranoid, so it takes a lot, a hell lot, to get me to accept everything I’m told, no background checks… nothing. To trust someone that much… the chances of me taking a risk like that is seriously miniscule.
I can’t believe I trusted ‘him’ with so much… I mean, I should never have expected anything, even if it was just mutual honesty. I found a recording of a lil impromptu performance of ‘last kiss’ tonight, and according to the date… heheh, lets just say I had no idea it was recorded… how strange… a little, souvenier I guess.
Mom always told me one night stands and love affairs were different! Hahaaa… lols… but who knows why he did it, why he lied to me, why he never told me the truth, when he planned on letting me know… or what he felt…or whether there was anything at all. Some questions are never answered.
In any case, as I told my ‘finihaka’ the other day, it doesn’t matter if a relationship doesn’t last, if you’ve lived it to the fullest, and met a wonderful person, with happy memories, what’s there to regret, you always knew it wasn’t forever…Living for the moment I believe its called. Mr.Right-Now rather than Mr.Right.
Never mix up what’s real, and what’s on for the show. A re-incarnation of my dad he was in some ways… I should have figured out everything… Little girl with daddy issues, doesnt do well with men. Geez, a psychologist could have a FIELD day!
But the past is the past. Sometimes the best way to move on is to pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place.
This Haif dude is driving me insane with his crazy love messages… the “bleeding” letters… and the carvings on his skin… his best friend’s international calls… and the tears pouring down his cheeks.
Why is it so hard to say no and explain shit? Maybe it’s because I know the pain he is feeling. But his love if you can call it that, is a selfish one… because not once in all his obsession did he ask me what I want… he might have dreamt many a mighty castle but…
This is such a bloody curse. I have really bad taste in men. Adhi ehen bunevey konme faharaku hithah araa noonekey, atleast I met some really interesting people ey. Foakey kiyaabala dho?
These dreams seem so pointless…. I give up in finding any body genuine. I no longer understand what the hell is going on around me.
“If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!”
But every time I’ve done something I’ve been aware of the circumstances and most probable consequences, so I don’t hate anyone. In fact, as of recently… I’ve discovered I don’t have much of a temper, but I am more sensitive than I was before… especially to other people’s emotions (highly unhealthy).
Again, I’m not grateful about my ‘situations’ but nor am I resentful… experiences in life make me who I am… why fight with my identity right?
Sometimes though, I look too hard for justifications… Mom always says I analyse life too much.
Gotta learn to say no and just let go… accept that nothing in life is fair, or free… and have no expectations of any one, or any thing.
Ironies. Follies. And Stupidity.
|
Kinda all goes hand in hand...
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
My day was awful.
I had a distant friend turn into suicidal stalker then to vicious enemy hell bent on revenge. I tell you, blood soaked sheets of paper are terrifying. And heartbreaking. No one wants to be the cause of so much pain. Even if other person is a messed up psychotic case.
Anyways, now he is determined to slice and dice me coz I rejected him. *shudder* creepy, you know? Also pathetic. Well... I'll just not walk around alone? What else can I do?
All I know is that it really, really scared me and I hated having to go alone at home.
I also had an EX of mine try to blackmail me for the 100, 000, 000th time and mifaharu I am not, I repeat, NOT giving in regardless of what happens. I know him, I know how much K***** hates to loose and I know without any doubt that he will try hurt me beyond anything I have experienced so far, but I am going to be strong this time. (I sound terrified dho? I am)
If only I had some one to lean on. I hate being lied to. I now how annoyingly paranoid I can be at times but look at the above and decided whether you wouldn't be... I try not to be, but I really cannot help it sometimes. Especially when I like a guy, and a friend of his mentions that he has a girl (well this person thinks so apparently)... you can't help wondering whether you are being played... you know?
And the sms-es drive me insane. I feel so stupid. 0_0
I am sorry if I pushed him away by my stupid questions... but I don't know, the entire day hs prevented brain from functioning anyway. I prolly shouldn't have written this blog but, I'm guessing he won't read this (atleast anytime too soon) anyway.
I wish he would just show up at my doorstep one of these days but yeah, this is reality you're talking about... whatever.
