Is everyone just fooling me, and shit?
Is this life or am I in a MATRIX?
Hathahaaves - SUVAALU
My mirror...it broke...
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Reflect you say? Fuck it, it just messes me up man, big time...
If only I could turn back time... say what I still hide...
What good would it do really, the more I think about it - our fate is final, more or less what would have happened anyway.
'What if' is an infection that grows within you and the more you question, the more vulnerable you are, the easier you break down.
So let the past lie...
And history repeat itself?
Contradictions exist in every part of our lives...
I am in a relationship with someone I barely know, for reasons I cannot comprehend and it is clear to me that the emotions I project to him exist merely on the surface, none of this is real... it is not a relationship and it is pointless, and there is absolutely no future in it. I guess even in pretense it's the idea of being loved and thought of that I cannot seem to let go of. Why am I fooling myself?
What in this life IS real?
Are the friendships I maintain, and new ones I develop, worth any effort? Have bitter experiences soured my judgement? Is any thing forever?
Why do all these questions still haunt me...will I ever find contentment?
Is anything I do in life ever going to be worth anything? Is all the love I feel for all the people in my life (I'm not into roses and shit, I'm not into flowery phrases and blank verses of compliments but I try to show in other less poetic ways) appreciated?
Is there a reason to live every new day? When I'm just a speck in 6 billion? Then again, do I need to be significant?
If only I could turn back time... say what I still hide...
What good would it do really, the more I think about it - our fate is final, more or less what would have happened anyway.
'What if' is an infection that grows within you and the more you question, the more vulnerable you are, the easier you break down.
So let the past lie...
And history repeat itself?
Contradictions exist in every part of our lives...
I am in a relationship with someone I barely know, for reasons I cannot comprehend and it is clear to me that the emotions I project to him exist merely on the surface, none of this is real... it is not a relationship and it is pointless, and there is absolutely no future in it. I guess even in pretense it's the idea of being loved and thought of that I cannot seem to let go of. Why am I fooling myself?
What in this life IS real?
Are the friendships I maintain, and new ones I develop, worth any effort? Have bitter experiences soured my judgement? Is any thing forever?
Why do all these questions still haunt me...will I ever find contentment?
Is anything I do in life ever going to be worth anything? Is all the love I feel for all the people in my life (I'm not into roses and shit, I'm not into flowery phrases and blank verses of compliments but I try to show in other less poetic ways) appreciated?
Is there a reason to live every new day? When I'm just a speck in 6 billion? Then again, do I need to be significant?
Off the top of my head, right before I doze off.
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Arey, mein India nehi hoon! GRRRRRR…
I was *ahem* approached by this bohote hot guy who’s half Indian half Brit yeah, and he happens to ask the one question I hate most!
‘Indian or Pakistani?’
‘NEHI. Maldivian hoon!’
Balaa eh sahaadheh mi bunee…
It’s nice to be settling down in Bristol, meeting Bristolians and socialising… getting to know the place and where to go and what not. Still, I long to be on home ground, on the islands I grew up in and despite the screwed up life, I had learned to love so tenderly. Corny (by god!) and melodramatic too but yeah if you’ve lived away from your family abroad in a foreign land you know what I’m talking about.
What you cannot have, you desire even more – you know? You realise what you have, once you’ve lost it. Snow’s pretty but doesn’t take you very long to get sick of it and I have never and will never get enough of the sand and the sun.
Besides partying to celebrate Arl becoming ‘legal’ and an ‘adult’…and though I got to miss half my classes with one meeting and another (watched Chaucer in Stratford’s mightily posh theatre – magnificently hilarious, I was pissing myself!), the weeks been not too great. This will sound rather shallow and shit but the thing is the guy in my life just became more important kulli akah neyngi hutta…I’m falling or have fallen, not too sure…
He chooses to ignore me, and I have a challenge fetish so it draws me closer and tighter. Pretty smart tactic if you think about it, but I have a feeling long distance is wearing him out (poor lad) and the ignoring me bit is somewhat intentional. Anehhen we haven’t had the time to bond and love before separation to two continents so…it’s hard. It’s hard anyways but this complicates matters further. Back to the point, I’m in this godforsaken country freezing my arse off dreaming of days when we’ll meet; planning romantic escapades to deserted islands (quite possible if you have cool parents and live in Maldives), just a coffee and chill, candle light dinners at home, introducing him to my wacko family and their slightly eccentric ways, just spending quality time together basically.
I had doubts from the beginning; after all it seemed too good to be true. So I played cool and fun, no expectations – nothing. Thing is I actually want this now but hithu therey ingey that I was right then and I am right at present too. HALP.
‘Mera ek sapna hain
Ki dheko thuje sapno main
Thumaane naamaanai
Hai thuhi mere apno main
Ho dhadkan sa chalta hain
Ye kaisa rishta hain’
(My OLD favie by : Kumar Sanu – And before anyone starts prattling about how crappy Hindi music is and how katu it is to listen to it, there is nothing wrong with listening to Indian music, it’s music and an art! Ehenya, ehen kiyaa ulhey aalaathun listen to Rasta, Spanish or German e.g. Rammstein, so I would like to put forward an argument about how this becomes inferior because Indian culture is surely far richer and more long lived!)
S.O.W. (the abbreviation is - speaking of which, not the cow my dears) I found two other classics I used to boogie my ass off to when I was around say, 2 – Achy Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus), Informer (Snow) and Lambada (Samba)! Sudden thought : magey dharieh eh bodu vaanee Eheelun kahai etchehi adu ahamun dho :D
Shake Banana
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The biggest complaint on campus definitely is having to wake up and drag ourselves across the greens to the Dining Hall in the freezing cold. We barely if ever manage to make it there before 8:05 for registration and almost always end up having to register at 7:30 as punishment. This leaves us with less than 20 minutes for brekkie in any case and to avoid our tums interrupting class with embarassing rumbling noises and to avoid utter starvation we have developed the art of banana thieving from the cafeteria so ravage back in our rooms as we rummage around for our books, files etc in preparation to class.
The three most common methods of stealing fruit (banana being the favourite by far) are for one, slipping into the sleeve of your jumper/jacket/coat (might end up having a slightly disfigured elbow…ahem….) or into your hoodie or pocket. The other way to go about it is to let it hook over your shoulder/neck and cover up with a mane of hair. Last but not least is what I call the ‘Jordan’ technique and involves hooking a banana under your boobs or if apples and oranges, well you can guess where. I’m serious. People actually do this when very hungry. I know, how hungry could you be to be so desperate dho? I prefer waking up early – personally I cannot walk around with fruits clonking away in my clothes or worse, undies (I cannot begin to comprehend how absolutely unhygienic that is, simply ewwwww)!
Pleasantries aside, I’m quite sick of Coll now, and I can’t wait for ½ term, seems like it’s going to be pretty eventful ingey, but lets not count my chickies before they ‘wah wah’ or rather, ‘cluck cluck’ in this situation… (Random I know, but you ought to be used to this shit by now)
I decided another short (SHORT) list of what I want in a guy and boils down to; intelligent, witty, attractive, assertive, tough, ambitious... understanding, patient, honest, caring and somewhat protective.
Oh dear… I fear it still lacketh the essence of reality by a crumb or two. Fuck who cares, he’s MY dream man (mine, mine and only mine - muahahahahahahaaaa)! And we all have the right to dream, haina?
Went to watch Canterbury Tales today, hee hee halaaku vi sahaadheh mi bunee, I was PISSING myself. A touch too crude maybe but hell, it was funny. So different from the last play I saw, which was a one man production called Private Peaceful. Me got to miss a day of school so that totally rocked. I’ll miss next Wednesday vess for a business project thing so it looks like a good week, this weekend we got a cool bday bash to look forward to as well. Hurray!
Ah…9 more days of nicking food and I can go home and eat in peace. *Whewww* Home is such a relative term ainnit? 6 months ago there’s no bloody way UK could be home.
The three most common methods of stealing fruit (banana being the favourite by far) are for one, slipping into the sleeve of your jumper/jacket/coat (might end up having a slightly disfigured elbow…ahem….) or into your hoodie or pocket. The other way to go about it is to let it hook over your shoulder/neck and cover up with a mane of hair. Last but not least is what I call the ‘Jordan’ technique and involves hooking a banana under your boobs or if apples and oranges, well you can guess where. I’m serious. People actually do this when very hungry. I know, how hungry could you be to be so desperate dho? I prefer waking up early – personally I cannot walk around with fruits clonking away in my clothes or worse, undies (I cannot begin to comprehend how absolutely unhygienic that is, simply ewwwww)!
Pleasantries aside, I’m quite sick of Coll now, and I can’t wait for ½ term, seems like it’s going to be pretty eventful ingey, but lets not count my chickies before they ‘wah wah’ or rather, ‘cluck cluck’ in this situation… (Random I know, but you ought to be used to this shit by now)
I decided another short (SHORT) list of what I want in a guy and boils down to; intelligent, witty, attractive, assertive, tough, ambitious... understanding, patient, honest, caring and somewhat protective.
Oh dear… I fear it still lacketh the essence of reality by a crumb or two. Fuck who cares, he’s MY dream man (mine, mine and only mine - muahahahahahahaaaa)! And we all have the right to dream, haina?
Went to watch Canterbury Tales today, hee hee halaaku vi sahaadheh mi bunee, I was PISSING myself. A touch too crude maybe but hell, it was funny. So different from the last play I saw, which was a one man production called Private Peaceful. Me got to miss a day of school so that totally rocked. I’ll miss next Wednesday vess for a business project thing so it looks like a good week, this weekend we got a cool bday bash to look forward to as well. Hurray!
Ah…9 more days of nicking food and I can go home and eat in peace. *Whewww* Home is such a relative term ainnit? 6 months ago there’s no bloody way UK could be home.
Ooh la la!
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Oooh la la!
Oui, zere iz no place like ze Paris!
Dropping the hideous accent though, I still maintain my disposition…there is something magical about France and Paris is a city in a class of its own.
This weekend I had the pleasure of going to an E.U. themed conference *snore, snore* in Paris *sit up straight, sleep forgotten* and it was worth it…
My French is awful I discovered, and I could barely order a croissant, nevertheless I stuffed myself with escargots, cuisses de grenouille, moules-frites and crepe. Mmm, stomach rumbles loudly as the memory flashes in my mind.
Walking from the Arch De Triomphe and down Champs Elysées in my mind flashed half a dozen novels I’ve read from Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, Chocolat, by Joanne Harris to Perfume by Patrick Süskind and I just couldn’t believe I was actually in Paris. Dream come true…
Delicatessen, Ma Vie en rose, Cyrano de Bergerac are must see French movies by the way.
Whilst on the movie topic I have to say Moulin Rouge took my breath away – it’s sexy, it’s classy and it’s a once in a life time experience… Was such a laugh walking down the street to get there…museum of sex, sexodrome? Only in Paris ma cherie, only in Paris!I have been seduced by France…
Mona Lisa… is beyond description as is the entire Louvre and I shall not even begin on the topic
. Just go there some day, and see it for yourself and you will know what I mean…La Tour Eiffel… *sigh* at sunrise is breathtaking, sunset is gorgeous and sparkling at night is glorious…
Quite depressing not having mon amor around and all but still, it’s the city of the people, the city of love, the city of light. Inspiration everywhere… a world of art and I really wish I could be reborn to the glory days… how very wonderful that must be…ah well autres temps, autres moeurs.
I could go on and on, but I shall stop now and finish writing up these post cards.
Au revoire!
