I lack patience. I really do…
And it worries me…
What annoys me most in this world? Nope, it’s not certain peoples or anything like that… it’s waiting for queues and just generally having to withstand long periods of time, doing nothing or anticipating something.
Is it a fear of that feeling of apprehension that comes with it?
Possible…but there should be a logical explanation shouldn’t there and as far as I’m concerned no fear can be logical!No surprise that I’m biting my nails and pulling out my hair all this week.
You would think though that after being so enduring for
seven whole fucking months
that two weeks would be insignificant, but that is definitely not the case.
Suddenly seven days seems never-ending!
I just ran out of Smallville episodes to distract me from taking that tempting leap out of the window, I have no more comfort food
(and can’t afford to indulge in any either because for one thing I need to fit into my clothes of which the seems already groan in agony when I force them on me and I need to save up anyway)…
I don’t want to read any books and my coursework is killing me…I sound like a whiny brat, and it feels GOOD. So there! :P
I’m going home and that’s all great, wonderful and lovely…but how the hell am I going to endure the damned flight I have no clue.
Why can’t this just be over with, I go to sleep and wakeup at home, and there’s no rush between transits and overwhelming fear of getting lost in Dubai, no rush to the loo to freshen up… no worry about whether I can manage to convince the aeroplane people that my guitar is not extra luggage but an ‘illusion’ …lol…
Every other sentence in this blog is I, I, I… but you gotta pour out your insecurities and petty annoyances somewhere.
For some their blog is a medium to show off their brilliant writing skills and what not, but for me it’s simply a release of my bottled up psychosis, that I don’t really feel that the ‘real world’ is ready for quite yet ;)
I shall now retire to biting the end of my pencils, trying to scrape my brain off for ANY useful ideas about Shakespeare and his portrayal of honour as existed in the Elizabethan Society. So far I have two points; one being I wasn’t there so how should I know, secondly they were bigoted fuckers who didn’t know shit.
Somehow I don’t think that’s A grade material. Personally I think the latter is far more candid and reliable than the BS that would get me the scores I need.
Have fun thee, whilst I shalt driveth meself madder than a hatter
The Fairer Sex
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Now I’m no feminist by any means but even I have to admit that being a woman is not the ball they make it out to be even in the 21st Century…
Why the sudden radical views? To be honest I haven’t actually felt truly, completely and fully like a woman until pretty recently…and I know that that is going to sound extremely strange to a whole lotta peoples but, err…it’s hard to put into words what I mean…
Its one thing to be a girl, flighty, fun, sweet (sickly even) and ‘pretty’… but looking at your reflection (not really on physical terms) and seeing the woman inside you gazing back…is when you realise things have changed… you no longer hold the same perspectives on anything, the words ‘child’ ‘mother’ ‘home’ have a completely new meaning to them, the lost and insecure adolescent inside you has disappeared…
You’re filled with a new passion and drive… your mind has begun to formulate theories, philosophies, and process your experiences into a chamber of knowledge…it’s only just begun but still, it’s started…
Until pfffftttt…poiiiiinnnnnnnn… the kaleidoscope’s begun to get contorted…the whizzing, uplifting buzz in your ear has distorted into the annoying noise that comes out of a broken tape recorder… how’d things get so fucked up?
Ahh… welcome to life… you can get a Uni degree these days, you can work in a office and sleep your way to the top…basically, you can change the exterior of the workforce but the foundation aint shaking… the views of a woman in the brain dept. (i.e. maybe a political party is coming up with it’s manifesto, and the storming has begun) is ignored… never mind if another man comes up with the same theory, you never get the credit. Men hate to admit they are wrong, but what’s worse is apparently admitting that a woman might be right.
An empowered woman is a joke… some people think a mini skirt means modernisation? It’s true that women use sexuality to gain themselves recognition etc in the workforce, but don’t fool yourselves into thinking that that translates into winning the battle of the sexes, because it’s not… the boys get their sugar and candy and you get the pay rise that a man with the same qualifications would have gotten anyway…maybe suck up to the boss and act like his youthful self a bit… several times less an effort than spreading your legs apart to every Tom, Dick and Harry in any case.
History shows us that we lost every chance at power and recognition that we ever got… Don’t you dare start throwing bitches like Margaret Thatcher in my face, that woman is practically a man… and imitating men in behaviour etc doesn’t really impress me.
Show me a real woman in power today, someone who is totally confident of her identity as a woman and is proud of it, who can be respected and is acknowledged as an intellectual… there are very few if at all and there is not a trace of it in Maldives. How can we claim to be a modernising country when all that is developing are the physical aspects of it… sociologically we are as primitive as we were some 50-60 years ago, and it’s not just the role of women.
I want to see the true emancipation of women in Maldives, a real movement ahead where we no longer rely on our cleavage to grab attention, where our intellect is valued and recognised…who is not simply a joke, not a snob, not naïve but a woman who has embraced the beauty of womanhood to the fullest!