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Back in Male’… ‘sin city’… where the worst crime is trusting someone…
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
But when you’ve taken the chance for example, however stupid it may or may not be, and trusted someone you have never met with intimate details of your life… I guess in one way, there is no turning back. You might as well trust them the whole way.
If you’re me however… yeah, that’s a whole other insecure story (I love talking in circles!).
Sometimes in life, you end up reading into things that aren’t even real. Maybe it’s the need to satisfy some inner desire. Could be pressure to reach a certain focal point…in any given situation, it’s a feeling dangerous in nature to you and any one else involved. Could get nasty, ugly and complicated…n other words, involves a real risk. The main problem is, of course, figuring out the truth from the fantasy.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Just about everyone’s been in a situation where it seems like they are the only driving force or factor acting… and anyone who’s been there will only be too happy to explain what a weird feeling it is… confirmation, returning the initiation… we all need it, just like we require closure and conclusions.
The beauty of life? Or just sheer irony?
Human ‘beans’ are weird creatures.
You know how I keep saying I am over my ex? Yeah… I am, I maintain… and coming home, speaking to one mutual friend… I had a gorgeous conversation, nothing spectacular, but for reasons I cannot really dictate or explain… I got all the closure I ever needed. Really, I wish the dude all the best –always, always.
Moving on…
Today was a pretty fantastic day in terms of, oh… I don’t know, the entire positive vibe of it I guess… yeah, generally… smiles all the way. Believe me, that’s rare. Life seems good these days… I guess, as always… that means the calm before the storm?
It’s good seeing everyone here I love so happy… hell yeah makes me want something like that but still, it is fantastic to be able to see what possibilities that lay ahead, for me as well if I’m lucky… (though as one guy I know would add “luck has nothing to do with it!”)… not saying it’s happy-go-lucky the whole ride through, but overall, the general atmosphere can tell you a lot. I think.
I love being with my best friends. I hate the jerks who keep calling me for a booty call. I like meeting up with old mates, and new ones ;) …I adore being with my beautiful sister, I enjoy every moment here in terms of the feeling of home, I dislike any thought of returning… (well, almost)… and I wish this feeling would last forever.
Reality is reality though. Wanting to be happy might be one of those unforgivable crimes here.
That ought to summarise it. Tc all out there.
The Confessions Of A *B*I*T*C*H*
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Of all the guys I dated... or had flings with....
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
I have only been entirely faithful to 2.
(just to let you know, I don't think I have any obligations if I have any reason to believe he is clowning around... and I haven't met one who makes me want to give everything away... )
I have really truly loved only one guy.
I have never, ever, ever asked a guy out.
90% of the guys I know have asked me out at some point.
Atleast 10 guys have blamed me for their failed studies and substance abuse habits.
Everytime I fall for a guy, I wait for him to say something... and end up never telling him.
I've only really regretted cheating on one guy.
I have always been judged by my past.
In truth, I want what everyone else does, someone I won't have to hide anything from, and can be myself with... to love and be loved.
There was a time when I had respect and a bloody good reputation (a long, long time ago - lol)... but the very same people who once said that, have now labelled me for being a slut.
I have no idea what inspired this blog today.
See Rihanna's Unfaithful :) good song.
Just A Depressing...
|
Ever felt like you've run out of tears?
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
Like laughter is just a mask of affection?
You've run out of dreams...
And the ones you still have, are just renditions of the past...
I saw a dream last night...
Fairly unremarkable, pretty stupid...amusing in a sense. But just reminded me of everything I'm missing in life, everything I long for but cannot have.
It's funny how you can have a million friends and feel so completely alone, like you could never be whole again...
I wonder if I will ever be able to exorcise the demons that constantly haunt me... or whether this half-living state is a curse I will always have to live with.
It's not that I don't have any accomplishments, or what society deems to be accomplishments. Just feels worthless... I feel worthless...
In response
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Big brother ga national TV ga handaathan broad cast kuraa aathun kithanmehaa ves sicku... ekamu eyah vuren maa sad e alhuvaigen gavaaidhun balaa ulhey lhain...
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
Like your comments... 'in theory' viyas, this blog is annonymous honey, that's the difference...
Pakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Have a good time all, me been busy and not very in the mood for bloggin'
|
KFC is evil. Diet ge halaaku. Mi hafthaa ga melheny hetakah. But I reckon my personal happiness ranks higher than my health (or rather, my dress size) right now.
So, :P to all the meanie calories staring and sneering at me. You hear me? I. Don’t. Care.
Atleast for the moment :):D
I usually detest shopping. But today was nice. I got myself some FIFA fever… b’day presents all ticked off, people better like what they get. Sigh...
If only the sun would shine…
But it is UK, and that is stretching it I suppose.
No more black hair for me. I’m going brown today. That’s the I-lost-count-ages-ago time that I’m dying my hair in 6 months. Let me tell you, brunette or blonde – life still sucks. Hehehe… no one has more fun L Did I ever mention though that I am obsessed with hair? I will refuse to go out unless I like the way it looks…that and my nails…drives me mad… I’m constantly destroying it by wacko experiments…
I say, blue-black hair is nice though… makes me feel… more chic… I saw this dude with electric blue hair in City Center today and he looked pretty damn good… Almost convinced me to chuck away my anti-foreign guy dating policy… (not really a policy…they just don’t seem to attract me)…
Oh, I’m in such a girly mood today….I’ve become girlier since coming to UK I think… oh well, a campus full of women, what do you expect… Tsk… Dad’s hidden agenda…
Hair is a good way of expressing your individuality of course (yes, I am trying to inject a little intelligence into this blog but as you can see I fail miserably…) …Mohawks are cool… or, you could imitate ‘Haamaan’, Ronaldo etc by shaving it all off (or say you shaved it all off… wen its starts falling… ). This latter option is pretty interesting because it’s economical as well, when you’re on your motorcycle, you no longer need headlights….
Ooi I discovered the cutest blog today… http://www.sheldonhickey.com/blog/ it is so cute… and a pretty good idea… I wanna baby!!!!
Ahem… moving on… me have a course to prepare for…
Btw my hair is now brown! Chocolate brown… bronzy… me likes… reminds me of sin… ie. chocolate… oh shit… bad for the diet…
Good excuse; I couldn’t help nicking the choc… the reflection in the mirror just made me crave too much.. :P
So, :P to all the meanie calories staring and sneering at me. You hear me? I. Don’t. Care.
Atleast for the moment :):D
I usually detest shopping. But today was nice. I got myself some FIFA fever… b’day presents all ticked off, people better like what they get. Sigh...
If only the sun would shine…
But it is UK, and that is stretching it I suppose.
No more black hair for me. I’m going brown today. That’s the I-lost-count-ages-ago time that I’m dying my hair in 6 months. Let me tell you, brunette or blonde – life still sucks. Hehehe… no one has more fun L Did I ever mention though that I am obsessed with hair? I will refuse to go out unless I like the way it looks…that and my nails…drives me mad… I’m constantly destroying it by wacko experiments…
I say, blue-black hair is nice though… makes me feel… more chic… I saw this dude with electric blue hair in City Center today and he looked pretty damn good… Almost convinced me to chuck away my anti-foreign guy dating policy… (not really a policy…they just don’t seem to attract me)…
Oh, I’m in such a girly mood today….I’ve become girlier since coming to UK I think… oh well, a campus full of women, what do you expect… Tsk… Dad’s hidden agenda…
Hair is a good way of expressing your individuality of course (yes, I am trying to inject a little intelligence into this blog but as you can see I fail miserably…) …Mohawks are cool… or, you could imitate ‘Haamaan’, Ronaldo etc by shaving it all off (or say you shaved it all off… wen its starts falling… ). This latter option is pretty interesting because it’s economical as well, when you’re on your motorcycle, you no longer need headlights….
Ooi I discovered the cutest blog today… http://www.sheldonhickey.com/blog/ it is so cute… and a pretty good idea… I wanna baby!!!!
Ahem… moving on… me have a course to prepare for…
Btw my hair is now brown! Chocolate brown… bronzy… me likes… reminds me of sin… ie. chocolate… oh shit… bad for the diet…
Good excuse; I couldn’t help nicking the choc… the reflection in the mirror just made me crave too much.. :P
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