We all thought love, lasts forever...

For every woman who is in a relationship with a guy afraid of commitment or someone who is totally insecure about you, my advice is to stop bitching to your girl friends on how shitty men are it is totally not going to get you anywhere. In fact, the reason you are in so much shit is because of women in the first place.
Not that I'm much of a Freud supporter, I do think he is a spoilt, ungrateful brat who blamed his mother for all the shit he went through and did nothing about it - HOWEVER I also think that its probably very true that mistrust and suspicion comes from incidents witness from the home environment, if it is not that some chick came and broke his heart when he was naive, sixteen and totally 'twitterpated'. Chances are pretty high that he mended his broken pieces and swore on his dead body that he would NEVER be that stupid again.
You've been there too? Well, men are not as forgiving especially of themselves as you may be. And there is always ego and pride to overcome. If you do darling, don't throw it away, thats a pretty big deal sacrifice wise from a man, do me a favor and be respectful even when you have to let him go, at least for the sake of the next poor girl who falls head over heels for him and gets maltreated simply because YOU were so fucking rude.
Back to the bitching thing, anyways... chicks are gonna be totally biased on your side, and though that can feel really good and liberating, the fact of the matter is that a relationship takes two to make or break it... thus, please don't rely on a 'girl you rule' to simply throw away something meaningful, nor is it plausible cause to plan out elaborate ball-chopping revenge plans either! Harmless bitching is one thing, and you using it as an excuse to give him and undeserved hard time is a totally different scenario!
Your friends can tell you what they feel, but the decision should be yours. Too much (and this applies to younger generations of both sexes... ) reliance on a high powered, hormone charged scream fest as motivation can very likely ruin some of the best things that have happened to you.
>>>>
I feel like a old hag, but my little cousins talking about love and lovers is just wierd to my ears and I can't believe I'm talking to my older sis about these things and this little brat feels that she knows everything already when she butts in... so wierd. :P Okay, I know, I was her not so long ago, but still!!! Hehehe, the cycle of life... MAAAAAN... I was just discussing this with PurpleFalho... we just can't get over how fast kids are growing up these days.. I mean 13... Wow... I wasn't thinking about anything sexual those days!!
Maybe we just supressed it all... Maybe it's all related to the psychological theory - stages of life and everybody is over exposed to the oral sensory and anal sensory part(0-2 is oral, when kids put everything in their mouth and anal is 2-3 when kids spend lotsa time in the bathroom and toilet training begins. The psycho dudes say its due to a membrane in the anal region that induces feelings of intense pleasure and thats when our body discovers this)... back to what I was saying. It's all rather strange.
They fall in love at 16 and want to be married by 18 and you try to tell them its always love at 16 but they simply WILL NOT believe you... and then you predict what will happen as they change and evolve and their personalitites usually take opposite and radical turns... and then they come and cry on your lap... and you tell them it's okay been their done thta. Come 18 they think it really is love this time and you hear lots of 'well Thitha what the hell do you know??' (which is when you feel really ancient).... and then the cycle just goes on. LOL, you want to teach them but the simply won't listen just like you didn't either simply coz life requires we do our own individual fucking up before we come full circle :)
LOL... we lose faith in everything and spend the rest of our life trying to find it and keep it strong... wow, we start out planning life to our retirement, go back to living a day at a time, and somehow try intergrate both together. Ya... humans are complex arrite!!!
Anyway... check out this sweet video from a little boy (loabi kan!!!) who was dissed by his cheating girlfriend... (awwwww...)

Sean KingstonBeautiful Girls

Music Video Codes By Music Jesus.com

Lurve, Lurve me do!

So I feel like continuing the oh-so-damned tagging :P and finishing up with the 3 things I love as directed by foniboki...

3 things I totally love...
1.My baby sister (Ok, not a 'thing' but you know)
2.My best friends
3.My guitar

To regular blogging again;
I don't like secrecy or suprises. I feel like I'm being conned in some sorta wierd conspiracy whenever something like that is going on. Maybe I'm just extra ordinarily inquisitive a.k.a insecure... :P Whatever it is, it is just not something I like at all.
My old friend is crashing with me this weekend while my sis is busy tanning her lil butt in Penang... It's fun, we get to catch up on really old times and sort out lotsa lil confusions. Last night we went to watch the movie Transformers and it was wicked... I swear, that yellow Camaron is such a turn on!!!
The shots are beautiful, effects are damn cool and the plot is totally shit - it IS based on a cartoon after all, but you know the whole thing is so fantastic you just don't care either... AAAH, it was a good movie. And I was making fun of the whole thing all this time, saying it was for all the lil boys who just won't grow up... There is this HOT military guy in it too...and the heroine is hot too... infact the hero is the only real GEEK :P in the whole thing...
I swear though, the whole thing centrals around an ad in Ebday?? Gimme a break. And the world is under seige but America is the first place they wanna play around with? Ello? I mean DUH, the Japanese are just too technologically advanced and shit like that so aliens what, prefer to be around the idiots of the world?? :/ Didn't like that part, but yeah... it's HOLLYWOOD.

I was tagged by Green!

HAH! I have friends too :P ... I have been tagged. ROFL
So lets get this over with...

Three things I can't do

1. Change the past or avoid the future
2. Follow rules 0:>
3. Shut out people I care about, even when it's better that I do so

Three things that I can do

1. Hide stuff about me (everyone has a right to their own privacy!)
2. Dance(Okay, I think I can :P) and party hard!!!
3. Cook!!! (Fer shizzle!)

Oooh, what scares me...

1. Crocodiles
2. Blindness
3. Loosing the people I love.

3 things I absolutely hate... (Just 3??? Alhey... LOL)

1. Waiting in lines and queues
2. Racism, Sexism....
3. Judgemental Hyprocrites


That would be it...

Ima tag... Velvette, Nadu and Zoe

delta- 6-tetrahydrocannabinol [da lowdown]

First of all, you guys should check out these links...
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_hash.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/narconon_drugs_marijuana.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_history.html#
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_timeline.html
http://www.stopaddiction.com/marijuana_addiction.html

This whole piece of writing is solely dedicated to the stupidity of reality :P
"Some users also mix marijuana into foods or use it to brew tea."

Oooh guys, lets have a tea party... *WINK* :P

"The Muslims too used it recreationally for alcohol consumption was banned by the Koran. It was the Muslims who introduced hashish, whose popularity spread quickly throughout 12th century Persia (Iran) and North Africa."

What??? Our Muslim brothers?? Cannot be lah... they would never! Pis pis pis...

"These marijuana establishments were tolerated by the authorities because marijuana was not illegal and patrons showed no evidence of making a nuisance of themselves or disturbing the community. Marijuana was not considered a social threat."

Loabivaa parteys... good news... your ancestors didn't rob old buggers on the street on knife point, nice to see that you are smarter. :P

"Now, NIDA-supported researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and Columbia University in New York City have shown that individuals who regularly smoke marijuana experience withdrawal symptoms after they stop smoking the drug."

Nooney nooney, you should still stick to saying that it's not inducing dependence. Say that after the 15th blunt of the day and I will kick your sorry ass elsewhere! Seriously... some people... dependence is exactly what it is - dependence... psychological or physical!

There is a difference between the occasional partying and the inability to pass 8 straight hours without stuff... Neither is particularly unfavorable... but one must differentiate these things!

My Addiction (Fictional Short Story - Female Protagonist)

[I wrote this previously on my work blog which is floatingreflections.blogspot.com, and since it is possibly one of my writings I love most, I thought to share it here too, check out the rest of my hadi heyvun as Anne Bonny if you're bored ^-^ )

I lifted my gaze to meet his...

The result is almost painful... I instantly regret my decision, cursing my own idiocy...Hating my weakness...

Heat rushes into my face. The reaction is visible to him, I remind myself... I'm staring at my toes but I can see the self satisfied smirk on his face. He's silent, butI can hear the sneering laugh... Like a personal victory... How sick can you get?

And what do I do in defiance? To retaliate? This strong, passionate woman? Nothing. I submit, cave in, give up, accept defeat... whatever you call it. That's how much of a coward I've become.

He owns me now. It's a relative term. It owns us. I suppose that's more accurate.

Years ago they were all racking their heads why we landed up together.
The bitch. The bastard. Yeah yeah, but still, how?

I was a labelled, confirmed slut from the slums. Not that I sold. I just experimented.
It's a string of failed relationships. Not really multiple dating. You know? That kind... Bad rep, but still I got good guys, decent ones even. Usually got what I wanted in life... Yups! Lucky me...

It'd be some sort of consolation I suppose, had he been goodlooking. Understandable if he was filthy rich or had much dignity to his name. Fame I mean... well, none of that. They'd have been able to justify it all had he been the sweet, cute, cutiepie sort - then again if that were true I probably wouldn't be here in the first place, now would I?

Absolutely shameful is what it is.

Was he especially kind to me? Hell no. Lied. Cheated. Ignored. Humiliated. Several times over...

So what kind of a retard am I?

In the beggining I tried to please him... like any love sick sucker would. Love, no... I'm not going to taint the word in this story, Let's try again.

The guys I used to date, like I said... were of the good sort. Sweet faced, sweetly smiling and sweeter manners... Ironically I end up with this looser. Figures.

I suppose I could say I had to stay with him because I lost my virginity to him and felt some sort of attachment to him. I suppose I could say he wouldn't let me go because I soon started to play wifey and do his chores. I suppose I could tell you his reckless bad ass attitude was a new buzz. I guess I could blame it on me finding his junkie/orgy infest/almost criminal lifestyle appealing...

But the truth is... I wasn't that naive... The truth is I knew what was coming... Reality is that I was never the good little girl I pretended to be. I never had die hard morals to begin with, to stop me. I'd always questioned what I had been taught.

Not an ethist by any means, don't get me wrong now. No holy woman neither.

