I really don't know what I should do next. I mean, it's like I think I'm moving on and changing pace but I forget to change course so I'm still travelling within the same cycle.
It's like I never learn from these same mistakes and I'm making them over and over again. Maybe my subconcious just finds this lifestyle easier than moving on ha? Maybe I don't have anywhere to move on to. Since when am I so dependant? I don't know.
I'm still stuck in the same rut tring to solve everyones problems, then ironically getting blamed for being other peoples shit...and not knowing where my own path lies... much less where it could lead to. Its too fucked up...
I am so fucked up.
I'm trying to do everything right but I end up hurting all the people I want to protect... I don't know where to go, what to do... who to believe. Maybe I don't evern need to but I have this burning urge for answers and reasonable explanations. I can't bring myself to just believe someone can be so spiteful, for no reason. I don't like being told, there's nothing you or I can do about it. There has to be a solution to everything - there has to be.
Yeah okay, maybe I am being childish. I know... It's really stupid to try and please everyone. I know this will sound even sillier but maybe it's just in my nature. I know, it makes me seem weak and vulnerable. So I am... Hm...
Okay, I want to do the smart thing. It's just not easy for me to let go of all my attachments. I know I should listen to my instincts... but that's a different kind of stupid risk than the ones I am used to taking. :/ Does that even make sense?
I never really realised before that it physically, really hurts to see the people I love hurt. Really... and it's worse to be in a position where you can do nothing but stand by and watch, or you are stuck far away and are trying to watch over but all in vain.
" Seems I've found the road to no where...
And I'm trying to escape,
I held back when I heard thunder!
But I'm down to one last breath... "
So where do I go from here? Who do I trust? I hardly trust myself anymore.
2 comments:
Well, first of all I want to CONGRATULATE u. As it says u did all the right things and u ended fucked up. Above all you've havent even obviously paid attention to what you've learned! Great Job!
You should be congratulating yourself, not beating yourself up.
On the other hand, I will have lot of respect for u if u start DOING SOMETHING to improve urself and to get out there, instead of just talking about the lessons. I am not kidding, just believe in yourself. Make ur own self so fucking fulfilling that u start having second thoughts to even share is with anyone... Ever been there?
I think the real problem u're running into here is that u've put too much importance on this one situation, and by doing that u've created "tunnel vision" for urself. Do a little research on that...
Good luck and try listening to R. Kelly's "I believe I can fly" for a change...
appreciated :)
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