Wish You A Better Day

Why do I blog when I'm upset? I don't know. Maybe anger inspires me.
It inspires a lot of people. Painters, writers... revolutionaries... heck, why not me?
I don't understand though...

How someone I love so much can just take all her frustrations out on me, when I know her, I understand her... and I love her so much. How every time something upsets her she can drag out the last 30 years into the conversation, not to mention distant long lost relations and... of course... 'her rival family'. After 4 years you'd think everyone would get over it. But no...
Maybe I am doing things wrong, yes she is the only one alive who can make me loose my temper like that... but she is also one person I would do anything for. How can she forget everything... I don't think she knows howq much it hurts me when she just concludes another of her tirades with ' I know you don't care about me' ... after all I've been through because of her (yes! because of her!) how can she say that to me... I'm not perfrect...neither is she.. all I want is for her to listen to me like she does everyone else.. .be that understanding with me too...
I guess I deserve it...for letting her down... to do what I feel is right for me... I don't regret it though I do wish everything happened differently...
Ironically, SHE always said that her 'female rival' would be responsible for cutting me away from family... but it seems that that destructive force is coming from where she is... I feel like an intruder on some happy home...

Oh I don't know...

Have you had one perfect thing but everything else went just horribly wrong? Yeah... you give a lot up to have this thing..but it feels like it slipping away... infront of you... and you don't know how stop it from disappearing for always...

Ever had the past haunting you? Something you think you were over... coming back to remind you.. how incredibly naive and stupid you were? Rubbing into your heart like salt on wonds... how you were used... how you were played... I don't know if he wants me to hate him... because thats not whats happening.. I just end up hating myself. Hating the world... hating feeling anything... because I can't trust anyone... not even myself... and I can't control anything... even my own emotions...

Will people stop making bloody assumptions and accusations about me? I am not rich. Hello the last person who said that to me had a studio in his house, and in his room--> a full equipped pc, fridge, large size tv, drumkit and guitars and amps by the dozen. Forgive me if I think it's all very unfair. I don't even have a PC. His justification is that I travel. So could he if he sold his damn fridge. And the fact that I am not a dumb blone does NOT, NOT, NOT root from my educational apportunities. If you don't believe me fucking go to UK and see how many idiots you find. Maldivians ones even, THERE ARE PLENTY. I hate these attacks.. I haet it, I hate it... I hate my life! If I could change just my last fucking name life would be so easy. You know I hated it to see my Dad lose his dream... but at the same time it was what I desperately wished for. Coz I have had enough of being judged by his name. I am my own person. Bitch or not.

[CENSORED] says:
dont say such things to urself you may have been a bitch but you are all changed now

Thank you very much for the kind words. :/ Fuck you.

'You said go slow, I fall behind... the second hand unwinds... if your lost and you look, you'll find me...time after time... if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting... time after time'

I'm falling... and I end up crashing... I'm waiting, and all I find is... wasted time...

I haven't blogged coz I been cuntry hopping again.. back and forth from Malay and Thailand... I now am starting to hate, hate aeroplanes.

Only happy thing I've seen all day ->
http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/8572800.swf

Hope it makes you smile... cheerios.