Lust is a very powerful emotion. If it can be called one. It's more like... a... drug. Cheesy huh... It's addictive, destructive and alters how our body functions and to top it off, is induced by a chemical realised into the body. Isn't it a drug then?

It's an escape mechanism, a vulnerability, a window of weakness.

Some smoke. Some snort. Some eject. Some Some drink. Some choke. Some just fuck. Simple as that. A, B, C. It's my cocaine. Like so many other addicts I didn't see it coming.. the high was just...beyond this world. Life itself is a variable you know? I fooled myself into calling it love.

The thought is hilarious now. Love? That? Blasphemous!

I sort of... hallucinated... and within so, dreamt up castles, conjoured up phrases like Shakespeare, planned out a perfect lifetime... one heck of a trip that was... and my ruin... I got hooked.

Didn't take long for the transformation. He became evil. Everything I'd constructed, concieved to be him... under closed, relaxed eyes... all dissipated, and I began to see him for who he really was - just another guy.

I hated him from the very innermost depths of my soul. I needed him though, I needed him, I needed him... and I need him even more. It burned a hole in me...

We had lives before each other, him and I. He had a good, safe girl. I had a decent steady guy. The story was to end in one and only one way. I knew exactly what that conlusive chapter would be like. I tried hard to walk away. My family set force to rehabilitate me in the sense, to life without him.

And then came the withdrawals. I itched to dial his number... I stared at his messenger icon... willing myself to look away, move away... I walked by his home, though mine was on the opther side of the neighborhood. I didn't mean to, at first, but I guess you could say that I began stalking him...

I knew him so well you see, I'm messed up but I'm not stupid... I went to the places where I knew he would go, when I knew I'd be able to find him there. Just sit and stare, observe him. I was beggining to scare myself. I couldn't sleep at night... all I could think of was him, and I knew something was going wrong with me.

My friends tell me I talk about him all the time, saw him or images of him no matter where I was, he haunted me. His voice echoed in my head. I was going insane. I told him, and in the beggining he found it amusing. Then he told me I was sick...

He left me, after using me. He felt guilty at first... I needed answers so I pushed it, tried to make the guilt work for me. Manipulate his feelings that way, you know, bring them back out. This desire for him, it couldn't live just inside me.

I bribed everyone to bring him back... his friends, his family... emotionally, physically, financially... and the most deadly weapon of all, sex..

'I'm pregnant and it's his...'

'You know, he stole money from me for heroin'

'You know you want me... come to me'

All the things I said... all those words I used... it was for the better. White lies.. no big deal... I had been pregnant, but I miscarried before I went for the abortion... Felt worse, like the child had rejected me... He did take money from me... for marijuana... drug either way...

He himself couldn't stay away from what I could make him feel...

I had trapped us into being what previously we couldn't be... and the lust drove us into it... drove us over the edge... and we couldn't take it anymore, we were trapped in a deadly cycle, damned forever. One of us had to make the sacrifice... the one that was truly wasting away...

I rubbed a finger across his paled cheek... and looked back into his eyes. This time the gaze isn't strong at all, it's empty... I bent over his beautiful face and kissed him. Then I dipped a finger into the warm flesh blood pouring out of his impaled chest and painted those delicate lips.

'My darling... and for what? Just lust?'

THINGS I"VE REALISED

1. Differentiate between friends, potential lovers and stuff like that. There can be no inbetweens.
2. Do not keep your lenses on for weeks even though its easy. Or prepared to be BLIND for a day or two.
3. MISS CALL MESSAGES are from people who are not willing to spend a dime on you. There is no such thing as BUSY - it's too busy for you.
4. If you don't have the rights, they can steal your ideas. And it is no use bitching about it, coz no one will believe you anyway.
5. Tea is better than coffee, and easier to make, serves the same purpose.
6. Increasing the volume does not strengthen your point.
7. Honesty is NOT always the best policy, especially around LIARS.
8. Appreciate whoever bothers to give a damn. Tell the critics to fuck themselves.
9. When you do something stupid, laugh about it instead of making up lame excuses. People are too polite to say so, but they do notice.
10. If he likes you, you wont like him. If you like him, he wont like you. Simply avoid the whole thing instead.
11. Have no pity for mosquitoes, roaches and fruit flies (poop flies either)
12. Do not tell your Mom about your boyfriend's tiny fuck ups. She will NEVER forgive him.
13. Drinking cold coffee is tolerable, but don't let your tea get cold!
14. Getting drunk is called so coz people are not in their senses, and they are not necessarily telling the truth!
15. When people are in love, its the same as being drunk - they don't make no sense either.

Most Confusing Phrase of the Year...

"Hope u'll understand"
This is a reoccuring message of recent times that I've spotted in the text messages I recieve, as well as facebook (holy shit, that thing is taking over the world!) messages, emails and what not.
Ze probleme with zese lil err... addishonz, iz zat - ah fuck it, the thing that I don't get is what I am supposed to understand. I understand you are late or that you can't come or whatever the issue is, but then it's a stated reality of life, and in that case youre not just stating the obvious, or are you?
But what else is there to understand? I mean you are requiring me to understand something other than the unchangable truth right? That's what understanding is all about, ignoring something or excusing a event out of the norm or basically... just accepting a conflict has arisen, willing to compromise even perhaps.
So in this case, again, what am I to understand. I know that you're not coming, what am I supposed to 'getu vaning'? That you don't want to see me? That you are mad at me about something? That you had too much to smoke? That you're sleepy.
Wierd phrase. Misleading... and somewhat annoying too.

The Sweetest Salvation- PT I

She wiped the sweat off her brow... and smiled. Hard work just feels good, no matter how down and dirty she'd need to go. But the thought lasted a second or so. The sight of the grime filled nails had her rushing to the showers like she was on fire.
Soaped up, she washes herself, the small bubbles and their beautiful colours all were adding to the serenity she was feeling. The water felt so good... The soap sliding down her skin felt soothing... their was music playing in her mind...
Wrapping up a towel around her, she stepped into her room, the cold air from the AC hit her like a wave, she shivered a little... and then she stood and simply stared through the mirror...

I havent seen myself for so long. Now here I am, no colour paints my face... no mask to hide my feelings... no one to stop these tears... not a reason to smile...

She strokes her face.... The towel drops down...
Recent years have not been kind to her... her scars fill the silence....

What were smooth, flawless legs and arms... now slashed, cut, bruised... healed, but will forever wear the mark. Discoloured due to various medications applied, for various ailments that were caused. None natural, but inevitable nevertheless.

No wonder he doesnt notice me anymore... No wonder he doesnt love me anymore. This is what I've become... What I've done to myself, what I let happen to me, in order to love him.

All those nights I walked into this room so drunk, so high... Partied with my baby so long tonight... And my Dad would take one look at my beaten up figure, and just smash me up some more. The pain, the humiliation - no matter I'd just smoke up a little more...

Flipping her hair, she turned around and peeped over her shoulder. The same arched, curvaceous back... But the skin now ashen, dulled... Marks from her Daddy's cane... Bony now, thanks to her "diabetes" issues...

My sugar control... But I need some sorta sweetness don't I. This house is empty, full of painful memories. Theres a resonance of evil that follows me here... I don't quite understand all of this... but I know that I need some sorta fix. Cigs don't cut it anymore, booze isn't a constant supply either. So whatever else, Ima just take what I get...

She sat down on the floor. Hugged her knees. Buried her head in her thighs. And cried. She could feel the warm tears trickling down her face then dripping their coolness onto her warmth... She felt the physical surroundings, sensed the ongoing activity... all the while very much lost into a violent whirlpool of thought...

I need to be loved. I need some one to touch me again and tell me I am worthy of love. Am I not deserving of attention? People used to tell me I am beautiful. Now no one will even bother to look in my direction.

That's how cruel people can be. Simply because I have been abandoned by my family, stripped of wealth and name - they call me a whore. I have done nothing different from the mistakes many of them have made. I have not been especially wicked. But they wouldnt hesitate to burn me at a stake.

Her nails dug harder into her naked flesh.

My crime is one of coincidence. How stupid. All this suffering, and the only consolance you can offer me is that I am simply unlucky? My entire life has been one of misery and all anyone can offer me is sympathy? I don't need no fucking sympathy!

She stood up. Stared into the mirror... stared at her nude reflection. Closed her eyes and forgot the disgust. Opened her eyes to see a new her... the same beautiful girl she was before. First, it was awe. Then excitement. Pleasure. Peace. A slow, confident smile replaced the trembling lips.

She walks out of her room. She hears her baby son crying as she places him on the cold ground outside. Your father hates you she whispers. The baby stops crying and gurgles happily. She keeps walking... walking like she has some plan to follow. Methodically, systematically... as if there was some routine controlling every move.

She is in a semi conscious state. Looks like a zombie in a trance - almost. Walks to the kitchen. Loosens the valve on the gas cylinder. Breathes in the suffocating gas. A normal person would have choked, but it was like it calmed her instead.

Breathe 1, 2, 3... 4

The gas fills the room, spreads...

I loved you. I loved all of you.

You destroyed me. All of you, one by one.

She opens the matchbox.

Goodbye

Strike one.

Stuck in the same old rut...

Frustration is an emotion that occurs in situations where one is blocked from reaching a personal goal. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration. It is comparable to anger.

Sources of frustration may be internal or external. Internal sources of frustration involve personal deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations that prevent one from reaching a goal. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration when one has competing goals that interfere with one another. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside the person such as a blocked road, lack of money, or lack of sexual activity.