Why the sudden radical views? To be honest I haven’t actually felt truly, completely and fully like a woman until pretty recently…and I know that that is going to sound extremely strange to a whole lotta peoples but, err…it’s hard to put into words what I mean…
Its one thing to be a girl, flighty, fun, sweet (sickly even) and ‘pretty’… but looking at your reflection (not really on physical terms) and seeing the woman inside you gazing back…is when you realise things have changed… you no longer hold the same perspectives on anything, the words ‘child’ ‘mother’ ‘home’ have a completely new meaning to them, the lost and insecure adolescent inside you has disappeared…
You’re filled with a new passion and drive… your mind has begun to formulate theories, philosophies, and process your experiences into a chamber of knowledge…it’s only just begun but still, it’s started…
Until pfffftttt…poiiiiinnnnnnnn… the kaleidoscope’s begun to get contorted…the whizzing, uplifting buzz in your ear has distorted into the annoying noise that comes out of a broken tape recorder… how’d things get so fucked up?
Ahh… welcome to life… you can get a Uni degree these days, you can work in a office and sleep your way to the top…basically, you can change the exterior of the workforce but the foundation aint shaking… the views of a woman in the brain dept. (i.e. maybe a political party is coming up with it’s manifesto, and the storming has begun) is ignored… never mind if another man comes up with the same theory, you never get the credit. Men hate to admit they are wrong, but what’s worse is apparently admitting that a woman might be right.
An empowered woman is a joke… some people think a mini skirt means modernisation? It’s true that women use sexuality to gain themselves recognition etc in the workforce, but don’t fool yourselves into thinking that that translates into winning the battle of the sexes, because it’s not… the boys get their sugar and candy and you get the pay rise that a man with the same qualifications would have gotten anyway…maybe suck up to the boss and act like his youthful self a bit… several times less an effort than spreading your legs apart to every Tom, Dick and Harry in any case.
History shows us that we lost every chance at power and recognition that we ever got… Don’t you dare start throwing bitches like Margaret Thatcher in my face, that woman is practically a man… and imitating men in behaviour etc doesn’t really impress me.
Show me a real woman in power today, someone who is totally confident of her identity as a woman and is proud of it, who can be respected and is acknowledged as an intellectual… there are very few if at all and there is not a trace of it in Maldives. How can we claim to be a modernising country when all that is developing are the physical aspects of it… sociologically we are as primitive as we were some 50-60 years ago, and it’s not just the role of women.
I want to see the true emancipation of women in Maldives, a real movement ahead where we no longer rely on our cleavage to grab attention, where our intellect is valued and recognised…who is not simply a joke, not a snob, not naïve but a woman who has embraced the beauty of womanhood to the fullest!
0_0!!!!
|
Never underestimate life and fate guys... when you think all's lost... do find the strength to see tomorrow, because there's always that 50-50 chance that it's a brighter day...and that your next mate might turn out to be the sexiest fucker around.... :D
There's ALWAYS a hope...a way...
Cheerios...and keep smiling folks...
I'm enjoying singledom and freedom - I gotta bigger plan for me :D , rocking this world off it's fucking axis...
Off for now - my weather forecast don't matter because petty things aint gonna bother this bitch no more!
There's ALWAYS a hope...a way...
Cheerios...and keep smiling folks...
I'm enjoying singledom and freedom - I gotta bigger plan for me :D , rocking this world off it's fucking axis...
Off for now - my weather forecast don't matter because petty things aint gonna bother this bitch no more!
Almost done. Me, I mean...
|
“There’s an empty space up on my wall where your picture used to be… and every time I glance up there the emptiness echoes in me, and it is penetrating. I lay myself bare naked in front of you, but you didn’t realise how much a sacrifice that was for me.
It was always politics to you, and you manipulated everything to your gain like some goddamn Vegas gamble. Why didn’t the little-miss-know-it-all stop you? I was tired of being accused time and time again of phil-phobia and the like so thought to trust you, hoping that perhaps I might re-cover that surreal feeling of ‘being in love’. I chose to ignore all my instincts and every warning signal that shot through my system…” (Deep breath… that was a release better than a bogu: D)
Heartbreak hotel – yeah, that ought to be my theme song… and here I am, a full year later and it’s still the same old story with a rather sickening twist… and I live to regret of course…
Y’know, if I could be granted one wish it would be that no one would ever have to be this alone.
It was like making a deal with the devil; your actions first grant you every thing you want, and then as sudden and quickly they came into your life, they are whisked away…(avahah dhathi jahaa dhalhu thiri kurey).
And you are left with less that you began with.