Very corny story I wrote when bored in Coll
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I close my eyes as he moves closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of his breath as he leans further in. I place my hand on his chest, his heart beat synchronising with mine, faster and faster. My fingers explore and move towards his neck, drawing him closer and closer…
I open my eyes and the chimera dissolves into cold, harsh reality. I’m desperate for change, my soul is starving for some truth. Every moment I look into those eyes I fall more and more into the unfathomable pit hole of love. I can’t live with or without him, but he doesn’t have a clue. Tell me, how do I choose between the pain of an unrequited love and of being so detached from your being?
He grins and balances the guitar on his thighs, and runs a long slender finger along a single fret. His tongue slides and moistens his full lips and by instinct I imitate the gesture, running my tongue along mine. He smiles again, his dimple more prominent and giving his that sexy boyish effect, slightly purses his lips together and begins to whistle a tune, tapping his feet to a beat. One, two, one. Swinging the magnificent instrument around him he stands tall, a good two feet taller than me, and hums a seductive soft melody. He strums each chord expertly; he’s done this every day of his life. He plucks each string one after the other perfectly in rhythm with a passion. The notes form the song composed by my heart that plays in my soul every time his gaze locks with mine, just as he’s doing now.
His rich baritone touches my senses in a way that words cannot do justice to, evoking feelings in me I never knew I possessed. I wonder whether he knows that his gentle serenade is breaking down every barrier and pummelling through my walls. He’s inside me, filling me with a love that shall never be mine.
I plead to him, my eyes glistening with tears, please stop this agony. Don’t lie to me; don’t pretend to feel things that you clearly don’t. Don’t play around, that’s my heart you just tore into a million little pieces.
A sudden spurt of confidence prompts me to face forward and look him in the eye. The ardour so apparent in my expression I think surprises him at first, but he recovers quickly and winks mischievously. I begin to wonder whether he noticed anything or not.
‘The next song’s for my baby’, the tune transforms into one more evocative and the words seem be derived from the very core of his soul. ‘Every evening I leave just to see that smile. She’s draped in the softest blue silk and the winds playing with her hair. Beauteous, silken hair and sparkling, seductive eyes…No, you’re a mystery, a sensation. Every time I see a desire to touch you deepens, just to feel the perfection that is you…’
I turn away, the heat rising in my face. What is he talking about? Surely, no, it couldn’t be me… could it? Impossible... he’s teasing me again. Furious with myself for reacting so violently, I stood up, turned around and began to walk away. A strong hand grabs me. Is it him?
‘You’re robbing me of my sleep, reoccurring in my thoughts. My soul feel’s rigid; I can feel my patience running out. I can’t erase the thought of you from my mind, you’re name’s become engraved in my heart. Searched the worlds but in vain, to find a match to your beauty’
It’s another man, standing by the bar. I blush vehemently, oh how could I let my thoughts wander like that! I snatch my hand away, scowling but the man stares ahead and points. Curious now, I turn back. He was standing, arms outstretched, a rose resting in his open left palm. ‘I love you too’ he whispers. I hadn’t even noticed the music stopped. No cocky grin this time, and the sincerity reflected in his almost blank expressionless face, was seduction beyond any I’d ever experienced. The hairs stood upright at the back of my neck.
‘No, No, you’re a mystery, a sensation. When you look at me you fill my mind, body and soul with a blissful happiness that is far beyond any measure or description…’
Through no will of my own, my legs begin moving, and I’m running faster and faster but instead of flinging myself into his embrace I halt and his arms drop to his sides. I wish I had more courage but I just stood there frozen, not knowing my next move. Slowly he tucks the rose behind my right ear, and runs his fingers delicately through my hair, leans forward and brushes his lips against my forehead. ‘Silk…’
I close my eyes as he moves closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of his breath as he leans further in. I place my hand on his chest, his heart beat synchronising with mine, faster and faster. My fingers explore and move towards his neck, drawing him closer and closer…
This time I don’t wake up. This time it doesn’t stop. Time stops… the world ceases to exist, it’s just him and me. My dream came true at last, at last! It’s more beautiful than I could ever have imagined… far beyond any measure or description.
I open my eyes and the chimera dissolves into cold, harsh reality. I’m desperate for change, my soul is starving for some truth. Every moment I look into those eyes I fall more and more into the unfathomable pit hole of love. I can’t live with or without him, but he doesn’t have a clue. Tell me, how do I choose between the pain of an unrequited love and of being so detached from your being?
He grins and balances the guitar on his thighs, and runs a long slender finger along a single fret. His tongue slides and moistens his full lips and by instinct I imitate the gesture, running my tongue along mine. He smiles again, his dimple more prominent and giving his that sexy boyish effect, slightly purses his lips together and begins to whistle a tune, tapping his feet to a beat. One, two, one. Swinging the magnificent instrument around him he stands tall, a good two feet taller than me, and hums a seductive soft melody. He strums each chord expertly; he’s done this every day of his life. He plucks each string one after the other perfectly in rhythm with a passion. The notes form the song composed by my heart that plays in my soul every time his gaze locks with mine, just as he’s doing now.
His rich baritone touches my senses in a way that words cannot do justice to, evoking feelings in me I never knew I possessed. I wonder whether he knows that his gentle serenade is breaking down every barrier and pummelling through my walls. He’s inside me, filling me with a love that shall never be mine.
I plead to him, my eyes glistening with tears, please stop this agony. Don’t lie to me; don’t pretend to feel things that you clearly don’t. Don’t play around, that’s my heart you just tore into a million little pieces.
A sudden spurt of confidence prompts me to face forward and look him in the eye. The ardour so apparent in my expression I think surprises him at first, but he recovers quickly and winks mischievously. I begin to wonder whether he noticed anything or not.
‘The next song’s for my baby’, the tune transforms into one more evocative and the words seem be derived from the very core of his soul. ‘Every evening I leave just to see that smile. She’s draped in the softest blue silk and the winds playing with her hair. Beauteous, silken hair and sparkling, seductive eyes…No, you’re a mystery, a sensation. Every time I see a desire to touch you deepens, just to feel the perfection that is you…’
I turn away, the heat rising in my face. What is he talking about? Surely, no, it couldn’t be me… could it? Impossible... he’s teasing me again. Furious with myself for reacting so violently, I stood up, turned around and began to walk away. A strong hand grabs me. Is it him?
‘You’re robbing me of my sleep, reoccurring in my thoughts. My soul feel’s rigid; I can feel my patience running out. I can’t erase the thought of you from my mind, you’re name’s become engraved in my heart. Searched the worlds but in vain, to find a match to your beauty’
It’s another man, standing by the bar. I blush vehemently, oh how could I let my thoughts wander like that! I snatch my hand away, scowling but the man stares ahead and points. Curious now, I turn back. He was standing, arms outstretched, a rose resting in his open left palm. ‘I love you too’ he whispers. I hadn’t even noticed the music stopped. No cocky grin this time, and the sincerity reflected in his almost blank expressionless face, was seduction beyond any I’d ever experienced. The hairs stood upright at the back of my neck.
‘No, No, you’re a mystery, a sensation. When you look at me you fill my mind, body and soul with a blissful happiness that is far beyond any measure or description…’
Through no will of my own, my legs begin moving, and I’m running faster and faster but instead of flinging myself into his embrace I halt and his arms drop to his sides. I wish I had more courage but I just stood there frozen, not knowing my next move. Slowly he tucks the rose behind my right ear, and runs his fingers delicately through my hair, leans forward and brushes his lips against my forehead. ‘Silk…’
I close my eyes as he moves closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of his breath as he leans further in. I place my hand on his chest, his heart beat synchronising with mine, faster and faster. My fingers explore and move towards his neck, drawing him closer and closer…
This time I don’t wake up. This time it doesn’t stop. Time stops… the world ceases to exist, it’s just him and me. My dream came true at last, at last! It’s more beautiful than I could ever have imagined… far beyond any measure or description.
Slightly out-dated...
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Stupid school disables anything to do with blogs...what a pity, you can learn so much from them noontha? Atleast, I think so and so, unless I make another one at some wierd chinese site I can only blog once in a while... :( but, I have decided to remain loyal to my blog and thus... here follows my entry for 12th Jan following into the 13th...
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…In anticipation to Friday the 13th.
Damn I get irritated when people fucking patronise me for being so young. I don’t feel like 'just a teen', I’m sure I don’t think like 'just a teen' and to the majority I don’t even look like 'just a teen', most of the time I don’t behave like 'just a teen' - come on we all have to let loose and be silly once in a while. I don’t pretend to know every fucking thing but I’m not stupid and I do not like being treated as though I am. Whew! Good to chuck all ma negativity out.
Another fucking year passed and what have I achieved? Never in my whole life have I reflected back on anything and regretted it so much. Never felt so ashamed. Disgusting year, and I though I can hardly imagine what this year has in store, I look forward to tomorrow and I’m glad that what’s past is over.
I could go on about how I’m cursed and life is just so bloody unfair but I don’t intend to feel any pity for myself. I made the wrong decisions and was blind to anything worth paying attention to and it is all my fault, better bear up and face up to the blame.
I don’t feel the need for a partner in my life right now, in reality… and I have serious doubts regarding whether I have even come across such a person in my life yet. I shouldn’t judge but seventeen is still pretty young and serious relationships are shit that will just keep holding you back from the dreams you are reaching out to.
Last year, I thought I needed a boyfriend – the perfect one, desperately. I wanted to experiment and learn at the same time. Disastrous combination really, but confusion regarding such choices sprouted from the journey to finding myself.
I still haven’t really found myself or achieve anything near to peace and contentment, and I don’t expect to for quite some time. The journey is hard, but it’s interesting and it is worth it, I have discovered.
There is a reason for every breath you draw it and every step forward or backward that you take. I haven’t figured out why, and I doubt I ever will achieve a satisfactory answer, but identifying the question and understanding it’s basis is an important thing to do, I believe.
2006… time to cook up a new batch of silly dreams and aspirations. I look forward to becoming someone I can be proud of in the future, whether it be a kick-ass high profile lawyer, or a dedicated and loved/appreciated wife at home (I despise terminology such as housewife – patronising I think). I want to educate myself and achieve academically to make my father’s dreams come true without compromising my personal beliefs and priorities.
Despite the constant daily struggle I have to fight against the religious and moral connotations constantly being imposed on me to influence me by, while still maintaining an open mind on all issues regarding diversity within people, I intend to hold very firmly to my faith. The more I learn about life, and the world the surer I become of the world I was born into.
One day, I want to be able to sit at home with a multitude of kids and partner and just feel how lucky I am to have my life, to feel really alive even if I was dying at that very moment. I want to leave this world having experienced a satisfying bond with someone special, who is my equal in every possible way, compassionate and understanding and capable of forever fascinating me and making me laugh any time of the day.
So, have I even come close to accomplishing any of the above?
Nope. Zilch. Nil. Zero. Nien. Uh uh. Uhun!!!
I’m getting there, someday I hope I do. I think I’m back on the right track, but there’s no telling (I’m told that itself is a good sign but I am pretty critical…). I have become considerably mild tempered as compared to before, a real believer in honesty and open ness, I have become more accepting of people in my life yet at the same time perhaps more wary when awarding them my full and unshakable trust.
I have started working harder in my studies, paying less or no attention to distractions and only indulging in unjustified pleasure from time to time, something like having a Snickers Bar when on a veggie diet – it’s just regenerate yourself in a way, remind yourself that life can be fun.
I can almost hear you guys asking me to elaborate on the pleasure bit, but trust its best not to go there. Hehehehe… If you’re smart, you’ll see a perfect example of what I meant/mean in the passage above… Not telling where though.
I love my friends a lot, but I cannot go to the lengths I used to prove anything the way I used to. I will always be there for them to help them out or just be the listening ear; will voice opinion rarely and that too only on request. Either they know I care or they don’t. That’s a major change I guess…
What song do I feel like right now… hmm what’s the first track in my head Jan 13th 2006?