In terms of psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is a method of dealing with frustration.
(From Wikepedia...., yeah that is how unoriginal this waste of a human bean is...)
I'm so fed up of life, love, friends... family. All of it seems so meaningless suddenly... I don't know what I'm doing here any more. And I talked to a couple of friends tonight....
One felt better because of me, or so he said and for all I know it's part of the general male propaganda to get into a females pants. And I don't really care either, but it just got me more confused on my perspectives.
The other, God... He drives me insane, all the time. And I don't know why I let him.
Last and so very definitely not least, he has been my friend for long, and he knows me so well, and hopefully has his life back on track - far enough to show me whats wrong with mine anyway...
And it's not that I haven't seen the road to recovery. It's not even hard to get there... although it's a challenge to keep going...
I don't even want to recover anymore. I'm so safe in this cycle of abuse.
It's not only addiction that's an abuse, abuse is an addiction as well.
Sick yeah, but true. Sick as is most of the truth in this world.

Lhemekoa!!!

Was up to no good... and a friend gave me a piece of advice that inspired a very rare creation; ie a 'poem' from me... the NON POET! Okay it's pretty pathetic and it has all these baby rhyming patterns. But thats the beauty of it, simple...silly but honest.

Revenge
Now baby you'll remember my name
Brought you down when you were top of your game
I know that things can never be the same
But it was never 'bout the name or the fame
You should know by now, I'm not that lame
That was never part of my aim
And I accept my share of the blame
Your ego is all I seek to tame
Go ahead and take what you claim
Coz baby I've got no shame...

Musing

"Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring....
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you.....summer wine"
Oooh ohhh..
Catchy tune... nice in the early morning. And it is a beautiful morning. It's a beautiful day to laze around and love... or lust, whatever you call it really.
Dunno... I'm strangely elated but don't ask me why, coz I really do not know. A general feeling of well being I suppose. Yes, I am aware I'm sounding more and more like some sort of dictionary/thesaurus (yeah, although I can't spell) ... but I just cannot explain this wierd phenomenon. Not that I'm complaining... just a bit err... confused - for lack of a better word.
You can stand under my umbrella.. ella ella eh eh eh eh e e ... :D Come into me... Gonna let the rain pour... I'll be all you need and more... When the sunshine shine, we'll shine together...
Oh by the way, scrolling up and down various blogs... This is the ARTICLE to LOOK AT... http://necrophagus.wordpress.com/2007/06/11/i-am-an-addict-sorry/ -- No doubt.. while you're at it, check Wonderwall as in the Ryan Adams version and look up Corrs live in Dublin (a small indoor show k?) 'When the stars go blue' Feat Bono - that is on youtube.com ... it's very cool, sweet even.
Maa gina kanthah jassaifi dho?
Thom aigns out...

Torn From My Note Book

Its just the kind of gorgeous day I've been praying for, but I just don't want to go out, and leave the safe haven that is my home... the fortress around me - my room.
The familiar clutter, the comforting mess and 'hulabolikanz', I see beauty in the disorganized organisation that surrounds me and I revel in it.
The media player in my head is spinning out of control, and I'm being subject to a trippin' mix of trance.. :)
Chatting is enough socialisation for me on days like these... we are so lucky to have the virtual option to switch in between as we prefer...

My Own Naseyhath to Me

It's amazing what a heart to heart talk can reveal... a simple, sweet discussion about everything around you. It doesn't have to be very deep, it doesn't have to be too emotional, just real and honest, all fringes clipped.
So it's not a solution, but it's a start. I don't know, I just feel pretty pleased. Doesn't matter what happens, I'm okay with things as long as they don't get um... "poisoned" as of such.
~Save tonight, fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow... tomorrow I'll be gone ~
We all need a reminder that life's short, and we need to live to the fullest. Don't misunderstand me, you do need to be true to yourself, beliefs and values, but at the same time do not leave things do be dealt with for tomorrow, and don't pass up opportunities for convinience... and don't bottle up intending to share all your feelings later.
The outpour is too overwhelming, you'll just push it off and then it'll burst... or time will just be unfair to you instead. Either way, it's never going to be same if you don't express it when you should. Okay, I don't mean to declare every thought that passes by in your mind (that would earn you more of slaps, thrashes and the like), but do not lock it all up for a rainy day. It so isn't worth it.
And do take your own advice. I have learnt a pretty good lesson about being chicken and acting tough. *Giggle* yeah, silly silly girl... I can hear my friends snorting in the background :P
Once you really start to make peace with yourself, it really does feel very good. Everyone needs to be comfortable and happy in their own skin, thats when the journey starts moving forward again. Masks can only take you so far, besides whats the point if everyones already made up their minds when you walk into their company? Nothing left to prove, so got nothing to lose just being oneself.
When I write I tap on my own feelings and experiences but I'd just like to add, it's not a direct reference to the current events in my life. I am my own muse, along with my friends and family - and it's highly satisfying. I write about things I've never gone through coz I feel like I can conjure up the emotional make up of my characters or whatever it depends on how in touch you are with your personal life, so you can visualise the inner turbulence one would be faced with.
I need to start listening to my wise double persona :P lol

Just a letter I feel a lot of people I know would like to send to specific persons...

Dear Person
It would most probably piss you off greatly to be reading this, but since we can never communicate without you screaming about me being a complaining brat,
I'm not Virgin Mary, nor am I some kind of Mother Theresa/Gandhi...whatever. Then again, I don't think it's fair of you to even expect me to be so, since you've clearly had your own share of sinful, spur of the moment some what stupid moments. Or arent you human?
It's unrealistic to assume that just because I'm the female I must be sent from up above. No, I think pretty much as much as you do. Clearly our thought streams are different, we don't even look the same do we? So there is no reason why I should conform to suit you, after all you aren't perfect either are you?
All I've ever demanded from you is simply a little attention, much like you need when you're down or when you need the 'healing touch'. For all the time I spend for you, or with you... is replying to a message simply too much for you to handle? I don't bother you a hundred times a day, I just text to see how things are once a day. I do understand that you are busy and you have your own life to deal with, but when you say you have things to do and you simply laze around with your buddies - now that hurts my feelings. If you have better things to do than just come over and say a hi, or chill somewhere, you should say so. Perhaps then I can stop wasting my time waiting for the call you insisted would happen only to be disappointed.
It would be nice to know where I stand in your life, on clear terms. If I am a booty call, tell me... if you care - tell me. If you think I need to stop bugging you, don't lead me on. Because even if you say this isn't serious and spend too much time on me you're confusing me. If you say this is real and you avoid me, you're fucking with my mind again.
Since you clearly enjoy having fun with your mates, I assume you would not want to deny me the same satisfaction. Do realise that it is possible for me to want to have friends of the opposite sex, and that I might connect with them and feel comfortable sharing things about my life, I don't spell out things and I wouldn't make you look bad or expose private information, so I don't understand why this is such a big problem.
It's cool what you decide are your boundaries, you can party hard if you want to, thats your perogative. However, I have the same rights to chose if I want to. Respect is very important to me and I respect your wants and needs, naturally I hope you allow me my dignity as well. I am under no obligation to indulge in or commend behaviour that I do not find appealing and the same applies to you, so if there can be no aggreements in this department, it is time for goodbyes.
I value honesty as mentioned previously, and you are only human. We are both liable to make our own share of mistakes. Please come clean if you feel guilty or have regrets. Please do not insult my intelligence by denying the obvious. If you truly want top repent (for lack of a better word), let me know... being honest is the first step. Communities tend to be tight small, and coincidences arent uncommon, so do whatever you please but do not do so under the misguided belief that I will never find out.
Simply said I put up with your shit, and you can put up with mine. No one is perfect, and we all have faults. At the end of the day we are human, male and female. Whatever we have, lets just allow each other the honour of respect and honesty. Outside of that, its all up to an ability to compromise. Appreciation comes with that, because no one has to do anything for anyone, nomatter what they do - so when someone goes out of their way to please you, it is just decency to acknowledge that much.
Life's a journey, do you feel like walking beside me? I don't want to be your shadow, and I don't want you to be mine. It doesn't have to be for tomorrow, and it certainly doesn't spell forever. Lets just be witnesses to each others lives, and live for the moment, revel in its beauty and see how far the road stretches before it parts, if it actually does.
Take care,
Me

Whatever makes you happy...

She opens the little tin hidden under her bed and opens her little packet of happiness, adds a pinch of vanilla tobacco and mixes it all up to gooey perfection. Recipe for her favourite rescue remedy, sealed with a kiss in a roll of rizler paper...
Pretty poetic, you got to admit. And she burned one down, she did.
Just another fucked up night, in a hopelessly fucked up life.

Queen Bee apparently. She snorted. Like fuck... She wasn't in control of any fucking thing in her life. And it drove her insane... Not that she was any freak obsessed with her self. Oh hell, maybe she was. Aren't we all.

She tuned up the psychedelic shit she was so attracted to thesedays. Damn it felt good.... and the green shit really kicks in... Man, who would have thought she'd relapse back into this shithole. But everyone's in this shithole, she consoled herself.

He prefers his green to her. They all seemed to. Her friends... the guy who wouldn't get outta her head. She'd done the experimentation and thought she had learnt her lesson. Then though, when you can't beat em, join em right? Yeah... Fuck yeah...

What did she have to lose anyway? People already call her a 'holic', though there would be these freakish variations between these percieved additions she got labelled with. She thought after a whole lifetime of too much attention she'd fucking be used to it all. She'd get over it. Y'know?

It only got worse everyday. She screamed... and screamed and screamed. All these thoughts echoing in her head... The high didn't even make her feel good anymore. She couldn't stand all this anymore. "I have good people in my life who would take me away from all this if I gave them a fucking chance..." Mumbled in a slurr...

The nails were digging into the flesh of her thighs. I don't get high anymore... It's fucking normal now. I need something stronger... Sugar is just a bloody phonecall away...and baby, this kinda "diabetes" might actually save my life...

The thoughts kept getting more psychotic, she realised. More provocative... and definitely more possible.