Now I look around me, and my surroundings and company have completely and totally changed, nothing feels the same...every single thing I see is as foreign as can be. (Yup, you see the flag of England and its pretty damn obvious I think)…
I cannot see the world with the same eyes (oh where oh where can my rose-tinted Ray Bans be?)… I cannot touch anything, without an intense fear seeping through my veins.
It’s a fear that it will burn like everything else… and leave another scar on my already charred heart (think BBQ… very well-done).
Memories of happy times haunt me, and torture me in my dreams… Things that defined me, and I relied on, a farce… now I am deprived of any strength at all (quite worrying, actually).
When everything you believed turns out to be a series lies…where do you find the courage to go on? How do you re-learn to trust?
You have a daunting feeling that lingers, that somewhere inside you did predict the outcome, but you chose to be blind… question then is can you trust yourself and your own judgment? (I is the confused is the I)
Does one deserve so much continuous pain? But could you measure pain? How sad it is for anyone to come to a point in his/her life when the glinting blade of a knife is your greatest temptation and any means to ending your life is a seduction in itself… (nope you freak, I am not hinting S & M here).
When you have lost value of yourself, and have forgotten who you are… you no longer feel the need to please. No longer feel any need at all, except to escape this incarceration…
All because you no longer feel like you have anything to lose.
The phrase ‘I love you’ is a joke to you, because no one knows you, you no longer see yourself… how could anyone love you when you detest you?
Reality of things can be boiled down to (returning back to my little bitch session and sulking time) pretty gals get wonderful guys (however superficial they treat ‘em right) AND the ‘not so pretty ones’ get as many, don’t worry… but these ‘great’ guys that THEY get only want to jump into their pants… a helluva fuck later, they return to the ‘love of their lives’ and leave the ugly chick crying her heart out… I know, I know - oh you want a guy who is that shallow eh, but the whole world is shallow...Life is not unfair if you are rich and beautiful… some people do have it all. If you don’t, tough… Fate - so don’t bother trying…
(Coming back to the issue at hand) Two weeks he’s been avoiding me, his phone’s off, when on his brother answers awkwardly, he doesn’t call or text anymore, he can’t be bothered to email me unless I bloody threaten him… but he’s all ‘honey’, ‘baby’, ‘sweety’, ‘sexy mama’ (the curse of hip-hop culture there) when he needs a few bucks to cover the costs… get a fucking life is what I say.
It is bad enough to ask a random bitch to pay for you (fuck revolution and equality among the sexes because the age old fact of the matter is that men have always existed to protect women and when a man relies on a woman for financial support, I’m sorry that is fucking pathetic in my point of view), but to ask your girl just = loser…jerk…BASTARD!!!
I would’ve though, on the grounds of helping a mate out when times are tough, but he’s avoiding me all this while and when we finally do talk he brings it up, gets to the point and I say a ‘maybe’ and then it’s a done deal ‘bye baby’. Go to hell.
I would normally launch into a castrate all men session here. Or it’d be ‘I wanna go fuck every mother-fucking-son-of-a-bitch who comes my way’ mode. I am too exhausted to. I thought I would never cry over a guy after S----- but it just seems that after I try to reform (I HATE that word), every one that comes into my life aims and shoots the arrow right through and the pains searing… maybe it’s better to settle with the slut act and go out with random men, satisfy myself with their empty flattery and attention and get them to pay up expenses afterwards...
There is only one guy who conquered my world, set it to revolve around his… I never ever cheated on him, never once… I loved him so long, so fully and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I pushed him away when I got scared of my own feelings and unintentionally I hurt him so bad, he left me… and I can never forgive myself for being so stupid and trying to mess with what was perfectly fine left to shine. (God I can’t believe I wrote the our entire relationship up in a story; I meant to read to him someday – romance is bullshit I swear) I just want to feel that freedom of loving someone so much, and feeling that same devotion in return. Searching for that someone who’d be there for me to laugh and chill with, to cry to …in joy or pain.
GRRRR…typical chick shit dho? I need it so bad tho… I don’t know why either. I can live by myself of course and prolly be more successful etc, but what’s half life eh?
You know how when you just gotta sneeze and you can feel the tickle up your nostrils and along the nasal passage, you’re closing your eyes and scrunching up your wee nose going ‘aa….aa….aaa…’but you can’t actually sneeze (a.k.a. no ‘atishu!’ at the end)? I feel the tears, and the ache is almost physical… but it won’t pour out... Has all the shit that’s been happening recently made me numb to all emotions? Numb to feeling anything anymore?
If perchance you come across the misfortune of loving me, you’d be better off not, I warn ya... who wants to love a broken heart? There is nothing more to be that you can see on the surface, I’m drained...
(ECG machine… teet, teet, teet, tititititititit – teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’ ...spurt wings, ‘wow it’s pretty up here’)
Psst… if you’re wondering the purpose of the bracket is to insert a little comic relief (lam as it may be) to an otherwise even more dreary and depressing passage.
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