My terms.

So, I made a few boo boo's. I'm paying for it in huge amounts... Me got hurt, me ge freedom athulaifi. Me is... in quite a bad position really.
I don't want to go back to UK at all. Anywhere but UK, please. If I fail Econ which I think I will, I'm screwed anyway, and it's a waste of time going to a second-rate Uni maa rangalhu vaane ehen rashakah dhiya yas. Living in Europe espeically is quite an experience, but I am now 100% sure I can't handle it, was good for a break and I got to toughen up and all... but right now, I need family and familiar faces to pull me through, and I don't want to ruin my future, at all...
This has been a long time coming, and I have to fight this fight now. All my life, all the major decisions were taken by my parents, what I study where I study, why I study and so on. I'm sick of this. I want to study clsoer to home, hopefully with Mom around, where there is NO winter, and no racist pigs living with me. And I will study what I want to study, so get gear up.
I refuse to and live with pot smoking, alchoholic people. I don't care what they do, but right now, I want to get my life heading right, and it is necessary that I am not there. I am not strong enough to be living with them, I know how people lecture other people about how yeah...ehen meehun ves ulhey etc but nah, I've seen how people are there... and don't try to give me a holier than thou.
I don't give a shit how you mess my life up in Maldives, but I am not going back to UK to live in that shitty campus where I have to pass on breakfast most of the time coz all that is on menu is eggs and bacon. Where the heater never works and I end up unable to sleep with a high fever, but because I am not 'English' they make me 'report to reception that I am ill'... balaaennu, if I could walk, I would not be ill na?
I am ready to work my ass off in Uni, but I would rather do a foundation and start off right away than waste my time what I am doing now, because there is no way I will do anything resourceful this unhappy. For a law degree that I do not want, atleast my parents could let me choose where I am located. And what course I am doing.
I am on the edge of insanity now, I cannot deal with this anymore. I really cannot. My closest relations are complete strangers that I do not want to associate myself with (in UK). I hate the people there. I HATE THE MALDIVIANS THERE (most ). And the English bloody snobs I can do without.
Sure, I pretend I get along, but when you are with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country what else can you do? I don't want to feel driven against my moral judgements to fit in. I don't want to go to a class full of people I cannot relate to and who look down on me, studying something I have absolutely no interest in.
So, if anyone wants me to do well, they better be willing to listen to me for once. Stop ignoring my opinion for once. As much as certain men do not want to believe it, they are not all knowing or the center of the universe and as much as I love him, he needs to realise that this little girl is in a lot, and I mean a lot, of pain, and if he doesnt want to see her break into pieces, he needs to listen to what she has to say.
I do not want to play around and waste away, much as he doesnt want to believe it. This is not about some boy. Come on, people should know me better than to assume that why I don't want to go back to UK has something to do with personal relationships and the like. I complain, I get pissed off, but I have never let it truly get in the way. This is becasue I hate England with a passion, I hate the person I become when I am there, and I want to save myself, I want to study, I want to do something rather than feel utterly useless.
Some people go to UK and became brilliantly educated, academic peoples... true, I'd like to do say, my last year of my degree there or something... but I cannot, I repeat, cannot... go back to campus. I just can't. Let me do anything else. I refuse to go to Badminton. Please... I know I will do something everyone will regret. Please...
Why the hell does God hate me so much?
No this is not a temper tantrum, this is actually a very very desperate plea for help.
What's the use... toys aside... and idiocies that I can live without (example, a fancy phone... and clothes I never wear anyway)... I have never gotten what I want from LIFE. Like honesty... from my friends and all...
like parents who actually 'talked' to me about why I was depressed, like a bro who answered his phone... like parents who would treat me and my friends the way I was welcomed into their homes... like a household full of laughter... rather than tense silences...
I guess no one knows what I want. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places... maybe I'm just plain unlucky.
Great... tonight I have fought with my ex... told him exactly what I think... and god... grr...
GR..
GR...
I trusted 'the other guy' too. Ad he lied to me.
Why does everyone bother to lie about everything. It ends the same anyway.
And it's independance day.. ironic, I feel anything but liberated!