She picked up her N95 and punched in a few numbers. "Bitch, get ya ass here and bring me some strong shit"

She hung up. That easy. Man... What a fucked up place to live. She looked around. Shit, out of rizlers. She started scrambling around the drawers... Damn, damn damn... And then she saw the album. Nostalgic feelings started to creep up...

She flipped through a few pages. Fuck... she didn't recognise herself. She was never goody-two shoes... but she was never this pathetic. Some bad ass wannabe looser with absolutely no life to look foward to. Tears welled up in her eyes....

Yeah maybe everyone did have the same sob story, and maybe she needed to stop acting so stupid. She just couldn't see a way out of the abyss ... she really couldn't see the future. And when you arealone, that's shit scary... and... she was completely terrified. Terrified of tomorrow...

And she had prayed for salvation for so long. She slammed the album to the floor and momentarily enjoyed a sense of peace and satisfaction at the torn pages before lapsing under a gigantic wave of depression.

Grabbing the hair on her head she just bent down and pressed her face onto her lap, and she felt the warm tears soak the cloth and trickle down her. She felt dirty. Guilty. Broken. Used. Life became meaningless in a matter of years.

People she was close to, strangely.. yeah they seem to think she can handle everything thrown her way. Seem to think that she didnt care... Seem to think she was some kind of survivor. But the truth is, today was the lowest point of her life. No one noticed. Today, she had the drive to tighten the noose and jump off the stand. No one seemed to have a fucking clue.

There was a knock on the door. She knew this time she'd go through with it. For the first time in her life THEY were right. She didn't care. Any more.

Amaatha!

You have to see this. Now this, my friends is what I call a MENU.



One phonecall please? Naasigeyah. :P

Boredum Busters

(Similar to the Ghost Busters aah!)
In case any one is like very very bored tonight, I feel compelled to share something with you...
http://www.johnandjohn.nl/?
(formerly sickcomic.com... )
The cutest, wierdest, most fucked up comic around. Use the cute little remote with the nipple tag to move between sketches and comics.
It is rather entertaining in a very crass, mildly gross and very politically incorrect way.
My kinda thing :)
*giggle*

Fashion Faux Pas

Today on the way to College from ahem ahem, Concorde Hotel where a good friend of me resides... (don't ask too complicated, basically she lives there)... I saw the worst fashion mistake in the history of anything to do with decent dressing. Seriously, it's not something I'm especially passionate about or even that interested in (note: fashion hardly makes a statement in my blogging) but this was one thing I had to share with you.
So I'm in AC (Asia Cafe) hitting me-self on me head with my bag for wasting my time and coming to Coll super early... (I had no choice, I was bunking with Sarah eh?) and I see this pretty chick. Yeah pretty... but *woah!* what she was wearing just ruined it. Sheer pants (think thuni dhopatta) and a black thong. Doesn't sound so bad right but wen sheer cloth stretches (for those of you who have never worn tights or panty-hose, and guys I hope you haven't :P) it becomes sheerer, and her Chinese butt (ehenveema varah kuda, fathaa buri eh) was on FULL display, plus there's the stitched line in the middle and it doesn't coincide with her thong and if she bent over, there would be so much on display man. It was pretty trashy and "eww" and "sheesh" too ... and she was wearing this satin shirt (also black), tall kitten heels and a velvetty bag... it was all a bit too over the top, hooker-ish and like not even sexy.
There is a fine line between that much oomph and too much thus *yuck*... too much information on the goodies, make them not so goodies usually. Girls, you can turn heads with a little cleavage, why bare your legs and your ass and everything else as well? If you're doing red lips must you have drag queen black eyes????
If you ask me it's all about replacing the X with the N... I mean sensual would be a better target to aim for... Class and sophistication... Or am I missing something here?

My take on the babes on telly ...

"She's like sooo whatever, you could do so much better!"
EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee! You can hear me crooning this lil bit over and over again, nauseatingly thui koh... at select but random times everyday. *blink blink* It's a girl thaaaang. :P
(Didja hear Ms.Bald-Rehab-Lost my kids-Party with Miz Hilton-Kissed Madonna for kicks-Was married to a wannabe-Britney Speass is making a comeback soon. Dear lord! Xtina is getting annoying though so her rival on spot should buzz my boring telly addicted retard life up. Oh so sad, where is my social life???)
LOL... okay, catchy song, but I so prefer the rebel punk Avril to this pinky, shrieking, slightly trashy new chick image she has. If she wanted to turn things around, why not with the class she displayed in Nobody's Home? That was far more feminine... But yeah, she does look like she's having a great time. Sooo, whatever :P
For the prostitute lookalikes though, the award goes to Amy Winehouse. But RESPECT... this woman can sing... and we've seen too many other people in so much less so I guess it's unfair to say she looks trashy... it's an earthy style though, bit too hippie wierdish for my taste, but yeah... I say hello hello!!!!! This music is good man... 'Rehab' is almost my theme song thesedays...
Joss Stone looks pretty, the video's cute, the songs sweet... but overall, passes right over me - no effect.
Seems like everyone is doing a girly makeover these days hmm?
Audrey Hepburn lookalike (serious, Little Things ga she looks somewhat like her ey!) Lily Allen is cute, and I love the fact that her songs are very brit humor.. (Ironically I used to bitch about their idiotic form of sarcasm...). I especially like Alfie... *ahem* reminds me of someone I know.... :P
Kelly Cularkuson ge Never Again ves salhi. Lyrics wise. *sigh* ekam haadha popsy popsy dhuvas varekey. MTV beley vareh noon..
Ekam Rihanna ge Umbrella hot ingey...
Beyonce has become a bit of a repeat show.. boring... boring... white girl crap... and the whole JZ dubbing thing is sooo stupid and very Ciara - Like A Boy... and Ciara does it so much better. Shame gurl, you oughtta do so much better.
HATS OFF, I say HATS OFF to Pussycat Dolls for I don't need a man... the video is so so and the song is not amazing either... but it is so what I need these days. LOL... yeah, I listen to this song and it's like a whole push in the right direction kinda thing...
Dats all I guess...
I LOVE PINK :P (if you do too *yay*, check http://www.musicjesus.com/song_41956_Pink-Dear_Mr._President__Live_.html)
Check out these Africn Songs on YouTube
(I love the vibe)
Fire Anthem - East African Crew
Ray C - Songeo Songeo
Siamini - TID
Mtanzania - TID
Malaika - Daudee Kabaka
Step On It - Redsan
Usimpi Roho - Pam, Wyre, Nyashishki, Abass, Nameless, Jua Cali
(Courtesy of Nunu)

Birthright

We are only human, is that so hard I wonder, to comprehend? How unfair it is to grow up in a society where every movement is judged and criticized. One does not chose their fate, similarly when one is born into a particular family does it become their birthright to be in the limelight every moment of their lives?
Today we proudly declare that we are a democratic nation, at least most of us live in democratic (supposedly) countries. Everyone is an equal, and it is a people's nation for the people and all that sort of hippie talk. We've eliminated hierarchy and monarchies (and all those other Archies and Jugheads :P). Or have we?
If each of us were born into different families, how different our lives could be.
Is it fair to discuss the merits and demerits of one person, just because we all know their name when we have no real idea as to what they have to face and go through every single day? Maybe placed in their position, we would crash and crumble... succumb to our weaknesses. For once instead of discussing what our affluent neighbors do after 9 p.m. for once wouldn't it be nice to ponder upon how much strength it would require to wake up every day and face your demons, stare them straight in the eye?
None of us can live forever in solitude, loneliness kills. What would it be like to walk beside friends who ridicule you behind your back and laugh with them, knowing how they feel about you? The judgment is biased of course, because they envy your jewels and your car, they offer you companionship in turn for their 15 minutes... and when they are satisfied they leave. You know the cycle of events, and you can predict their moves, but you comply because it is your weakness and you cannot bear to be alone. Besides, even though you do not fancy what you have, you know they may and you are more than willing to share after all it holds less than no meaning for you.
You go to classes where even the teachers brush you off as a rich snob or a famous good-for-nothing (take your pick) but where is your blame? Did you chose your parents? Or your siblings. For once, take a look behind the glitz and the glamor, the fame and the name. How many people live desperate, lonely lives... simply because they were born to do so?
No there is no need for pity really, you don't even have to understand. Just let the thought lie just for a little while, in your minds... how lovely it would be for these people, to not feel the hate and to not have a million enemies... to have one genuine friend and not be constantly judged... just for a little while?

Dad Woes...

So which is worse... never having a Dad... or having one who hates your very existence... ???
I see my friends with their respective Dads and it feels fucked.. like ... I don't know, I so wish he was an active part of my life still. I know our relationship has been reduced to bills and debit cards but I have never seen him as my bank account (hello, he never lavished gifts on me anyway) and it sucks that we are in such a formal relationship. What happened to the Dad who used to hang out with me anyway?
What the fuck am I being punished for?? Why is he now such stranger???
At least now I've figured why I can't stick to any guy or relationship. The chase is so much more exciting that the conquest itself, because when I have achieved the attention and affection then thats it, but it will never even begin to compare to or compensate for the deeper feeling of emptiness thats eating me up from inside.
I'll go to virtually any lengths to get what I want whether it be affection, attention, dedication, devotion or whatever but it ends up meaning pretty much nothing because the real need is a practically bottomless hole and I haven't met anyone who can cater for that sort of complexity or fill such a gaping void.
If only realisation and diagnose were solution enough.

A Tear

For the past few months I've had a dilemma, no wait crisis, of major proportions. It may sound pretty silly to some, but it's actually sort of quite creepy. More to the point though - I can squeeze my eyes tight right back into the sockets... glare at onions being chopped, slice and diced... I've watched a marathon of tear inducing, supposedly heart wrenching movies and poured over half a dozen books of similar genre... practically hypnotized myself listening to sappy, sad, cheesy, corny love songs... - Yet me, who was once infamous for emotional bawling and a overly sensitive nature didn't and actually couldn't shed a single tear.
So what's the problem? No I'm not some sort of messed up cruel fucked up little shit head (at least I'd like to think not) and I really felt for each and every character I saw on screen or read about... It's not that my life ain't affecting me either. I've just started to turn to stone or something of the like.

