Losing The Battle

I can't believe half the things happening around me. Yeah, so my friends chided me for being so damned paranoid about everything feeling so good. Enjoy life when you can, they said. Learn to just be happy! But I'm glad I didn't. I have good instincts. Or maybe I'm just unlucky and used to it. Whatever it is... I'm glad I responded to the hunch.
Life's a strange thing, riles you up..builds you so high you can barely see where you came from and is even faster to bring you down, falling - bruising - hurting - cover you under the mess. Until you suffocate. Or if you're lucky... you'll crawl back out.
Oh how could I be so stupid? Again and again and again?? I knew what I was walking into and I stayed there fully aware of the consequences! FULLY AWARE! I have only myself to blame and that is probably what hurts the most because anger can have a anesthetic effect... and I can't exactly be angry with myself. No with me, I'll simply be humiliated - and stay that way. The truth is that you can't hate yourself; not really... even suicide is to make you feel better which you wouldnt't do if you simply hated you eh? Humiliation is more of a torture though - when you are ashamed to be yourself.
"Mikamaa hedhi nun hey mihen vee" - not a philosophy I really believe. Sure I say that too, but honestly I know it's me. No one forces anyone to do anything, say anything, be with anyone... you do it yourself. Because the truth is that it's what you wanted for yourself. At the time at least.
I just knew things wouldn't last very long. I hate being right though. I wish life would just go to being okay. I wish I could find the strength to move on from everything that is pulling me down. Being distant isn't enough... if you've let something bother you, it will until you really draw the closure. Open to a peek isn't really effective, least not for me.