Unsent letters, unspoken words...

To, You

You made so many promises to me... you made me believe them. you made me dream so many beautiful dreams... all of which I was blind enough to hope may actually come true. I can't blame you for that though...

What annoys me is that you kept questioning how much I loved you? How could you doubt how much I trusted you? Why couldn't you see that I'd have given up the world for you? It really wouldn't have been much of a feat though, I'd already given up too much, hadn't got much left to tempt me.

But no, you didn't want to step away and move away from you own embedded insecurities. you said you loved me, but all you were doing is hurting me, when I was trying so hard it no longer hurt when it bled... I was going numb, and you didn't even notice.

I understand, empathise even, with the fact that you had your own daemons to exorcise, but seeing that you wree so afraid to let go, afraid you'll fall again... made me realise that there was no going forward for us, at all.

You don't really love me. You are comfrotable with an idea of what you could mould me to be. Like an illusion... but I'm no one's toy to play with. I've worked so hard, and come this far... I can't let go of my own identity to please one person who I have no guarantee is here to stay.

The reason you're never satisfied with me... the reason I cannot satisfy you... why I never got a thankyou... or you look wonderful tonight... the reason you weren't really 'happy' is because you aren't. I'm not the one you're looking for and maybe because you made the effort, you don't want it to be a waste of time... but I'm sure you know inside, I'm nothing that you want really... not good for you maybe...

Sure we could have made it probably, and we could have stayed together. And I could have just simply conformed to all your demands... needs... wants... Disappear behind a mask, cursed as an actor in a staged play... Forget who I am, lose the friends I owe everything to, become a stranger to myself.

My dreams are yours. Sounds romantic at first. But the longer I think about it, the more it makes me feel... like I'm being choked...I have no room to be me... I lose my uniqeness, I live my life for you... I'm empty... and unfulfilled... like a slave. I much prefer, I dream beside you...

What good is it if I have to work to be the one for you? Life's got enough bends and potholes to trip us over, you and I should be sources of support to each other, not causes of further pain. It doesn't help that I have to keep lying to the people who have loved me since I took my first breath, simply to keep this relationship alive.

So... I'm sorry. And I hope you do understand that I do care, and I always will. Sorry never means much. But I'll say it anyway. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby. But I can't do this anymore. I hurts to see you from so far away... but with you, I don't have air to breathe, and I'm sure eventually... I'd have choked anyway...

The pain will subside for both of us... I don't know what you're feeling. I don't know if you're feeling anything at all. I'm just speaking to the guy I thought I knew... The one who claimed to love me so much. Though its a bit daunting to see you laughing like nothing ever happened... I know from the opposite table I'm grinning as well...So I guess we both don't know; we're both not great at expressing how we feel.

I loved you. It just wasn't meant to be.