Messenger Plus! Chat Log
Session Start: Friday, April 20, 2007
[After much talk]
(12:50 AM) [CENSORED]: wen ppl don't cry they loose the humanity in them n become heartless

Truer words have never been spoken. I've just been likened to rotten cabbage or worse by someone who I have loved, and truly cared for and was somewhat exceptional to all the barriers I put up. The first person I have just simply managed to toss open the perhaps not so pearly white gates to 'Rai-gri La' and... yeah I really feel like shit. I've spoken about it in prose, told friends in bits and pieces, spoken from theoretical perspectives and at a fairly neutral I'm-clearly-trying-my-best-to-remain-emotionally-uninvolved-but-its-all-fucked-up standpoint...but I haven't been able to really sit down and cry.
Like I've got some sorta glass ceiling erected that I can't hammer down. And it's actually getting visibly thicker and thicker and I can't do nothing about it. Almost a good thing, in a way it's steadfast protection.
And it scares me. Its scaring me that I'll never be that person again. I'll never feel that sorta pain maybe, but not the satisfaction either. I'm so caged in that I can't even shed a single tear when I'm all alone. Have I lost touch of myself so completely. I know I've never been this hurt before because when you stand stark naked in broad daylight and the privileged present actually have the nerve to reject you, the icy poison that releases burns further in than you could have imagined...and yet as the flesh hangs loosely over my charred skeletal frame and the maggots have begun to infest on my rotting carcass, yet even then, not a single tear has escaped it's confinement.
And that's saddest part to this.

Comment La

I discovered I like Take That... especially the track 'Patience', I like the lyrics 'my heart is numb has no feeling', salhi aslu and I can actually sing to it (Oh dear, my house-mates do not appreciate this fact though) but seriously, I mean how the fuck do you sing along to say... Iron Maiden or Megadeath or worse, Slayer?
Hm... Korn Unplugged album is very nice I must say, the video is damn creative as well. I can't imagine how much they blew away getting Xzibit and Snoop Dogg to perform :P ...Amy Lee was a nice touch too...
Back to the telly.. Adios!

Racist Maldivians

Maldivians are weird people you know. Some think they are white. Some think that they are black and go all 'yo ma nigger' when they have no right to. Hell no. Why can't they accept that they are from Indian descent. LOL... we look Indian, we speak similar to Sanskrit and our script is derived from Arabic/Urdu . Now I don't want to go into detail about our origin that's really not the point here. The point is regarding the amazing display of shameless stupidity.
Reggae and Hiphop is like... so ... erm... not the norm :P not that I care and yes, dreads look hot and the dhivehi afro is awesome... but what really drives me crazy is the punk/rock/metal/goth crazy (all of which they mix and match by the way)... appreciate music genres if you wish but why the hell would you want to conform to a culture that is totally and completely racist?
I'm talking about Gothic subculture and metal-heads and all that shit. ITS WHITE FUCKING CULTURE MAN... get a life. Oh you have one is it? Then get it straight! You are currently promoting people who think you are shit!!! Its for white people. And the whites are all black (ironic...) so the blacks should become all white :P
QUOTE "Metal heads are typically drawn from the working classes and in Europe and North America are almost exclusively white, however in Arizona metal heads are divided between White, Mexican, & Native American very evenly." END FUCKING QUOTE
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metalhead)
So it was years ago... but it's still dumb to endorse something that incorporates white supremacy (again to 'dhon' dhivehin... you are not white, the closest you come to are North Indians!!)and yes they are trying to erase their history of racial discrination and associations with such but the fact of the matter is that it was a prevalent issue at Victorian times which is what Gothism is supposed to be celebrating. Fine, it's about self expression but do you really need the bloody spikes and black smeared on your face? Do you see anything about African or Indians??? No?? Get a drift? you'd be better off dressing BANGRA :P LOL... Jeez it's like a Chinese Rastafarian man... Just ain't right :P Heheheheh!
Admittedly Wikipedia ain't the most reliable source but you should be able to get what I'm talking about here. Its not that I don't know the main theme of Gothic Subculture and I'm not confusing it with Medieval/Victorian roots...I'm saying you should look into some of the key beliefs they held other than depression. *Laughs!* Whens the last time you heard of a colored goth anyway?
And y'all have no right to call yourselves niggers and especially to call Africans niggers. Y'all are not black and thus it is still derogatory for you to say so. So eff off! And by the way stop calling them 'baburun' thats disgusting. Stop calling Sri Lankans 'orin' too. Shit man... its sick.
So I try braids coz it's fun and then this fucked up chick coz 'thigolaa mihaaru heevanee baburu gola eh hen' like thats a problem... :P Fuck off dude. Don't act like you're too good for something. It's cheap in itself. I know me trying braids sounds a bit hypocritical but keep in mind I tried the look, I did not incorporate in into a lifestyle nor am I confused about my race as of such.
Maldivians. Such racists. To the extent we hate our own race. And we discriminate within our race. Adduvians, Dhonaa Kalhaa... you know what, I'll not even start there! Lol.
[I'm entitled to my own perception, ideas and opinion so blll :P]

Im Bored Lar.

Blog kuraa dhuvas varegga dhen kureveynee kureveynee... nukuranyaa onaanee kon me dhuvahaku meethi gandu check kuramun dhiyas liyan maa bura masakkathakah vefa. Ajaibeh sahaadhu mi bunee... hairaanun antharees :)



Koky... so, bored. Like I find hardly anything entertaining anymore. Movies, books... parties... people = all boring! So fed up of hoping for betterment. Actually you know, the whole world pretty much sucks and we know it. It's hope for a better tomorrow that makes you feel better. Happiness is directly proportional to amount of Hope instilled.

And Hope itself is a lie mankind came up with because it's based on a belief that is based on zero logical thinking and caused by wants rather than necessities. So there is like nothing great about life at all ey bunebveynee :P

Atm, (AT THE MOMENT) my life is very salhi. I'm not a id anymoreeeeeeeeeeee in the eyes of family FINALLY. I'm being totally honest with my family and I no longer feel like I have anything to hide. Pluzzz I'm taking a break and spending more time on broadening my literary mind (By the by, Perfume - The Story Of A Murderer is as excellent a movie as the book is in my humble opinion and if you disagree I don't care :P) ... kekeke... well maybe not spending as much time doing academically oriented activity but... certainly not clubbing and stuff.

Perhaps its just laziness. Quite possible actually.

Maybe I just need to feel alive again. And I'm numb to the usual remedies of clubbing or partying (same thing nar? LOL) ... or hanging out, or sports... or doing dangerous and exciting new things. I need a new rush. Or I need something to rejuvenate the feeling perhaps. Its been a long time since I've really been in love.

Again ekkala haijaanu dho. Ekam you know, it's such a good feeling when you think the whole world is revolving around the two of you, and the sun is that much brighter now and the flowers never looked better... when he/she/it/they is around its like nothing else you've ever felt before? Remember what it was like to be sixteen and hopelessly infatuated?

Ofcourse, older and wiser its much harder for that to happen if at all. But it was so nice to be so young and oblivious. It was so nice. The closest thing we can feel now is the intimacy that comes with dating and spending lots of time together and taking it to higher levels... when too much communication becomes unnecessary because you understand each other so well. Thats a wonderful feeling too.

Life's like an hourglass, glued to the table... and there's nothing I can do to change the course or the speed or the way the sand flows.

The greatest dilemma I am facing nowadays is the impending question 'to curl or not to curl'? I wanna but I think nugulheyney. Don't laugh - tis a matter of life and death. (All suggestions and comments on the matter are encouraged and welcomed) :)

Tid Bits...

I'm addicted to bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Yeah, I should have been Italian. I eat this too many times a day, at least a loaf of bread a day. No exaggerations.
I'm learning Swahili! I love the way the language sounds... so pretty... 'Mambo!' is
'Wassup'... how cool is that? Sounds so upbeat :)
Hmm what else, I think Beautiful Liar is so damned sexy... and I think Avril's starting to become very thui, and borderline annoying. :/ So much for being the blonde exception.
Linkin Park is starting to remind me more and more of U2. I don't know why. My beloved Mike Shinoda now looks old. :(


Amusing SIGHTS of MALAYSIA
Restauranteh -->

Bakari dhenee huri gothah baa?

Darling Tony -->


My New Plant -->

What does this remind you of really?

Snail ATTACK -->

Are so many even supposed to be in the same place, let alone outside our Condo???? Ahh FINIHAKAXXXXX!

Okay, we are very sad people in this house. We just watched Janet Dickinson's Model Show and Mr. World and drooled over men on a Saturday night. *pulls blanket over my head* Ohhhh Mannn... :(
Fuck I'm having serious memory loss now. I cannot differentiate between hallucinations, dreams and reality! Crazy... Scary... I don't quite understand it. Like just now, I had a flashback moment when I played the track 'Tribute' by Tenacious D... felt like I had discussed it earlier with some friends and I don't know whether it happened or whether it was a dream.