Hindi – Bhaage Re Man / Chameli
(Last year not first but most significant – Mein Hoon Naa, Zaraa Zaraa )
English – Last Kiss, Hanging By A Moment, Heaven, No Woman No Cry
(Last year mostly dance tracks like Snake, or love songs like Rush, Rush… Sweet Child O Mine… prominently Right Here Waiting For You, Strange Relationship, Here Without You, Angel/L.R.)
Dhivehi – Eki Rey Rey…adhives ulhey Eheelun ge touch eh! Dhen…songs like Hithugaa Dhorufai Hulhuvaaladhee, Bul Bul Ehee Dhey Nuhey, Me Zaimey Adhu Loabuvethi :P :P :P
(Last Year prominently was Eheelun, Rey Otheemey, Handhuvaru Dheytho)
Disturbingly, insomnia still carried on… I guess Bulhai really was an appropriate nick name after all!
*POOF*
Happy Boithday To Me.
Magolaa kendee… take care all, and even if we are not speaking today thanks for being a part of my life. You contributed to making me who I am today dho, and since I’m still alive…not bad.
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…In anticipation to Friday the 13th.
Damn I get irritated when people fucking patronise me for being so young. I don’t feel like 'just a teen', I’m sure I don’t think like 'just a teen' and to the majority I don’t even look like 'just a teen', most of the time I don’t behave like 'just a teen' - come on we all have to let loose and be silly once in a while. I don’t pretend to know every fucking thing but I’m not stupid and I do not like being treated as though I am. Whew! Good to chuck all ma negativity out.
Another fucking year passed and what have I achieved? Never in my whole life have I reflected back on anything and regretted it so much. Never felt so ashamed. Disgusting year, and I though I can hardly imagine what this year has in store, I look forward to tomorrow and I’m glad that what’s past is over.
I could go on about how I’m cursed and life is just so bloody unfair but I don’t intend to feel any pity for myself. I made the wrong decisions and was blind to anything worth paying attention to and it is all my fault, better bear up and face up to the blame.
I don’t feel the need for a partner in my life right now, in reality… and I have serious doubts regarding whether I have even come across such a person in my life yet. I shouldn’t judge but seventeen is still pretty young and serious relationships are shit that will just keep holding you back from the dreams you are reaching out to.
Last year, I thought I needed a boyfriend – the perfect one, desperately. I wanted to experiment and learn at the same time. Disastrous combination really, but confusion regarding such choices sprouted from the journey to finding myself.
I still haven’t really found myself or achieve anything near to peace and contentment, and I don’t expect to for quite some time. The journey is hard, but it’s interesting and it is worth it, I have discovered.
There is a reason for every breath you draw it and every step forward or backward that you take. I haven’t figured out why, and I doubt I ever will achieve a satisfactory answer, but identifying the question and understanding it’s basis is an important thing to do, I believe.
2006… time to cook up a new batch of silly dreams and aspirations. I look forward to becoming someone I can be proud of in the future, whether it be a kick-ass high profile lawyer, or a dedicated and loved/appreciated wife at home (I despise terminology such as housewife – patronising I think). I want to educate myself and achieve academically to make my father’s dreams come true without compromising my personal beliefs and priorities.
Despite the constant daily struggle I have to fight against the religious and moral connotations constantly being imposed on me to influence me by, while still maintaining an open mind on all issues regarding diversity within people, I intend to hold very firmly to my faith. The more I learn about life, and the world the surer I become of the world I was born into.
One day, I want to be able to sit at home with a multitude of kids and partner and just feel how lucky I am to have my life, to feel really alive even if I was dying at that very moment. I want to leave this world having experienced a satisfying bond with someone special, who is my equal in every possible way, compassionate and understanding and capable of forever fascinating me and making me laugh any time of the day.
So, have I even come close to accomplishing any of the above?
Nope. Zilch. Nil. Zero. Nien. Uh uh. Uhun!!!
I’m getting there, someday I hope I do. I think I’m back on the right track, but there’s no telling (I’m told that itself is a good sign but I am pretty critical…). I have become considerably mild tempered as compared to before, a real believer in honesty and open ness, I have become more accepting of people in my life yet at the same time perhaps more wary when awarding them my full and unshakable trust.
I have started working harder in my studies, paying less or no attention to distractions and only indulging in unjustified pleasure from time to time, something like having a Snickers Bar when on a veggie diet – it’s just regenerate yourself in a way, remind yourself that life can be fun.
I can almost hear you guys asking me to elaborate on the pleasure bit, but trust its best not to go there. Hehehehe… If you’re smart, you’ll see a perfect example of what I meant/mean in the passage above… Not telling where though.
I love my friends a lot, but I cannot go to the lengths I used to prove anything the way I used to. I will always be there for them to help them out or just be the listening ear; will voice opinion rarely and that too only on request. Either they know I care or they don’t. That’s a major change I guess…
What song do I feel like right now… hmm what’s the first track in my head Jan 13th 2006?
Hindi – Bhaage Re Man / Chameli
(Last year not first but most significant – Mein Hoon Naa, Zaraa Zaraa )
English – Last Kiss, Hanging By A Moment, Heaven, No Woman No Cry
(Last year mostly dance tracks like Snake, or love songs like Rush, Rush… Sweet Child O Mine… prominently Right Here Waiting For You, Strange Relationship, Here Without You, Angel/L.R.)
Dhivehi – Eki Rey Rey…adhives ulhey Eheelun ge touch eh! Dhen…songs like Hithugaa Dhorufai Hulhuvaaladhee, Bul Bul Ehee Dhey Nuhey, Me Zaimey Adhu Loabuvethi :P :P :P
(Last Year prominently was Eheelun, Rey Otheemey, Handhuvaru Dheytho)
Disturbingly, insomnia still carried on… I guess Bulhai really was an appropriate nick name after all!
*POOF*
Happy Boithday To Me.
Magolaa kendee… take care all, and even if we are not speaking today thanks for being a part of my life. You contributed to making me who I am today dho, and since I’m still alive…not bad.
666 Angelic 666
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an·gel (
n
j
l)
I reckon my family and friends think that my obsession with angels (generally everything related as well, but very little of the antonym) is directly related to how pretty the illustration looks...white floaty dress, glowing halo, and the whole celestial look. Err... of course, that's what I aspire to be the saadha viley rey fai mini. :P Heck no...
Orite, rule that out. I guess you might think it's just this girly craze but you'd be wrong. Then there'd be more eh... Let's not go there. The other conclusion might be that I'm a lovesick looser. Which I do not think I could be... for reasons I'd rather not discuss....
Anyways coming to some sort of point here, I think that the whole thing is linked to my incurable perfectionism...and the purity/perfection angels inspire/represent. I ought to stop though... because aspiring to be perfect is rather arrogant in a way.
Not to mention impossible... I've got into too much shit trying to achieve it... you think you're there and then you discover that you had completely ignored something else VITAL, and then fuck you're back at step one. Bloody annoying and bloody pointless.
I sort of believe in guardian angels as well, but I think it's more of an unconcious role certain people fulfil rather than an existing being... hmm... don't think I'll bother to go into any detail on that one though... definitely not looking into the idea of my bf (sigh) being my angel oflove or any shit like that, in case you were wondering I think that's just emotional, corny bullshit.
Hm...bullshit, corny? Interesting texture that...
Anyways...drained of thought tonight... spiralling around the fact that I have been single and 'pure' for 6 months now... (goody girl :P) and how very sad that is. No brain process tonight. Adios!
PS: Calling All Angels, Angel (Shaggy viyas, Lionel viyas), How Do I Talk To An Angel, Angel Eyes - MLTR, Heaven (try accoustic version by Bryan Adams)... hot songs...
I leave you with this sweet quote:
At the same time, they were very neatly dressed, made no collection, refused the halfpence offered them; and the people around could not understand the conduct of this rustic fiddler, who tramped the roads with that pretty child who sang like an angel from Heaven.
The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux
njl) n.
1. A typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Zoroastrianism.
2. A representation of such a being conventionally in the image of a human figure with a halo and wings.
3. A guardian spirit or guiding influence.
[Middle English, from Old English engel or Old French angele, both from Late Latin angelus, from Late Greek angelos, from Greek, messenger.]
I reckon my family and friends think that my obsession with angels (generally everything related as well, but very little of the antonym) is directly related to how pretty the illustration looks...white floaty dress, glowing halo, and the whole celestial look. Err... of course, that's what I aspire to be the saadha viley rey fai mini. :P Heck no...
Orite, rule that out. I guess you might think it's just this girly craze but you'd be wrong. Then there'd be more eh... Let's not go there. The other conclusion might be that I'm a lovesick looser. Which I do not think I could be... for reasons I'd rather not discuss....
Anyways coming to some sort of point here, I think that the whole thing is linked to my incurable perfectionism...and the purity/perfection angels inspire/represent. I ought to stop though... because aspiring to be perfect is rather arrogant in a way.
Not to mention impossible... I've got into too much shit trying to achieve it... you think you're there and then you discover that you had completely ignored something else VITAL, and then fuck you're back at step one. Bloody annoying and bloody pointless.
I sort of believe in guardian angels as well, but I think it's more of an unconcious role certain people fulfil rather than an existing being... hmm... don't think I'll bother to go into any detail on that one though... definitely not looking into the idea of my bf (sigh) being my angel oflove or any shit like that, in case you were wondering I think that's just emotional, corny bullshit.
Hm...bullshit, corny? Interesting texture that...
Anyways...drained of thought tonight... spiralling around the fact that I have been single and 'pure' for 6 months now... (goody girl :P) and how very sad that is. No brain process tonight. Adios!
PS: Calling All Angels, Angel (Shaggy viyas, Lionel viyas), How Do I Talk To An Angel, Angel Eyes - MLTR, Heaven (try accoustic version by Bryan Adams)... hot songs...
I leave you with this sweet quote:
At the same time, they were very neatly dressed, made no collection, refused the halfpence offered them; and the people around could not understand the conduct of this rustic fiddler, who tramped the roads with that pretty child who sang like an angel from Heaven.
The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux
Ech.A.Pee.Pee.Wai//En.Ee.Dablu.//Wai.Ee.Ai.Ar
|
2006, and I hope it's not just the digits I find have changed. Then again as a good friend told me 'it's up to us to change'... change ourselves, and the course of destiny we take.
2005 gone... and I've seen the end of many friendships, too much hatred and too much hypocrisy all together. I've seen too much lost hope, broken hearts and spirits. Dying love and happiness... depressing taking it's place. Our batch graduated from school... into the next level of life, lost our innocence, woke up to reality....grew up in other words.
Everyone took a good beating. I was no exception. Didn't expect to be either.
I'm no poet, but the song 'I hope you dance' by Lee Ann Womack is a really good summation of how I feel right now, at least of what I'd like to say to anyone going through this particularly testing point of life, where you'r not quite an adult but you are definitely not a child either and the sort of thing I'd like my baby sis to look back on and go hmm, sis you got a point there, I won't do the idiotic things you did but sigh... that is not very realistic.
I am not quoting Britney Spears here, that woman has the complete wrong idea of maturity.
So what did I do this new year? Ey, ma huree bimaku ves noonoa! No, I wasn't high on substance either. Ma funmaalee baara jehithanaa! :D Dhen loabivaa ves gulhi gulhaafa wish ves kuri. Dhen kudhiveri govaigen ais 'I like to move it' aa 'Macarena' fadha lava thakuge barakaathun DJ jessee... fireworks ves belin... ekaku anekakah hug and ummmah ves dhinin!
Yes... 2006 does show promise. It began with a relationship (for the first time, I am not single on New Year's Day), and refreshing old friendships (polishing the gold) and additions of wonderful new friends :D ... yeah, Insha Allah, 2005 brings more laughter in my life than I've had in a long, long time.
