A Tear

For the past few months I've had a dilemma, no wait crisis, of major proportions. It may sound pretty silly to some, but it's actually sort of quite creepy. More to the point though - I can squeeze my eyes tight right back into the sockets... glare at onions being chopped, slice and diced... I've watched a marathon of tear inducing, supposedly heart wrenching movies and poured over half a dozen books of similar genre... practically hypnotized myself listening to sappy, sad, cheesy, corny love songs... - Yet me, who was once infamous for emotional bawling and a overly sensitive nature didn't and actually couldn't shed a single tear.
So what's the problem? No I'm not some sort of messed up cruel fucked up little shit head (at least I'd like to think not) and I really felt for each and every character I saw on screen or read about... It's not that my life ain't affecting me either. I've just started to turn to stone or something of the like.

Messenger Plus! Chat Log
Session Start: Friday, April 20, 2007
[After much talk]
(12:50 AM) [CENSORED]: wen ppl don't cry they loose the humanity in them n become heartless

Truer words have never been spoken. I've just been likened to rotten cabbage or worse by someone who I have loved, and truly cared for and was somewhat exceptional to all the barriers I put up. The first person I have just simply managed to toss open the perhaps not so pearly white gates to 'Rai-gri La' and... yeah I really feel like shit. I've spoken about it in prose, told friends in bits and pieces, spoken from theoretical perspectives and at a fairly neutral I'm-clearly-trying-my-best-to-remain-emotionally-uninvolved-but-its-all-fucked-up standpoint...but I haven't been able to really sit down and cry.
Like I've got some sorta glass ceiling erected that I can't hammer down. And it's actually getting visibly thicker and thicker and I can't do nothing about it. Almost a good thing, in a way it's steadfast protection.
And it scares me. Its scaring me that I'll never be that person again. I'll never feel that sorta pain maybe, but not the satisfaction either. I'm so caged in that I can't even shed a single tear when I'm all alone. Have I lost touch of myself so completely. I know I've never been this hurt before because when you stand stark naked in broad daylight and the privileged present actually have the nerve to reject you, the icy poison that releases burns further in than you could have imagined...and yet as the flesh hangs loosely over my charred skeletal frame and the maggots have begun to infest on my rotting carcass, yet even then, not a single tear has escaped it's confinement.
And that's saddest part to this.