Juz Thinkin'

There are two things that can change the course your entire life is heading forever in a millisecond. One is a natural disaster (think Tsunami). The other is an unplanned pregnancy (think Wah!).
I know several people who have been through this scenario, or have faced the possibility of that becoming a reality, and the fear is a very real one. I know someone who is going through this whole process. And the wait till she can confirm so is driving a very sane woman - extremely hysterical.
From 'how could I be so stupid', to 'OMG what the hell am I going to do', to 'who should I tell', 'how am I gonna tell him!!!'... to probably 'how could he be so heartless', 'the word is ABORTION, not kill'... etc... leading hopefully to 'I have never been so happy to get my period'. It's all very cliche. It's all pretty predictable. But everyone panics anyway.
Silly. But still eh.
Pending question in my head...
Would you actually tell the guy if it was you? Even if you're not sure? And you aren't even serious although you are good friends? And you know he'll really sweat it?
In that case, if you were the guy, would you rather not know? Or would you like to atleast be there for her?
Suppose it's all over, would you ever tell the guy about the scare? Anfd if you were the guy, how'd you react to this information?
*blending brain in electric blender, the pinkish juice is getting thicker and frothier*
I was just watching a Chinese movie and the kid thinks that he got his girl classmate preggers coz he slept next to her, lol and it is damned cute... this was in my sociology class. Hehe, got my brain worked up on the whole thought thing again.

Another Day

I had a cultural show last night to go to, had to model a stupid dhigu-hedhun (uglier version of our national dress). Looked a bit like a drag queen/cross dressing man... felt like it actually coz it is a absolutely totally feminine (RADIATES IT) dress, and I haven't worn anything pretty for longer than I can remember. Am still trying to think of an appropriate total to charge my friend for making me go through all that embarrassing, time consuming, totally wasteful bullshit :P ... hehehe... but no, it was a fun thing - in the end.
But I think that was more of relief than actual enjoyment.
I am in a Prom Committee. What happened to my lovely uncomplicated life of coll to home and back again :( ... I went out of class for less than five minutes and when I come back lo and behold I have become a fucking representative. What a waste of my precious time. I think I should back out. But I get free entrance to the Prom now... but considering I do not have a date, the hell is the point anyway?
I don't even feel like wearing a dress. I mean, I don't feel like I can. This is what happens to a female's morale when she has too many gorgeous friends. *groans*
My friend told me today that I let the little things get to me so much. I know she's right, but some things just bug me more than the rest.
I'm irritable oala.
I got a hot hot hot dress as of a few hours ago. YAY. Now I feel much better about myself. Even a ugly duckling like me would look presentable in that gorgeous thing.
My life is not over yet.
Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa

Horny-Ness

People have sex for money. For love. For passion. Why not for release?
Some people snort it up for a release.
Some people drink their ass off.
Some people smoke up and get high.
Maybe some people just fuck.
Ever thought about sex that way? As a release of tension?
Because that what it all boils down to, even the freaking climax. It's relaxing tensed muscles. Be it your brain or your dick or whatever.
For some one who are so damn stressed that you can't even chill a bit, it helps you relax, it helps you sleep. It has the very same effect a massage has on us, our muscles can loosen up and we feel refreshed.
Fuck I can't bitch about all the benefits. Refer to link below for further reference.
http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/08/cz_af_1008health.html
WARNING: This article will make you feel damned GUILTY if you are not having sex.
I'm just saying... some people might just engage in sexual activity to ease the pain they are currently feeling. To even just help them relax mind/body...and focus better on whatever they are doing. Maybe sex should be just thought of as such...exercise! LOL
I don't know, why bother with love really. You have your friends for support and affection. You have your friends with benefits for your 'other' tension. Sometimes I just wish that was all we needed in life. Then things would just be set, the way they are.
No need to bother with a head hunt for Prince Charming.
*Checks watch like the rabbit in Alice In Wonderland, "You're late, you're late - you're laaaaaate!"

I really don't know what I should do next. I mean, it's like I think I'm moving on and changing pace but I forget to change course so I'm still travelling within the same cycle.
It's like I never learn from these same mistakes and I'm making them over and over again. Maybe my subconcious just finds this lifestyle easier than moving on ha? Maybe I don't have anywhere to move on to. Since when am I so dependant? I don't know.
I'm still stuck in the same rut tring to solve everyones problems, then ironically getting blamed for being other peoples shit...and not knowing where my own path lies... much less where it could lead to. Its too fucked up...
I am so fucked up.
I'm trying to do everything right but I end up hurting all the people I want to protect... I don't know where to go, what to do... who to believe. Maybe I don't evern need to but I have this burning urge for answers and reasonable explanations. I can't bring myself to just believe someone can be so spiteful, for no reason. I don't like being told, there's nothing you or I can do about it. There has to be a solution to everything - there has to be.
Yeah okay, maybe I am being childish. I know... It's really stupid to try and please everyone. I know this will sound even sillier but maybe it's just in my nature. I know, it makes me seem weak and vulnerable. So I am... Hm...
Okay, I want to do the smart thing. It's just not easy for me to let go of all my attachments. I know I should listen to my instincts... but that's a different kind of stupid risk than the ones I am used to taking. :/ Does that even make sense?
I never really realised before that it physically, really hurts to see the people I love hurt. Really... and it's worse to be in a position where you can do nothing but stand by and watch, or you are stuck far away and are trying to watch over but all in vain.

" Seems I've found the road to no where...
And I'm trying to escape,
I held back when I heard thunder!
But I'm down to one last breath... "

So where do I go from here? Who do I trust? I hardly trust myself anymore.

Dhe loa ves tholheny...

ksuad;laiu;lfh jaskdl ahsldi askh fpoa ldjas ;f lkasdfjA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miadhakee balaa veri dhuvaheh!!!!
I'm soooo fucking frustrated!!!!!!!!
I just wrote a huge blog... and deleted the whole fucking thing.
I was the proud owner of a gorgeous limited 2006 edition spider zippo for fifteen minutes. And then it got stolen out of my fucking bag which was on my shoulder the entire fucking time!
I just came from an amazing-forever-gonna-be-unforgettable-full-of-love-and-excitement-once-in-a-lifetime-kinda-crazy-effing-mad-hilarious-and-wonderful-anyway-too-good-to-be-true one week holiday in Maldives. Aah!
Where by the by, I have managed to loose 24 000 Mrf worth in cash and goods. Lets see, it began with my Raybans, followed by my best friend's Raybans (from inside my house) and two other peoples 1500 in cash, my Ipod... within the two weeks prior to my departure I had successfully lost my phone and my wallet.
No I am not blond, nor am I blind, no am I careless! It is a fucking curse. I'm not even kidding. Did you happen to catch the Narnia flick? Exactly. My bag and my room are portholes to another galaxy/parallel world/whatever... and my stuff keeps swapping itself across time and space without my knowledge. AAAAAAAA! If I also happen to 'Kuljaaaa Sim Sim' (ie : vanish) into thin air, please follow suit and jump into my bag.
Uhu! Uhu... Uhu... Uhhhuuhhh... *kukuranee*... 'koki dhewa wa nee'..WAAAAAAAH!
Fucking bad luck. *sticks bottom lip about err... aaa ... couple of feet atleast)
But like I said 'twas so damn cool :)
I saw my girrrrrrrrrls... the desperate housewives... the snail, the frog, the chicken and the cow... LOL *moooo* ... the sex in the city chicks... the powerpuff girls (PLUS moooojo jojo!) *LMAO*

- dhivehi anhenunnakee zamaan feshuneessuren ves dhunfathu ge ishthiumaalu furihama ah kuranmun anna baeh (hence the gud gudaa) , we are just carrying on the tradition -
Aaah... we had Furt's bday celebration for about 24 hours... lol... I didn't sleep the entire week actually... oh so much fucking fun :) , kihineh nidhaanee... too many fucking things to do on my agenda...

-Theyo Rah-
And I'm an auntie too...I've a picture of my darling whale (the mother)...but not of the baby boy (sooo saad!!!! always in the nursery when I go, maybe the idea of meeting me makes the kiddo sick :s :( ) .... lol... Farata's baby little farata...or should I call him Naan? Maybe Roti Channai??? Anyway I chose the name! Yay! It's cool... first boy to see light of day for years and years in our family, so everyone is so thrilled. Sick of seeing pink I reckon.
I saw my little girl too...Sooo big now. Thinks she's even bigger. Silly girl can spell my name and hers... proud one I am. I know. *ruffles feathers*
Did a lil swimming...saw a lot of eye candy... it's like Male' keeps breeding more and more of hot guys... :) didn't go out too much... the usual cycle rides and coffees.... and visits to family...
Speaking of which I met up with my darling bro after a long time, the one who was in hiding in the land of transexuals (Thailand) and plastic surgery...he came with a few pieces of art and metals poking out, but other than that, looks and seems human. Was wonderful to catch up and laugh out guts out again :) *mwahs* ... Was lovely to RE-Bond *chuckles* with step bro too... ditto for friends specially Termite... ;)
Oh yeah but no answer to the pending questions although they've been marked down to just one very significant query... what to do though? Maybe I should just lean back and enjoy the moment rather than occupy more time and energy into analyzing what I should be revelling in... too young to worry and I mean it!
Jeez... the whole worlds problems are due to men. You... Me... the war in Iraq...
Tsk tsk...

Don't look back in anger - I heard them say...