2005 gone... and I've seen the end of many friendships, too much hatred and too much hypocrisy all together. I've seen too much lost hope, broken hearts and spirits. Dying love and happiness... depressing taking it's place. Our batch graduated from school... into the next level of life, lost our innocence, woke up to reality....grew up in other words.
Everyone took a good beating. I was no exception. Didn't expect to be either.
I'm no poet, but the song 'I hope you dance' by Lee Ann Womack is a really good summation of how I feel right now, at least of what I'd like to say to anyone going through this particularly testing point of life, where you'r not quite an adult but you are definitely not a child either and the sort of thing I'd like my baby sis to look back on and go hmm, sis you got a point there, I won't do the idiotic things you did but sigh... that is not very realistic.
I am not quoting Britney Spears here, that woman has the complete wrong idea of maturity.
So what did I do this new year? Ey, ma huree bimaku ves noonoa! No, I wasn't high on substance either. Ma funmaalee baara jehithanaa! :D Dhen loabivaa ves gulhi gulhaafa wish ves kuri. Dhen kudhiveri govaigen ais 'I like to move it' aa 'Macarena' fadha lava thakuge barakaathun DJ jessee... fireworks ves belin... ekaku anekakah hug and ummmah ves dhinin!
Yes... 2006 does show promise. It began with a relationship (for the first time, I am not single on New Year's Day), and refreshing old friendships (polishing the gold) and additions of wonderful new friends :D ... yeah, Insha Allah, 2005 brings more laughter in my life than I've had in a long, long time.
Pure Heykendi
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Aitheriiiii
Miadhaa iyye aa ma mihiree hamaga ehnoon... nooney mashaigen nethee hama ekaku ves. Konmeves eggotheh....Balaa eh kurukoh dhannavanyaa...bodu balaaeh
'Kaaku niyaavee?'
Uhun ekahala kameh noon.
'Kaaku mifaharu loaabeege jessumeh kuree?'
Eyeh ves noonoa!
Neyngunennu...
Eyey massala akee, hama egothakah ves mashakah neyngey miadhu mi vaagotheh, ma hama mihuree govaafa. Sikundeega haas suvaalu enburey... bumarekey mashekey kobaa dho thafaatheh. Eyey...
Hoon miyohgen au ahareh fesheny mashakah ufaleh ves kuraakah neyngey. Kon ufaleh...
Anehhen balanyaa hageegathuga folhen vee ingey ahama, e soru ves mi rashah annanamey kiyaa viyya. Annaaney kiyaigen fupeema naisiyyaa oa? Hiy halaaku. Kon hiy halaakeh ekamu... ihah dhuvahu fenunu golaeh...hoon, dhen mashah kihineh tha miyoh gen vanee... (loabi ey vaa etcheh noon vevey etcheh, ehenveema mashah thui nugovaa hurey ingey)
Dhen ufaleh ves nuveyo...
Ma ekamu dhera vaan vee kon kamakaa, ailaa ah vaavarah boa fathi migeyga gina vejje hama nulaahiku halaboli vefa haijaanu bodu vefa habeyhah majaa, adugadha... Hiy fureyvarah kaan libey, aneheneh masakatheh noavey, ma miulheny adhi fothegga ai jassaanulaa... meehaku kaharu vaku thundekey ves hithakah naaraane dho.
Ma vejje kuda vaan... loabi velan... ma beynumee nidhan... mamma! :( :S
Miadhaa iyye aa ma mihiree hamaga ehnoon... nooney mashaigen nethee hama ekaku ves. Konmeves eggotheh....Balaa eh kurukoh dhannavanyaa...bodu balaaeh
'Kaaku niyaavee?'
Uhun ekahala kameh noon.
'Kaaku mifaharu loaabeege jessumeh kuree?'
Eyeh ves noonoa!
Neyngunennu...
Eyey massala akee, hama egothakah ves mashakah neyngey miadhu mi vaagotheh, ma hama mihuree govaafa. Sikundeega haas suvaalu enburey... bumarekey mashekey kobaa dho thafaatheh. Eyey...
Hoon miyohgen au ahareh fesheny mashakah ufaleh ves kuraakah neyngey. Kon ufaleh...
Anehhen balanyaa hageegathuga folhen vee ingey ahama, e soru ves mi rashah annanamey kiyaa viyya. Annaaney kiyaigen fupeema naisiyyaa oa? Hiy halaaku. Kon hiy halaakeh ekamu... ihah dhuvahu fenunu golaeh...hoon, dhen mashah kihineh tha miyoh gen vanee... (loabi ey vaa etcheh noon vevey etcheh, ehenveema mashah thui nugovaa hurey ingey)
Dhen ufaleh ves nuveyo...
Ma ekamu dhera vaan vee kon kamakaa, ailaa ah vaavarah boa fathi migeyga gina vejje hama nulaahiku halaboli vefa haijaanu bodu vefa habeyhah majaa, adugadha... Hiy fureyvarah kaan libey, aneheneh masakatheh noavey, ma miulheny adhi fothegga ai jassaanulaa... meehaku kaharu vaku thundekey ves hithakah naaraane dho.
Ma vejje kuda vaan... loabi velan... ma beynumee nidhan... mamma! :( :S
In memory
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Manjekolhaa...
It's one year since you've been gone... and I still can't believe you aren't here anymore. I can't begin to explain to you how much I miss you every day... how much I wish I could speak to you again and hug you again. My 'human' diary... my savior, my partner-in-crime... and my best friend in the whole world.
You were just so so so young...... I wish it had been me and I'm not just saying empty words here. I would give anything to have you back, even for a day. I'm going to be the very same age in less than a month now. Just like you were... we had many hopes and dreams... and you had so much in life to look forward to.
You would have met the man of your dreams like we talked about so many times, I'm sure. You would have passed your finals... I would have helped you get all those A's you dreamed of. You were the sister I never had... God... why, why did you leave me...
The past year, has been so hard without you. I tried my best not to think about you. Finally, all barriers down, beaten and broken I write to you and the tears wont stop streaming down. I did so many things you would hate me for... I was so confused and messed up. I told you I wouldn't know what to do without you...
I gave it all for everyone you told me didn't deserve my friendship... I chose the bastard over the guy who had loved me for so long... everything went downhill, babe I'm sorry I did everything so wrong. Mom and me never got along... and Dad was too ashamed to talk to me. I had no one to confess to... and I needed you. I needed you to tell me everything would be fine. That I was not completely hopeless.
If you saw me today, you wouldn't recognise me... I'm not the happy, cheerful person I once was. I doubt you would like the hard, cold, broken person I have become. I'm sorry ingey so sorry... hama life mihaaru ulhey hivvareh ves nuhunnanee... you taught me to live life with arms wide open... but I can't... I've been battered down by the storms... I haven't laughed freely for such a long time...
I can no longer trust and I can no longer bring my self to express emotion. I know my own family need me... but I ... it's hard although I love them with all my heart. Or what's left of it anyway...God, haven't cried so much in a long long time.
You never met my sister, I'm so sorry I know I promised to so many times...She's gorgeous and the love of my life, you would adore her I'm sure...Atleast where ever you are, you have your sisters away. I don't know how your Mom survived the loss of three beautiful girls though... I just don't... but she is Insha Allah as strong as you were...
How I wish I had taught you to swim... I know it might have made no difference...how I wish I had said goodbye... I didn't know that the moment you stepped on that stupid boat I would never see you again. I wish I said sorry about our pointless arguments. I know you just wanted the best for me. You were so right, always about everything...
Everyone's putting a damn flower emoticon in their nick names on msn messenger today as a tribute to the Tsunami victims. I thought about but how pointless is that eh? It's not going to bring you back. Not going to change a thing. Not going to make me feel any better. Not that you will know. So why bother babe? Why?
You mother misses you so much, my mother misses you so much... I miss you more than anyone ever could. When I go to sleep I still look around for you. It doesn't feel right that we're not in the same room anymore. I miss you when I'm in the kitchen cooking everything how you taught me to... I miss you whenever I hear the songs we used 'shake our booty to' heheh... I miss you. I miss you. I need you in my life.
You were the purest, happiest, sweetest part if my life. The most wonderful person I have ever met. My guardian angel... you knew my whole life like a book, inside out... remember how we said we would write each other a biography one day... I swear, someday I will honor your memory as such. But we had so much more to write... so much more in your life to come... Why are things so unfair?
You deserved to live much more than I did. I was the bad girl, you were the saint... innocent and sin-free though older... I almost stopped praying you know. Lost direction for a while. Insh Allah, I'm patching up now. Healing takes so long... and is so painful in a million ways...
You are always in my thoughts. You are still alive in my heart. I have only one picture of the both of us... don't ask me where the rest are, you know our house... but that's more than enough. I can close my eyes and it's like you are right there infront of me. I always told you you had the prettiest hair... the most beautiful twinkling eyes and the most gorgeous smile, stunning...
You are always in my prayers. God bless...
I love you.
It's one year since you've been gone... and I still can't believe you aren't here anymore. I can't begin to explain to you how much I miss you every day... how much I wish I could speak to you again and hug you again. My 'human' diary... my savior, my partner-in-crime... and my best friend in the whole world.
You were just so so so young...... I wish it had been me and I'm not just saying empty words here. I would give anything to have you back, even for a day. I'm going to be the very same age in less than a month now. Just like you were... we had many hopes and dreams... and you had so much in life to look forward to.
You would have met the man of your dreams like we talked about so many times, I'm sure. You would have passed your finals... I would have helped you get all those A's you dreamed of. You were the sister I never had... God... why, why did you leave me...
The past year, has been so hard without you. I tried my best not to think about you. Finally, all barriers down, beaten and broken I write to you and the tears wont stop streaming down. I did so many things you would hate me for... I was so confused and messed up. I told you I wouldn't know what to do without you...
I gave it all for everyone you told me didn't deserve my friendship... I chose the bastard over the guy who had loved me for so long... everything went downhill, babe I'm sorry I did everything so wrong. Mom and me never got along... and Dad was too ashamed to talk to me. I had no one to confess to... and I needed you. I needed you to tell me everything would be fine. That I was not completely hopeless.
If you saw me today, you wouldn't recognise me... I'm not the happy, cheerful person I once was. I doubt you would like the hard, cold, broken person I have become. I'm sorry ingey so sorry... hama life mihaaru ulhey hivvareh ves nuhunnanee... you taught me to live life with arms wide open... but I can't... I've been battered down by the storms... I haven't laughed freely for such a long time...
I can no longer trust and I can no longer bring my self to express emotion. I know my own family need me... but I ... it's hard although I love them with all my heart. Or what's left of it anyway...God, haven't cried so much in a long long time.
You never met my sister, I'm so sorry I know I promised to so many times...She's gorgeous and the love of my life, you would adore her I'm sure...Atleast where ever you are, you have your sisters away. I don't know how your Mom survived the loss of three beautiful girls though... I just don't... but she is Insha Allah as strong as you were...
How I wish I had taught you to swim... I know it might have made no difference...how I wish I had said goodbye... I didn't know that the moment you stepped on that stupid boat I would never see you again. I wish I said sorry about our pointless arguments. I know you just wanted the best for me. You were so right, always about everything...
Everyone's putting a damn flower emoticon in their nick names on msn messenger today as a tribute to the Tsunami victims. I thought about but how pointless is that eh? It's not going to bring you back. Not going to change a thing. Not going to make me feel any better. Not that you will know. So why bother babe? Why?