I want to make this a cheerful post after such a long break... and hopefully I will soon enough actually post Langkawi trip pics and all the fun I had there. But this week is just too depressing, I don't have the energy to reminisce on happier days. At first I thought it was the withdrawals from a amazing holiday but now I just know its life itself. Happy thoughts! :/
I like Malaysia, I am grateful for the nice, easy life I am living.
It's just that when I moved here, I thought things would get better and easier to deal with or handle.. but it just seems like things are catching up with me again. No it's not college, nor is it studies. There is just some things about my life that I cant seem to de-traumatise myself from and get over. I know I can't keep running and hiding forever but it feels like a near impossibility that I will actually manage to banish the little men running around in my head.
Now I sound retarded. Jeez, maybe I actually am.
I constantly try to act like nothing in my life bothers me. A lot of it doesn't like I don't reprimand people for little negative gestures they say and do (like some peopel obsess over the way he or she SAID something), but then it gets to a point where I think maybe they are trying to tell me something about myself that is irritating and I'm just not getting it... then I progress to fully-fledged paranoia.
Thats when it comes to friends.
When it comes to guys and the whole other picture, things are even more fucked up. I know, how the fuck is that possible. But hey, apparently it is. I just can't seem to let go and let loose, it's a bit like I have this permanent pole up my arse... (metaphor for being uptight -- NOT that I'm anal-ly inclined, God you people - such dirty minds!)
I need to let go of so much baggage and move ahead and open up to new, brighter and greener pastures right? But I just can't and I don't know why. I've tried summing it down to one signle person or event but I can't - must be a pile up of the residue...
If I was some body else, I wouldn't be my friend. I would find myself too irritating. I don't like me anymore. So they tell me, if I don't like me, who will? To which I'd have to say, well that certainly explains a lot.
I tried to sit down and actually draw a map on a A4 paper of what bothers me. But I ended up scribbling flowers and marijuana leaves and cursing instead. So back to square one. Why the hell am I sooo DOWNNNN :(~~~~
I don't even feel like mingling these days, and that for some one as social as me, is just plain wierd. I'd rather sit at the pc and do nothing substancial. Or just pack away, I'm eating more than four meals a day. And I get tired easy. And I'n moody.
Fuck, now I sound like I'm preganant.
Oh my love life has been tooo SUCKY for that to even come CLOSE to a possibilty. How friggin sad is that. Pathetic. I need to accept that somethings just gotta remain as the past, or just friends and that not every one will be mean...and that different is still okay.
Why is it all so easy to put on paper... and so very hard to carry out in reality? Tsk... I always failed practicals...

Flashback to CNY!

If you have a musical soul you need to listen to this 22 year old pianist I've been obsessed with for a while now, his name is Maksim...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9FuJXvI9Uz4&mode=related&search=
Just watch that for starters, my favourite is still his 'Flight of the Bumblebee'

I just had the most amazing one week in Langkawi during Chinese New Year, met lots of new people and had a crazzzyyyy time with my new African friends... *yay!* ... I'll up some nice pics soon as I can.

The beaches are say... Kuda Bandos - Villingili standard, but I'll take what I can get and the atmosphere was perfect anyways, I just can't complain it was too good. The parties were nice... I fell in love with Reggae Bar... *sigh* I know so many friends who would seriously freak out there, SO SO FUCKING FUN!

But it got me homesick as well...The whole idea of waking up late, jogging to the beach, scream/sing/try to sing - ing and acting like 5 year olds... *aww*

LOL One Somalian guy we were with sang a gorgeous rendition of You're Beautiful and butchered the whole melody, James Blunt would be reduced to tears with this. It goes something like 'you're beautiful... I saw an angel, he was walking in the window, he wanted to give me a blow job, he had a pink dick'. The pink dick mentioned in the above paragraph (I'm trying to make bullshit sound intellectual here, gimme a break aite?) is in reference to the 'mystery of the missing vibrating condom' which SOMEONE bought and SOMEONE used (by the way on himself...) ROFL... It was a KrAxY trip indeed.

But thou shalt forgive thy drunken and high friends... ;) it was sooo fun and funny and I had the funnest time in a long long time..

We were such an international group... Somalian, Kenyan, Tanzanian, Maldivian, Indonesian... and met up with Americans, Swedish, Dubai people... heheh! Was cool. Plenty of eye - candy girls, and the possibility of wearing anything and nobody would know or care and just felt very liberated. Didn't even have phone or any other modern device. Me, clothes (sarongs and such), a lil cash and the great guitar.
Dhathuru dhiya meehun ge adhadhu : 11 ... 6 girls and 5 guys
Duration : About 4 days....
Fahaga kohlevey kanthah: I lost my phone a few hours before we left
Mode of Transport: Bus and ferry. There were so many poeple that our first trip was on 'Bus Sekolah'... Sniff sniff... But it got all better including VIP rooms after that...

LOLZ... lets just say it was a week to remember!

Present Continuous ... Not so perfect afterall...

Lately I've been really lost in thought. I mean it, I could be in the damned taxi and I'd just go into a whole different world altogether and I lose track of time, date and surrounding totally. Day dreaming I suppose. But very vividly, and it completely transports me somewhere else and I don't have ANY idea of what happened say for example, just then and right infront of me.
Honestly I am beggining to worry myself.
You know, I've realised I have so much of pain and anger and sadness buried inside me... life is not too complicated these days and I can see these emotions resurface and bubbling... the tip of the iceberg maybe... in any case, if I stop fighting, even to catch my breath I just know it will take me down deep with it, a world of dark depression and a cursed solitude.
I miss my old friends, I miss the familiarity... I keep having nagging feelings the world's moving on without me. Childish I know, but I wish I could just place a single finger and make it stop rotating, and spin on my terms... Just a day, on my terms...
Is it worth it? Has the years of friendship been worth it? Will it last? Does it matter? Why... why do I care?
There's two nagging feelings of 'unfinished business' and 'silk binds that are fast unravelling' I keep worrying about... Him and Her! Hehehe... two very special (under normal circumstances) people... with whom I feel a distance growing...
I guess relationships change with time, and everything..."yadi yadi yaa" "bla bla bla" but... I don't know I guess with one of them, I might be expecting no wait, hoping for too much... There's a fine line seperating friendship and the dangerzone - once you cross the line -- things will never be the same...
Oh there are some things in life you can never stop regretting...

Noted.

I watched Holiday today. And I am that desperate single woman in need of a home exchange. I seriously need fresh scenery... in the life department.
I want to live a meaningful life and everything around me is so insignificant and pointless. I feel like the littlest thing in the room and I absolutely mean nothing to anyone and anything.
I don't know what I'm thinking. One minute I definitely don't want to date... I know I don't want to date Maldivians any more.. The next I do definitely want to date and especially with V day coming up the old I HATE THE WORLD syndrome is growing stronger and stronger...

THE FUCKED UP EX'S TECHNIQUE
Step One Say 'HI'
Step Two Act innocent and be the good one
Step Three Bring someone else into the picture
Step Four Get them to talk shit and do your dirty work
Step Five Making the VICTIM feel helpless/worthless/needy
Step Six Act like both the Hero and the Saviour
PATAS! YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANT!!!
Step Seven *reverse psychology* When things go wrong again,
remind the victim how much they owe you loyalty for
saving them.

Movie eh balailee yo

Yesterday me and my new partz *hi five, low five, side five* :P and some other jokers went to a movie yesterday which featured --> BRAD PITT... *orgasmic sighs* but he was seriously not so good in it...
The movie was a bit graphic, starting off with masturbating scenes and stuff but if you consider the movie as a whole, I liked it in a way. It was shot in four different continents, showing how lives are interconnected (not necessarily in the same time period by the way) over one single 'accident'.
The thing I appreciated most about the movie is that it is the clearest depiction of human desperation I've watched in a movie. The child; blaming everyone around him...lying and scared. The deaf girl who needs to know that she too can be desired...
I mean, maybe it was sick for some people to see the woman who was shot, trying to pee while her husband helped her...and he kissed her afterwards. But to her the world would have been ending, she had no guarantee she would breathe for very long. She was in the most undignified position imaginable. Women preen, we all glory in making ourseleves look pretty... it would be heartbreaking to actually have to die in such humiliation. In essence, by kissing her and expressing love and desire, her husband is giving her courage to stop fighting. Anyone would need that... need to feel like they are still human, still lovable... in the worst of conditions...
Proof enough ha...
Like everyone was a bit 'what a slut' with the Jap girl in the movie... but think about it, you're deaf and can't communicate properly. In this sort of superficial world, it wouldn't be easy to be left out and stagger behind. To see every one of your friends be loved would be hard... to see even your deaf counterparts would wreck your self esteem and break your heart. I know a lot of girls who have taken nearly the same measures to reassure themselves that they are desirable. And these a beautiful normal girls I'm talking about. How different would life be with a handicapp?
Hm.. Just made me think you know...about desperate times in my life... One time I remember throwing up constantly and there was this person who was helping me out as in like rubbing my back and so on and telling me that person cares and it'll be okay and hugging me afer wards coz I was soo 'dead' ... heheh thats the sort of thing that makes you realise how genuine people can be... Then a time I had fever and my best friend literally fed me and all...
That's friendship. That's caring. I was desperate...
Proving that humans really do need humans...

Sceneryyyyyy

The view from my room... in Mont Kiara



The view from my balcony...


The pool!!!!

The woes... the woes...

OBS can ruin lives.

I'm serious. People need to seek help for this sort of thing. Whether it's the fact that you cannot tolerate fingerprints on your dressingtable and polish it 24/7 or whether you cannot help your self from calling your adult daughter every once an hour, whether you cannot help but constantly imagine your girlfriend humping some other homo sapien (or not?).

Take a break! Have a kitkat...

People need to chill out and live / let live... Without suffocating those around them. Do not monopolize on the O2 you freaks!!!!!

Frustration, haththahaaves FRUSTRATION!
Churaaliyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

An individual face is capable of more than 10, 000 combinations of expression

And all of them end here. :P
Ive been having a great time in MY, feeling independant but not like in UK when I was totally insecure and scared.
Its like, not unfamiliar... and I've been through the process already so yeah, that comfort is there too. Besides Malaysia is a great place to live, and I've got dhivehi friends around to make me feel at home too, and I have my sis to cry to too... heheh it's all very good...
Studies are fun too, I'm doing this program which prepares me for LLB (starting Jan 2008) and it's 70% coursework and 30% exams. This means, no stress and plenty of time to integrate into the place... :D Meeting people, doing projects with them, building up confidence via the many many presentations and a chance to be creative too. Perfect for me, really.
I'm not going out much unless it's pool time after school and that too is just to get to know my classmates (local and otherwise) better... I did go to Savanh one night and met one damn hot Iranian and French guy... Went on a DD with the frenchie and his buddy Pierre too... was fun :)
I'm done dating Maldivians by the way. :/ It's heartbreak plus HUMILIATION. My last try ended up with so much disappointment, I don't know where to begin anymore. So the current plan is to start anew, and afar... and re-do...
I have a loaaaaaaaaaaaaabi pool in my new home too... hurey adhi up kollaanan nice pix kolheh ves :)
Life has the same old shit revolving though, but for now Ive got some awesome distractions... speaking of which, it's TGI FRIDAY!!!! Hehehehe, what the hell am I doing home right?!!! Off for a movie with mates...
I don't want to live in Maldives anymore either. Anywhere but there.