You mother misses you so much, my mother misses you so much... I miss you more than anyone ever could. When I go to sleep I still look around for you. It doesn't feel right that we're not in the same room anymore. I miss you when I'm in the kitchen cooking everything how you taught me to... I miss you whenever I hear the songs we used 'shake our booty to' heheh... I miss you. I miss you. I need you in my life.
You were the purest, happiest, sweetest part if my life. The most wonderful person I have ever met. My guardian angel... you knew my whole life like a book, inside out... remember how we said we would write each other a biography one day... I swear, someday I will honor your memory as such. But we had so much more to write... so much more in your life to come... Why are things so unfair?
You deserved to live much more than I did. I was the bad girl, you were the saint... innocent and sin-free though older... I almost stopped praying you know. Lost direction for a while. Insh Allah, I'm patching up now. Healing takes so long... and is so painful in a million ways...
You are always in my thoughts. You are still alive in my heart. I have only one picture of the both of us... don't ask me where the rest are, you know our house... but that's more than enough. I can close my eyes and it's like you are right there infront of me. I always told you you had the prettiest hair... the most beautiful twinkling eyes and the most gorgeous smile, stunning...
You are always in my prayers. God bless...
I love you.
Music
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What most people these days don't realise that real music cannot be created from a combination of a electronic keyboard, pad set and a computer to mix it all up. What ever happened to the deletable and utterly melodies?
Slight adjustment in the embouchure of flute players lips can produce the most seductive tones, plucking strings on the right frets can feel like he's strumming your heart with his fingers, the rich tones of a trumpet can form goose bumps all over you, how an opera singer can coax tear after tear from your eyes.
Every one has experienced it... the power of music and the effect it can have on millions of people simultaneously. If I'm sounding slightly melodramatic, consider this. Musical notes, and the composition of music even in it's most complex format is the one and only universal language in existence. The way you write a musical score doesn't vary from country to country or continent to continent, and someone in Germany can perform a Japanese composition if he has the right skill and talent - no sweat.
What is most facinating about music though, I find is how it can sway your emotions. I mean, it's true, music tastes do differ but generally it brings about the exact reaction it was formulated to by the artist(s). Take the average SlipKnot song which is packed with anger and frustration to the very core, climaxing to let all the fury out with an awesome set of rolls and guitar slams... draws out these exact emotions in the millions of fans worldwide. No real explanation why.
On the other hand, the song 'A Whole New World' backed by an effective orchestral arrangement, with a good strings and wood wind selection, I'm betting would touch every audience member present. The song is one thats full of hope and joy and love... and thats exactly what it will sound like.
I seriously disagree with the religious implications people associate against the creation and performance of music performing. Although it is understandable that the typical MTV video with women gyrating all over the place may not be exactly a good influence on the society, that's not music is it? It's just the commercial corruption in the industry fueled by businessmen looking to make cash, not really interested anything musical at all.
Music is more than a practically nude girl trying to act all sexy... more than some boy sitting there looking all pretty, more than just a drumset and heavy bass (nothing against that though). I think people need to rememeber that.
Slight adjustment in the embouchure of flute players lips can produce the most seductive tones, plucking strings on the right frets can feel like he's strumming your heart with his fingers, the rich tones of a trumpet can form goose bumps all over you, how an opera singer can coax tear after tear from your eyes.
Every one has experienced it... the power of music and the effect it can have on millions of people simultaneously. If I'm sounding slightly melodramatic, consider this. Musical notes, and the composition of music even in it's most complex format is the one and only universal language in existence. The way you write a musical score doesn't vary from country to country or continent to continent, and someone in Germany can perform a Japanese composition if he has the right skill and talent - no sweat.
What is most facinating about music though, I find is how it can sway your emotions. I mean, it's true, music tastes do differ but generally it brings about the exact reaction it was formulated to by the artist(s). Take the average SlipKnot song which is packed with anger and frustration to the very core, climaxing to let all the fury out with an awesome set of rolls and guitar slams... draws out these exact emotions in the millions of fans worldwide. No real explanation why.
On the other hand, the song 'A Whole New World' backed by an effective orchestral arrangement, with a good strings and wood wind selection, I'm betting would touch every audience member present. The song is one thats full of hope and joy and love... and thats exactly what it will sound like.
I seriously disagree with the religious implications people associate against the creation and performance of music performing. Although it is understandable that the typical MTV video with women gyrating all over the place may not be exactly a good influence on the society, that's not music is it? It's just the commercial corruption in the industry fueled by businessmen looking to make cash, not really interested anything musical at all.
Music is more than a practically nude girl trying to act all sexy... more than some boy sitting there looking all pretty, more than just a drumset and heavy bass (nothing against that though). I think people need to rememeber that.
Jah.
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I'm not into the dreads (but they look damn sexy on some guys), I think reggae is chilled and fantastic, I do not believe in weed (although it suffices to fuel a good joke once in a while), I think red, green and yellow do look good together but I have no fetish to do with the combination. So why do I think Bob Marley is fantastic?
Because he was a fighter. And he did exactly what he wanted to do. Fuck America. (Personal little issue coming up there, please feel free to totally ignore my attitude towards the great nation *grin* but if you agree then cool, lets move on).
I thought this was pretty cool...
Proceeding to quote the king...da man....
“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?”
None of us are dho?
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”
We could all use more of that inspiration.
“Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!”
We all have our own demons we need to exorcise...what better solution eh? (Confuing though, coz he did say 'No woman no cry!)
“Get up, stand up Stand up for your rights Get up, stand up Never give up the fight.”
There is nothing wrong with fighting for what you believe in. (One thing though, so what happens when you believe in say... white superiority i.e. KKK?)
“I don't stand for the black man's side, I don't stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side”
“I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car.”
And yes, there is a reasonable excuse for just about everything in life.
“The harder the battle the sweet of jah victory.”
Need I say a word...
“The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.”
Errr...Um...
“Rise O fallen fighters, rise and take your stance again, He who fight and run away, live to fight another day”
Nice. Na?
“Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”
Amen! Hee hee...
“No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor will we bow neither can be bought or sold”
The determination he possessed...
“Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally discredited and abandoned...WAR! So that is prophecy, and everyone know that is truth. And it came out of the mouth of Rastafari.
“Rastafari not a culture, it's a reality.”
The whole point was to fight for freedom, liberation, independance, human rights... that is a fight worth dying for.
So how does one become a Rastafarian? You don't, of course. "Die and be born again. As a Rastafarian"
“Bob Marley isn't my name. I don't even know my name yet.”
I thought that was so cool. I do not have any clue as to why.
“Jah will never give the power to a baldhead!”
Sorry Dad. I guess that explains a lot.
“The stone that the builder refused to lay should always be the head corners stone. You're a builder baby; here I am a stone.”
Why am I freaking obsessed with a weed junkie? Cuz he was a strong man, a powerful man and despite controvery and criticism, he never once wavered... he was a strange politician, but he sought change and he brought change. Fuck the critics coz he was right. He is immortal. His words live in our hearts. We still sing his songs, we keep passing the message.
Fascinating medium, music. Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
“Tell the children the truth”
Love that one. Love that guy. Love that story.
You getting the drift I'm bored? Nah... I liked reading that shit.
Let me just lay back and watch the cows fly by... Don't worry... be happy :D
Because he was a fighter. And he did exactly what he wanted to do. Fuck America. (Personal little issue coming up there, please feel free to totally ignore my attitude towards the great nation *grin* but if you agree then cool, lets move on).
I thought this was pretty cool...
Proceeding to quote the king...da man....
“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?”
None of us are dho?
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”
We could all use more of that inspiration.
“Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!”
We all have our own demons we need to exorcise...what better solution eh? (Confuing though, coz he did say 'No woman no cry!)
“Get up, stand up Stand up for your rights Get up, stand up Never give up the fight.”
There is nothing wrong with fighting for what you believe in. (One thing though, so what happens when you believe in say... white superiority i.e. KKK?)
“I don't stand for the black man's side, I don't stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side”
“I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car.”
And yes, there is a reasonable excuse for just about everything in life.
“The harder the battle the sweet of jah victory.”
Need I say a word...
“The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.”
Errr...Um...
“Rise O fallen fighters, rise and take your stance again, He who fight and run away, live to fight another day”
Nice. Na?
“Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”
Amen! Hee hee...
“No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor will we bow neither can be bought or sold”
The determination he possessed...
“Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally discredited and abandoned...WAR! So that is prophecy, and everyone know that is truth. And it came out of the mouth of Rastafari.
“Rastafari not a culture, it's a reality.”
The whole point was to fight for freedom, liberation, independance, human rights... that is a fight worth dying for.
So how does one become a Rastafarian? You don't, of course. "Die and be born again. As a Rastafarian"
“Bob Marley isn't my name. I don't even know my name yet.”
I thought that was so cool. I do not have any clue as to why.
“Jah will never give the power to a baldhead!”
Sorry Dad. I guess that explains a lot.
“The stone that the builder refused to lay should always be the head corners stone. You're a builder baby; here I am a stone.”
Why am I freaking obsessed with a weed junkie? Cuz he was a strong man, a powerful man and despite controvery and criticism, he never once wavered... he was a strange politician, but he sought change and he brought change. Fuck the critics coz he was right. He is immortal. His words live in our hearts. We still sing his songs, we keep passing the message.
Fascinating medium, music. Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
“Tell the children the truth”
Love that one. Love that guy. Love that story.
You getting the drift I'm bored? Nah... I liked reading that shit.
Let me just lay back and watch the cows fly by... Don't worry... be happy :D
The last time I thought
|
Ever wondered why people harm themselves? I have. Experimentation may not be such a bad thing you know. If you live to tell the tale...
And if you do, you spend every minute of your life reliving it...for the regret, or the glory. You've come face to face with death. You are never the same.
The point is that everyone is hurt inside. We are all lonely...and searching for love. To be loved. And to love. There is not one single living human being who has the right to discriminate against another for any fucking reason, in any fucking way.
.......
I didn't mean to take the first pill. The throbbing in my head was unbearable... I wanted it to stop, to leave me in peace. The first swallow was easy. Insignificant. No effect obviously, yet anyway. It was driving me crazy, it had to stop, I was stumbling around, my emotions were insane and tumbling between extremes. I took one more. And another. And another. I lost count, but with a 20 pill sachet, must've been like 15 minimum. My world was spinning. What I was doing kicked in.
A series of thoughts... who the fuck cares... this might be the easiest way out. Fastest way out, yeah. Happier for the rest of the world. Yeah...
Followed by... Shit, I don't want to die like this. I don't want my Mom to go insane, because of me. No, I don't want to give up. I don't want my Dad to look back and think he's ashamed of me.
I crawled my way to the stairs and tried to scream for someone, anyone. Now, with the tears blurring and my thoughts out of control and the drugs weaking me I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I fell down the stairs... too numb to feel any pain.
My aunt rushed out of the kitchen. 'What the hell's going on?'
'Kokko you ok?'
'What the...'
She clutches the empty packet. 'Don't tell me you...'
Tears filled her eyes. 'No...it's not that bad is it. Oh, I hate you for this. I hate you so much'
She hugs me and lifted me, I was limp and barely consicious. 'Dhontha!'
Her husband came running in, my mom in close pursuit. 'Eyyy!'
'Balaaennu. Gendhebala eyna matchah. Mamma, bavaanee fahun, aan eyna habeyha beys boegen eyothee. Reethi vejjenu.'
My uncle 'Lonufenboandhee. Hodu lavvabala'
A girl runs up with a glass of salt water from the salt water tap. Oh yum. They shoved it down the throat.
'Acheedi'
I threw up all over the place. Couldn't care less.
'Kaleyakah nethey etchekey kiyey kah'
Fine...
I spent the whole night, shivering, sweating and convulsing... the back arching... the stuff that had gotten into my system was messing me up bad. I didn't want to die... fucking hell... I didn't want to die like this.
I calmed down a few hours after sunrise. The whole experience shook me up bad. I was shaking for the rest of the day. Even as I sat down to do my GCSE Papers, and as I wrote down answers that contained logic far beyond myself (and probably the examiner'd understanding as well) my whole body shook.
A day later though, I was partying and laughing. Who knew? Who cared. My parent's thought I was studying. Like hell. The last thing I wanted to do was think.
Look what happened the last time I did...
I'm not writing this because I don't have an ounce of eeman therikan, or moral fibre or whatever, because I do. I wish people could view things from another perspective rather than stereotype every one and every situation. The way they wre 'programmed' to do.
I would never try to kill myself because I have found reason to live, but some people are not that lucky. It's not fair to them or their memory to dismiss their death with cruel words. It was a sacrifice we are meant to learn from, that we need each other, people need people. Wish they realised that people are too selfish to give a fuck.
Trouble is though... if that truly happened I have a funny feeling I wouldn't tell any one.I would just lie there.... and await my fate. Worrying, isn't it?
And if you do, you spend every minute of your life reliving it...for the regret, or the glory. You've come face to face with death. You are never the same.
The point is that everyone is hurt inside. We are all lonely...and searching for love. To be loved. And to love. There is not one single living human being who has the right to discriminate against another for any fucking reason, in any fucking way.
.......
I didn't mean to take the first pill. The throbbing in my head was unbearable... I wanted it to stop, to leave me in peace. The first swallow was easy. Insignificant. No effect obviously, yet anyway. It was driving me crazy, it had to stop, I was stumbling around, my emotions were insane and tumbling between extremes. I took one more. And another. And another. I lost count, but with a 20 pill sachet, must've been like 15 minimum. My world was spinning. What I was doing kicked in.
A series of thoughts... who the fuck cares... this might be the easiest way out. Fastest way out, yeah. Happier for the rest of the world. Yeah...
Followed by... Shit, I don't want to die like this. I don't want my Mom to go insane, because of me. No, I don't want to give up. I don't want my Dad to look back and think he's ashamed of me.
I crawled my way to the stairs and tried to scream for someone, anyone. Now, with the tears blurring and my thoughts out of control and the drugs weaking me I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I fell down the stairs... too numb to feel any pain.
My aunt rushed out of the kitchen. 'What the hell's going on?'
'Kokko you ok?'
'What the...'
She clutches the empty packet. 'Don't tell me you...'
Tears filled her eyes. 'No...it's not that bad is it. Oh, I hate you for this. I hate you so much'
She hugs me and lifted me, I was limp and barely consicious. 'Dhontha!'
Her husband came running in, my mom in close pursuit. 'Eyyy!'
'Balaaennu. Gendhebala eyna matchah. Mamma, bavaanee fahun, aan eyna habeyha beys boegen eyothee. Reethi vejjenu.'
My uncle 'Lonufenboandhee. Hodu lavvabala'
A girl runs up with a glass of salt water from the salt water tap. Oh yum. They shoved it down the throat.
'Acheedi'
I threw up all over the place. Couldn't care less.
'Kaleyakah nethey etchekey kiyey kah'
Fine...
I spent the whole night, shivering, sweating and convulsing... the back arching... the stuff that had gotten into my system was messing me up bad. I didn't want to die... fucking hell... I didn't want to die like this.
I calmed down a few hours after sunrise. The whole experience shook me up bad. I was shaking for the rest of the day. Even as I sat down to do my GCSE Papers, and as I wrote down answers that contained logic far beyond myself (and probably the examiner'd understanding as well) my whole body shook.
A day later though, I was partying and laughing. Who knew? Who cared. My parent's thought I was studying. Like hell. The last thing I wanted to do was think.
Look what happened the last time I did...
I'm not writing this because I don't have an ounce of eeman therikan, or moral fibre or whatever, because I do. I wish people could view things from another perspective rather than stereotype every one and every situation. The way they wre 'programmed' to do.
I would never try to kill myself because I have found reason to live, but some people are not that lucky. It's not fair to them or their memory to dismiss their death with cruel words. It was a sacrifice we are meant to learn from, that we need each other, people need people. Wish they realised that people are too selfish to give a fuck.
Trouble is though... if that truly happened I have a funny feeling I wouldn't tell any one.I would just lie there.... and await my fate. Worrying, isn't it?
Split the bean into two, and that'll fascinate you even more
|
I lowered my face quickly, and a slow steady smile spread across my face. My pupils zoomed from corner to corner n my eyes and did a millisecond scan of the place. Coast clear. I couldn't hold it any longer, just reached out and touched it once, once more, and again. Yesssss... the pleasure I felt was beyond anything I could have ever dreamt of.
I grabbed it off the shelf and crept towards the counter. Fuck them, the don't know shit. I deserve this, I need this. I dodged around the cameras and salesmen with somewhat impressive expertise. I scanned it. Slammed the card in. Legal. And I was done.
Stepping outside, I took it out, caressed it and drank in the odour... satisfying my olfactory glands. I peeled the layers. Never before have I seen anything so beautiful. I licked it... and I loved it all the way through. Then Cadbury failed it's test of immortality and alas, my pleasure was over. Finito.
Aha.. aha.. yesh... hot tune playing in ma head. Burithalhuvaa genre ingey... Obinoaveyyyyy... SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... Man, I haven't seen a guy so long, the Lion in Narnia turned me on. That just might be a fetish though... Mmm... Rastaman vibrations yeah *wink* positive vibrations...
Betcha think I fit in eh. Slightly wierder... but hell... just another horny teen. Just another worthless, directionless idiot who hasn't seen life and what it's all really about. Parties, and people and all that social activity is all that revolves around in my blonde, bimboistic head. But of course it is... while all that may be true and I refuse to argue any further, lets take a peep into what's really going on in my head.
You know how life suckx, ALL THE TIME? Eventually, you build a wall to it. You get over it. You're fine... until the next missile hits right on the dot, everything crumbles down aand you, my friend are back at square one. Clueless, insecure and bloody scared. As I am, right now.
I fail to see the point of picking myself up and carrying on. I'm not telepathic, I don't see into the future and I'm no fucking astronomer but I what happens is inevitable.
I hate my life. I hate my family. I hate everyone for putting me through this shit. Friends who want money... Guys who just want to get into your pussy. The world's fucking full of them and they're found at seriously concentrated level in my life. Betrayal, lies, saving your own ass. Thats what its all about. Suck your way to the top ladies, that's the only way to get there. The world's full of loosers and egomaniacs. I'm not a victim... I'm one of them. I play the game, because I need to survive. Admit it you do too. Selfless acts? Bloody hell they are, everyone just does it for benefits gained.
I thought everything was sugar and candy once, and I learnt that reality bites - the hard way. I don't want anyone else to fight and have their soul be crushed inside them. So live with it... and become one of everyone or you'll die inside.
Because even if you're still breathing, and you're still smiling and all the world will ever see or hear is your sweet smile and laughing voice, if your spirit's dead and every day and night hold no meaning for you, then your life is not worth living. God have mercy on your soul...
I grabbed it off the shelf and crept towards the counter. Fuck them, the don't know shit. I deserve this, I need this. I dodged around the cameras and salesmen with somewhat impressive expertise. I scanned it. Slammed the card in. Legal. And I was done.
Stepping outside, I took it out, caressed it and drank in the odour... satisfying my olfactory glands. I peeled the layers. Never before have I seen anything so beautiful. I licked it... and I loved it all the way through. Then Cadbury failed it's test of immortality and alas, my pleasure was over. Finito.
Aha.. aha.. yesh... hot tune playing in ma head. Burithalhuvaa genre ingey... Obinoaveyyyyy... SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... Man, I haven't seen a guy so long, the Lion in Narnia turned me on. That just might be a fetish though... Mmm... Rastaman vibrations yeah *wink* positive vibrations...
Betcha think I fit in eh. Slightly wierder... but hell... just another horny teen. Just another worthless, directionless idiot who hasn't seen life and what it's all really about. Parties, and people and all that social activity is all that revolves around in my blonde, bimboistic head. But of course it is... while all that may be true and I refuse to argue any further, lets take a peep into what's really going on in my head.
You know how life suckx, ALL THE TIME? Eventually, you build a wall to it. You get over it. You're fine... until the next missile hits right on the dot, everything crumbles down aand you, my friend are back at square one. Clueless, insecure and bloody scared. As I am, right now.
I fail to see the point of picking myself up and carrying on. I'm not telepathic, I don't see into the future and I'm no fucking astronomer but I what happens is inevitable.
I hate my life. I hate my family. I hate everyone for putting me through this shit. Friends who want money... Guys who just want to get into your pussy. The world's fucking full of them and they're found at seriously concentrated level in my life. Betrayal, lies, saving your own ass. Thats what its all about. Suck your way to the top ladies, that's the only way to get there. The world's full of loosers and egomaniacs. I'm not a victim... I'm one of them. I play the game, because I need to survive. Admit it you do too. Selfless acts? Bloody hell they are, everyone just does it for benefits gained.
I thought everything was sugar and candy once, and I learnt that reality bites - the hard way. I don't want anyone else to fight and have their soul be crushed inside them. So live with it... and become one of everyone or you'll die inside.
Because even if you're still breathing, and you're still smiling and all the world will ever see or hear is your sweet smile and laughing voice, if your spirit's dead and every day and night hold no meaning for you, then your life is not worth living. God have mercy on your soul...
I want to go home. Where is home?
|
Once upon a time in a far away distant land there lived a girl. A girl, who loved. Her greatness weakness was striving to please others. What caused her most pain was the failure to do so. And then friends came along convincing her they loved her as much. Overjoyed, she showered them with all her attention and loved with all in her heart, body, mind and soul. Sadly, she got nothing in return...but she didn't mind that at all. What hurt her was that they took away the one thing she had ever wanted...Only they could have known how much she had wanted that one happiness.
Hurt and bruised she wandered the lands. Searching for something... someone... no idea where she was headed, no idea what she was looking for. A quest to discover the world she was in, to answer a million questions in her head and to get to know herself a little better.
She stopped by an oasis, and quenched her thirst before continuing her journey across. A short distance later, she realised the oasis had been her only satisfaction for so long... and turned back to try and return to that tranquil state of mind she had experienced but when she turned around it had already disappeared. Once more, she was lost...
She fantasized about her death... the end of her problems, numb her pain. Soon a little thought became an obsession and when she couldn't take it any longer, she found solace and sanctuary in a sharp, deadly dagger. It buried deep into her heart and covered her in warm crimson.
And she died, happily ever after.
Hurt and bruised she wandered the lands. Searching for something... someone... no idea where she was headed, no idea what she was looking for. A quest to discover the world she was in, to answer a million questions in her head and to get to know herself a little better.
She stopped by an oasis, and quenched her thirst before continuing her journey across. A short distance later, she realised the oasis had been her only satisfaction for so long... and turned back to try and return to that tranquil state of mind she had experienced but when she turned around it had already disappeared. Once more, she was lost...
She fantasized about her death... the end of her problems, numb her pain. Soon a little thought became an obsession and when she couldn't take it any longer, she found solace and sanctuary in a sharp, deadly dagger. It buried deep into her heart and covered her in warm crimson.
And she died, happily ever after.
Sorted. But of course.
|
Run away with my heart
Run away with my soul
Run away with my whole...
Yesterday fucking sucked. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
Everything I didn't want to discuss I ended up explaining in detail.
All the things I wanted to avoid, I came face to face with...
Ah well, I cannot keep walking away from my troubles.
You think WWII was a mess? Welcome to my life... the battles are neverending.
The Maldivian (twisted and incredibly hypocritical) society thrives on scandalous gossip, regardless of the extensive damage caused to it's victims. Females in particular are targetted and criticised for what are considered grave errors in etiquette (in itself a varying factor).