Chenkiyu

First of all, I had an amazing birthday during which I stayed home... caught a noon movie with my aunt and 2 friends... and had dinner at Mum's house... and stayed home a bit more! Hehehe, no no sarcasm there, it was peaceful and pleasant...
I feel toned down and it suited me perfectly, coz I got time to reflect and enjoy myself and really chill out...
The people I adore most therein one called :D and exactly on time too, way to go - you were the first among friends and really impressed me ;)
As for the other one... well I miss her so much but there's been this distance growing between us and I don't understand quite why. I respect her space but I'd really like to know whats going wrong, I'd like to hear from her once in a while... and I'd love to hear her voice on my birthday :(... which didn't happen of course... it's just that I'm having a personal crisis only she can understand and only she can give me support through... and I feel like I lost my rock and I'm just drifting away!
Family was around and those not around called and I heard the prettiest rendition of Happy Bday ever from my baby sis... :D
My friends in Malay were soooo sweet too :)
All in all, I had positive people around me and it was a great vibe all the way, and I couldn't be happier...
Thanks everyone, for making it great

MY ideal bday cake :p

It's just another day, but who knows?

It's only half an hour to my birthday...
And I just wanna declare there are 2 things I want to happen on my birthday... that's being wished by my two most favourite people in the world...
And there are two gifts I'm looking forward to; a new guitar, and going home in March (Insha Allah) specifically to spend time with some special people ^-^
But what will disappoint me most, will be being forgotten... :(
Coz I love my friends a lot, and big pressies don't hold as much value as the thought... I don't like expensive gifts (the guitar and the trip can be explained, believe me :P) ... well, I know I'd rather have a handmade card, or picked out flower even, anything personal is special... A call made from home just to say you care... you know?
Yeah...
Hehhee... This is my wish list this year...
Love you all...
Will update on what actually happened :)

I don't like the LOST series.

The first thing we learn, from the moment that we open our eyes and take our very first breath... is that there is very little in this constantly changing world that we can control...

If there is anything at all...

It frustrates me so much, from time to time I tense up and start tearing my hair out before I gradually cool down, sit tight and take a 'chill pill' so to speak. It's hard to accept these kinds of defeat don't you think? It's hard when the solution formulae is so fucking easy, so simply and sweet... and you are absolutely powerless when it comes to implementing it and making it a part of reality.

Why do I exist? Just a specimen from billions around the globe... do I have a purpose? Do any of us have any purpose? We can't control our own destinies, what can we even hope to achieve. And what do these eagerly declared 'acheivements' really mean? Is there any glory to things we can't explain, understand or control?

I just wish... I could take some things and sort them out... I know how to... I just can't. And this feeling of hopelessness seems to outweigh any other of these so called achievements yada yada. There are so many people I'd like to see happy, so many flaws I'd like to see fixed...so many problems I wish I could solve.

I wish I could stop the world from changing so fast. From people changing so fast. I think people can outgrow people you know. Specially if you've been through a lot together... you either stick together for life, or run like hell because you can't stand to be reminded of the past, of your pain, of your weakness.

Still, if you're the one being left behind all alone... what if thats the case? I don't know... I just feel really lost... doesn't help that I'm far away... I just feel like I'm loosing something (dunno what exactly), that the bonds I cherish so much are fading... and I don't know what I'm doing or how/if I can prevent it... I feel so damn detached. I know I know, stage that comes with moving out for studies... but still... this pain goes pretty deep. Maybe because old wounds are still fresh ...

I just wish I wasn't so lost.

Addiction to Abuse

Maybe abuse is addictive because of the abuser not the abusee... As in person A convinces person B by means of manipulation and mindplay, that abuse itself is the one true expression of love and affection, when in reality it is not.

This game continues till even the most educated person; a well rounded, sensibl, responsible individual, is now fully confused about his / her own beliefs and boundaries.

It is made possible not because of a weakness, or stupidity but because person b has already been trusted Person B so much (achieved via false play involving extravagance and great amounts of attention) , the damage is already done... trust is where is stems... and that is what person A is playing with... Person B may be a strong person but the trust is a vulnerability that perhaps was forgone unknowingly...

The real question for me atleast is why Person A actually does this, uses Person B. One likely possibility is that Person A believes, from the bottom of his / her heart that he / she / it / they :P deserve this I dunno... hm... DIVINE amount of attention, and they are truly totally selfish... maybe they feel the only way they can protect and maintain Person B is by making B abide to all of their rules all the time, totally forgetting that B is a person of his / her own and has a right to their lives.

That's more on the emotional aspect of it though. I personally find it hard to believe how you can sooooo totally lose your temper that you can't see what you are inflicting on the person infront of them. How could one person be so blind, so deaf, so cruel... so blatantly?

One is that if its socially the norm then the person has no idea what he / she is doing is wrong... this is all because the Abuser is conditioned to believe that what he / she is doing to Person B is what that person deserves - a duty perhaps to Person A... or a higher power... whatever.

I can rationalise the actions and words even more but personally I fail to see how it's right, how it could be forgiven even... I could never live with my self should I make my own children bleed. Much less a stranger... people I chose to bring into my life (like lovers) either.

I'm not dramatizing a slap administered in a fit of fury but rather, punch after punch and blow after blow... with tools, barehands and more... that really is inhuman. And there is nothing any one could do or say to deserve such treatment. Except perhaps to do the same.

Almost forgot - 2007

Happy New Year - friends, family, aquaintances, fellow boggu-ers... :D

I'm celebrating another new year out of Maldives. Yea yea, :P. Varah foohi is the vey but what is the me is the gonna do. Is the no choice la.
Am in Malay, KL ... and it wasn't a total loss don't get me wrong...had lavish dinner and danced the night away in Hilton/Meridan. Was quite okay aslu.. good company, good food, good drinks, good music... missed a lot of people though, very much. Was good to know they were having fun!

(Wichout Me. WAAAAH!)

Celeb spot : VJ Asha and some other Chann V people. Didn't affect ma life though. Sigh!!!! Why does my Mom, who has no idea who the hell Aish Rai is or say Dino Morea is have to land up with Jon Abraham. I mean, seriously... fucking no fair... I'm the one who is obsessed with the dude :( (well no, but he's got one hekkuva hot ass :D )

Cha chao guys. May '07 be better, I don't see how, but hey, maybe the fates have been just playing with ya all ya life and this time its all gonna be outstanding. HAH! :P ... Bless you, and seriously hope everyone gets their taste of success and smiles...

Profound Conversations VS Utter Gibberish

I was talking to a friend this morning... and we were talking about beautiful people and beautiful relationships and how some times they aren't really enough... and we got to talking about the other side of the story...

The person who ends up being disillusioned and hurt while the other person is still discovering him or herself... soul searching so to speak. Does it make the pain any easier to know what to expect... ?

Maybe we can prevent our selves from expecting happiness, but can we ever stop ourselves from hoping? If we need to protect our selves from being hurt and the risk really lies in hoping, can we isolate ourselves from feeling anything beautiful and still keep on living?

I think... that given the right scenario... I might just go ahead with the journey... knowing the most likely outcome, not particularly expecting any dreams to flower ahead... of course there is a glimmer or two of hope, because you can't really help that, but you're trying to simply enjoy the moment and not think about the future. And you just 'hope' again, that when the moment is over, its swift and painless and as clean as possible.

Like a flame... you're not quite sure why it's alight but it is... because someone decided it's time to be... and you can cover it but still sooner or later it's bound to burn out... be it a lack of fuel, a gust of wind, soaked by water; it will die... and it probably will leave a scar, or a burn, or a stain even... but there's no telling how strong the mark will be... and what exactly it will change. And maybe that's not what we should concentrate on... maybe we should enjoy the light and the warmth and the beauty and take comfort in the memory of it; rather than focus on what could happen to it and what would follow... but we should be prepared for the cold, the emptiness and the darkness all the same.

If it's inevitable why fight it? Maybe you feel it's worth fighting for but maybe you'll just end up the naive fool. Sometimes silence is golden. Not very rewarding but still strong protection. Go along with the flow, you know it can't destroy you either way - kind of philosophy going there.


And I've been blabbering too much again.

Movie jogs memory

From the character Beverly Clark played by actress Susan Sarandon in the movie 'Shall We Dance?' is a quote that comes across to me as somewhat profound but at the same time very simple and possibly believeable...
Why people get married...
Why people can't enjoy being single.. (actually, why I cannot maybe)
Why people need children...
Suffice to me, from my point of view, but then again everyone is supposed to be diffent ha... I don't know, seems to me that everyones pretty much the same when you come down to it, so this could very well be a universal truth with a percentae of DENIAL involved. Or the other way around. Maybe.
So she goes...when questioned by the Detective on why people get married...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

Pretty. It is entirely too possible I've blogged about this before, but hey I can slip up now and then (or even all the time, who's to complain huh???) Anyways... I liked this bit and suddenly for some reason watching the movie just now gave me this little sense of comfort during what I would call a really confusing, upsetting and scary period in my life...

What upsets me is still a reality in my life... And I don't know if I'm ever gonna be over the whole scenario but hey, I'ma be okay... I think. I know I seem a lot more okay than I am to the people around me. Hell, I deserve a fuckin oscar.

You don't have to bleed to hurt ha, that's all I gotta say now.