I hang out with guys mostly. And guys move in packs. Thus I move in a pack (uh uh, da female gangsta...). I just enjoy their company over most females. I neither ask from them nor perform for them any of the exotic sexual favors I have been rumored to. I can choose my company they say, if I can accept to consequences of being judged by their behavoir. Yeah, thats cool with me. They're loud and shameless, they cuss and smoke (some weed but I ain't into that), brag about sexual adventures that never happened and fantasize about all...everything with a pussy basically - but hey, they ARE male.
Maybe not the best thing for a single and looking female to be associated with? Agreed. So where does the 'she has a tendency to gang bang...she plays porn videos...' etc fit in? So not part of the deal. Farting in public might have been a better accusation (still FALSE) because hell yeah, these guys (and all men in general) tend to indulge in this activity 24/7 regardless of place and company. I'm sure none of them are, or are likely to become porn stars. Yet my association with them provokes this discussion?
CRAZY MALDIVIANS.
They have sites dedicated to posting random pics of gals and guys on the net aimlessly, without reason of any sort. My people are bored people. Come to Maldives for holiday, it's paradise on earth! Come to live here though, you'll be commiting suicide in less than a month.
Romeo and Juliet/DhonHiyala and Alifulhu/Laila and Majnoon/Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal/Beauty and the Beast/Aladdin and Jasmine/Simba and Nala/Cleopatra and Anthony/Bush and Terrorism/Maumoon and Power... as you like it, really... why is it always the two in the story? Add a few more for confusion and frustration and reality. Nothing is ever clear cut in life. Why should the right man/woman be?
Infact, I often find myself fancying more than one guy... I don't see anything wrong with it. Until of course, I've led them both on and I can't decide who or what I want. Selfish eh? Oh that's life. Natural selection baby, the female chooses her mate. Get over it.
Anyway... man (a) sweet, sincere, doesn't smoke <damn...bummer>, cute, plays guitar > = probably long lasting relationship
man (b) hot, sexy, smokes, into hiphop culture, funny and a bit of 'badboy' <ooh la la! adorable ...irrisistable> mixed in with the classic mama's boy <awww> = we (the boy lovers) all wanna tame that wild man don't we? Want them to fall for us, long and hard with plenty of passion and considerable tenderness but still fuck us like tigers. Yea, that's the truth. Obviously, seriously complicated and risky. (Forbidden fruit allure...)
man (c) mysterious, more accesible, funny... quite possibly hot <ie. reetchakah nufeney>
WTF do I do???
Aaaa... the complexities of life. Ladies, you know what I mean.
Run away with my soul
Run away with my whole...
Yesterday fucking sucked. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
Everything I didn't want to discuss I ended up explaining in detail.
All the things I wanted to avoid, I came face to face with...
Ah well, I cannot keep walking away from my troubles.
You think WWII was a mess? Welcome to my life... the battles are neverending.
The Maldivian (twisted and incredibly hypocritical) society thrives on scandalous gossip, regardless of the extensive damage caused to it's victims. Females in particular are targetted and criticised for what are considered grave errors in etiquette (in itself a varying factor).
I hang out with guys mostly. And guys move in packs. Thus I move in a pack (uh uh, da female gangsta...). I just enjoy their company over most females. I neither ask from them nor perform for them any of the exotic sexual favors I have been rumored to. I can choose my company they say, if I can accept to consequences of being judged by their behavoir. Yeah, thats cool with me. They're loud and shameless, they cuss and smoke (some weed but I ain't into that), brag about sexual adventures that never happened and fantasize about all...everything with a pussy basically - but hey, they ARE male.
Maybe not the best thing for a single and looking female to be associated with? Agreed. So where does the 'she has a tendency to gang bang...she plays porn videos...' etc fit in? So not part of the deal. Farting in public might have been a better accusation (still FALSE) because hell yeah, these guys (and all men in general) tend to indulge in this activity 24/7 regardless of place and company. I'm sure none of them are, or are likely to become porn stars. Yet my association with them provokes this discussion?
CRAZY MALDIVIANS.
They have sites dedicated to posting random pics of gals and guys on the net aimlessly, without reason of any sort. My people are bored people. Come to Maldives for holiday, it's paradise on earth! Come to live here though, you'll be commiting suicide in less than a month.
Romeo and Juliet/DhonHiyala and Alifulhu/Laila and Majnoon/Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal/Beauty and the Beast/Aladdin and Jasmine/Simba and Nala/Cleopatra and Anthony/Bush and Terrorism/Maumoon and Power... as you like it, really... why is it always the two in the story? Add a few more for confusion and frustration and reality. Nothing is ever clear cut in life. Why should the right man/woman be?
Infact, I often find myself fancying more than one guy... I don't see anything wrong with it. Until of course, I've led them both on and I can't decide who or what I want. Selfish eh? Oh that's life. Natural selection baby, the female chooses her mate. Get over it.
Anyway... man (a) sweet, sincere, doesn't smoke <
man (b) hot, sexy, smokes, into hiphop culture, funny and a bit of 'badboy' <
man (c) mysterious, more accesible, funny... quite possibly hot <
WTF do I do???
Aaaa... the complexities of life. Ladies, you know what I mean.
Vahaka eh...Extracted from - My imagination...
|
'Look at you, you're a bloody whore'
'I only wanted to...'
'Do I look like I give a shit what you think? Get the hell out of here'
She stood tall, arrogant their smirking behind Maria's father as Maria pleaded for an ounce of sympathy through desperate eyes.
'Please Papa'
'Get out of my face. You make me sick'
'Nooo...please please please...'
Maria continued pleading as the door slammed in her face, kept begging as the she heard it being locked.
She turned around and began walking, the tears fell faster and faster, she didn't have a clue where she was heading, or why. She couldn't stay here. But she had no where to go. The anger in her soul effervecing, climaxing as she screamed. The echos sounded forever but not a single response...
The trees swayed in the wind, infact everything seemed absurdly calm. The frustration subsided until all that was left was a deep, burning pain...the pain of sorrow, loss all caused by hate, deception, lies....
The beautiful silk dress was soaked, torn and dirty and no longer possessed any of the magic it first had when he handed it to her.
'Hey, you'll look just like Mom I bet'
She glowed at her brother's rare praise.
'Really?'
'Sure, much much prettier'
A sob caught her throat as she stared at the remains of her cell phone dangling between her fingers. She flung it across the road. What was the use? He probably didn't know she wasn't there any way, it was his wedding day. She smiled through her tears. His brat sister is probably the least of his concerns. She couldn't blame him, she would have been the same - this was his escape.
She doubted very much she would be as lucky. Sitting on the rocks by the harbour waters she she stared into her reflection. She'd been told that those protruding large eyes were expressive, beautiful and touching. She was told that her fat mouth had lips which were full and inviting. That her pale, dull complexion glowed. She ran long delicate fingers through her hair. Too bad she couldn't afford to chop off this mass of waves and have a chic cut.
She cared very little about all that though, and would give up everything her brother claimed she had just for that one moment of acceptance and happiness. To have her aunt look at her with more than contempt. To have her uncle appreciate one of the million errands she silently carried out everyday. To have her parents back, to feel her mother's reassuring words.
How did a month's stay turn into ten painful years? Why did her parents never arrive? Why did their boat capsize with that fearsome wave that took so many of theiur lives?
Male' was so much more than it had been before. A modern and beautiful city to be proud of, a new city and so much more freedom to the people. Or was it? Beyond those polished walls, had anything changed?
Had her uncle coming to power changed anything? A new regime, with a better look. Less corrupt? Were people happier? Had anything really, truly changed?
She wiped the hot tears from her eyes. A girl like her still had no future, no independance and no freedom. She was a minor and had almost no rights, she was a controlled pawn like the rest of them but she no longer wished to play the game. It had lost meaning, as life itself had.
She stood on to the rocks walking towards the deeper shimmering end. The zephyr caressed her skin. The sky was painted a million iridiscent shades, by the greatest artist of all time. She turned back as she heard the laughter of a child behind her, the little boy chasing his red balloon. She lowered her gaze and let more tears flow as she cupped her face with her hands. Warm blood trickled down her breasts and she lifted her hands to realise her nails had cut into her skin. She didn't feel any pain, she had become numb to any feeling moments ago.
She was a burden to too many in this world. She no longer could bear to be a part of it. She raised her eyes to the heavens in prayer and slowly closed her eyes. She felt as if her entire being was in harmony with all the nature that surrounded her. No worries. No thoughts at all. Nirvana, at last.
'Sweetheart..'
'Mom?'
'Take my hand baby...'
'Dont leave me this time'
She stepped further and further forward.
'I love you'
A smile spread across her face, lighting up her features. She was real a beauty, almost ethereal in presence....
With that brilliant flash of light the sun set, and sky glowed pink, purple and finally transformed an ebony black... like velvet stretched across miles and miles, hundreds of stars strewn across like sparkling diamonds, like the glitter in her long, long hair.
All that was left of a beautiful life, was a single strand of azure silk caught on the rocks.,,,
Maria despite her troubles, had a heart full of love...and in me
mory her magic would always linger behind. Her story carried through generations and people realised the err of their ways. The world became a brighter place forever and after.
Yes, that would be the ideal conclusion. Truth is, she was forgotten, the memory erased. Mourned by those who cared, in essence fewer than she would have thought, but they moved on and nothing changed. There were a million Maria's but society no longer gave a damn.
Hope and love evanescencing away, our souls became devoid of such emotion
Thus this angel died but in vain...
'I only wanted to...'
'Do I look like I give a shit what you think? Get the hell out of here'
She stood tall, arrogant their smirking behind Maria's father as Maria pleaded for an ounce of sympathy through desperate eyes.
'Please Papa'
'Get out of my face. You make me sick'
'Nooo...please please please...'
Maria continued pleading as the door slammed in her face, kept begging as the she heard it being locked.
She turned around and began walking, the tears fell faster and faster, she didn't have a clue where she was heading, or why. She couldn't stay here. But she had no where to go. The anger in her soul effervecing, climaxing as she screamed. The echos sounded forever but not a single response...
The trees swayed in the wind, infact everything seemed absurdly calm. The frustration subsided until all that was left was a deep, burning pain...the pain of sorrow, loss all caused by hate, deception, lies....
The beautiful silk dress was soaked, torn and dirty and no longer possessed any of the magic it first had when he handed it to her.
'Hey, you'll look just like Mom I bet'
She glowed at her brother's rare praise.
'Really?'
'Sure, much much prettier'
A sob caught her throat as she stared at the remains of her cell phone dangling between her fingers. She flung it across the road. What was the use? He probably didn't know she wasn't there any way, it was his wedding day. She smiled through her tears. His brat sister is probably the least of his concerns. She couldn't blame him, she would have been the same - this was his escape.
She doubted very much she would be as lucky. Sitting on the rocks by the harbour waters she she stared into her reflection. She'd been told that those protruding large eyes were expressive, beautiful and touching. She was told that her fat mouth had lips which were full and inviting. That her pale, dull complexion glowed. She ran long delicate fingers through her hair. Too bad she couldn't afford to chop off this mass of waves and have a chic cut.
She cared very little about all that though, and would give up everything her brother claimed she had just for that one moment of acceptance and happiness. To have her aunt look at her with more than contempt. To have her uncle appreciate one of the million errands she silently carried out everyday. To have her parents back, to feel her mother's reassuring words.
How did a month's stay turn into ten painful years? Why did her parents never arrive? Why did their boat capsize with that fearsome wave that took so many of theiur lives?
Male' was so much more than it had been before. A modern and beautiful city to be proud of, a new city and so much more freedom to the people. Or was it? Beyond those polished walls, had anything changed?
Had her uncle coming to power changed anything? A new regime, with a better look. Less corrupt? Were people happier? Had anything really, truly changed?
She wiped the hot tears from her eyes. A girl like her still had no future, no independance and no freedom. She was a minor and had almost no rights, she was a controlled pawn like the rest of them but she no longer wished to play the game. It had lost meaning, as life itself had.
She stood on to the rocks walking towards the deeper shimmering end. The zephyr caressed her skin. The sky was painted a million iridiscent shades, by the greatest artist of all time. She turned back as she heard the laughter of a child behind her, the little boy chasing his red balloon. She lowered her gaze and let more tears flow as she cupped her face with her hands. Warm blood trickled down her breasts and she lifted her hands to realise her nails had cut into her skin. She didn't feel any pain, she had become numb to any feeling moments ago.
She was a burden to too many in this world. She no longer could bear to be a part of it. She raised her eyes to the heavens in prayer and slowly closed her eyes. She felt as if her entire being was in harmony with all the nature that surrounded her. No worries. No thoughts at all. Nirvana, at last.
'Sweetheart..'
'Mom?'
'Take my hand baby...'
'Dont leave me this time'
She stepped further and further forward.
'I love you'
A smile spread across her face, lighting up her features. She was real a beauty, almost ethereal in presence....
With that brilliant flash of light the sun set, and sky glowed pink, purple and finally transformed an ebony black... like velvet stretched across miles and miles, hundreds of stars strewn across like sparkling diamonds, like the glitter in her long, long hair.
All that was left of a beautiful life, was a single strand of azure silk caught on the rocks.,,,
Maria despite her troubles, had a heart full of love...and in me
mory her magic would always linger behind. Her story carried through generations and people realised the err of their ways. The world became a brighter place forever and after.
Yes, that would be the ideal conclusion. Truth is, she was forgotten, the memory erased. Mourned by those who cared, in essence fewer than she would have thought, but they moved on and nothing changed. There were a million Maria's but society no longer gave a damn.
Hope and love evanescencing away, our souls became devoid of such emotion
Thus this angel died but in vain...
Random...
|
Out of smarties...out of happiness, out of pleasure...out of hope.
Amazing how much a tube of candy can come to mean to you. I look at the hollow tube and the grief wells up inside me. Once my happy companion, satisfied and innate need and brought peace into my life.
Gone. Empty. Ready to be chucked into the bin.
Naah...haven't lost it. YET.
Strangely the main song playing repeatedly in the little media player in ma head is Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss". Who did I last kiss? I don't know. Can't remember. Tsk...worrying.
For no apparent reason today just fucking sux. I wanna go to sleep but I slept early and woke late. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything. I feel ill but besides a slight temperature I'm fine.
My head is beggining to feel like Mettalica, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth and Rammstein are all performing simultaneously in a live concert and all the lead singers are cussing at the top of their voices, the guitars screeching and the drums are playing at different tempos.
Waaahhhhh, I want mommy to come feed me chicken soup and wipe my forehead...good old times when she always knew the solutions eh? As we grow up and develope an inherent need for freedom (or as with me an insatiable desire for it)
Tiri ri ri ri ri .... oooh ooh... a wima wep a wima wep... in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight --- obinoanna lava eh ingey. Brings a smile even when you're damn pissed.
This is how I categorise music...
Fuck veema genre
High vefa hunna iru genre
Elhey iru genre
Nidhaa iru genre
'E soru' mathin hadhaan kuraa iru genre (Ishqee category people...)
Burithalhu vaa genre
Ufaa vaan veema genre
So under last genre... mostly ulheynee galhi type songs like Axel 'Crazy Frog', Shaggy 'I like to move it', Paul Simon 'The lion sleeps tonight', 'Under the sea', 'I just can't wait to be king', Abba 'Money money money' and such. Happy, optimistic tunes that remind you of childhood and everything that's beautiful about being a kid.
Come to think of it, being naive and innocent is wonderful. Kids are wonderfully refreshing especially at the end of a long weary day. Just chitter about how cool Sponge Bob Square pants is, and wonder whether a P&J could have chocolate in it, pluck random strings from your guitar to a set of awed faces and feel your heart smile.
If life has any magic it's their eyes, their smiles, their eager voices.
Too bad they grow up eh?
Gonna go and grab me a banana. B-A-N-A-N-A and the whole world celebrates the fact that Gwen Stefani can spell.
Cest la vie ;)
Amazing how much a tube of candy can come to mean to you. I look at the hollow tube and the grief wells up inside me. Once my happy companion, satisfied and innate need and brought peace into my life.
Gone. Empty. Ready to be chucked into the bin.
Naah...haven't lost it. YET.
Strangely the main song playing repeatedly in the little media player in ma head is Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss". Who did I last kiss? I don't know. Can't remember. Tsk...worrying.
For no apparent reason today just fucking sux. I wanna go to sleep but I slept early and woke late. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything. I feel ill but besides a slight temperature I'm fine.
My head is beggining to feel like Mettalica, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth and Rammstein are all performing simultaneously in a live concert and all the lead singers are cussing at the top of their voices, the guitars screeching and the drums are playing at different tempos.
Waaahhhhh, I want mommy to come feed me chicken soup and wipe my forehead...good old times when she always knew the solutions eh? As we grow up and develope an inherent need for freedom (or as with me an insatiable desire for it)
Tiri ri ri ri ri .... oooh ooh... a wima wep a wima wep... in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight --- obinoanna lava eh ingey. Brings a smile even when you're damn pissed.
This is how I categorise music...
Fuck veema genre
High vefa hunna iru genre
Elhey iru genre
Nidhaa iru genre
'E soru' mathin hadhaan kuraa iru genre (Ishqee category people...)
Burithalhu vaa genre
Ufaa vaan veema genre
So under last genre... mostly ulheynee galhi type songs like Axel 'Crazy Frog', Shaggy 'I like to move it', Paul Simon 'The lion sleeps tonight', 'Under the sea', 'I just can't wait to be king', Abba 'Money money money' and such. Happy, optimistic tunes that remind you of childhood and everything that's beautiful about being a kid.
Come to think of it, being naive and innocent is wonderful. Kids are wonderfully refreshing especially at the end of a long weary day. Just chitter about how cool Sponge Bob Square pants is, and wonder whether a P&J could have chocolate in it, pluck random strings from your guitar to a set of awed faces and feel your heart smile.
If life has any magic it's their eyes, their smiles, their eager voices.
Too bad they grow up eh?
Gonna go and grab me a banana. B-A-N-A-N-A and the whole world celebrates the fact that Gwen Stefani can spell.
Cest la vie ;)
Reminiscing when I'd be better off not
|
I wish life was easy... for once, I wish the answers would just flow to mind, without having waste precious energy and time to come up with conclusions and solutions that are often irrational and far off the mark, and even if they are the right decisions one always faces tons of grief as to whether you are right or wrong... frustration...
*I pull out the lasting hair on my head*
Writing my blog I had been intending to go on and on complaining about how life sucks, and how much I miss home etc. Maybe drop in a few bitter notes about how my current flame is scorching my heart...
And the song 'Boulevard' started playing...
A song that prior to this moment had absolutely no relevance to my life other than the fact that it was beautiful to listen to. Suddenly a memory flashback... 1 year ago, when my inbox was full of his messages, I heard his voice in my ear as he called my name, I felt his touch as he handed my the pendrive, the sound of his sandals on the sand as he left.
Emotionless I plugged in the pendrive, my thoughts were swirling around why my perfect relationship was failing...why won't he say he loves me... does he? I smiled as on the screen appeared my favourite songs...whispered under my breath "thanks babe..." started playing them one by one. Tears poured down that night...as I planned our breakup...I wish he could see, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am. I am too screwed up to be any good to him. He deserves better...
Boulevard played softly in the background and soothed my hurt soul, convincing me I was doing the right thing though it stung like hell. "What the fuck is wrong with me!" I wondered briefly if he had listened to 'Perfect Relationship' like I asked him to and almost immediately waved the thought away. Of course not... men couldn't be bothered and he might be perfect... but he's still male.
If only I had stopped and thought, like I have today almost exactly one year ago. The song plays... and I, for the first time listen to the lyrics. The inclusion had been deliberate. He was trying to tell me something...
No...this isn't true...
We broke up a few weeks later... but it wasn't a plan, in fact I had given up on my plan. Cruel fate twisted and gave me a wicked opportunity...I became deaf to his plea, and trying to be unselfish and spare him pain, I succeeded in nothing but the very opposite.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
I don't want him or need him anymore. But I long for someone to hold and cherish and care for... someone who would miss me and give a fuck about my life not because his/her genetic code forces him/her to. A man in my life who would stick by me always...despite my mistakes, respect me as well.
Gets worse boys and girls...hehehe, I need someone I want, who I can't resist to touch...I want to talk to him all the time... and the feeling is mutual...
As time passes you feel lonelier and lonelier. The feeling comes and goes like a receeding wave as it caresses the beach and swells up in glory again, the never ending chain of events, the deadly cycle...
Sometimes it seems that living just ain't worth it anymore. I look at my baby sister's picture on my phone. Of course there is. Cliche' and corny but true - there is hope for all of us. I listen to her giggling on my phone, her voice full of pure innocent joy. There has to be.
*I pull out the lasting hair on my head*
Writing my blog I had been intending to go on and on complaining about how life sucks, and how much I miss home etc. Maybe drop in a few bitter notes about how my current flame is scorching my heart...
And the song 'Boulevard' started playing...
A song that prior to this moment had absolutely no relevance to my life other than the fact that it was beautiful to listen to. Suddenly a memory flashback... 1 year ago, when my inbox was full of his messages, I heard his voice in my ear as he called my name, I felt his touch as he handed my the pendrive, the sound of his sandals on the sand as he left.
Emotionless I plugged in the pendrive, my thoughts were swirling around why my perfect relationship was failing...why won't he say he loves me... does he? I smiled as on the screen appeared my favourite songs...whispered under my breath "thanks babe..." started playing them one by one. Tears poured down that night...as I planned our breakup...I wish he could see, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am. I am too screwed up to be any good to him. He deserves better...
Boulevard played softly in the background and soothed my hurt soul, convincing me I was doing the right thing though it stung like hell. "What the fuck is wrong with me!" I wondered briefly if he had listened to 'Perfect Relationship' like I asked him to and almost immediately waved the thought away. Of course not... men couldn't be bothered and he might be perfect... but he's still male.
If only I had stopped and thought, like I have today almost exactly one year ago. The song plays... and I, for the first time listen to the lyrics. The inclusion had been deliberate. He was trying to tell me something...
No...this isn't true...
We broke up a few weeks later... but it wasn't a plan, in fact I had given up on my plan. Cruel fate twisted and gave me a wicked opportunity...I became deaf to his plea, and trying to be unselfish and spare him pain, I succeeded in nothing but the very opposite.
Fuck love.
Fuck life.
I don't want him or need him anymore. But I long for someone to hold and cherish and care for... someone who would miss me and give a fuck about my life not because his/her genetic code forces him/her to. A man in my life who would stick by me always...despite my mistakes, respect me as well.
Gets worse boys and girls...hehehe, I need someone I want, who I can't resist to touch...I want to talk to him all the time... and the feeling is mutual...
As time passes you feel lonelier and lonelier. The feeling comes and goes like a receeding wave as it caresses the beach and swells up in glory again, the never ending chain of events, the deadly cycle...
Sometimes it seems that living just ain't worth it anymore. I look at my baby sister's picture on my phone. Of course there is. Cliche' and corny but true - there is hope for all of us. I listen to her giggling on my phone, her voice full of pure innocent joy. There has to be.
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